Chapter 10 Aubrey
chapter
ten
aubrey
idiot!
What in the heck was wrong with me? Why did I continue to give him that sort of power over me? Why couldn’t I ever say no to him?
Well, I’d just have to learn to. Because Maxx planned to come back and I needed to prepare myself for how I was going to handle that.
I had already learned how easy it was for me to fall back into that place where Maxx mattered. When I saw his face again I could see how much he wanted me. And I felt it—the thrill. The excitement. The overwhelming desire.
In that moment I had wanted him to want me.
When I had dressed that day before going to see him, I had taken the time to pick out a skirt that I knew was flattering.
I had chosen a shirt he had complimented me on before.
I had made sure my hair was perfect and my makeup subtle but pretty.
God, what was wrong with me that I was drawn back into the web of his manipulation and emotional games once again?
I had come home angry and determined. It would be all too easy for him to suck me back in.
“You look like you’re ready to kick some ass and take some names,” Renee commented after I had slammed through the front door and threw my purse onto the couch.
I kicked off my shoes and collapsed down beside her.
Renee hastily put the letter she had been reading on the coffee table before turning to me.
“I just saw Maxx,” I told her, my voice hard.
Renee pulled her legs up underneath her. “Are you serious?”
I nodded. “He called me when we were out at the bar. He asked me to go and see him. I wasn’t going to. But then—”
“You just couldn’t help yourself,” Renee interjected, sounding strangely angry.
I frowned at her response. “Well, not exactly. I just knew that if I didn’t I’d drive myself crazy wondering how he was. I figured it was the only way I could put this madness behind me once and for all.”
“Did it work?” she asked me.
I shrugged. “I hope so. I don’t feel as though I have any other option.”
“Is Maxx trying to move on as well?” Renee cocked her head to the side and regarded me.
I let out a breath and leaned my head back, closing my eyes. “I don’t think so,” I admitted softly.
“So when he gets out and comes back for you, telling you how much he’s changed, how things will be different, will you be able to walk away?” Renee asked as she passed me the bag of Hershey’s Kisses.
I wasn’t able to come up with an appropriate response, so I stuffed my face full of chocolate instead. Renee grabbed her own handful of candy. “It’s not so easy, is it?” she stated, giving me a sad sort of smile. I reached down and picked up the paper she had laid on the coffee table.
“What’s this?” I asked, smoothing it out.
“My baggage,” Renee answered, unwrapping a chocolate and popping it into her mouth.
“From Devon?” I asked, not reading the letter but instead handing it back.
Renee nodded, balling the paper up and throwing it across the room. I grabbed my roommate’s hand and got to my feet. “Let’s get out of here. Sitting around and feeling sorry for ourselves isn’t how we should spend our Sunday. We’re better than that.”
Renee grinned and squeezed my hand. “Let’s go tear some shit up.”
We laughed together, knowing that our version of tearing shit up involved a bucket of popcorn and a nauseating chick flick. But it felt good. Better than good. It felt great.
And yet, for all of my strong talk, Maxx was on my mind, and I couldn’t get rid of him.
“What is up with you? You look like you’re about to have an aneurysm,” Brooks observed, tapping my foot with his as we sat on my couch and I pretended to watch the really bad made-for-TV movie on the Syfy channel.
“Wow, you sure know how to sweet-talk a girl,” I joked, rolling my eyes.
Brooks dropped a few kernels of popcorn into his mouth and looked at me thoughtfully. “Something’s up. What is it?”
I sighed. I had messed up our friendship once by lying to him, and I couldn’t afford to lose Brooks again. Especially not now, when I needed my friends’ support more than ever.
“It wasn’t my mom on the phone that night at the bar . . .” I said, grabbing the bowl of popcorn from his lap and stuffing my face. “It was Maxx,” I mumbled through a mouthful of the salty snack.
Brooks’s frown deepened and he turned back to the television. “That explains why you lied about it,” he muttered.
“Ouch,” I said, grimacing.
“Whatever, you know I’m right,” Brooks said.
“Well, it’s not like he’s the best topic of conversation between us, Brooks,” I said, turning the TV down so that he would look at me.
“Okay, and that’s probably my fault. I can be a bit . . . judgmental when it comes to Mr. I’m-such-a-badass-when-I’m-not-choking-on-my-own-vomit,” he quipped, his mouth turning down, letting me know he was trying really hard not to snap at me.
“Brooks, come on. Can’t you take off your sarcasm pants for just one freaking minute?”
“Sure, as soon as you stop losing your fucking head over a jackass who isn’t worth your time,” Brooks fumed, his choice of words shocking the hell out of me.
“I’m not losing my head, Brooks,” I replied, completely offended. I thought I was doing pretty darn well, given the situation.
Brooks let out a long, tortured breath and took the remote from my hand and turned off the television.
“That wasn’t too cool of me. Here you are, being all honest and stuff, and I’m being a jerk. Go ahead, tell me about it,” he said, turning to face me.
I eyed him warily, not sure how truthful I should be. But I figured if our friendship was ever going to recover, I needed to tell him everything.
“Well, he asked me to go and see him at the rehab center where he’s been for the past few weeks . . . and I went,” I said matter-of-factly.
Brooks closed his mouth and his face went still. “You what?” he demanded.
“I went to see him on Sunday.” I threw my hands up in the air in defeat. “It was a mistake and I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I guess I just thought that seeing him would help me shut the door on that part of my life. That I could be assured he was doing okay and then walk away.”
“And did you?”
“Did I what?” I asked, confused.
Brooks’s lips thinned as he answered. “Shut the door. Walk away.”
