Chapter 7
Chapter Seven
Rylee
I wasn’t supposed to feel this way, like I’d found my home.
But with Cam’s arms wrapped around me, while his fingers trailed down my back, that’s exactly how I felt.
For the first time in my life, I’d found a place I belonged.
And someone I could belong to. And it was terrifying for a girl who prided herself on being strong enough to do life alone.
“Rylee, I should’ve used a condom.” His grip on me tightened. “I’m sorry about that, baby. I always do. With you, I just lost my mind.”
I tipped my head back, smiling. “I like that you lost control with me. And it’s okay, you don’t have to worry, I promise.” The fact that we already had a level of trust I’d never had with anyone else was crazy to me.
He kissed my temple. “I get the feeling it’s been a while for you.”
I blushed, dipping my head. “That obvious, huh?”
He chuckled, locking my legs down with his. “In the best possible way.” His expression was serious when he cradled my cheek in his hand and forced me to look at him. “You’re okay though, right? I didn’t hurt you?”
I flat-out melted. Because the way this man looked at me, like I was some priceless treasure he’d never expected to find, was unbelievable to me.
I’d always kept my guard up for a reason. To protect myself. Because the people who were supposed to be there for me, proved to me you couldn’t count on anyone, so I’d learned to rely on myself.
But here was this guy, who showed up out of nowhere, almost making me believe I could count on him.
“I feel amazing.” I kissed his chest, trying to hide the sheen in my eyes, because this shit was getting a little too real.
“Good.” He kissed my forehead. “How’s your mama? I should have asked that earlier. But I got so caught up trying to convince you not to write me off.”
It made me happy that he’d remembered to ask at all. Given how horrible she’d been to him, and me, at the hospital I wouldn’t blame him if he never wanted to hear her name again.
“She’s doing better. They’ll be releasing her tomorrow, I think. It doesn’t look like she’ll need the angioplasty or stent.”
“That’s good.”
“Thank you for going to the hospital with me. I’ve never…” I didn’t want to sound weak or vulnerable, but I really valued honesty and he’d earned that.
“You’ve never what?”
“Um, had anyone to do anything like that with me before. If there was an emergency, I always just dealt with it alone.”
“Jesus, Ry. You’re breaking my heart.”
“I don’t mean to.” I sat up so I could look him in the eye. “Seriously, I don’t want you to feel bad for me. It’s all good. I just wanted you to know I appreciated having you with me last night, that’s all.”
He pulled me back down on his chest and hugged me tighter. “You’re so damn strong. I don’t think I could have endured what you have.”
“Pretty sure you could have, tough guy.”
His praise meant a lot. But his respect meant everything.
“You give me too much credit.” There was a beat of silence before he said, “Look, I know this isn’t going to be easy. But we’re both used to hard. And I’m game, if you are?”
I didn’t know what he was asking. Did he want more of this? Random hook-ups when our schedules would allow? Or was he asking for more, like a long-distance relationship?
“Ry…?” He tipped my head back, forcing me to look him in the eye. “Talk to me. What are you thinking?”
“People have opinions about us. Just like I knew they would.” Most were positive, some were negative. A few even accused him of cradle robbing, which was ridiculous, since I’d dealt with more crap than most people twice my age.
“Let them talk. I don’t give a shit about that. I asked what you’re thinking.”
“I’m thinking,” I said, tracing his chest tattoos with my fingertip. “That this feels really good. And if I’m not careful, I could get used to it.”
“You don’t want to get used to it?”
I sighed, rolling on my back as I stared up at the ceiling.
These four walls represented safety and security, something I’d never had before I signed my first contract with Spencer Records a few years ago.
Before that, I’d been living hand to mouth, playing bars and festivals praying I’d make enough to pay my bills that month.
But everything felt different now. I was different. And I finally felt safe and secure in the life I’d built. But if I let another person in, would I be compromising that? Giving him too much power… to hurt me. And leave me feeling unstable and vulnerable again, when he inevitably left?
“I want…” Speaking the truth about my deepest, darkest fears and secrets didn’t come naturally to me.
I’d never been an oversharer. I believed in letting people in on a need-to-know basis, but freezing Cam out would ensure I never had another night like this, and I wasn’t ready to let him go yet.
“To be with you. But my heart is telling me to keep you at a safe distance.”
He rolled onto his side, looking more curious than upset when he asked, “Why?”
“Because that’s what I’ve always done in relationships. I never let anyone get too close.” I bit my lip to keep it from trembling because I was determined not to cry. “Letting people in, relying on someone, opens you up to a world of hurt.”
“Because you equate love with hurt.”
Tossing around the L-word so casually was not something I’d ever done. Maybe because no one had ever told me they loved me. And I’d never felt an emotion so strong it could be described as love.
“I equate hurt,” I said, choosing my words carefully, “with letting people get too close. I keep things casual and choose partners who are safe, meaning there’s no risk I could fall for them.”
“But you just told me you’re falling for me.” His tone was gentle when he asked, “Did you just say that in the heat of the moment?”
I turned my head to look at him, feeling the same rush that I’d felt when I saw him the first time. It couldn’t even be described as chemistry or sexual attraction. It went way beyond that.
“I never say anything in the heat of the moment.”
His lips curved into a slight smile as he kissed my shoulder. “Good to know.”
