Chapter 21
Alyssia
“It’s so sweet that he checks to see if you’ve eaten breakfast every morning,” Kandace swoons.
I move from the living room couch to the little balcony in my apartment that looks out on the street. From here I get to watch my neighbors pass by, going in and out of coffee shops and the thrift store housed in beautiful, old and colorful stone buildings.
The overcast skies match the loneliness that I woke up with inside of my chest this morning. I normally don’t mind days to myself, but for some odd reason, I wanted to hop on the train and get out to Travis waiting for me with breakfast so we could go for a walk.
Instead, I went on a walk by myself.
Now, I’m talking to my best friend and trying not to admit to how much I miss him knowing he’s so far away and busy.
“He just wants to make sure the baby is getting what it needs,” I mumble.
Kandace sucks her teeth. “Girl, have you forgotten where I work?”
I scrunch my face, but she continues without needing an answer from me.
“I’ve seen whole husbands kick their wife out of a hospital bed so they can nap. Their wife who’s just given birth. Baby daddies who are more concerned with their video game than their laboring partner.
“Travis greets you at the train station with breakfast and your favorite tea in hand every morning. And checks in with you from halfway around the world to make sure you’ve eaten. That’s more than him just caring about the baby.”
I swallow the lump forming in my throat and try to stifle the butterflies in my belly. Her words feel too good to be true, although I’ve told myself not to bother wanting something more with Travis.
A piece of me wants to tell my best friend that this is nothing more than Travis stepping up and being a good guy, who’s going to be a father.
But then I remember that day at the hospital when he looked me in my eyes and told me he hadn’t gotten everything he wanted yet. And I know I want to be a part of what he wants.
“Can I say how crazy it is that you have a man that flies all around the world to race?”
“I don’t have a man.” My voice comes out weaker than I intended.
Kandace sucks her teeth. “You’re carrying that man’s baby.”
“That doesn’t make him my man.”
“Tell me, what does it mean then?”
“It means we had sex and the condom broke.”
I rise from my seat on the balcony when my kettle in the kitchen starts whistling.
“Hmm, and have you slept with anyone since being with him?”
I pause while pouring my water into teacup. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Answer the question.”
“No and you know I haven’t.”
“Do I? It’s not like you told me when you met him in Vegas.”
I flinch at the spike of guilt that courses through me.
“I would’ve told you if I had been with anyone else,” I defend as I grab my tea mug and pad my way back to the balcony.
I sigh and blow on my tea.
“You say that now, but …” Kandace drifts off.
“But, what?” I can tell there’s more she wants to say.
She pushes out a harsh breath. “Do you really want to know? And don’t get smart by saying ‘I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.’”
I snicker at the accuracy.
“Tell me.”
“Your tendency to keep everything to yourself,” she finally says after a beat. “You keep so much locked up inside of you, Alyssia. You barely share with me.”
“I share everything with you,” I retort, feeling defensive.
“When you’re forced to. If you hadn’t gotten pregnant, would you have told me about what happened between you and Travis in Vegas?”
“I—” I stop myself because I don’t have an answer for her question. Would I have told her?
“And I’m not saying you have to tell me about every single sexcapade you have. We’re all entitled to our privacy. But what I’m getting at is your reluctance to let anyone in. You hold yourself back from letting anyone see all of you.”
“How can you say that? You’ve been my best friend since freshman year. I let you in.”
“Do you even remember how our friendship started?”
“Of course I do.” Kandace and I lived on the same dorm floor freshman year, but it wasn’t until we were partnered together in our biology lab that we became friends.
“Then you should remember how if it were up to you, we probably would never have been friends.”
I open and close my mouth thinking of those early days as a college student.
“You were so closed off, ignoring anyone who tried to be your friend. If I hadn’t begged our biology professor to partner me with you for lab, I doubt you would’ve even spoken to me.”
“Professor James did what?”
“You heard me. I told him you needed my help but were too embarrassed to ask.”
“Kandace,” I gasp. “I didn’t know that. Why would you—”
“Because you barely spoke in the dorm, you rarely came out to the parties or social events. It just …” She sighs. “Seeing you all alone and sad when you thought no one was looking reminded me of my sister.”
My heart squeezes, and my hand trembles, nearly leading me to spill my tea. I set it down on the small, metal table in front of me.
Kandace had an older sister who committed suicide while Kandace was in middle school. It’s one of the things, once we got to know one another, that we bonded over. We both know what it’s like to lose people we love.
She told me it’s also why she chose to go into a profession that helps bring new life into the world.
