Chapter Twenty-one
Life at Abel’s home was easy. Study was easy. Walking to work was easy. Running along the foreshore track to the Sandy Bay beaches was easy. Sleeping was easy.
Imagining letting myself fall for Abel – easy.
I couldn’t ignore the way his presence wrapped around me. He was everywhere in the smells, in the book I read each night, in the choice of condiments I ate with my dinner. In Kate Winslet.
I really did fall for Kate Winslet. She was vividly ginger, shiny and full of attitude.
Her eyes were bright green and she’d appear unexpectedly to charge me with the intensity of her gaze, her paws crossed over one another as she lay on the back of the couch.
She was self-sufficient but affectionate and if I sat in Abel’s armchair in the evenings, I learnt that she would leap onto my lap and curl herself up in a languid loop and purr softly as I petted her. She was the perfect company.
The gardens made my fingers itch. They were so obviously in need of care, it was like someone was teasing me, tantalising me, saying, ‘Mary, you could live here, you could make this beautiful.’ I had to physically remind myself that I was here for a short time and I had no place mucking about in the garden.
The weeds would stay weeds. The roses would stay unpruned.
Nevertheless, I found myself wandering through the backyard’s overgrown paths with my cup of tea in the gentle first light of day and letting myself imagine …
All in all, the time was extremely nourishing and as Sunday approached, I found myself dreading the fact that I’d be going back to Vivian’s.
I also felt a rising anticipation, knowing Abel was returning and that, realistically, even when I went back to Vivian’s, we’d probably cross paths again.
Things felt extremely charged between us in a way I had no idea how to handle.
Of course I was interested from a sexual perspective, but the danger of how complicated it could get for me was too much to ignore.
And regardless of my attraction to Abel, it was way too soon for me to consider relationships again.
This was the longest I’d spent apart from Felix in the last six years and I could already feel it was doing me good.
My strength was growing, my confidence was growing, but to re-establish my trust in myself and my choice in men would need time and patience.
The last thing I should do right now was make some impulsive, sexually driven decision that would leave me once again rejected, once again scrambling for self-worth.
The night before Abel was due back, I was lying in his bed for what I supposed would be the last time, when my phone sounded with a new message. I knew it would be him and my stomach clenched as I read the words.
Abel: Will you be there when I get back tomorrow?
He was probably just asking to organise the key. But something in me knew it wasn’t a question about logistics.
Me: Do you need a lift?
That seemed like the thing to offer. Not that I had a vehicle with which to pick him up. And he probably had his car at the airport.
Abel: I have my car at the airport.
Abel: But thanks.
Time stretched and my heart started to hammer. I might have all the level-headed plans in the world, but if I were to find myself alone with him again, could I maintain my discipline?
Abel: Will you be there?
I took a deep breath. This thing between us was beginning to feel like an eventuality that I couldn’t change. Like it was a cosmic plan. A pre-determined outcome that we were just slowly barrelling our way towards with no power to stop it.
Me: What time do you get in?
Abel: 9 p.m.
Abel: Before you say something politely avoidant, I know you’ll be up.
Abel: And before you say something else politely avoidant, like you don’t want to get in my way – I want you to be there.
I just stared at the screen. My mind blank.
Abel: But of course it’s up to you.
Cautious Mary would have said something politely avoidant anyway. But Cautious Mary was getting squashed by something else: Impulsive Mary, Crazy Mary, Brave Mary? No. Fucking Stupid Mary. Whoever she was, that Mary wanted to be there when Abel got home.
Me: I’ll see you then.
I turned off my phone before I could think about it anymore.
Nothing was going to happen. Having freshly smooth and hairless skin was just something I liked anyway, and the fact that I’d chosen my favourite set of emerald green lace bra and knickers was little more than a coincidence – I always wore nice underwear.
At 9:45 p.m., when the doorbell rang, the fire was going and the house was warm. It could only have been Abel – but why ring the doorbell?
I felt strangely nervous as I swung the door open, and perhaps it was the movement of the door itself that seemed to suck the air from my lungs, rather than the sight of Abel leaning against the doorframe, a lazy half-smile melting me in a way I’d almost forgotten it did.
‘You rang the doorbell,’ was all I could say.
He didn’t speak, but his smile seemed to change into something more serious that had my insides turning warm and liquified.
I felt his eyes travel down my body but it happened so fast I might have imagined it.
The last time I’d seen him was on the futon at Vivian’s and the weight of all that sexual tension still hung in the air, somehow even denser with the passage of time.
I wondered if he was comparing that moment to now, and maybe seeing me again in the flesh was a let-down. There was nothing remotely close to a let-down in how my body responded to the sight of him. I could feel myself turning hot already. My breath quickening. My heart pounding.
Abel seemed to be holding himself very tightly. He nodded to himself a few times, arms still crossed over his chest. A swallow. A bob of his Adam’s apple.
‘It’s good to see you,’ he said eventually.
Neither of us had moved. As though we were afraid to unleash something if we made any physical contact – at least that’s how I was feeling. Maybe he was appalled by the sight of me, by how carried away we’d gotten last time, and was now realising his big mistake.
I was starting to feel overwhelmed, and knew I was close to doing something ridiculous like offering a handshake again. Instead, I turned to walk down the hall. ‘Come on in then.’
He followed me and I sat on a stool at the kitchen bench while he settled into his space. Now the scene was complete. His skin looked like he’d just walked out of the mountains – fresh, sun-kissed, alight.
‘Tea?’ he asked.
‘Sure. Peppermint please.’
The sound of the kettle filled the space and I was relieved by the noise.
