CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
BUD LEROY
I guess it was a little out of left field.
LILA MURPHY
A little? A little?! I think you need to adjust your quantities, Bud.
Vampire Falls. Season three, episode fourteen – “Reckoning and Beckoning”
The quiet of the dance floor clarifies the scene. My best friend and the person I’ve been at odds with all weekend, smiling at each other, the flashing lights making it look like Roxy’s brushing Vivian’s hair over her shoulder in slow motion.
“Eliza?”
Charlie’s voice goes from confused to oh-I-see-what-you’re-seeing by the third syllable of my name.
I shove my headset into his hands and go over to the clandestine couple, the few drinks in me maybe making it more of a storm than a walk.
Vivian notices me first and takes a quick step away from Roxy.
Roxy looks round, her flirtatious smile dropping from her face the moment she sees me.
I stop in front of them, not really sure what I want to say, what I want to accuse them of, so I just look at Roxy. Vivian speaks first, tucking her hair behind her ear.
“I’m just going to . . .”
She walks off, leaving Roxy and me at the edge of the dance floor together. Roxy puts her hands up, as if she’s surrendering.
“Before you say anything,” she says. I fold my arms and stare at her. “It’s not what it looked like.”
“What was it then?” I snap. Roxy shakes her head a fraction, her eyes flicking towards Vivian. I back away from her. “You know what? I can’t. I literally can’t deal with this.”
Roxy grabs my hand and tries to pull me round, but I shake her off, so she hurries in front of me.
“Eliza, don’t,” she says. I stop and fold my arms again, but I can’t look at her. “Eliza, come on. It was nothing.”
I wring my hands together and look round. Vivian has sat next to Sadie, which is probably a smart move. Charlie’s at the table as well, pretending not to watch us. I turn back to Roxy.
“Nothing? I know your moves, Roxy. I know the up-close bit and then the hair push bit. I know what it means. I saw you do it with Iris.” I shake my head, my eyes widening. “Oh my god. Iris. How could you do this to her?”
“I’m not,” she says, tension creeping between her eyebrows.
“You’re not what? Betraying her?”
Roxy watches a couple swinging their way past us, then she turns back to me and folds her arms.
“Don’t act like you give a shit about Iris. This is about you, not her.”
“Excuse me? I do give a shit about her,” I respond automatically, although it’s a pretty harsh (and unexpected) accusation. “It’s about both of us.”
She shakes her head and smiles, but not a Roxy kind of smile. I’ve never seen this kind of smile on her before. I don’t like it.
“Have you for one second wondered why she isn’t here this weekend? Why I’ve been on the phone constantly?”
“Yes, I . . .” I pause, thinking back to Roxy telling my why Iris couldn’t come, but I can’t remember. “You didn’t tell me.”
“I didn’t tell you, or you didn’t ask? The thought hasn’t crossed your mind, has it? If you’d thought for a split second, hey, I wonder where Iris is, the question would have been outof your mouth. But you didn’t.”
“Why are you turning this round on me?”
“I’m not, babe! I’m just telling you things aren’t as clear cut as you make them out to be.
” Roxy shakes her head. “You’ve had the whole weekend, but you’ve been so obsessed with Charlie and Vivian and this fucking competition you just didn’t think about it.
Charlie did. Charlie and Vivian both asked where she was. ”
The mention of their names makes my cheeks flush and I’m angry with myself for letting them have such an effect on me, but I can’t seem to navigate through our conversation. I clench my shaking hands and clear my throat, trying to steady my voice.
“When have you been speaking to Vivian?”
Roxy rolls her eyes and shakes her head.
“What exactly is your problem with her? She hasn’t actually done anything to you, Eliza.”
“She hates me.”
“How does she hate you? Didn’t she help you on stage to enter the competition? Hasn’t she posted a load of gorgeous photos of you? The reason you don’t like her is because she’s made everything different, and you can’t stand change.”
I rub my forehead, unable to process a universe where Vivian isn’t my enemy.
“So . . . where is Iris?” I ask.
A flicker of sadness flashes across Roxy’s face and she looks at the floor. I finally put the pieces together and just want to embrace her, so she doesn’t have to say it out loud.
“We broke up.”
