7. Chapter 7
Chapter 7
I did little but daydream about Andrew for the whole following week, but the only time I saw him was when our boats passed on the water. Our eyes occasionally met, but I was never sure what to read in his blank expression, and he hadn’t texted me once.
As I stood behind the bar at work, emptying the till after a busy night, my mind filled for the umpteenth time with the memory of that morning in the tent. I shuddered, wishing I’d done something differently, wishing I’d said something to convince him to stay because for a single, glorious second, it had been everything I wanted.
I watched the scene replay in my mind, shards of sunlight piercing through chinks in the zip as I came back to consciousness. I heard the others unzipping their own tents, asking each other how they’d slept, Ottie complaining because she’d left her trainers outside and they were covered in dew.
Andrew and I were still pressed together, his naked torso flush against my skin where my top had ridden up, his lower half pressed to mine, too, I realized, at which point my mind had cranked into sharp focus, banishing all vestiges of sleep. His hand was a hair’s breadth from my breast, and it had sent want trickling low in my belly. I’d wished the circumstances were different, that it was real, that I could act on my desires.
I'd shifted and felt something hard between my thighs, realizing with a jolt that only the fabric of Andrew's boxers and my thin PJs separated our flesh, and that he was as turned on as I was.
I froze, scared to move, half hoping he would pull away and half hoping he wouldn’t. ‘Andrew?’ I said quietly, then a second time when he didn’t answer. 'Andrew?' He started muttering incongruent words, and I realized his mind was still asleep, even if his body was not.
He started rocking against me, and it felt so freaking good, I let him do it for a few furious heartbeats, knowing I shouldn’t, that I should wake him, that it was wrong on so many levels. But I wanted more. Wanted everything. Wanted his hands to slide over my breasts, to squeeze my rock-hard nipples. I wanted to rip off our clothes and feel him against my core, for him to push me down and slide inside me. But I forced myself to do the right thing, shaking his arm until I felt him start awake, then immediately wishing I hadn’t because as confusion turned to realization on his features, he jerked away as though I burned like lava.
‘I’m … I’m so sorry,’ he’d breathed, mortified, running a hand through his hair, then rolling away and reaching for a pair of sweats. ‘I’m sorry. I mean … I … I didn’t want …’
‘Andrew!’ I said, sitting, trying to process, trying to slow things down as he headed for the tent flap. ‘Andrew?’ But it was like he couldn’t hear me, and he bolted, leaving me in a confused, frustrated heap on the blow-up bed.
I snapped back to the present and put the meager cash takings in the safe—everyone paid on card these days—then joined the servers on clean up, clearing dishes, wiping down tables, and sweeping the floor.
A rap came from the door, and I looked up to find Hazel waving hopefully on the other side of the glass. Guilt sliced through me because I’d had to miss training again tonight. One of my servers had called in sick and no one else could cover, so I’d had little choice.
Luckily, Belle had been available at the last minute, so my crew had trained without me, but I hated letting them down.
‘Hey!’ I said, pulling open the door. ‘I’m so sorry I couldn’t make it.’
Hazel stepped inside. ‘We understand. Have you got a minute?’
Uh oh. That didn't sound good. ‘Sure!’ I said with an over-the-top smile, then led her to my office. ‘What’s up?’
Hazel looked awkward, like she didn’t want to say whatever it was that had brought her here. ‘Well …’ she started, and I got the horrible feeling she was about to kick me out of the squad.
‘I’m really sorry I’ve been such a shitty crewmate recently,’ I said. ‘I’ve had a lot going on with this place, and Andr-ew …’ My voice cracked on his name, and Hazel’s features crumpled. She pulled me in for a hug.
‘I’m here to see if you’re okay,’ she said softly, stroking my back. ‘Ever since the regatta, you’ve seemed distant.’
I nodded, then pulled back. ‘I’ve just got a lot on, and Andrew and I had a … fight. I haven’t seen him since the regatta.’
Hazel perched on the edge of the desk. ‘Want to talk about it?’
I tipped my head, resigned to my fate. ‘I don’t think there’s much to talk about. I think it’s over.’
Hazel blanched. ‘No,’ she breathed. ‘I can’t believe … The way he looks at you … and it’s so new!’ She paused, collecting her thoughts. ‘Do you want it to be over?’
I kept imagining all the ways that morning in the tent could have gone differently. What if I’d moved away and not woken him? What if I’d rolled over and kissed him? I didn’t want to fake date Andrew, I wanted to real date him, I knew that for certain now. Preferably forever, complete with little Andrew shaped babies and— Oh Lord, g et a grip, Miri!
‘No,’ I told Hazel, shaking my head as the word burst free, ‘I don’t want it to be over, but it’s not that simple.’ A tug of regret pulled at my heart because I so wanted to tell her the truth, but Andrew and I had agreed to keep the fake part of our relationship between us. At least if it did end, I wouldn’t have to lie to my crew any longer. And what was I expecting, anyway? It was fake . It was always going to end, so better now than later, when Andrew found the woman of his dreams and cut me loose.
