Chapter 15 Aubrey
chapter
fifteen
aubrey
after Boundaries and Ethics class, I ended up blowing off the rest of my day.
My run-in with Maxx that morning had rattled me, and all I wanted was a bubble bath and to rearrange my closet.
I needed to get my equilibrium back. I was proud that I’d been able to walk away with my head and heart intact, but I still felt unsettled.
Renee was in class until early evening, so I had the place to myself.
I turned my music on, blasting old-school Nine Inch Nails and pulling all of my shoes and sweaters out of my closet.
I was knee-deep in shoeboxes when the doorbell chimed.
I stood up and wiped my dusty hands on my jeans, pulled my stringy hair into a low bun, and headed out to the living room.
The doorbell rang again and I growled in frustration.
“Hold your horses,” I muttered as I turned the lock and opened the door, not bothering to look through the peephole.
And then I froze. I should have known walking away from Maxx had been too easy.
“What are you doing here?” I asked shortly, thinking about shutting the door in his face.
He frowned, the lines between his eyebrows deepening. “We need to talk.”
“Well, I’m sort of busy—” I began, but Maxx cut me off. He stepped forward, forcing me to back up and let him into the apartment.
He shut the door behind him and stared at me with an intensity that made my stomach drop into my scuffed sneakers.
“No. We need to talk now,” he said, his words strong and brooking no argument.
I crossed my arms over my chest and leveled my hardest glare in his direction.
“Uh, excuse me? Where do you get off?” I fumed.
Maxx closed his eyes, clearly frustrated.
Well, that makes two of us, buddy.
Maxx opened his eyes again, the blue blazing with a ferocity that made me take another step back. “What happened after I went to rehab?”
Huh?
“What are you talking about?” I asked, confused.
Maxx advanced toward me and I backed up until my legs hit the side of the couch and I was forced to sit down on the arm, a position that gave him too much of an advantage, but I couldn’t move.
“You’re not leading the support group anymore. Why?” he asked, his words clipped and harsh, as though the thought really pissed him off.
Why would he be angry about whether or not I was facilitating that stupid support group anymore?
“Why?” I snipped. I leaned back, trying to get some distance, but I was in danger of sliding down the arm of the couch and onto my back. That inelegant move would have made me look even more ridiculous than I already felt.
“Can you give me a little space here? You’re making me feel claustrophobic,” I said, holding my hands out, making sure not to touch him.
Maxx looked at the shrinking space between us and muttered, “Sorry.”
“Can I sit down?” he asked, looking suddenly unsure. For all of his bluster only moments before when he had barged into my apartment, his confidence seemed to have waned.
“Sure, it’s not like I’m going to be able to make you leave, am I?” I threw back at him.
Maxx winced and I felt a little bad for being so hateful. But only a little.
“I didn’t mean to just march over here like this. But I heard some stuff today and I needed to see you. To hear from you that it wasn’t true. Because if it is true, God, if it is . . .” He trailed off and stared at me again, his eyes wide and suddenly anguished.
I felt that uncontrollable pull toward him again. But I ignored it. It was a matter of survival to pretend it didn’t exist at all.
“You’re not making a whole lot of sense, Maxx,” I said wearily. He seemed . . . tortured, and that need to take care of him reared its traitorous head. It took everything inside of me to not pull him close and hold him the way I would have done without reservation once before.
“I heard—” He stopped abruptly and swallowed audibly before speaking again. “I heard that you were kicked out or something. I didn’t get the whole story. But I heard it was because of me. Because of us. That you got in trouble as a result of our relationship. Is that true?”
Maxx’s insistence irritated me. I was unsettled having him here, in my space like this. He enveloped. Took over. Consumed.
“Why would it matter if it were true?” I asked sharply in an attempt to hide my unease.
Maxx covered his face with his hands and scrubbed his fingers down his cheeks as he raised his head to meet my eyes.
“Because the last thing I have ever wanted was for you to be brought down with me. I never wanted what I was, what I chose to do, to impact your life like that.”
“Are you serious?” I scoffed.
Maxx reared back as though I had slapped him. “Yes, I’m serious!”
“Because if you ever thought for one second that your habit . . . that who you are,” I spat out, “wouldn’t affect me, then you were even more deluded than I thought.” Maxx opened his mouth as if to argue, but I shook my head, cutting him off.
“C’mon, Maxx! I loved you! We were together!
We made the decision to share our lives, for whatever that was worth.
I warned you about the risks for both of us!
But I made my bed and now I’m lying in it.
Because that’s life, Maxx. When we make bad decisions, we have to deal with the fallout!
” I yelled. I was getting worked up. I couldn’t help it.
“I know there are consequences, Aubrey! I’m one big, walking consequence! You think I don’t realize that? But, God, I never meant for any of this to happen!” We were both breathing rapidly. Maxx’s face was flushed and his eyes were a little wild. I knew that I must look the same way.
