9. Chapter 9
Chapter 9
I spent the following week feeling sorry for myself. I hadn’t had many break-ups in my life, but of the few I’d gone through, none had felt anything like this. This made all of them look like a walk in the park, which was telling, wasn’t it? I cried a lot, trained a lot, and slept and ate little. I also brainstormed endless ways to get myself out of my life rut because it was something I really had to figure out, and it helped to fill my mind with things that weren’t Andrew.
I didn’t see Andrew for the entire week, and he’d given up texting when I hadn’t replied to his first three messages. But what could I say? They’d all asked me if I was alright, and I certainly wasn’t that. I’d hoped to see him at the regatta the next weekend, just to lay eyes on him, to see if he’d been affected like I had … a ridiculous thing to wish for, I knew, but it didn’t stop my stupid heart from hoping anyway. And then Livia had reminded me the men’s crew were racing elsewhere, and my stomach had sunk and filled with relief at the same time, the sensation so odd it had made me nauseous.
I was such an idiot. Andrew had made it clear our relationship was fake, yet I’d jumped in with both feet anyway, somehow surprised to find the water too deep, too fast flowing. So now I was clawing my way back to the safety of the shallows before I drowned, and even though it hurt, I knew it was the right thing to do. Andrew would find some high-flying business mogul to marry, and I would … well, anyway. I had enough to occupy my mind with work and training and my friends.
But as I sat on the start line of our race that weekend, the sky overcast and grey, the air damp and heavy, raindrops surely only moments away, it wasn’t our rival crew that had my stomach tied in knots, but thoughts of Andrew, his eyes, his hands, his throat … He’d almost looked disappointed when I’d called off the fake dating, hadn’t he? Wishful thinking, no doubt. Urgh , why did I keep doing this to myself? If he wanted to date me, he’d just ask me out. But he didn’t want that. He’d rejected me many times. For fuck’s sake, Miri, get a grip!
‘Attention!’ the umpire called, and I inhaled, the earthy scent of riverbank filling my nose as the familiar flood of adrenaline poured through my veins. But as it did, an unwelcome thought speared its way into my mind. Theo’s words: Andrew is a liar. Was Andrew’s company what he’d meant? And If so, how had Theo known when no one else had? But then the umpire yelled, ‘GO!’ and everything but our starting sequence was forced from my mind.
‘Miri … everything alright?’ said Livia, snapping me out of my thoughts. We were on the pontoon after a training session, and the others were waiting for me to pay attention so we could lift the boat out of the water.
‘Yes, sorry, not getting much sleep.’
‘Why?’ asked Ottie.
I searched around for a reason that didn’t involve spilling my guts about Andrew. ‘My family are having a reunion this weekend? It’s all a big drama, and as usual I’m going to turn up alone, and I don’t know if my aunt will be there—she’s the only sane member of my family.’ The guilt of having to miss another outing was making me ramble, so I clamped my mouth shut before I accidently said anything I'd regret. My crew knew things were tricky between Andrew and me, as I’d bitten their heads off, telling them I didn’t want to talk about him, and since then they’d let it lie, mostly …
‘This weekend?’ said Livia, a heated look turning her features fearsome. ‘ After training?’
‘Uh, no,’ I said, guilt and shame eating me alive. ‘I thought I’d mentioned it?’
‘Nope,’ said Livia, popping the p .
‘Sorry, guys, I …’
‘We’ll ask Belle to fill in,’ said Hazel, sending Livia a dark look. ‘You’ve got loads on your plate right now. We understand.’
‘I’m sorry, I know I’ve been terrible recently. Maybe I should take a step back?’ I said the words without really thinking, but to my surprise, I didn’t hate the idea.
‘No!’ said Hazel. ‘You’re the best we have. We can’t lose you!’
Livia didn’t look like she agreed, and Ottie was non-committal, and that, on top of everything else, had tears pooling in my eyes. I quickly blinked them away, and as soon as we’d put the boat back on its rack, I made an excuse to leave, barely looking where I was going in my haste to escape, which was how I ran headlong into a solid wall of muscle as I hurtled through the gate.
‘Shit, sorry,’ I breathed, then froze when I realized the sculpted torso my hands were pressed against belonged to Andrew. I screwed my hands into fists, not moving away, butterflies taking flight in my stomach, spreading out and brushing their wings against every nerve in my body.
