41. What Do I Say?
What Do I Say?
Vandal
The sad part of this morning is that it went exactly how I expected it to.
There’s not a single part of my brain that believes Lola will ever forgive me. What I’m doing is an act of futility.
A stupid dream that keeps believing the woman loves you enough to see through the madness and believe in your love.
No woman should end up with a creeper that acts like I am now.
She should walk away and never look back. Lola should slap my face and tell me to stop. She should throw every vile thing I did in my face and tell me to go away.
But the stupid part of my brain wants her to see the real me. To look past what I’m doing and see me…see what we mean to each other. I want her to know down to her soul that I’m a good person and there must be some very good reason I’m doing this.
Pipe dreams are all I have at this point.
A bag of takeout from the pho place she likes, a bunch of flowers, and a diamond bracelet finish this afternoon’s offerings.
They aren’t enough, and bringing them feels like bribing her, but I need something to get her to stop and listen to me.
And what am I going to say? I’m sorry. I’ll never do it again.
Lies…more lies. My life right now is all lies.
At least when I was Vaughn Linckester, I didn’t have to lie.
Except when I said I was happy.
That my life had purpose.
Walk away.
She’ll be happier if you walk away.
When this is done, you can find her again and convince her to give you another chance.
Like Lola is going to just hang around waiting for me to come back because I’m her true love. We aren’t living in a romance novel. Women don’t do things like that.
A smart man is going to come by, treat her like the princess she is, and sweep her off her feet.
When did fairy tales take over your reality?
I stop in front of her door and stand there staring at it. Nothing about it has changed from this morning.
If she hadn’t walked into that party, we’d be out to lunch somewhere, probably talking about her classes.
Kerri walks up. She stops when she notices me leaning against the wall, staring at it with desperation. “I heard what you did.”
Is there anyone on campus who hasn’t heard yet?
“Lola thought LynnLeigh and Suzie were pranking her. That it was a joke.”
“I wouldn’t ever do that to her.”
“And see, that’s my problem. I believe you when you say that, but I also know you threw a massive party at your penthouse with drugs, booze, and women that don’t care what a creep you are. So which you is true?”
Does she really expect an answer? Probably. “Can’t they both be true?”
Kerri shakes her head. “Not for a mentally sound person.” She tips her head to the side, staring at me. “Are you a drug addict?”
What?
“That would make sense. You’d want to hide that side of yourself from Lola, but why would you use your own place?”
“Lola doesn’t know where I live.” Why did I say that? Because that lie might work.
“Even if she doesn’t now, she would have figured it out soon enough. Why not go to a club on the other side of town?”
Because I’m luring in a drug dealer. “Because Lola was supposed to spend the night in the library, and I didn’t expect her to hang out with the kind of people who attended.” That’s oddly the truth.
Kerri stares at me like her eyes are X-rays, and she can see the truth if she looks hard enough. “Lola has a lot of friends. She was bound to find out.”
“Not right away. I could have gotten away with it a few more times.”
“But you didn’t.”
“No, I didn’t.”
Kerri knocks on Lola’s door, then pokes her head inside. “He’s here again.”
“What?” She races to the open door and stops. “Why are you here?”
“Because he’s an addict and doesn’t know how to tell you so he’s just standing there like an idiot,” Kerri answers for me.
“A what?” Lola’s head practically spins around as she tries to look at both of us at the same time.
“It makes sense. He didn’t expect to fall in love with you, but like so many guys our age, he’s addicted to drugs and doesn’t know how to explain it to you.”
“Is that true? Are you an addict? How did you start? When? Why? Have you been doing them while we were together? You drove us around in your car. Were you high then? You didn’t look high.
Are you an addict? Do you need help? Because I’m not going to stay with you if you’re on drugs. It’s me or them.”
Lie. It would be so easy. She wants to believe you. You could go to AA for a few months and pretend to get help. Then, when the coast was clear, you could tell her the truth. “I’m not an addict.”
Lola steps forward. “You don’t have to lie to me. We can get you help.”
The earnest words gut me. Lying would be so much easier. “I’m not an addict, Lola. I wouldn’t lie to you about something like that.”
“Then why did you lie to me about a party? And why were you dancing with those girls?”
“Whatever happens and whatever I did, we belong together. We always will.”
“Tell me why? Answer that one simple question, and we can move forward.”
All hope inside me collapses. She’s trying. She’s giving me the benefit of the doubt, just like I hoped she would. “I’m falling in love with you, Lola.”
“Then why would you hurt me like that?”
“No excuse will ever make up for—”
“I don’t want an excuse. I want an answer. One simple answer. Just tell me why.”
There is no answer to that question, not without me lying, so I stay quiet.
Lola stands there waiting, like somehow her patience will elicit a response from me.
Instead of words, I stare deep into her eyes, willing her to make the stupidest decision of her life.
How long we stand there, I don’t know, but suddenly she drops her gaze and tears fall to the ground. Lola takes the gifts from me and turns back to her room.
She probably would have slammed the door, but her friends are there standing guard.
“You can leave now. She doesn’t want to see you anymore,” LynnLeigh snaps as Kerri studies me like a lab rat.
A rat that should have been put down before being born, like his father wanted.