Chapter 11
ELEVEN
The walls closed in on Allie. She had to get out of there. She pushed her way out of the booth, ran out of the restaurant.
“Allie, wait!”
She didn’t look back, just ran. At the end of the block, she turned and headed to the river. There had to be somewhere she could be alone before she broke down completely. She must’ve lost Dakota.
Good. The nerve of that man saying out loud what she’d fought so hard to protect, to keep hidden. She should’ve left him as soon as they’d gotten back from the trail, but she wanted to see it through, to make sure Ethan and Nolan were going to be safe.
But she was the one in danger now.
She shouldn’t have let down her guard with Dakota.
He was too astute. And just like before, in the car, he made her feel safe. And again, just like in the car, she was too easily falling for him.
Well, now she’d probably scared him away for good. If he’d figured it out, he’d know to run far and fast away from her. She slowed down to a jog. Her lungs seized as a coughing fit overtook her, forcing her to stop completely by a bench on the riverfront to catch her breath.
Stupid smoke inhalation. The near drowning probably hadn’t helped either. She collapsed on the bench and tried to take long, slow breaths.
“Allie!”
She looked up. Dakota jogged toward her. Great. He’d found her. And she had nowhere else to go. Betrayed by her own body. Again.
He rushed over and grabbed her hands once more. She had no more strength to pull away physically.
But she could push him away with the truth.
“Go away, Dakota. You don’t need to do anything. I’m fine.”
“You’re not fine. Not by a long shot.”
“I will be. Just…” She wanted to say Take me home . But home was far away. And Scout was still here. And…everything she’d worked so hard at constructing was tumbling down all around her.
She watched the river water swirl and flow past them.
Dakota sat next to her, wrapped her in his strong arms, her head tucked under his chin. “I’m not going anywhere, Al. I don’t know what it is, but I’m here. I’ll keep knocking on this door until you let me in.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“Huh?”
“Kota, you deserve so much better.” She’d already come to terms with her condition. She couldn’t impose it on him.
“Are you kidding? You know where I’ve been. What I am?—”
“Yeah, but?—”
His words came back from earlier in the day.
I hated growing up alone. I mean, it was probably for the best, but…I always wanted brothers and sisters. So hopefully, when I get married, we can have a houseful. At least four or five.
“You want a big family.”
One brow rose. “And that’s bad?”
Yes, it was. Because even though she knew there was no hope for them, he was the kind of guy who would try, and it wasn’t fair to steal all his hopes for a good future. And the only thing that would probably convince him to leave her in peace was the stark-naked truth.
“You need to find someone else, Dakota.”
He smiled one of those smiles that brought out his dimples. He tenderly swept a lock of hair behind her ear. “You’re not getting rid of me that easily. You saw me at my worst, and you still gave me a chance. I’m willing to do the same. So you fell for a jerk of a guy, got pregnant. My own romantic past isn’t squeaky clean by a long shot. But I think we still have something here. We could?—”
“No, we can’t, Dakota.” She pushed him away and stood. “I didn’t just get pregnant. I got an abortion. An abortion that wasn’t under the most sanitary of conditions. I was so stupid and desperate for a man who didn’t love me that I sacrificed my own child. Not only that, but the ability to have any children, because my uterus became so infected I needed a hysterectomy. Now do you see why there’s no future here?” She pointed to the empty space between them.
Her voice had gotten loud, but Dakota stayed silent.
He didn’t have to say anything. The pain in his eyes was enough. The smile fell. The dimples faded away. His brows furrowed together. Finally, he was getting the message.
“So you see, I’ll be paying for the rest of my life for that choice, for getting caught up in a fantasy. This is why I need to find Scout. Search and rescue gives me a chance at trying to make up for it all. And this is why you should just forget any idea of there being an ‘us.’ I deserve what I have. You deserve so much more.”
Her voice cracked, but she lifted her chin. She needed a strong front here. One he wouldn’t try to knock down. Because if anyone could, if anyone were stubborn enough, it would probably be Dakota Masterson who could find the weakness in her walls and bore through to the tender core of her heart only to be disappointed with what he found inside. And she couldn’t bear the thought of that.
Christian’s rejection had literally almost killed her. So it was better this way.
“We’re not far from the base. If you don’t mind bringing my car back, I’m going to walk.” She turned and walked away.
“So, you’re leaving?” He ran up to her.
“It’s for the best.” She kept walking.
But Dakota put himself in the middle of her path. “This is why you’ve pushed everyone out of your life, won’t answer your father’s calls. Won’t let anyone close. To punish yourself? This is why you’re hiding?”
“Like you’re not hiding yourself? You’re not exactly an open book about your addiction with the team. I thought if anyone could understand, it would be you.”
“We’re talking about people I’ve barely met. You haven’t told your own family or best friend.”