“Well, I’m here, aren’t I?” I said defensively.
Brooks didn’t say anything for a really long time, though I could tell there was a lot that he wanted to say but was surprisingly holding his tongue.
“I guess, though I think that explains the staring off into space you’ve been doing,” Brooks said after a while.
“I have not been staring into space,” I argued.
Brooks only shook his head.
“So what did Maxxy boy have to say? Did he show off his healing track lines or his new and improved hypodermic needle collection?” Brooks spat out hatefully.
“Wow. What happened to not being judgmental?” I demanded, frowning.
“I just don’t want you to forget who he is, Aubrey.
Or what he’s done. I have no doubt he wanted you to come and see him to prove that he’s changed.
To show you he’s trying. I have no doubt he gave you a song and dance about being a better man and that he wanted another chance.
Am I right?” Brooks asked, sounding both tired and bitter.
My mouth popped open, then closed again. I didn’t say anything. There was no point. Brooks was right.
Brooks shook his head, looking sad. “For such a smart girl, you really can be so damn blind about stuff.” He dropped the TV remote onto the coffee table with a clang.
“I just . . . I needed . . . closure. I needed to know that he was all right. That I could move on without worrying about how he was and what he was doing!”
“Well, now you know, Aubrey. The best thing you could have done was to walk away from Maxx. He would have eventually dragged you down further into that hole with him.”
“You’re not saying anything I don’t already know, Brooks.
God! Going to see Maxx was about me! I needed it for my peace of mind!
I had turned my back on my sister and look what happened!
I couldn’t live with myself if the same thing had happened to Maxx.
I could never go on and live my life with that weighing on my mind! ”
“Jayme was not your fault, Aubrey! Shit, it was a horrible, horrible thing that had absolutely nothing to do with you!” Brooks grabbed ahold of my shoulders, digging his fingers into my flesh.
“And Maxx isn’t your fault either! You need to stop blaming yourself for things beyond your control!
You couldn’t change anything. Not for Jayme and not for Maxx.
No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you could. ”
Brooks could never understand how badly I needed to hear those words in that moment.
Brooks cupped my face between his palms, his fingers warm against my wet face.
His thumbs ran circles over my skin and I leaned in, needing the touch.
Needing to feel the connection even if it wasn’t the one I still craved.
“You’re a good person with a big heart. I love how you want to take care of everyone. But you can’t. Some people can’t be saved. And that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.” I leaned in, my nose an inch from his. “Aubrey, you have to let go of this thing you had with Maxx.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do!” I whispered.
“Okay, but you also have to let go of the guilt. You’re putting on a brave face. You’re playing the part of the girl who is moving forward. But I can see that you’ve only been willing to go halfway,” Brooks admonished gently.
“You really need to forgive yourself, Aubrey. For Jayme. For what you think happened with Maxx. For all of it. Until you do that, you’ll be stuck.”
Shit, he was right. He was so, so right.
“Stop trying to save everyone else and worry about saving yourself. Don’t you deserve that?”
I should have wanted to pull out of Brooks’s hold on my face.
But I didn’t. I wanted to lean in and drink in the comfort he gave me.
I wanted to lose myself in the sensation of someone else.
I needed to remember what it felt like to touch someone who wasn’t Maxx.
Otherwise, I was terrified I’d never be able to truly move on.
I pushed myself into Brooks’s personal space and he stilled instantly. He held himself rigid and I could feel his breath on my cheeks. Slowly and purposefully I brushed my lips against his and I heard his audible gasp. It had been years since I had kissed him.
But it was familiar. Did I want this kind of familiar?
Yes.
No.
I was horribly confused.
But I pushed myself into it, pressing my lips harder against Brooks’s.
I kissed him with a heart that was empty but wanting so desperately to feel something again.
I tried to open my mouth and invite him in but realized that Brooks wasn’t responding.
I pulled back slightly and opened my eyes.
The eyes that looked back at me were dark. He was angry.
“I’m sorry—” I began, but Brooks cut me off.
“What the hell, Aubrey?” Brooks demanded, getting to his feet and rubbing his hand over his mouth as though to wipe my kiss from his skin.
My cheeks flushed in humiliation. Brooks’s rejection ripped a hole straight through me.
“I just thought you wanted to . . .”
“Not like this! Not with you crying and miserable over some other dude!” he practically shouted.
I stood up and reached out to touch him, trying to make this better. But he recoiled instantly. “Brooks, I never meant to—”
“Use me? Try to make yourself feel better?” Brooks spat out.
I felt sick. He was right. That’s exactly what I was doing and that wasn’t fair. To him or to me. “You’re right. That’s exactly what I was doing,” I said quietly, running my hands over my face in agitation. What was wrong with me?
I knew, on some level, Brooks had feelings for me.
And I had counted on those feelings to help me force something on the both of us.
I cared about Brooks, but my heart still belonged to someone else, whether I wanted it to or not.
You can’t give away something that wasn’t yours to give in the first place.
Brooks blew out a noisy breath and looked as upset as I had ever seen him. I couldn’t believe that I’d screwed up everything between us all over again. Because of Maxx. It was always because of Maxx. I felt like a total idiot.
“I think I should go,” Brooks said, grabbing his keys from the coffee table.
“Wait, Brooks, please! Don’t hate me!” I pleaded.
Brooks stopped just before reaching the door. “I don’t hate you, Aubrey. I could never hate you. I just want more for you than this,” he said as he opened the door.
I wasn’t sure exactly what this was. Maxx? Brooks? My pathetic attempts to use my best friend to feed my ego and make me feel better? Before I could say anything else, Brooks left.