For a second, we just stared at each other, tension I didn’t understand hovering in the air between us. ‘I … uh …’
‘I heard your conversation earlier,’ he said, his features carefully casual.
‘Oh?’ I said, trying to think which conversation he meant. Had I said anything about him? I didn’t think I had …
‘About your family’s reunion.’
‘Oh … right …’ My stomach sank. ‘You want to talk to me about missing training, too? As Club Captain?’
‘No! I want to come with you.' He paused, scrunching his forehead. 'I mean, you shouldn’t have to go alone.’
I laughed. Literally laughed in his face. ‘Very funny.’
I tried to push past him, but he reached out and touched my arm, stopping me in my tracks before snatching back his hand and looking mortified by what he’d done. ‘Sorry … I … But I’m not joking, Miri. I know your family can be hard to take, and you shouldn’t have to deal with that alone.’
I vehemently shook my head. ‘I don’t want to explain to my entire family how I’m so tragic I had to bring a friend. I couldn’t deal with their gleeful pity.’
‘Then we’ll tell them we’re together.’
‘After it went so well last time?’
‘It …’ He frowned as though he disagreed with something I’d said, but whatever it was, he didn’t voice it. ‘It’ll be a onetime thing.’
‘Andrew …’
‘Please,’ he said, putting his hands on my shoulders, then sliding them down to hold my upper arms, ‘let me do this for you.’
I knew I should say no, to keep him as far away from my trying family as was humanly possible, to spare him the burden, but I really didn’t want to go alone. And he did look like a demi-god. If I was going to turn up with anyone, he wasn’t a bad choice.
‘Why?’ I breathed, searching his eyes for answers. ‘Why subject yourself to the outer circles of hell?’ Why do we have to pretend at all?
He did nothing for a beat but look back into my eyes, indecision lurking in his irises.
Say it , I silently urged. Say whatever it is you’re holding back because this whole thing is killing me .
His thumbs swiped back and forth across my biceps. ‘I want to be there for you.’ A clear hedge.
‘Why?’ I pressed, needing answers. Needing something concrete and real, not half-truths and vagaries.
‘Because you deserve it.’
I tutted. ‘Andrew …’
He took my hands, and I didn’t fight him, happy to have his skin on mine, even though I knew it would just hurt even more when he let go. ‘I don’t have all the answers,’ he admitted, and then we just stood there, seconds ticking by, looking at each other. ‘Please let me do this for you.’
I inhaled deeply, trying to get my brain to think his offer through, to weigh it carefully, but all it would supply was a whirling nothingness. I gave a small nod, my thoughts too scrambled to take the sensible route.
He exhaled in a rush. ‘Okay, good. I’ll pick you up. Text me the details.’ And then he squeezed my fingers and quickly made for his truck as though not wanting to give me a chance to change my mind, my head spinning as fast as a senior crew late for the start line.
A cough sounded behind me, and when I looked over my shoulder, I found my whole crew watching. Fucking boat club .
Ottie stepped forward. ‘I thought you’d split up?’
‘We did,’ I snapped, wondering how much they’d heard.
Hazel scowled at the other two, warning them to be nice. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine,’ I snapped. ‘I have a shift.’
‘We’re heading there, too,’ said Hazel, ignoring my tone and falling in beside me, linking her arm through mine. She held on tight, giving me no chance of escape, but she didn’t probe further as we walked, the other two trailing us, discussing the kit order Livia—in her capacity as Women’s Captain—planned to place for the club in the next few days.
I zoned them out, my mind full, not of thoughts, exactly, but of a reeling sensation, and when I looked up what felt like seconds later we were already outside my café. How had we got there so quickly? We’d only just set out from the club …
‘I’m here if you need me,’ said Hazel, squeezing my arm, then stepping inside. She didn’t wait for an answer, which was good because I didn’t want to give one, but her words only added to the empty feeling in my chest.
As I climbed the stairs to my flat, needing to shower before work, a message appeared in our crew’s group chat. Belle could fill in for me on Saturday morning, thank goodness, meaning my crew would be able to train without me. A small weight lifted from my mind. At least there was that.