Chapter Ten
It was almost as though the quietness woke me up. A gaping emptiness that the sound of traffic had always filled.
It took my brain about thirty seconds to catch up to where my body was and why my eyes opened to a timber-lined wall. Why I was sleeping on a single mattress whose plastic covering crinkled beneath me. Then, in a tangled rush, the events of the day before charged to the frontline of my brain.
The wilderness course.
Felix.
Climbing.
Abel.
Shit. I’d thrown my arms around him. I’d sat side by side on this bed with him. Grumpy, broody, dark Abel who hated everyone, especially me.
I’d clearly completely lost my bloody mind.
I almost didn’t want to look at the twin bed beside me for fear he’d be sitting there laughing at me or scowling at me – or both. Ready to practise his cannibal skills and eat me for breakfast.
Except he hadn’t been reading a book about cannibalism. He’d been reading Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.
I almost laughed. My brain was playing tricks on me. There was no possible way I had fallen asleep to Abel Sutherland reading me Captain Corelli’s Mandolin. It must have been a dream – admittedly, a very vivid dream. I’d even dreamed up the characters. A doctor. An elderly couple. Greece.
As though trying to make sense of my strange surrounds and recollections, I turned to the twin bed beside me.
It was empty. Maybe Abel had been so disgusted by the fact that I had crashed his cabin he’d slept elsewhere.
I checked the time on my phone. Shit. It was 7:48 a.m. How had I slept in till 7:48 a.m.? How had I slept, full stop?
I threw the covers off and grabbed my towel and clothes and almost ran through the door towards the bathroom. I was a mess. I was going to be late for the eight o’clock start. How the hell had I let this happen? I was never late.
Then, because I was living in a complete shitshow, I ran straight through the door into something solid. Something solid that turned out to be Abel.
‘Ow.’
‘Sorry.’
‘You ran into me.’
‘I’m late. I need to shower.’
I tried to move past him, suddenly very conscious that I was in my pyjamas and my breath probably smelt like old socks, not to mention my hair, which was tussled like a big blonde bird’s nest.
‘Your hair looks nice.’ Now he was mocking me. Arsehole. And he wasn’t moving out of my way. It was bringing up recollections of the vibrator moment, which I really would have preferred never to think about again.
‘Could you—?’ The doorway had seemed like a normal size. Why did his body completely obstruct it?
And there he was, just scowling at me. Or silently laughing at me.
Shit.
‘Excuse me!’ He literally was not moving, so I had to squeeze past him, such that we were chest to chest for a second.
Of course I chose to inhale at that precise moment and give myself a whole lungful of him: musty, manly, with a hint of lingering deodorant that was probably branded something like Gigantic Sex Appeal.
His lungs seemed to expand too, because his chest grew in diameter and the experience was all extremely disorientating for a moment.
I showered in record time – a token effort to control my hair and wake me up. And when I crept back to the room, I took utmost care to ensure I wouldn’t crash into anyone. Mercifully, the room was empty.
There was a sheet of paper on my unmade bed and I snorted when I saw the title: Schedule. He’d written down the schedule for me. Because I clearly couldn’t get my own shit together.
Today’s activity was titled ‘River Rescue’ and it started in seven minutes.
I pulled a brush through my hair and threw on a jacket and my runners. I grabbed an apple from the dining room fruit basket and was in the tutorial room with three minutes to spare.
Abel was writing names on the whiteboard under three headings: River Team, Valley Team, Mountain Team. My heart was already sinking. Why had I ever thought coming on a wilderness course was a good idea?
‘What can I do?’
He turned and frowned at me. Grumpy man was back, apparently. ‘I liked the hair better before.’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Can I help?’
‘Have you eaten?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘That wasn’t my question. Have you eaten?’
‘I’ve got an apple.’
‘Have breakfast. Everyone will be late anyway. Here.’ He handed me a sheet of paper. ‘Familiarise yourself with the scenarios while you eat. The last thing we need is an actual hypoglycaemic event while we’re on the river.’
I started to feel slightly nauseous. I didn’t like the sound of being ‘on the river’. But I took the paper and did as I was told.
Felix was in the dining room, sitting next to the same girl he’d been flirting with last night, whose name I believed was Morgan.
He too was supposed to be working, but he seemed in no apparent rush, content to hang out with the course attendees rather than bother himself with trying to help.
His eyes met mine. His gaze was searching and I found myself being drawn into it.
Something in my belly turned traitorously.
I was so angry with him, but not far beneath that was my longing for closeness.
My life had always been so tightly guarded, and Felix had been the only person I’d ever really allowed in.
I could see he was damaging, I knew he was someone I shouldn’t succumb to and needed to put behind me forever, yet he still tugged at me in some impossible way.
Maybe he was right – maybe I was pathetic, boring, unloveable.
Maybe, in leaving him, I was throwing away my only chance at a relationship.
Morgan turned and said something to him and his eyes lingered just a tiny second longer on me before he looked at her. The sickly sensation rose in my throat.
What was I thinking? I couldn’t keep someone like that in my life. Maybe I would be single forever. Surely, though, that was better than being with someone like Felix?
I quickly ate a bowl of muesli and left the dining room. Witnessing someone else fall for Felix’s charm was a sight best avoided.
On my way back to the tutorial room, I passed Abel carrying a crate.
‘Please,’ I said. ‘Let me do something.’
I waited for some manly statement about how heavy the crate was for a mere girl like me, but he stopped and handed it to me. ‘All good?’
It was heavy, but it was manageable, and I was grateful he hadn’t made me feel useless. ‘Yep.’
