Chapter 31
Miles
My body is hot and cold at the same time. I don’t know how that’s possible, but it’s happening. And my head… it’s too quiet, making everything around me too loud even though there is no noise.
JJ is married? I thought maybe he was messing around with other people, maybe had a boyfriend, but I never expected him to be married.
He was too… free to be tied down in that way.
Didn’t have to be home at a certain time.
Called me late at night. I was at his house, and it never felt like anyone else lived there. It doesn’t make sense.
And I can’t begin to wrap my head around the rest of the trauma he’s endured. What kind of sick monster was his father? He forced his three boys to watch him kill their mother and then himself? That’s some crazy movie shit, not what happens in real life.
Of course I know it happens in real life, but it’s what you hear about… and it never feels real. But this is real. This is his life, his story. This is what’s made him who he is today.
Terrible things happen to people, and it messes them up.
It’s one of the reasons I wanted to be a therapist. I wanted to help people with their trauma and live a normal, healthy life despite what they’d gone through.
Losing my parents was traumatic enough, I can’t imagine losing them in the way JJ lost his.
How do you get out of bed after that? How do you move forward at all?
How do you not live each day with that image on repeat?
It’s terrible and sad… but it doesn’t excuse his behavior, which we have both stated.
He can’t lie to people just because he has shit to deal with.
I mean, he can—he can do whatever he wants—but I don’t have to deal with it, nor do I want to.
I want a calm life. I want to settle down.
I’d forgotten about my dream to get married and have my own kids when Noah was born, but JJ made me remember what I want for myself.
The more time that goes on, the more I piece together the life I want.
It’s easier to imagine now—and being with a married man isn’t part of that. I do want to hear him out, though.
“Then explain,” I finally say.
He regards me for a long moment, before sighing and running his hand through his hair.
“We’ve been married for fourteen years—”
“Fourteen years?” I scoff. “Holy shit,” I mutter to myself, closing my eyes. Unbelievable. Fourteen years? That’s like half my life!
“It’s not—” He pauses, his hands balling into fists.
“I know that’s a long time, but it doesn’t mean as much as you think it would.
We don’t live together. We hardly see each other.
We lived together for the first couple of years, tried to make it work, but realized we needed to live separate lives.
I live here and he lives in California.”
That sparks a memory.
“California… so you were with him recently?” I ask, fighting back the bile in my throat.
I hold my breath as I wait for his response. I already know what it’s going to be by the look in his eyes.
“Yes. Sort of. I only saw him for like ten minutes. Franklin has no interest in having a husband.”
“Then why are you still married?”
He huffs a laugh.
“That’s the million-dollar question. One I can’t begin to dig into because I don’t know.
I don’t know why I’ve stayed with him this entire time when all he’s done is try to change me and hide me.
But more specifically, right now? He’s opening a chain of high-class restaurants and doesn’t want negative attention brought to him by divorcing.
I think maybe when we first married, he wanted it, but that didn’t last long. ”
“So, you’re separated?”
“Technically, I guess, but neither of us have said that. I’ve been trying for years to fix our marriage.
I never gave up on it, but he gave up on it a long time ago, and I didn’t want to see it.
The signs are all there. As I look back, I see how much energy I put into him and get nothing in return. ”
“What does that mean, exactly?” I ask carefully.
“I’m not happy with him. We shouldn’t be married. It means a lot of things, most of which I haven’t figured out yet.”
“Did you sleep with him when you were in California?”
“No,” he says firmly, slashing his hand through the air.
“I can’t remember the last time Franklin and I slept together.
Years. More than five, probably. But I’ve hooked up with people over the years.
He has, too. It’s like this unspoken thing between us, and—” He sighs.
“Speaking this all out loud to you only makes me realize how dumb I am.”
“This is really fucked up, JJ.”
“I know,” he says, his voice softer as he comes to sit beside me. “That’s why I never talked about it. I hate feeling like a failure and like I’m stupid. And pathetic.”
“You’re none of those things,” I say slowly. “You just… want your husband to love you. I mean, you married him for a reason, right?”
“Exactly,” he says, but there isn’t much effort put behind it.
I hear in his tone that he isn’t lying. He’s tired of this marriage.
“I did, and that’s what I held on to for so long, even though in the back of my mind, I knew we changed.
We aren’t the same people, and we should have split a very long time ago.
My brother has been trying to get me to see it from the beginning, but I didn’t want to listen. ”
I nod, looking at the floor, needing a minute to think about all of this. I saw the signs that JJ had something going on from the first night I met him, but I never imagined it would be this much. It’s a lot. More than I agreed to when I agreed to simple.
“It always felt like you were doing it on purpose,” I finally say, my voice quiet.
“Doing what?”
“Pulling away. Refusing to let yourself be happy.”
He winces just slightly, barely noticeable.
“I’ve never felt like I deserved to be happy. Not after letting my mother die.”
“JJ… no.” I turn to face him, my heart hurting for him.
I want to hug him. Squeeze him. Drill into his head that it wasn’t his fault.
“No, you can’t think like that. You didn’t let your mother die.