I was starting to think this was a terrible, terrible idea. Why hadn’t I just gone back to the ‘Granny Flat’ before he got back like I’d intended to?
‘How was your trip?’ I asked, scrambling for conversation.
‘Good. Had other things on my mind, but the climbing was great.’
‘Thanks for letting me stay. It’s a dream. Totally saved my sanity this week.’
‘I’m glad.’ He had his back to me but I could hear the smile in his voice.
I watched him move around the kitchen, completely unreadable. I’d felt so close to him after the course and now he was back to Indecipherable Abel.
‘Why don’t you stay?’ he said after a moment, eyes on the cups as he stirred the tea with a spoon.
I snorted. ‘I don’t think that’s a very good idea. And share your bed, I suppose?’
He looked taken back. ‘Well, I wasn’t going to be as forward as that. I was more suggesting you continue sleeping in the spare room.’
‘There’s a spare room?’ I asked before thinking. Oh my God! There was a spare room?
He looked up and his eyes met mine with a frown. ‘Where have you been sleeping since you’ve been here?’
I flushed. I was emanating heat. I was a heater. ‘Um …’
His face wore the hint of a smile, but something more searing was in his eyes. Not anger, but something warm and slightly intense. ‘Did you sleep in my bed?’
‘You didn’t say there was a spare room!’ I threw my palms up. This was mortifying. ‘Where? Where is this spare room?’
He smiled properly then. ‘Top of the stairs. That’s … cute.’ Was he blushing? He poured the milk into his cup. ‘Did you find clean sheets?’
There was no room for my face to colour any more. I was maxed out. ‘Um …’
His eyebrows jerked up for a moment. A tease. That was the Abel I remembered. But then he was gone again.
‘I hope you slept well.’
He pushed my cup towards me and I lowered my gaze to it, wondering if I could dive right inside it, drown in tea. ‘I did, thanks.’
As if rescuing me from the situation, Kate Winslet entered the room and leapt onto my lap.
‘Where’s my hello?’ Abel came around to pet her where she lay, but the cat just glared at him. He put a wounded hand on his heart. ‘Ouch.’ He leant against the counter, right beside me now. ‘You guys bonded, I see.’
I stroked the cat’s fur and she arched into my hand. ‘Mmm-hmm.’
‘I think she wants you to stay.’
‘You’ve been very kind. And I really appreciate it. But don’t worry, I’ll get out of your hair now.’
We both petted her, our fingers not touching, both of our eyes focused on the fur. I could feel the heat radiating from him.
‘See? I knew you’d come up with politely avoidant things like that.’
‘You think I’m avoidant?’ I looked up at him, but he kept on watching the cat, his fingers sinking into her.
‘I think you don’t let people help you much.’
‘Are you kidding? You’ve done nothing but help me since I met you.’ He was being the avoidant one, if anyone was going to get called out. He was hardly looking at me.
As if reading my thoughts, he met my eye and I had to look away.
‘Anyway. I just wanted to say hello and thanks for letting me stay here. I’ll get myself packed up now.’
His fingers moved to meet mine and I felt my stomach still.
‘I can’t let you go back to that place, Mary. It’s practically a health hazard. Honestly, I’ll be away again soon. This place is empty most of the time. It’d help me out if you stayed.’
‘Why don’t you have a housemate already, then? If you’re so keen to have someone in your spare room?’
He shrugged. ‘Most people are annoying. I like my own space. But you’re … nice company.’
‘Nice?’
‘Very nice.’
A beat. A quirk of an eyebrow.
‘And tidy.’ He gestured around the room.
‘It was already very tidy, Abel.’
‘Well. It’s even tidier now.’
He was like a magnetic field, drawing me in, my rational brain left behind. And ridiculously, I entertained the fanciful notion of staying here. This quiet, peaceful, clean home.
He was looking at me and I let myself look back, almost drowning in the inky black and the emerald green. I forgot what we were even talking about. Then something in his features seemed to change, as though he was pulling himself together, and he moved his fingers away from mine.
‘I wanted to see you tonight, to apologise for— Look, obviously you’re sensational. I mean …’ He swallowed and gestured to me, then gave a strangled sort of laugh. ‘But I know you’ve got a lot going on. Your exam. Felix. Your family. I don’t want to complicate anything for you.’
I felt the knock right in my chest. The gentle blow off. I felt awful for him that he needed to do this. That I’d put him in such an uncomfortable position.
‘I’m sorry, Abel. I never meant for anything …’ My voice trailed off. ‘And as you know, I should really be focusing on my exam.’
He flinched and shook his head. ‘That’s— yes.
Of course you should.’ He rubbed his neck, gaze on the floor.
‘Basically, I think you’re great, Mary. Like, really …
anyway. But aside from that, I want to see you do well.
To pass your exam. To learn to love Hobart without the suffocation of that arsehole Felix.
’ His eyes met mine and I was shocked to see the naked affection in them.
‘And I think a part of me also wants to witness it. I know you can thrive. And I want to see you do so.’
My mind spun. What he was saying was beautifully kind and I had no idea how to respond.
He gave a shrug. ‘No pressure. But think about it, hey?’
I just stared at him for a moment longer, searching for some clue, some catch. ‘Why are you so nice?’
He gave a snort. ‘I think we’ve established this isn’t about me being “nice”. But I’ll try to be on my best behaviour.’
I didn’t know what that meant. But my heart was swelling at this deeply moving and incomprehensible kindness.
‘I honestly think that’s the loveliest thing anyone has ever said to me.’
He shrugged. ‘Well. Maybe you deserve lovely things.’