Chapter 23 Aubrey
chapter
twenty-three
aubrey
i woke up feeling groggy and winced as I moved my arms. My muscles felt bruised, and it took me a minute to remember everything that had happened earlier.
Evan and the horrific scene after class. And Maxx.
I sat up abruptly, pushing aside a blanket that hadn’t been there when I had fallen asleep. My room had grown darker, and I could see the soft glow of my alarm clock displaying the time. It was just after eight in the evening.
Crap! I had slept for almost three hours!
I heard a soft exhale of breath, and I looked over to see Maxx curled onto his side. His hair was messy and fell onto his forehead. He had one hand tucked beneath his cheek and the other reaching outward.
He looked incredibly young. Vulnerable, even.
My heart twisted and turned painfully as I watched him sleep. Love that had never gone away re-ignited unobstructed in my chest.
I knew I should push it away, seal it back into the box I had tucked it away in. But I couldn’t.
Not now.
Maybe I was still in a state of shock. Maybe I wasn’t thinking clearly, given the horrific experience I had just gone through. Whatever the reasons, I found myself once again drawn toward the very person I knew I should stay away from.
Without thinking about what I was doing, I slowly lifted my fingers and let them hover above his skin. I wanted to sweep his hair back and feel the soft strands.
But I couldn’t let myself touch him. Even as my fingers tingled with the need to.
I wanted to lie back down beside him. To press myself against him the way I had done so many times before. To fall back into that crazy, passionate place that had dominated my life.
My heart demanded that I never let this man leave my side again. That he belonged there. He would always belong there.
But my head said something else entirely. It warned me of the price of loving him.
But was it a price I’d be willing to pay?
I thought about Renee. And Brooks. And Dr. Lowell. The people who believed in me. The ones who gave me my second chance.
I wouldn’t be disappointing just myself if I allowed this to happen.
But having him here, after what had happened, made my emotions run high. Irrational emotions that had always gotten me into trouble.
I wanted to be smarter. I wanted to be strong and turn away.
I was struggling.
Maxx’s lips quirked into a sleepy smile, and his eyes slowly drifted open. “The whole watching-someone-while-they-sleep thing is a little creepy, you know.”
I blushed, embarrassed at having been caught.
I cleared my throat and looked away. “Yeah, well, you have drool caked to the side of your face.”
Maxx frowned and wiped at his cheek, and I couldn’t help but grin. He rolled his eyes. “You’re hysterical, Aubrey,” he deadpanned.
I smirked, chuckling to myself before sobering. “You shouldn’t have stayed,” I told him firmly but quietly.
I sounded ungrateful, and I knew that. But it was my last-ditch effort to keep him at arm’s length. Because I knew all too well there was a very big difference between doing what was right and doing what felt right.
Maxx sat up. His hair was mussed, and there were fine red lines along his jaw from the crease of the pillow. There was something rugged and raw about his face that made it impossible to look away.
“There was no way I would have left you, even if you had tried to make me.” His eyes flashed vehemently, and I believed him.
“I know,” I sighed.
Maxx ran his hand over his face before looking at me again.
“I think you need to report Evan.”
“If I did, what would happen to you?” I asked. Maxx frowned, looking confused.
“You beat the crap out of him, Maxx. You don’t think he’d jump at the chance to take you down with him?” I continued.
“That’s ridiculous, Aubrey!” Maxx fumed.
I held my hand up, silencing him. “It is what it is, Maxx. You know I’m right.”
I hated remaining silent about what Evan had done. It felt wrong, and in a way like I was letting him win.
I thought about April and knew without a doubt that what I had experienced at his hand was most likely mild in comparison to what she had been through.
An abusive bully like that needed to be dealt with. But I knew sacrificing Maxx to do it wasn’t an option I was okay with.
Maxx looked at me like I had lost my mind. “Do you think I honestly give a rat’s ass about that? I can handle what happens to me. But you sure as hell can’t let him get away with what he did to you. It’s not right!” he said emphatically, as though reading my mind.
I shook my head, knowing he wouldn’t be able to change my mind. “I don’t think he’ll mess with me again. Not after you nearly put his head through the concrete,” I said with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. If that was at all possible.
Maxx let out an exasperated breath. “You have to stop trying to save me, Aubrey,” he said, his words hanging in the air with the weight of uncomfortable truth.