You were just a kid. Your father sounds like a fucking maniac, and anyone in their right mind would have done exactly what you did. ”
“I just…” He takes a deep breath. “I can never get the look on her face out of my head. The fear and strength. She tried so hard to be strong for us, to act like everything was going to be okay, but we all knew. Even Hollis, who was only seven. He knew something was very wrong, and Nash and I, we just… we couldn’t stop him.
” He shakes his head, his eyes welling with tears, but they don’t spill.
“Franklin is the only person in my life that I shared that experience with, so I just felt like…”
“Like there was some kind of connection between you two? Something only you two had?”
“I guess, yeah. Something like that. It was too much work to tell someone else, to relive everything that happened to me. And Franklin didn’t use it against me in obvious ways, but I think he did it subtly.
I didn’t want to be vulnerable, because Franklin has been hurting me for so long and it felt like opening up would open me up to more pain. ”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. My head is starting to hurt, and I could use a nap, but at the same time, I don’t want him to leave. I don’t really want to talk anymore either. I’m just so tired. And confused.
“I’m sorry you’ve been dealing with this. But I really wish you would have been honest with me from the beginning.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t,” he adds, his voice also so tired.
“I don’t know what you expect to happen here—”
“Miles, I just wanted to tell you the truth,” he says sincerely. “That’s it. I needed to let you know everything. That’s all.”
“I don’t know if I can trust you, JJ. I mean…
you’ve been lying to me this whole time.
Hiding a whole other life. A husband. I could handle you keeping the stuff with your parents to yourself until we got closer, but this Franklin thing?
You should have told me about this on night one and let me decide if I wanted to get involved. ”
Nodding, he says, “You’re right. I know I fucked up.
But I didn’t expect things to get so… like this.
I didn’t think I’d see you again. The more we talked and hung out, the harder it was to come clean because I…
” He takes a deep breath. “I knew it was wrong, and I knew telling you at this point risked ruining everything, and I’m just so tired of ruining things.
And that’s not my life anymore, so it felt like, at the same time, there wasn’t a reason to tell you. ”
“But it was,” I say firmly. “Regardless of how bad your marriage was, it still happened. It’s still a thing. That’s the life you wanted, the life you were protecting.”
“It’s all I knew.” His voice cracks.
I want to give in. Hug him. Tell him it’s okay. But I have to hold my ground. I’m upset, and I won’t keep giving pieces of myself to people who don’t deserve it. I’ve done that before… I won’t do it again.
“And I understand that, but like you said, it doesn’t take back everything you’ve done. You’ve had many opportunities to explain what’s going on. And when I figured it out accidentally, you got angry with me.”
“I am so sorry for that,” he whispers, looking down at his clasped hands. “I never should have reacted that way, I was just so scared of losing you.” It’s quiet for a moment, then he adds, “Had I told you I was married from day one… what then?”
“I don’t know,” I say with a slight shake of my head.
“But at least I would have known that I can trust you.” He holds my gaze, and I can’t tell if he wants to say something, but I know I need to.
I also want him to understand me as much as he wants me to understand him.
“I was in a really bad relationship for a few years. Derek was the king of assholes and the worst type of manipulator. He lied all the time and did it so well. And though I know you’re not him, it’s hard to not feel the same way sometimes.
The memories of that pain come back too quickly, and I’m sure you know exactly what I mean when I say that. ”
“I do. I really do, and I am so fucking sorry.” JJ gets on his knees in front of me, taking my hands and looking me in the eyes.
His are red-rimmed. Tired. Dull. “Miles, you’re the one who’s made me realize that I deserve more.
You make me happy. You… you make me feel like I can have the life I really want.
When I’m with you, I feel safe, like I can be open and vulnerable and not have to worry…
it just took me too long to realize that, and I fucked up along the way. ”
I speak softly, and say, “I’m glad I can give that to you, but what happens when you meet the next one who makes you realize something else? A little something more?”
“No, I—”
“You need to figure this out for you, JJ. Not for me or anyone else. You need to make these decisions for yourself, not because of me.” I pull my hands away and lean back, putting some space between us. “I know what I want in life. And I want to be with someone who knows the same.”
“But I know what I want,” he says firmly.
“At the expense of my feelings,” I say, my voice cracking.
I get to my feet. This conversation needs to be over.
I can’t handle anymore. I won’t allow him to see me cry.
As much as I want to hug him and tell him everything will be okay, I can’t.
Because I’ll be hurting myself, and I give enough of myself to everyone else. There has to be boundaries.
“Miles, I’m sorry…”
I turn to face him. “I know you are. But… it doesn’t fix anything, JJ.”
He gets up, standing just a foot from me. “So, you can’t forgive me?”
“Right now, I can’t even think straight. I’m sorry, but this is affecting me way more than I expected it to.”
He gives a small, understanding nod. “I’m sorry that I hurt you. I swear it wasn’t my intention.”
“I believe you. You’re not a bad person.”
He huffs a humorless laugh. “Pretty sure my actions say otherwise.” He moves toward the door, but I take his wrist. He looks up at me.
“You’re just lost. Stop worrying about everyone else. Me. Franklin. Nash. Hollis. Guys at work. Take some time to think about you. Don’t listen to anything anyone has ever said or will say. Don’t take anyone’s advice. Listen to yourself, JJ. Just you. That’s the only person who matters.”
He gives me a look that says he thinks it’s pointless. I let his wrist go, and he’s out the door.