Chapter 17
Somewhere above me, someone was screaming. It was all I could hear, all I could even perceive. There was only darkness around me, and I’d lost the sensations of my heartbeat and the air against my skin. I could no longer feel anything at all.
And yet, I could still hear the screaming, and I couldn’t make it stop.
I would have panicked, except I was still caged in the void, left without the body to contain such an emotion.
I didn’t understand what was happening until the wailing broke into a series of heavy sobs and I heard his voice for the first time.
“Why did you go?” Thanatos cried. “Cyrie, why did you go? Why did you go?”
I very nearly felt panic through the nothingness then. I wanted so desperately to answer, to reach for him and touch him, but the darkness was impenetrable. I could only listen as he screamed my name through another guttural sob. “I won’t do it. I won’t do it!”
Oh, I took it back, I took it back! How could I have done this to him? Why had I cared about Leon’s fate, or the fate of my city, when I knew the road might lead to this? I didn’t care anymore—nothing could ever be worth this nightmare! There could be no purer torture than hearing Thanatos cry.
I’d thought this would be our agonizing goodbye, but no, it was so much worse.
My body was broken, yet Death refused to take me from it.
Trapped in a prison of oppressive nothingness, all I could do was listen to his sorrow as he tried to hold me together, hearing his pain with the last sense that still tethered my soul to my flesh.
“No! No, you STAY!”
Feeling flooded back into my body at his word, but it was only excruciating pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Pain.
Someone else was screaming now. Oh, it was probably me.
But just as suddenly as its onset, the pain vanished and I could feel nothing once again. Nothing. Nothing. My body was gone, not a single sensation remaining, save for my cursed hearing. I almost wished for the return of the pain, for at least this was familiar to me.
Thanatos wailed. I heard the sound of his wings against the wind, and the clamor of the city around us dropped away.
Soon afterward, every sound of nature went silent all at once.
Somehow this made everything even worse, for now I could more clearly hear his weeping.
What had I done? My dead heart shattered again.
The ugly sounds of his sorrow persisted until the beating of his wings was replaced by echoing footfalls. Thanatos struggled to stifle his tears as his steps slowed to a halt. When he’d managed to regain a semblance of control, I heard the sound of his quivering voice.
“Hades, please help me,” he begged in a whisper.
Fuck. Hades?
“Thanatos?” a man replied in a deep, unfamiliar voice. “What are you doing? Isn’t that my oracle?”
“Hades, please,” Thanatos cried, his words separated by broken sobs. “Please let me have her! Please give her to me…”
“What? You want…” Hades’ voice dropped away in a torturous pause. When he spoke again, it was with cold, collected fury. “Are you serious, Thanatos? That is exactly what started all of this in the first place. Why should I judge differently now?”
“Because Apollo did not have the bargain that I do,” Thanatos insisted with more strength than before. “Without me, you will lose many more subjects than one. You will lose and lose, for I swear I will not fly until my grief is sated. Do you think it will be quickly? Look at me!”
“What has gotten into you?” Hades yelled, composure cracking. “You have never been this way. You have never leveraged your godhood for gain, never cared for mortal or immortal. To deny death is to deny your very self! Just give her a constellation and be done with this madness!”
“No. You will give her to me, for I am deserving. Yes, even I. Even I need someone to love.” His voice broke again. “I need her, Hades. Please. Please…”
For a tense moment there came no reply. Then the silence was broken by soft feminine laughter, and I heard the sound of approaching footsteps. “Oh, you poor thing,” said a woman with a touch of amusement. “Look, husband. See how Death weeps over his duty. Such a thing I have never seen. Have you?”
“Persey…”
“Fuck’s sake, Hades, look at him!” she snapped. “If you won’t do it, I will. But you really should. This entire bit of nonsense needs to be put to rest. The boy did well, did he not?”
“He seems…capable enough,” Hades grumbled.
“Then let it be, for our friend.”
There was a long pause, during which the King of the Underworld presumably weighed his options.
He let out a grumbling sigh. “This is what you truly desire?” he questioned fiercely once more.
“To crack our impartiality, after everything I have already done in your name? Know that you concede your revenge for this, Thanatos. You and I will be more than even. You will owe me.”
“Do it,” Thanatos said instantly. “I want nothing more.”
“Fine. Direct her soul.”
Agony shattered my void again.