“That’s not fair, Maxx, and more than a little messed up for you to say!” I bit out, feeling tears that had refused to fall earlier prick my eyes, even as I fought against them. I was exhausted. I was exposed. I was going down fast.
Maxx slid across the bed until only inches separated us. He slowly reached for my hands, enfolding them between his.
“No, that wasn’t fair. But it’s the truth.
You can’t help me at the expense of yourself.
You have to come first . . . not just this time, but all the time.
I love you too much to have you throw away your safety to protect me.
I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.” He was impassioned and emphatic.
He was trying to be selfless. I got that.
Then I got angry.
I reared back and stumbled to my feet, almost falling over in my need to get away from him and his touch.
“Don’t you dare,” I warned, holding my hands out as if that would stop him.
Maxx looked bewildered and extremely hurt by my reaction. He didn’t understand that I resented his sweet sentiments and his efforts to be a guy who would put me first.
But where the hell was this guy when I was throwing my life away in order to jump off the cliff with him?
Where was this sensitive person when I was watching him fight to breathe on a disgusting bathroom floor, a used hypodermic needle at my feet?
And where was this caring, compassionate man when he had used every element of emotional manipulation in his arsenal to get me to stay with him, no matter the cost to me?
“What did I say?” he asked, getting to his feet but not walking toward me. I was having a hard time breathing. I was enraged.
“You sit there being all emotive and . . . perfect. Saying all the right things,” I hissed, barely able to look at him.
“You can’t do this to me! I can’t sit on my bed with you after what just happened and have you tell me that I need to protect myself,” I all but shouted.
“I’m in this fucking mess because of you!
I’m still trying to claw my way to the surface after you decimated my entire life! ”
We both recoiled at my words. But somehow, these things I had thought but never really said needed to be said. I had shared some of this at the rehab center when I had visited him, but obviously there was still more that I needed to say.
Maxx opened his mouth but I shook my head, silencing him.
“Don’t. Just don’t. You drew me in, you made me love you, and I was willing to do anything for you. But that wasn’t enough, was it? I threw away my career to watch you freak out every time you couldn’t find your pills fast enough! I watched you die, Maxx!” I screamed, and Maxx flinched.
“You died ! And I had to give you CPR! Do you even begin to understand what that was like? To put my mouth to yours and breathe for you, watching your chest rise and fall and then wait for you to do it on your own? And when you didn’t, putting my fingers to your neck to try and find a pulse that wasn’t there?
I thought you were gone! Just like Jayme.
Just. Like. Jayme!” I shrieked, gripping my hair at my scalp and pulling hard.
Welcome to Nervous Breakdown Land. Ticket, please.
Maxx reached for me, his palms outward, trying to placate me. “Aubrey, please, just calm down so we can talk about this,” he begged, tears coursing down his cheeks as he watched me slowly fall apart.
“You knew what I had been through with Jayme! You knew!” I agonized, my voice softening as I crumpled down onto the bed again. Maxx stayed where he was, watching me with hesitation, not sure if he should comfort me or leave me alone.
“I was a selfish bastard, I know that! I didn’t care about how you were feeling. All I cared about was getting what I wanted. What I needed,” Maxx stated without any hint of denial. His plain and unobstructed truth cut through the red haze of my anger.
“You were a selfish bastard, Maxx. Which is why I walked away. I couldn’t lose you.
Not to drugs. Not to an addiction I had no control over.
I was going to start my life over. But here you are.
In my room. You saved the day like a fucking superhero.
And I should want you to leave. I should open the door and kick your ass out.
But I can’t. Because my heart aches for you, Maxx!
” I pulled at the shirt over my chest as though I could pull the beating organ from my flesh and hand it to him.
“I’m so sorry, Aubrey! God, I’m so fucking sorry!” Maxx sobbed, his face soaked with tears, his eyes bright with pain.
“You keep saying the same old shit, Maxx! You’re sorry. You’re different. You’ve changed. But it comes down to the fact that I don’t trust you. How can I?” I spat out.
“I don’t know.” Maxx hung his head.
“I want you to leave,” I said.
“If that’s what you want,” Maxx replied, heading to my door. He looked shattered.
He had looked like that before. When he had been coming down from the drugs. When he had been at the edge of the abyss and ready to topple over.
I hated that look.