“Maybe I wanted a blank slate too.” She thumped her chest with a fist. “But don’t you get it? Mine will never be wiped clean. I have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life. Every time I watch one of my siblings or friends get married, have kids, I die a little knowing I will never have that. And you can say now that you’ll love me through it all, or it doesn’t matter because we’ll have each other, but I’ve heard that before. I can’t fall for it again.”
“I’m not gonna lie and say it doesn’t matter at all to me, but you never even gave me the chance. But why don’t you, right now? Stay here. Fight for this. For us.”
For a moment she was tempted. That earnestness sparking in his eyes, the firm hold he had on her hand, drew her in. Again she found herself clinging to his strength. Maybe Dakota really would be the kind of man who could overlook it all. But for how long?
It might hurt him now, but the honest to goodness truth was that he deserved so much more than she could give. He would see that eventually.
“Good intentions aren’t enough. This is one fight you can’t win.” No one could.
This time when she walked away, he didn’t come after her.
And that was for the best.
He shouldn’t be surprised that another person was walking out of his life. But the pain that hit him the moment Allie turned away almost brought him to his knees. How had he let it get this far so fast? His first instinct was to run after her, but he quickly doused it.
So what that she was the first person he’d ever opened up to and shared his past with. The ugly parts and all. Or that she was the kind of woman who’d seen him at his worst, the open gaping wounds, and stepped forward to help bandage him up. Maybe she was simply a good nurse and he’d read way too much into it.
He’d thought she’d be the kind of woman who could handle the messiness of life and not be scared away. Guess he was wrong. He’d tried. If she didn’t want to fight for him, who was he to try to convince her otherwise?
Since he had her keys, he drove her car and parked it at base headquarters. He walked up to the big open bay where the trucks were. No one was there, but a back door opened to the concrete pad behind the building. The whole hotshot and smokejumper crew was present, a couple guys at the grill flipping burgers, the others sitting in camping chairs, on coolers, or at the one picnic table set up.
Houston waved him over. “Hey, where have you been? I haven’t been able to get ahold of you.”
“Sorry, my phone was ruined.”
“How’d you do that? Drop it or something?”
“Not exactly.” He went on to tell Houston about Earl and their chase through the forest and river escape. The others quieted, listening in on the story.
Alex Sheehy whistled. “Dude, you got some crazy death wish?” He chuckled. “First you go running into a forest on fire, a tree almost falls on you while you’re on the line, and now some guy is trying to shoot you and you almost drown?”
“A man died out there in the mountains. An Army Ranger. He deserves justice. Answers. And there are two little boys who are caught up in the middle of it. They need protection.”
“Are you talking about the body they found? The guy was a Ranger?” Kane asked. “How do you know?”
“I talked with the ME. He’s been identified as Kurt Paulson.” Dakota reached into a cooler and grabbed a can.
“What’s an Army Ranger doing in the middle of Nowheresville with the likes of this hick? What’s his name? Earl?” Logan, one of the smokejumpers, asked.
“That’s what I’d like to know.” Dakota shut the lid to the cooler.
Eric Dale wiggled his fingers in the air. “Maybe he wasn’t really a Ranger. Maybe he’s a spook.”
“CIA? Yeah, right. That’s just you and your crazy conspiracy theories talking again, Dale,” Charlie Benning said.
The others laughed.
Ramos spoke up. “There’s nothing out here. It’s miles and miles of forest and mountain.”
“Yeah, think about it. A great place to hide if that’s what ya need to do.” Unlike the others, Booth wasn’t joking around.
“I don’t know about you, but I’ll stick to fighting fires.” Emily and Jojo, sitting next to each other, bumped fists.
“What are you going to do, Dakota?” Booth asked.
He popped open his can. “Not sure.”
The conversation switched to baseball. Dakota slipped away without notice and looked out over the mountains. It was hard to distinguish the clouds from the smoke and haze.
What am I supposed to do? The sheriff says stay out of it. Allie doesn’t want to be a part of anything. So, God, why did You bring her back into my life if I was just going to screw it up?
She wasn’t wrong. He was trying to hide his past too, afraid of what this team would think. It was part of his story. But if he was adamant that she should get her own past out in the open, he should probably be more forthcoming about his own.
Miles Dafoe came out of the building. “Troops, let’s round up. We’ve got a callout.”
“Aw, it’s our day off, Commander. I thought that team from California was on call today,” someone around the grill said. Probably Orion.
“Fire doesn’t care. The wind picked up, and they need our help to push it east toward the river. Let’s head out.”
Dakota ran inside with the others to change and grab his gear.
As they scrambled to load the truck and vans with the necessary equipment, Dafoe called out orders. “Masterson, you’ll be working with Kane on the dig crew this time.”
Probably, he didn’t trust him with a chain saw, and he’d be better off avoiding any falling timber. Dakota gingerly felt his bandage through his shirt. Tried not to think of Allie nursing his wounds. This wasn’t the time to worry about her.
“Saw Allie left before the barbecue ended.” Kane nudged Dakota as they piled their water jugs into the back of the van.