“I need to make this right. For you. For us,” he stated emphatically.
I shook my head. “There is no us, Maxx. I told you that,” I said tiredly.
Maxx’s eyes flashed with fury. “I don’t believe that, Aubrey, and I don’t believe that you believe that! There will always be an us!”
Good God, I actually wanted to believe him.
“I don’t want to do this right now. You need to leave,” I said in a shaky voice. I lacked any real conviction, but I hoped the words would be enough.
They weren’t. Maxx dropped to his knees and crawled across the space between us until he was kneeling in front of me. He looked up at me and brought his hand up to my chest, placing his palm over my heart, which beat erratically.
“I feel it, Aubrey. Right there, where it matters. You want me here.” He grabbed my hand and brought it up to his chest, where I felt the frantic thud beneath my fingers.
“Do you feel that? That’s where you are.
That’s where you will always be. And as long as this heart beats, I will never give up on what we had.
I will make you see that I can change. I can be the person you need me to be. ”
I tried to pull my hand away but he held me firm, the flat of my palm pressed to his chest.
“Please, Maxx. Stop it! Stop talking to me like this! You’ve already done enough! I can’t survive you again!” I beseeched, feeling myself start to panic. If he stayed much longer, speaking to me like this, my control would slip.
He dropped his hand to my leg. “I hate myself for everything I’ve done to you. What I’ve put you through is my biggest regret. Aubrey, you were the only beautiful part of my nasty life. And to know that just by loving me, you lost so much . . . I don’t think I can deal with that.”
The anxiety in my gut twisted painfully. I felt the press of his hand on my leg and could see the wetness on his face. We were so close. Achingly so. If he kissed me now, I wasn’t sure I had the strength to resist him.
Because I wanted him to kiss me. Because as much as I was trying desperately to believe otherwise, I knew that I loved this man, as much as I ever had. It was a love without logic. It was a love without sense. It was a love that had no real place in the world I was trying to build for myself.
You can’t move on from a love like that. Even if it was destined to only bring you pain.
I stared down at his face and saw the way he was tearing himself apart. Over me. Over everything he had done. I couldn’t sit there and let him beat himself up like that, even if a part of me yelled, He deserves this!
I covered his hand with mine, squeezing lightly.
“I made my choices, Maxx. I knew what I was getting into the first time we kissed. I made the decision to cross that line. I knew what was at stake by loving you. But even after everything, I can’t regret it.
Not ever. I’m angry with you. So damn angry, Maxx.
But I don’t regret you. Not even a little bit,” I whispered, having lost the ability to speak any louder.
Maxx dropped his forehead to my knee and wrapped his arms around my calves. “I’m so, so sorry, Aubrey.” His voice sounded broken.
I lifted my hand and let it hover for a moment over the back of his head, not sure if I should touch him. I didn’t know what to do. I was torn in half. I dropped my hand to my side and leaned back. “Maxx. Please, stop it,” I said gently, making my choice.
Maxx released me from his hold and moved backward, furiously wiping his cheeks with his hands. “I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry, Aubrey. I just keep doing the wrong thing when it comes to you,” he apologized, looking embarrassed by his breakdown.
I couldn’t help it. This time I did the only thing my hurting heart would allow. Even if it was wrong and stupid.
I touched him.
I reached out and put my hand on the side of his face, reveling in the contact I had denied myself. I was disgusted that I was enjoying it, but I didn’t pull away. Maxx leaned into my palm.
“The one thing you don’t have to be sorry about is the future of my academic career. I’m dealing with it. It’s handled. It really has nothing to do with you,” I told him.
Maxx let out a chuckle. “I must sound like the worst kind of narcissist, insisting that everything in your life has to do with me.”
“For a little while, it did,” I admitted before I could stop myself.
Maxx grabbed my hand, the one cupping his face, brought it to his mouth, and tenderly kissed my palm. His lips lingered on my skin as he stared into my eyes. His kiss burned like a brand. We gazed at each other, the air sizzling and electric. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t breathe.
Then he got to his feet. “But not anymore,” he said, wiping the last of the tears from his face. He pulled out his cell phone and looked at the screen. “I’ve got to get going. I have a meeting at the financial aid office,” he said, tucking his phone back into his pocket.
“Oh, okay,” I said, feeling completely off balance.
“It seems I lost most of my financial assistance for school. I have to go and figure out whether there’s any chance that I can come back next semester to finish my degree,” Maxx said on a sigh.
“I . . . I hope it works out,” I said sincerely.
“Me, too.” He turned and walked to the door and I followed him.
“I’m sorry I came here like this. I shouldn’t have done that,” he said as he opened the door.
I shook my head. “Don’t be. It’s . . . it’s fine.” I had resorted to insincere niceties, having nothing else to say.
“Thanks for not shutting the door in my face,” Maxx said, giving me a weak smile. I opened my mouth to respond but my voice failed me. And then he was gone.