“Kandace—”
“I don’t mean to compare you to Raquel,” she says of her sister. “But by then I had an idea of what depression looked like, and well, I wanted to help if I could.”
As much as I want to tell Kandace she’s wrong, the truth is, she’s not. At eighteen and living on the other side of the country from where I grew up, I was not only overwhelmed with the change, but I was also still deep in grief.
It’d been four years since that accident that injured me and killed my parents, but only a year after my grandmother died, and six months since the boyfriend I’d dated all throughout high school dumped me.
I wasn’t looking for any more people to get close to only to lose them.
“You didn’t make it easy,” she continues. “With all your one-word answers. But I’m persistent,” she says in a cheery tone.
“More than anyone I know.” Kandace is very much an extrovert whereas I’m not.
“That said, are you doing the same thing with Travis?”
“What same thing?”
“Keeping him at arms’ length.”
“We’re, you know, getting to know one another for the sake of the baby.”
“Nonsense.”
She recounts all of the things he’s done for me since finding out I was pregnant.
“Some men go above and beyond for their kids.”
Kandace pushes out a frustrated breath. I can picture her squeezing her eyes shut, the way she does when she’s on the verge of having it with my shit.
“Alyssia, I love you, but I swear if you were standing in front of me right now …”
A grin splits my lips.
“Maybe there’s something there,” I finally say. “It could just be sexual tension though,” I quickly add. “I swear these hormone shifts are wild. Do you know how much a body changes during pregnancy?”
“I do, and don’t you dare try to change the subject.”
Busted.
This is one of the problems with having a best friend. They know you too damn well.
“Orrr,” Kandace eventually draws out.
“I don’t like that tone.”
She giggles. Now I know I’m not going to like what she’s going to say.
“Why don’t you allow yourself to experience what you’re feeling?”
“What are you talking about?” I ask despite the fact I’m pretty certain where this is going.
“You’re horny and you have a perfectly capable, hot baby daddy right there. I bet he’s waiting to service you.”
“Kandace!” I shout. “He’s not.”
“Why not? Unless he has someone else he’s getting it from.”
Her comment feels like a piercing to the heart. I plop back against my chair.
“He, uh …” What could I say? Travis and I never discussed dating or seeing anyone else.
I don’t have any official claim over him, and he is on the road a lot for work. Not to mention he’s gorgeous, accomplished, and the type of guy who uses humor to save a woman on the verge of a panic attack in an elevator.
In other words, he’s who ay reasonable woman would fall all over themselves to have a shot with.
“Alyssia?”
“What?” I blurt, having completely missed Kandace’s last comment.
“I asked what’s wrong with having sex with your baby daddy? You’ve done it before, and I’m presuming you enjoyed it. I mean, if he was a selfish lover and didn’t get you off, then—”
“That wasn’t a problem,” I cut her off. “He was more than generous that night.” The note of reminiscence that fills my voice isn’t lost on me or on Kandace.
She squeals. “Good. Then let your pussy be a gateway to your heart.”
I spit out my tea. “What has gotten into you?”
I don’t think she can hear me over her laughter.
“You heard me,” she says in between squeals. “Let your body say what your mouth won’t. That is, until you’re ready to open up. A relationship isn’t built on sex alone.”
“I know,” I say while wiping off the droplets of tea that’ve gotten all over my oversized sweatshirt.
“I can’t use him like that. What if he doesn’t want me?”
“Alyssia, have you seen you?” Kandace asks. “And I didn’t believe this was possible, but you’re even more stunning pregnant.”
I send Kandace pictures at least once a week of new outfits since I’ve had to do some shopping for maternity clothes that are comfortable for the office.
“Thank you,” I tell her. “You know you’re beautiful yourself.”
“Which is why I knew we’d be besties,” she says, making us both laugh. “No, really. It’s obvious you have a thing for your baby daddy, even if you’re not ready to admit it out loud yet.
“Whether that’s your fear or something else is up for you to figure out, but fear’s not a good enough reason to stop you from getting your back blown out.”
“Dammit! You almost made me choke on my tea again.”
“It’s time for you to choke on something else.”
“Kandace!”
She just laughs.
My phone beeps with an incoming call.
“That’s Uncle Theo. He’s probably calling to update me on their expected arrival time.”
Uncle Theo and Owen are currently on a cruise across the Atlantic Ocean. They’re doing a European tour, and will have some down time. I’m trying to convince them to stay with me for at least a week so we can travel and explore together.
“Tell your uncles I said hi. Love you.”
“Love you, too,” I tell her then pause. “Kandace?”
“Yeah?”
“Thanks for not giving up on me freshman year.”
She sucks her teeth. “Girl, you’d be a mess without me.”