44. Vera
Vera
The door closed with a soft snick. Starke leaned against it, eyes following me as I moved around the room.
There was a fireplace on the center wall, accented by a settee and a couple of chairs.
Across from that was a bed with white sheets and gold fringes.
An armoire stood in the corner by the door to a bathing chamber.
Directly to my right was a pair of glass double doors, and when I padded across the soft rug to reach them, I glimpsed a balcony overlooking the village square outside the palace.
The sight took my breath away. Everything was cloaked in shadows, but in the distance, golden rivers of both water and fire glowed bright enough to light the streets and buildings, dripping in dark gold.
“My room looks nothing like this,” Starke said, peering at the balcony. “They certainly do love you here.”
Everett’s words drifted back to me. “They know exactly what to say to manipulate you.”
I shook them off with a twitch of my neck. Just because the Elders were kind didn’t mean they were manipulating me. “It’s not Saltmourne, that’s for sure,” I said.
“What was all that about?” Starke jerked his head toward the door. “With Swift.”
“I already told you, it was nothing.”
He hummed as if he didn’t quite believe me, then looked down at his feet. “You never told me about him.”
I sat on the edge of the bed, removing my torn, waterlogged bag from over my shoulder and tossing it to the ground. “You probably haven’t told me about everyone from your past, either.”
“That’s because nobody else mattered.” He cleared his throat, red creeping up his neck as he scratched his chin. “You must mean a lot to him, if he came all this way to find you.”
I rubbed my temples. Fates, I was so tired.
First Odessa’s wound, and now the fight with Everett.
What I said was true—it had felt like he and my brother were trying to conform me to this perfect life after they rescued me.
But it wasn’t their fault that I didn’t belong there, and Everett didn’t deserve the way I treated him.
I quickly changed the subject. “Was there something you needed?”
“I wanted to check in. We haven’t had the chance to talk just the two of us since…well, since everything happened. And since Mortep died.”
I let out a breath. “Right.”
“How does that feel?”
“I don’t know what to feel. It all happened so fast. Part of me feels like there’s something unfinished.” I shook my head. “It’ll sink in eventually. I’m just trying to catch up.”
Starke ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m worried about Odessa. I can’t believe this is happening to her. Poor girl.”
His words highlighted the thought that had been lurking in the back of my mind all night. “It’s my fault, isn’t it?” I whispered.
His brow furrowed. “What? Why would you think that?”
“Because she wouldn’t even be here if it weren’t for me.
None of you would be.” I balled my hands at my sides.
“If I hadn’t been so obsessed with finding Mortep, if I hadn’t forced you all to come with me—” I gritted my teeth, then looked down at my hands.
Blood seeped from where my nails had shifted into talons and dug into the flesh.
Within seconds, my Shifter healing stirred, knitting the skin together once more.
He took a few tentative steps forward, and when I didn’t stop him, he sat next to me on the bed. “Nobody forced us, V. Just like nobody is forcing us to stay now.”
“Do you trust them?” I asked. “The High Elders?”
“I don’t know yet,” he said slowly. “But we promised to stay, and we’ve got to find a way to cure Odessa. So I guess we have to put our faith in you and this grand plan they have.”
“No pressure.”
“What did Swift say about it?” he asked. I didn’t miss the slight sneer as he said Everett’s name.
I wiped the residual blood from my hands onto my pants. “He thinks they might be trying to manipulate me,” I confessed. “That they’re feeding me what I need to hear so I’ll do what they want.”
“And you disagree?”
I shrugged. “I want to trust them. I want all of this to be real, and I feel this—this calling to help them. Like this is where I’m supposed to be. I know that sounds naive, but—”
“It doesn’t,” he said, inching closer on the bed. “But as much as I may not like him, Swift has a point. You don’t know these people. You have to be careful.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. Any resentment from the conversation with Everett quickly morphed into regret. I’d been so defensive, so easily angered, because the truth was…I didn’t want him to be right. I didn’t want to realize I’d made the wrong decision in trusting the Pyraethis.
“I hurt him tonight,” I said, the words tumbling from me. I leaned forward to rest my head in my hands. “He’s only trying to watch out for me. That’s what all of you are doing, and I take it for granted, every single time.”
Starke moved next to me. “That’s what friends are—”
“What if I’m not worth it?” I asked, raising my head to look at him.
His concerned blue eyes were much closer than I expected.
“You don’t know the things I’ve done, Starke.
And Everett was right. I—I keep running away, thinking it will solve my problems. But I always hurt people when I do. And now Odessa is paying the price.”
Starke put a hand on top of my leg. I flinched at the contact, but he didn’t move.
“You always keep this bottled up inside, don’t you?
” he asked. When I didn’t respond, he slowly reached out to brush a strand of hair behind my ear.
My muscles locked, but I pushed the tension away and took a deep breath.
His eyes softened. “For all the brave faces you put on, I know you’re scared,” he murmured, lips so close, his breath washed over me. “You don’t have to bear it alone. Let me help you.”
His nose brushed the edge of mine. My heart pounded, blood rushing through my ears. Part of me knew this felt wrong, and that I should bolt. But was that just me running away like I always did?
His forehead fell to mine. “Vera,” he exhaled. I closed my eyes and forced myself to stay. For a moment, I leaned in. I let myself breathe. It had been so long since I let someone else comfort me.
But when Starke’s lips grazed mine, it was another man’s kiss I yearned for.
“Starke,” I whispered, putting a hand on his chest. “I—I can’t.”
He pulled away, and his face fell. “Vera—”
“I’m sorry,” I rushed out. “I didn’t mean to, I just—my life is such a mess. I’m a mess. And I—I don’t want to do this, only to hurt you later.”
Rejection flickered across his expression. “I thought—” He cut himself off, jaw tightening. “I thought maybe you had changed your mind about us.”
A wave of guilt flooded me. “I’m so sorry. Please, Starke, I—”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Vera. You never promised me anything.” He stood abruptly. “But it…it feels like you keep reaching for me when you’re drowning, then pushing me away when you can breathe again. And I may not always be here for you to grab on to.”
My chest caved in as he walked toward the door, tears burning behind my eyes. Why couldn’t I do anything right? Why did I keep hurting people?
Just as Starke gripped the handle, the door to my room sprang open, and Starke jumped back. Maeve’s stricken expression erased any other thought.
“It’s Odessa,” she said, panting. “You must come quickly.”