Chapter 40Cade
Cade
The swing of the glass door has me looking up from the bar counter. Even though I expected her, I wasn’t prepared for the tinge of pain in my gut when Jenna crosses the threshold.
I remember her long, straight hair and the way she dons a tight-lipped smile when she’s nervous.
Just like the way she is now as she pads along the polished concrete.
But despite every physical detail I recall instantly, I can’t quite place the person she is anymore.
As if a stranger has just walked through the glass doors of my brewery.
Sure, she’s still pretty, but there’s something that once laid beneath the surface that’s no longer hiding anymore. I’m able to see all of her in her truest form, her betrayal now the first layer that greets me.
She’s not the woman I once knew, nor the woman I want her to be. In fact, her entrance is pitiful compared to Olivia’s.
Olivia.
She’s the only reason I eventually decided to take up Jenna’s offer to talk. My life can only start with Olivia if my slate is clean. None of these random messages popping up on my phone, giving either her or Jenna a false idea of where my heart is.
But I wasn’t agreeing to this without boundaries. I would’ve laughed in Jenna’s face if she expected me to travel to her, and even more so if she thought we would discuss things at my house. Jenna’s been calling the shots for so long, even without my consent, so I’m owed to call this one.
“How’s work been?” she asks, traveling to the bar top.
My palms curl around the edge of the glossy counter. “Busy,” I say. “It’s good financially. Not so much for my sanity some days.”
She struggles through a swallow, nodding as she steers her head to the side. Her hands meet at her stomach, fingers fiddling as she glues her gaze to the rear hallway.
“I’m not going to cut your head off, Jenna.”
With her eyes still averted, she inhales before she whispers, “Oh god.” My stare wanders over her when she drops her head, her arms crossing in her pink, long-sleeved shirt. “I don’t really know where to start.”
A few months ago, I would’ve felt my insides coil with hers. Her pain was always my pain, our feelings always falling in step with one another. But as I look at her now, we’re the opposite sides of a coin.
My fingers press into the white rag between the counter and my palm, proceeding to wipe the surface.
Her head lifts in my periphery, but I continue my task as she speaks.
“I know ‘sorry’ doesn’t suffice. I know when people say the very thing I’m about to say, it sounds disingenuous.
But the truth is, I never wanted to hurt you, Cade. You have to believe that.”
I lift my chin, pinning my gaze to the strain in her blue eyes. “You’re right. It does sound disingenuous. In the back of your mind, you always knew the destruction you’d cause, Jenna, but it didn’t matter to you.”
“It did matter,” she asserts.
“It didn’t matter enough,” I dismiss.
She licks her lips as she shies her eyes away, fingers lifting to flick a few stray strands from her eye.
“It felt like something was missing. I don’t know,” she breathes, her voice croaking on the last couple words.
“Maybe I was too allured by the new working environment. Maybe I just don’t understand myself very well or what I want. ”
I ingest a breath, wiping a hand down my mouth to gather myself.
“I never wanted to believe it, you know?” My response finally pulls her attention in my direction.
“I was onto you for a while after our relationship started to hit a rut, and even after small pieces of validation, I still couldn’t pull the plug on us.
Maybe because I wanted to be completely sure, or maybe because I was in denial.
” I plant a palm on my chest, leaning my head forward as my voice lowers.
“That’s how in love with you I was. Deep in my heart, I knew you were being unfaithful, Jenna.
I knew you like the back of my damn hand.
I knew it. But my heart just couldn’t let go of you. ”
Her face twists with discomfort, chin dipping as she fidgets with her hands at her waist. “I’m still in love with you,” she squeaks between sniffles. “It was so incredibly stupid. I made the biggest mistake of my life.”
I swallow as I watch Jenna crumble under the amber lighting of the brewery. Her glazed eyes never produce actual tears, but they’re stabbing at her lenses as her chest pumps through jagged breaths.
The longer I look at her under this dim spotlight, the more I realize just how dull our love was, and that she’s not the woman for me.
Ever since we broke up, I wondered what I would do if Jenna came crawling back.
