Chapter Two #2
I’d started tinkering in the garden when I was very young, maybe eight or nine.
A lady who’d lived next door to us at the time had given me some daffodil bulbs she’d had spare and told me, ‘If you plant them now you might even have flowers in July.’ I can still vividly remember planting those first bulbs and the sense of hope and promise I’d had.
I wondered what life would be like in three months when they came out.
Back then, three months felt like a lifetime away, a period in which anything could change.
Maybe Mum would stop crying so much. Maybe we’d all eat dinner together and Mum would read the books to us instead of me.
I let myself imagine that if I could transform the garden into an oasis, like the pretty gardens I’d seen on the telly, maybe everyone would be happier.
We’d run under sprinklers with Mum chasing us, laughing just like the kids in the Slip, Slop, Slap ads.
When winter came that first year, nothing much had changed.
But the daffodils came out, bright and strong and vibrant.
And while life in general didn’t look like it did on the TV, the flowers did make me happy.
Sometimes I’d bring them inside and put them in a vase on the table, hoping the powerful way they made me feel might spread to Mum.
I never turned our backyard into an oasis.
It was always still a small, scrubby backyard in Sydney suburbia with inadequate watering, poorly concealed piles of weeds that never went to the tip and a budget that didn’t allow me to buy any proper plants.
But a packet of seeds might grow a bed of pansies one year, or the wind might not blow over the sunflowers, and best of all, no matter how little time I had, the daffodil bulbs would always come up, year after year.
The flowers in the garden were one of the few things in my life that had consistently brought me happiness.
The lady next door had long since moved and I doubt she ever knew the magnitude of her gift to me.
‘Take a photo for me when they bloom, okay?’
‘Sure,’ Ebony said. ‘You’re such an old lady.’
The barking sound of Molly coughing in the background caught me in the gut. I wished I could see her and properly assess her croup. I wished I could make my own judgements on how Mum was going.
‘You know I can always be there in half a day, Eb. You tell me and I can come.’ My brain whirled with options.
With the events of the last few days, I wished more than ever I could just go home.
But I needed this six months at the Derwent Hospital for my training and pulling out now would be a huge step backwards, not to mention a massive scar on my resume.
‘How’s Felix?’
She was trying to shift the conversation, distract me from the guilt she knew I was feeling. Little did she know her question was like a punch to my bruised heart.
‘Uh, really good. Felix is great.’ I didn’t know when I’d have the appetite to tell Ebony about the latest developments in my romantic life, but it was certainly not now.
‘Are you okay? You sound really weird today.’
‘Sorry. I’m just …’ I searched for words. ‘Not sleeping well.’
‘You still don’t sleep well?’
‘You know me.’
‘Man. If I had a night without three children in my bed I would sleep like a fucking baby.’
I smiled. I loved my sister. I missed her.
‘Hey, when I come in August you can have the three kids in your bed because you don’t sleep anyway and I can have the best nights of my life, snoozing away.’
Her trip. Another complication I didn’t know how I was going to deal with. Another problem to address at a later time.
‘Mmm-hmm,’ was all I could say.
‘I can’t wait to see you,’ she went on. ‘Will you find some hot doctor for me to go on a date with?’
‘Sure.’
‘I think I’ve forgotten what sex is like. It’s good, isn’t it?’
‘It has its moments.’ All I could think about was the black lace G.
‘I think I’m so traumatised by the fact it always results in a child.’
That made me laugh, despite everything. ‘There’s this new medical development called contraception, Ebony. We can talk more about that in the future but I’d really encourage you to look into it.’
‘Ha, ha, ha,’ she laughed drily and I wished I could see her beautiful, deadpan face. It made my heart squeeze and my loneliness more acute.
‘I’m walking into the hospital now. It’ll be inappropriate for me to say words like “orgasm” and “erection” from now on.’
‘Whatever. You doctors are always talking about orgasms and erections. It’s the only plus side I can see to the whole medical thing.’
I chuckled.
‘It’s true,’ she continued, a smile in her voice. ‘When I went to my GP to talk about going on escitalopram for my grumpiness, the first thing she told me is it might be more difficult to climax. I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself.’
I sniggered again. ‘Did you start the escitalopram?’
‘Fuck, no. I have enough barriers to climax. If I actually end up getting laid I want to climax to Everest.’
‘Do you feel like you’re depressed?’ This deserved more time than I had right now, but I needed to check.
‘Nah. We came to the conclusion I’m just a normal single mother of three. I’ve been watching documentaries about really sad shit and that makes me feel better about how my life is going. And so far, I can still successfully climax with my vibrator so I think I’m in a good place.’
‘Oh, honey. That’s … What can I say? Good for you.’
‘Are you at work now? Can you please say “vibrator”?’
‘No.’
‘To make up for being so fucking far away?’
I was walking past triage and swiping into the department. It was true. There was basically nothing you could say in the emergency department that would cause anyone to turn their head.
‘Vibrator,’ I finally said.
‘I love you so much.’
‘I love you too. Call me if Molly’s worse, okay? Or anything. I’ll answer.’
‘One more time.’
‘What?’
‘Vibrator. Say it one more time.’
‘No.’
‘Please. This is the highlight of my day. After this it’s all toilet training and cleaning up snot.’
‘Fine.’ I pulled at the heavy entrance door and as it opened, I found myself face to face with the most intimidating man in the hospital, and the word was already out of my mouth. ‘Vibrator.’
‘You rock! Bye!’
I put my phone in my pocket and I wondered if there was any possible way Abel Sutherland hadn’t heard what I had just said.
The tiny lift of his eyebrow as he stared at me confirmed the worst.
I wanted to disappear so badly, but he was right in my way and his giant frame was blocking me from going through the doors.
‘Good morning,’ I stammered.
‘Afternoon,’ he corrected.
I nodded and made to move left, just as he did the same. Then we repeated the movement another three times. Until I committed and barged right ahead.
And walked straight into his chest.
‘Shit. I’m … sorry.’ I pressed my body to the doorframe and finally managed to slink past, wondering when it was my life had turned into this fucking shitshow.