‘The bus is open. There’s a couple more.’ He turned and disappeared down the corridor, all unreadable and business-like.
I almost snorted at the notion of him reading to me the night before. How ridiculous, to even dream something like that.
On the second load we passed again and I tried to look natural. Do we make eye contact? Or not? I seemed to have forgotten the norms of social conduct. Whatever grasp I’d ever had on such norms.
I found myself remembering the photos from last night. Surely I hadn’t dreamed that up? And the girl – Tessie.
Finally, we were all loaded and Abel instructed me to collect the group and explain the teams. I was relieved to have something to focus on and took comfort in the sense of direction, even if I did have a deep feeling of dread about the activities ahead of us that day.
I’d crammed in as much pre-reading as possible after Cleo and I had made the deal to swap, so I knew in theory what we needed to do, but to actually help run a course like this still felt like a huge stretch.
As everyone stood around the bus in a circle, hugging their chests against the cold, I did my best to outline the day ahead while Abel got the engine warmed up.
‘There will be four scenarios through the day and four people on each team.’ I went on to explain the roles and general parameters of the exercises we would be doing, and answered questions. ‘If you feel out of your depth, that’s okay. It’s what we’re here for,’ I said, wrapping up.
I heard the distinct sound of Felix sniggering and I did my best not to glare at him. He knew I was way out of my comfort zone in the bush, but I didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of enjoying that.
‘Don’t forget that safety is a priority.
We’ll be genuinely in areas of risk – cold water, slippery rocks.
We know the procedure: Danger, Response, Send for help, ABCDE.
But on this course, we’ll actually need to stop and properly consider the danger before moving on because the danger is quite real.
’ I felt like a complete fraud, trying to do this briefing.
Sounding as though I knew what I was talking about.
I was shit-scared and ill-prepared and doubted I’d be able to do anything at all beyond assessing the danger and freaking the fuck out.
And now Abel had stepped out of the bus and was listening to me.
I tried to be professional and not lose my thread.
‘Most of us are not familiar with managing medical emer-gencies in this setting – i.e. me. It can be disorientating and chaotic. But if we’re systematic, apparently—’ I shot a look at Abel, ‘—things can work out, even in the wilds.’
There was a ripple of laughter in the group and Abel smiled. I waited for him to take over, but he didn’t.
‘Nice work there, doctor,’ Abel muttered as he turned the ignition in the seat beside me.
‘Ha, ha,’ I deadpanned. ‘I am about as qualified for helping with this course as a frightened rabbit. You can laugh at me properly if you want to.’
‘Nothing to laugh at. You’re right. Be systematic and you’ll succeed. Even in the wilds.’ He was laughing at me. ‘Don’t worry, all you have to do for the day is pretend to have various medical ailments and get rescued. You can be a frightened rabbit to your heart’s content.’
‘Amazing.’ Today was going to be a new low in my life experiences.
‘Lucky you’re all read up on ketoacidosis.’
‘Yeah. I can give you some really high quality Kussmaul breathing.’
He smiled, eyes flicking in the rear-vision mirror before he muttered, ‘I only need to watch Felix in action to start panting myself. He’s really got the sexual vibes happening back there, hasn’t he? Drool-worthy.’
‘Unbelievable.’
‘Unbelievable.’
I felt sick with embarrassment that this was my ex-boyfriend. That he had been the height of my romantic life so far. I wondered what that said about me.
‘How the fuck did you put up with him?’
I groaned. ‘As you’ve discovered, I’m a very lowly person with lowly tastes.’
He turned and met my eye for a second before returning his gaze to the road. I didn’t know what to make of his expression. Disapproving? Pitying?
‘I am concerned about your lowly tastes in literature,’ he said, frowning at the road. He was so frowny.
‘Excuse me?’ The yellowed pages of his novel flashed in my brain. Weirdly vividly.
‘I can’t believe you fell asleep to Captain Corelli’s Mandolin.’ He sounded deeply displeased.
I gaped at him. There was no possible way this was real.
‘You didn’t even laugh at the bit about the pea.’
‘The bit about the pea?’ I didn’t know what else to say. This was incomprehensible.
‘Don’t you remember the bit about the pea?’ His voice was pained.
‘Uh … someone ate it?’ Seemed like what might happen to a pea?
‘Oh, Mary.’ He shook his head. ‘So disappointing.’
Had Abel truly read to me last night? Had I actually fallen asleep with Abel reading to me last night?
‘I was—’
‘Snoring by the end of chapter one.’
‘No!’ I was not a snorer.
‘Okay. Purring. You’re more of a purrer. Purring by the end of chapter one.’
‘This is so embarrassing.’ I was face-palming. Shrivelling up.
‘You did seem very … relaxed.’ He shot me an amused little smile and mimicked a soft purring noise.
I gave his shoulder a nudge, as hard as I was game to, given he was driving us through deadly, winding roads.
I did remember it now. Too real to feel like a dream. And I had felt relaxed. Unbelievably so.
‘I was very tired,’ I tried to explain. Which was true. My sleep debt had possibly never been so dense. Yet to fall asleep while a grumpy man I barely knew read to me on a wilderness course?
Inconceivable.
What was wrong with me? I was a guarded control freak, a chronic insomniac. How had I possibly let this happen?
‘It’s okay.’ He patted my leg with mock affection. ‘We can recap on the pea tonight. It’s too good to miss.’
I assumed he was being sarcastic. This whole thing was staggeringly unbelievable.
‘So.’ His tone brightened. ‘How are your acting skills?’