Unimaginable pain.
Pain.
Pain.
I was vaguely aware of more words being spoken, but I could gather no meaning through the sounds of my own wailing.
I might have heard Thanatos crying again, too, but I couldn’t be certain of anything; my world had been reduced to suffering and overwhelming night.
I lost myself then, drowning in the stygian void.
I let my consciousness go and was swallowed whole by the all-consuming darkness.
* * *
It felt like a dream at first, emerging from that darkness.
Like I’d always been asleep, and the insanity of the previous hours was just a wayward trick of my mind.
But reality only grew clearer. Maybe it was the fact that I could feel my lungs again, could feel the air of each breath I took.
My body, I could feel that, too, and it was no longer agony.
Instead, my blood seemed to burn in my veins—not with pain, but with some terrifying energy that urged my heart to beat faster than before.
Awakening, I was afraid. Consciousness came with so many questions. I tried to think about my breath again, and the softness of the pillows beneath me, and the light I knew waited beyond my closed eyelids. I anchored myself in the comfort of the hand holding mine. Thanatos? I gave it a squeeze.
“Cyrie?” he whispered. “Please come back to me.” Yes, it was him. He was here for me. But the way his voice quivered around my name revealed an anguish I’d never heard in it before. “Come back to me,” he pleaded once again. So I opened my eyes.
There he was, my reaper of souls, sitting beside me on a wide bed with dark covers. He was a complete mess, covered in dust and blood, his eyes red from crying. I felt a pang of guilt when I realized it was my blood that stained his skin. I was the cause of his suffering.
“Thanatos?” I mumbled, surprising myself with my ability to speak. “You look terrible.” The words came with a twinge of pain, for my throat was sore from all of my screaming.
He managed a strained laugh, and squeezed my hand too tightly. “You are not supposed to tell gods they look terrible,” he said gently. “I could smite you, you know.”
I chuckled once at his banter, but my spirit faltered. Despite his comforting presence, I remained lost and confused. My body felt somehow heated and leaden at the same time. Where were we? How had I gotten here? “What…what happened?”
Thanatos placed his other hand on top of mine, his brow furrowed. He answered in a whisper heavy with emotion. “I cheated for you.”
My thoughts spiraled. This couldn’t be real—his words made no sense at all. He’d told me that he would never do such a thing. But then again…
“I was sort of there,” I realized aloud. “I heard, I think.” Already it was a clouded memory, a fading dream of desperate pleas and terrible sounds. But I had heard it. Yes, I’d heard him beg for my soul. “You…you cheated yourself to save me?” I searched his expression with indecisive hope.
“Yes.” He stroked his thumb slowly over my knuckles, and fresh tears welled in his eyes.
“I have always known the pain that I visit upon men. I have shared in the agony of shattered hearts beyond counting. I have done this from the beginning, without remorse for the balance I bring to existence. Because I am nature. I am necessary.”
He sniffed, and a brimming tear spilled over. “But today I have relinquished my purity,” he declared. “If the other gods can cheat, then so can I. Today I have defied myself without regret, because I love you. Because for you, I would do anything.”
“Thanatos,” I breathed in shock. I pushed myself up to sit, but my body still felt wrong, and I winced at the movement.
I propped myself up gingerly against the bed’s headboard and brought a hand to my stomach, where the front of my dress was torn apart and soaked in crimson.
My skin beneath the shredded fabric was perfectly smooth, as if untouched.
“Does it still hurt?” he worried. His words stirred the memories of overwhelming pain, but no, this was not the same—it was far stranger than that. I couldn’t ignore the creeping feeling of an indescribable thorn in reality.
“I—no, I just…I feel…wrong. There’s something…” I shot him a guilty look. “I…this is probably an offensive question, but are you sure I’m not dead?” Honestly, this seemed like the only plausible explanation.
“Yes, rather offensive indeed,” he replied, and for a moment I caught a glimpse of his usual snark.
“You are not dead, my love. Anymore, at least. I promise.” But his expression turned from certainty to fear, and he stared down at my hand instead of my face.
“As for the feeling you describe, that is probably the…um…the immortality setting in.”
“The what?” I stuttered.
“Uh, to save you, I had to…” He swallowed nervously. “I…you are immortal. I hope you don’t mind.”
Thanatos met my eyes again. I gaped at him wordlessly.