A knock came from the door, and one of the servers poked her head in. ‘There’s a man here to see you.’
‘Thanks,’ I said reflexively, not really taking in her words until she stepped aside and revealed the tall, blond-haired man of my dreams.
‘Hey Hazel,’ Andrew said evenly, his eyes flitting over her, then finding me.
Hazel jumped hastily to her feet. ‘I was just leaving. You know where I am if you need me, M.’
I nodded but barely noticed as she left and pulled the door closed behind her, unable to look away from Andrew’s sea green eyes.
‘Are you okay?’ he said, taking another step into the room.
I folded my arms across my chest, needing a physical barrier between us, needing to protect myself. ‘I’m fine.’
‘You weren’t at training.’
‘I’m fine,’ I repeated, a cool edge to my tone because of course I wasn’t fine! He’d run from me, then ghosted me all week. ‘One of my servers called in sick.’
‘Oh,’ he said, finally turning his intense gaze away.
Silence descended, and I squeezed my arms so hard I left finger marks. ‘Why are you here, Andrew?’
He turned wary under my harsh scrutiny, becoming guarded, his eyes boring into me as though trying to read the truths etched into my soul. ‘I came to make sure you didn’t need anything,’ he said quietly, ‘and to apologize for … in the tent … I really didn’t mean for that to happen.’ He looked positively ashamed, a slight flush staining the tops of his cheeks, but he didn’t look away.
‘You were asleep,’ I said, my tone cutting. ‘Of course you didn’t mean for it to happen.’
He hesitated, his mouth opening then closing, then his forehead pursed a little as turmoil appeared in his eyes. ‘But I don’t want you to think—’
‘I get it, it’s fine ,’ I snapped. ‘This is fake. You didn’t want to touch me like that, and you’ve been feeling bad about it all week. Honestly, don’t worry about it. In fact, we should probably just call it a day; it’s too messy, anyway.’
He went very still, looking like I’d slapped him. ‘You want to … break up?’
I froze. ‘Don’t you?’ My heart thundered as I waited, searching his face for some clue about what he truly wanted.
‘I …’ He seemed to be searching for something, inspiration, maybe. ‘I … What about Theo?’
Fuck Theo! How could he care about Theo when it was just him and I in the room? I retreated into myself and built a brick wall in front of me, stuffing any feelings I had towards him in a bomb-proof chest and throwing away the key. He didn’t see me like I saw him. He saw me as a friend, nothing more.
‘He’s already been sniffing around, so mission accomplished,’ I said, throwing projectiles from the safety of my freshly minted battlements, refusing to let him see any glimmer of what really lay inside. Andrew’s jaw worked, and I was delighted to have successfully hit my target, not really sure why I wanted to hurt him, but knowing it was safer than lowering the drawbridge and risking rejection another time.
‘Oh. Right. That’s …’
I could feel him withdrawing, closing down just as I had, and I knew any second he would leave. But I wasn’t done. I couldn’t bear the thought of this conversation being over … of us being over. ‘Why are you even doing this?’ I demanded, lifting my hands in frustrated question. ‘What’s in it for you?’
He exhaled a long breath, then swallowed hard. ‘I enjoy spending time with you, Miri. We’ve been friends for a long time, and …’ He trailed off when he saw the scowl that had taken my face hostage because I didn’t believe a single one of his bland words.
I leaned against my desk and refolded my arms. ‘That’s not enough.’
He looked away and gave a slow, pensive nod, agonizing beats of silence stretching between us. When he turned back, there seemed to be some new determination in the set of his shoulders. ‘I came to ask a favor.’
Our eyes locked in an intense, captivating hold. ‘What is it?’ I breathed, desperate to know.
‘The work party I told you about.’
I frowned, not catching his meaning. ‘The one your sister loves?’
‘I was hoping you’d come with me.’
Holy … ‘As your girlfriend?’
‘As my girlfriend,’ he confirmed in a husky tone, watching me closely.
The idea of turning up at his work party, talking to his sister, and meeting his colleagues was all utterly terrifying, and yet an electric thrill of excitement ran through me, too. What would it be like, being on his arm, in his world, away from the safety of the rowing club? How did his colleagues see him? Would he kiss me in front of them? Hold my hand? Wrap his arm around me?
But it would still be fake … Oh, God, I should tell him I don’t like Theo . The thought repeated over and over in my mind. I should be honest. I should—
He ran a hand across his stubble-covered jaw. ‘Please.’
The word tugged at my heartstrings, melting my fragile resolve. ‘Why?’ I whispered.
He said nothing for a beat, just stared at me in a way that made my breath catch. ‘It would mean a lot to me, Miri.’
Something about the way he said my name pulled my belly tight every single time. Perhaps the deep timbre of his voice or the way his eyes seemed to darken or because whenever he said it, it was easy to imagine he was really mine.
I studied him for a moment, then nodded once, and he sagged a little, seemingly in relief, his shoulders falling, his head tipping back, and later that night, while the moment replayed for the umpteenth time in my mind, I still couldn’t help but wonder why on Earth he wanted me there at all.