“Yeah, so?”
“Everything okay? She seemed upset.”
Dakota slammed the van door shut. “You wanna go comfort her? Go right ahead. But don’t get too close unless you wanna get burned.”
Kane lifted his hands in surrender fashion. “Whoa. Easy there. Not trying to move in on your girl.”
“She’s made her decision when it comes to me.” Dakota grabbed his pack.
Houston looked over at them as he walked to the front passenger seat. “Really? So you’re just going to give up?”
“Allie made her choice.”
“And what choice was that?” Houston asked.
“To walk away. And believe me, I gave her plenty of chances to stay.” Dakota moved to get in the van.
Kane stopped him with a heavy hand on his shoulder. “I don’t know why you’re letting a woman like Allie get away. You fight for everything else. Why not her?”
“She doesn’t want me. Or at least, she’s not willing to stay and try to figure something out. What more do you want me to do? Beg?”
“If that’s what it takes, yes.” Kane looked at him like the answer was obvious. Houston just shrugged.
“She knows about my past. About me.” And maybe, like his mother, what she saw wasn’t enough. Goodness knows she’d seen enough instances of him acting exactly like his father.
“What are you talkin’ about?” Orion asked as he walked up.
“I have a temper. It can cause a lot of trouble. And?—” He might as well tell them. “I’m an addict. Got kicked off my last team for good reason. I put them at risk. So maybe she’s the smart one to walk away.”
“You really believe that? ’Cause if you’re talking about taking down that drunk who beat up his wife, I don’t think anyone here would fault you for it.” Kane looked around at the others gathered by the van as he said it. Sax shook his head a little. Houston simply shrugged. Charlie almost looked bored.
Nobody seemed particularly upset or horrified about his admission.
Maybe they didn’t understand. “That’s part of it. But…it’s also bad genetics too. My old man…well, let’s just say he didn’t particularly need a reason for a good beatdown.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re bound to be the same.” Houston plopped his pack in his seat.
“But I am the same. I fought my own brother. And he was just trying to help me.”
“Help you how?” Charlie asked.
“He was the one that told me I needed help. I didn’t take it very well. I could blame it on the oxycodone-induced haze, but the truth is I was just really messed up and Will made a convenient target.”
“You beat him up?” Hammer asked.
“Psh. Yeah, right. I got one solid hit. Will took it easy on me, but I still landed flat on my back.” As soon as his head had cleared enough to realize what he’d done, he’d been eaten up with remorse, but it was too late. The damage had been done. Dani had helped him to his feet, his nose bleeding. The twins had stared at him like he’d torn every shred of faith they had in him. Will had just stared at him, jaw taut, eyes filled with something like pity.
“I don’t know if I’ve ever known such shame.” Dakota’s voice dropped to almost nothing.
“So that’s the regret you carry around.” Kane said it like he might actually understand.
Dakota didn’t say anything. Of course he carried that regret around.
He might’ve kicked the pill-popping habit, but nothing was going to cure him of being that hotheaded kid. He was Buck Masterson’s son, after all. So Allie was smart to leave now, before he dragged her down further.
“Look, we all have a past. But I see you studying that Bible before you go to sleep at night. Isn’t there something about forgiveness in there, Houston? You’re a pastor, right?” Kane asked.
Dakota knew all the verses. “Yeah, I know I’m forgiven but…I dunno. I’ve got a lot to make up for. I want to be a better example for my nephews, prove to my brother that all that he’s invested in me isn’t a waste. To show God that I’m grateful. And to show people that I’m nothing like my father.”
“Maybe you’re so busy trying to prove something that you’ve forgotten who your heavenly Father is. He fought for you. Chose you. And all your sin, not just some of it, has been paid for and taken away. Instead of trying so hard to pay back the grace you’ve been given, why don’t you simply receive it for the gift it is?”
Houston’s words landed with an impact.
Was that what Dakota was doing? Trying to earn the grace of God? Because, yes, it felt very much like it was up to him to prove to the world he was more like his heavenly Father than his earthly one.
“And about Allie?” Kane spoke up. “You’re an idiot. You like her. You should fight for her.”
“What do you know about it?”
“I know a little about how regret can erode a man from the inside. How finding a good woman, a brave woman, a woman who sees something inside a guy like me, is a rare gift. And I know this because I was an idiot too. I let the woman I love slip away. You still have time to make this right with Allie.”
“She left.”
“Tell me, is she leaving because she doesn’t like you, or is she leaving because she’s scared?”
“I thought she liked me. But…she’s got her own past she’s grappling with.”
“Then she’s probably running away. Don’t let her. Tell her you’ll wait.”
“It’s not that easy. I don’t have a car.”
“You can take my truck when we get back. I’m driving it to the site. See you in a bit.” He strode away to his black Silverado.
Maybe Kane was right. Maybe his knee-jerk reaction was pushing her away mostly to protect himself.
But before he could do anything, they had a fire to put out.