I could tell he was letting me set the tone, and didn’t want to push me too hard, but he deserved to know where I saw this going. What I was capable of, in terms of a relationship.
“You know I travel a lot, so seeing each other wouldn’t be easy. Obviously, you’d be free to date other people, I mean, if we decide this is even something we want to pursue.”
Knowing he was with other women would feel like a body blow, but it was too soon, and I was a little too messed up, to expect exclusivity.
There was an edge to his voice when he asked, “You want to see other guys?”
“It feels way too soon to make anything official, doesn’t it?”
“You tell me.”
“You’re not making this easy.”
“It’s not supposed to be easy. Figuring this shit out is hard.”
Since he probably had a lot more experience with committed relationships than I had, I would have to take his word for that.
Rolling onto my side and forcing myself to face him, to look into his eyes, I asked, “What do you want from me?”
His sexy smirk curled my toes when he said, “More.”
“More sex?” I forced myself to ask, though the word felt empty and hollow now. What I’d just experienced with him wasn’t sex. I didn’t even know how to define it.
He leaned in to kiss me, his lips still hovering over mine when he said, “I want more of everything with you. I want date nights. I want to talk to you on the phone every night. Curl up and watch TV with you. Travel to see your shows. Make love to you as often as I can.”
His words triggered something in me. A deep longing I’d been suppressing forever.
“That sounds a lot like a relationship.” I swallowed the emotion in my throat, because he’d made me realize how much I wanted what he was offering.
“Call it whatever you want. I think I’ll just call it my Rylee-time.”
That made me smile as I leaned into kiss him. “Rylee-time might be hard to come by sometimes. My career demands a lot from me. That would probably make me a lousy girlfriend, if we were to ever put a label on this thing.”
He laced his hand through mine. “Would you cheat on me? Ignore my calls and texts? Shit-talk me behind my back?”
“What?” I reared back, slapping his chest with my free hand. “No! Why would you say that?”
He grinned. “Then you wouldn’t be a lousy girlfriend, Rylee. As long as we’re honest and respectful, can make time to talk to each other, even when we can’t be together, and support each other’s careers, I think we can make this thing work. Even long distance.”
I curled my arm around his neck, drawing him closer. “Are we actually gonna do this thing?”
He smiled, asking, “Do you want to?”
I threw my head back. “God help me, I think I do.”
I wanted to do all the little things ‘normal’ couples did. Things I’d never wanted to do with anyone else. Like take long walks. Go to movies. Get ice cream. Or stroll a farmer’s market holding his hand.
What the hell was happening to me?
He laughed, warming a cold place deep inside me. “Good, I want that too.”
“How much longer can you stay?” Now that we’d decided to try this couple thing, I didn’t want him to leave until we’d made a dent in my silly checklist. “I want to do all the things with you before you go.”
He raised an eyebrow, looking amused. “All the things, huh? Care to fill me in?”
“All the silly couple things I’ve never wanted to do with anyone else.” He laughed as I ran down the list of things I had in my head. “Why are you laughing at me?”
“I think you’re adorable.” He kissed the tip of my nose. “And I think I’m going to love doing all the things with you no other guy has been lucky enough to do.”
“I’ve always dated musicians,” I admitted. “So almost every date we had revolved around music. A jam session. Going to a bar to listen to live music, a free concert in the park or—”
He kissed me. “I don’t want to hear about the things you’ve done with other guys.”
Apparently, I had a lot to learn about dating someone like Cam, who always spoke his mind.
“Okay.”
“Why have you only dated musicians?”
“It was convenient, I guess. Music has been my life for as long as I can remember, so dating guys in the band, or guys I met at shows was just easy for me.” I rested my hand on his chest, and revealed another secret. “But I’ve always had a thing for cops.”
He curled his hand around my wrist. “Why?”
I told him the story of the cop who’d come to do wellness checks at our apartment when I was a kid, because my mama had been reported after leaving me alone one too many times.
“He always made me feel safe. Like he cared. He even gave me his business card, with his cell phone number, and told me to call him if I ever felt scared or was left alone.” I swallowed the tears and added, “I know he was just doing his job, but it meant a lot to me.”
I didn’t see pity in his eyes, only admiration, and that gave me a sense of peace.
Like I could tell him anything and he wouldn’t judge me.
“I’ve met a lot of kids in my line of work, who needed someone to help them feel safe. Getting to be that guy has been one of the greatest honours of my life.”
I rolled onto my back, feeling a rush of emotions that hit me hard.
Damn.
Was this what love felt like?
It couldn’t be.
You couldn’t fall in love this quickly, could you?
“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to bring up a lot of bad memories by asking you about this stuff.”
“Don’t be sorry.” I had a feeling courage would be a buzzword in our relationship if I wanted to take off the mask and show him the Rylee no one else got to see.
“Telling you things I don’t tell other people, about my upbringing, has made me feel things…
” I wouldn’t go too far or say too much, but I needed him to know how much it meant to me that I felt comfortable enough to confide in him.
He released my wrist and brushed waves off my face while asking, “What kind of things?”
“It’s made me feel safe and secure, like you’re someone I can trust.”
His smile was the reward for my honesty when he said, “I love that.”
I had no doubt this man would either break me or help piece me back together.