Would I sweep her up and take us back to live our lives together? Or would I reject her in pure anger?
But it’s neither of those things that I desire.
Because there isn’t a part of my heart that Jenna owns anymore. She doesn’t yank any passion out of me the way someone else does.
Olivia is the reason Jenna isn’t the one for me. Jenna may have fit in and complemented my life, but Olivia shaped it.
She knew my worth before I did and sailed it back to me on those damn wings. Someone who leaps at the chance to challenge me, consequences be damned. Someone who rescued me from a life of mediocrity, which is the life I would live if I forgave Jenna.
I used to crave an answer from Jenna, but her reaction tells me everything I need to know.
If Jenna had pointed out exactly what I did to turn her head, I could consider that she truly regrets sleeping with someone else.
But her cliché response tells me she cares more about seeking my forgiveness than owning her fault.
She wants to erase her guilty conscience, and as much as I used to want her to feel every scrap of remorse her actions could leave her with, I just don’t care anymore.
I don’t care.
It’s fucking liberating.
“There’s nothing to cry about, Jenna,” I say softly.
“How can you say that?” She returns her eyes to me, arms timidly crossed over her chest, her cheeks flushed.
“Because I wasn’t the person for you.”
“That’s not true,” she whispers.
“Yes, it is,” I answer. “Because if I was, we wouldn’t be standing here having this discussion.”
Her lips fold as she pivots to the side. “Have you met someone?”
I nod, eyes cemented to her side profile. “Yes.”
A tautness reaches her face. “So, that’s why you’re being so cold.”
Now, there’s a lot, and I mean a lot , I could say over this ridiculously hypocritical and inaccurate statement. Only, there’s nothing left to banter about. There’s nothing left for us to bounce back from.
Those days are tucked away for good.
Jenna battles a gulp, closing the couple inches to the bar top. “Do you still think about me at least?” she whispers. “Don’t you still think about how good things used to be between us?”
I inhale sharply when the pads of her fingers graze my hand, the familiarity stunning me in place. My eyes bolt to the glossy wood of the counter, my rationale diminishing as her thumb strokes my skin.
I’ve longed for affection like this the last leg of our relationship, yearning for just one more piece of it before we hammered the nail in the coffin. That one sliver of warmth that might save us from the brutality of it all.
“Hey,” she hushes.
I jolt when her palms cradle the sides of my face. “Don’t.”
My jaw sets as my head turns in her grip, but I don’t drive the motion with enough force. She leans in, my vision falling static as her head draws closer, and I’m fucking gravitating toward her.
Her jasmine scent funnels straight to my lungs, my brain muddling with the aroma.
No.
No, don’t get it twisted.
That’s not the air you want.
“We can get through this, Cade. Please, just let me prove how sorry I am,” she breathes.
Just when her lips are mere inches from mine, a pair of gorgeous, mint eyes flash before me.
“No.” I rip myself out of her hands, spinning away as I scrub two hands through my hair.
“We obviously still feel something for each other. Look at you. You’re flustered.”
“You fucked somebody else,” I say flatly, my body averted from hers. “There’s nothing left to discuss. After tonight, we’ve said all we needed to say, you understand me?” Then I’m pivoting to land my cautionary stare on her. “No texts. No calls. No meetups. None of this bullshit. Got it?”
“I told you I made a mistake, goddammit! I’m trying to right my wrongs,” Jenna exclaims.
I paint a mocking smirk on my face. “By using your body, right? Seems fitting, since that’s what you’re good at.”
A low blow, but necessary.
My head shakes. “This isn’t about a guilty conscience or my heart being unsure about what I want, Jenna.
This has nothing to do with you . This has nothing to do with us .
There is no us anymore.” Her nostrils mildly flare as she swigs a breath, waiting for me to deliver the punchline.
“But this has everything to do with my heart being sure of someone else .”
Her eyes fall in sadness, face tensing before she walks off.
My eyes trail her backside as she combs a hand through her hair, and she travels with a piece of me.
My old self.
A lesser version of who I am now.
Until she disappears through the glass doors.