“What?” I reach for her hand, but she steps away. “I’m so sorry, Roxy.”
“Are you?” she says, looking away from me.
“Of course I am! It’s just, since we arrived, with Charlie being here and—”
“Fucking Charlie!” she says, pressing her fingers against her temples. “You’re not the only one in this hotel with a broken heart, Eliza.”
She’s just below shouting level now, and she’s shaking a little. I’ve never seen her like this before, and it’s the worst thing that’s happened over the whole weekend, probably even the duration of our friendship.
“I don’t have a broken heart . . . I . . .” I say, desperately trying to stop this from finally happening.
“You’re not the only one who lost him, babe,” she says, glancing at him. “I miss him too. I miss us.”
“I don’t . . . I mean, I . . .” I start, searching for the right words.
“You guys kissed, then he messed up. He realised he messed up, but you’ve been punishing him ever since. Can’t you see you’re punishing yourself too? And me? You hold everyone up to these insane standards so it’s impossible for anyone to live up to them.”
I shake my head and blink away my tears. Roxy’s right, I know she’s right. Charlie ghosting me was worse than if we had never kissed at all, so I pretended it didn’t happen. I pretended he didn’t happen, and I did the very same to him.
“It’s easier for you to hate him than to admit you were wrong too. And the crazy thing is that you’re still obsessed with him, but you won’t admit it.” She looks at me, her face cold. “Obsessed with Charlie and this fucking competition.”
I blink at her, wondering how to close this floodgate, or if it’s a good idea to try.
“The competition is for us. We’ve always wanted to go to San Diego.”
“Yes, but it’s not about San Diego any more,” she says, getting louder and louder. “Because you’re up against Charlie and Vivian, you’re taking the whole thing personally.”
“No. No, I just want us to go,” I say, shaking my head and biting my lip, “to go to a convention one last time, together, just us, to go and be Vampire Falls fans. One day we’re going to be here or . . . or hang out together for the last time, and we won’t even realise it.”
Roxy’s face softens and her voice dials down a couple of notches.
“What?”
“And this could be it,” I say, my voice cracking. “And I can’t miss any of it, I can’t miss a single second with you.”
“We’ll still do this when we’re at uni, babe,” she says, rubbing my arm.
“We can’t . . .” I say, shaking my head, a mess of tears and snot bubbles. “We can’t because . . . because I didn’t get in!”
The failure bursts out of me, but I don’t feel any less heavy now I’ve shared it with her.
Roxy’s eyebrows pinch together, and she steps forward.
“What? Why didn’t you tell me?” she says.
“I don’t know,” I say, my chest tight.
“So, what are you going to do?” she asks. All I can do is shake my head. “It’ll be OK, babe. We can sort this out.”
“No, we can’t, because there’s not going to be a we any more!”
I turn away but she grabs my arm.
“Hey, don’t run away, Eliza.”
“Why not? That’s what Charlie did; that’s what you’re going to do.”
“Don’t be silly, babe.”
“I’m not being silly!” I snap, snatching my arm out of her grasp. “This is . . . it’s just . . . not cool, Roxy.”
She calls my name, and it sounds so loud and exposed in the quiet of the silent disco. I walk away from her, unable to stop myself looking at Charlie and Vivian who look at me with such pity in their eyes, I could scream. I stop at their table, my hands shaking as I wipe the tears from my face.
“Eliza?” Charlie says, standing up from his chair.
“W-why did you have to pick her?” I say, barely able to get the words out.
His eyebrows pinch together and he looks at Vivian, who’s fiddling with her phone in her lap, then back at me. Sadie’s wearing a pair of cat headphones now and doesn’t look up from her phone.
“I . . . I didn’t pick her, Eliza,” says Charlie, lights strobing across his confused face from the party that I couldn’t feel further away from. “She picked us.”
Charlie, Vivian and Roxy, who’s now coming over, watch me, wondering what’s next for this latest Eliza meltdown.
“That’s not what I mean,” I say, shaking my head and turning from them.
Charlie starts to come after me, but Vivian grabs his hand and whispers to him. I run past the dancing, away from the party, away from Roxy, and Charlie and Vivian, and through the doors of Conference Hall A, not sure where I’ll stop but that I’ll be alone when I get there.