Chapter 31 Aubrey
chapter
thirty-one
aubrey
i love you, I texted to Maxx as I walked across campus toward the psychology building.
I love you more, he texted back only a minute later, making me smile.
Since coming back from North Carolina more than a week ago, I hadn’t been able to get over the nagging worry that something was different between us. The twinge of anxiety brought back nasty emotions I was trying hard to overcome.
Distrust being the most lethal.
The likelihood of relapse can be as high as 60 percent. Staying sober is a lifetime battle. What makes you think anything will be different?
That horrible voice taunted me with statistics and facts, reminding me of the likelihood that Maxx was indeed headed back down a dark path.
We had been back together for such a short time. I hated how quickly our respite had faded.
Suspicion was poisonous. It tainted everything.
I had experienced it once before, and I had sworn when I decided to try with Maxx again that it was a fixation I wasn’t willing to reacquaint myself with.
Truthfully, Maxx had done nothing to warrant my wariness. He continued to work at the Coffee Jerk and look for other employment options. I hadn’t seen anything to make me think he was using again.
So why the twinges of apprehension when we were together? I had convinced myself that my instinct was impaired. I needed to learn to trust him. To not question everything he said and did. But forgetting our painful past was hard.
Particularly as I headed to Dr. Lowell’s office for my weekly progress meeting. I hadn’t yet told her about Maxx, but I knew that I couldn’t put it off any longer.
Today might very well change the rest of my life.
“Hi, Aubrey! Have a seat.” Dr. Lowell waved her hand at me and I walked inside, dropping my bag onto the floor.
I handed her my signed slip from Dr. Jones, my Boundaries and Ethics professor.
Dr. Lowell checked it off and put it in my file on her desk. She crossed her hands over the folder and gave me a smile.
“I went to visit my parents a couple of weekends ago.” I don’t know why I felt the need to tell her this. Only that she had always been such an easy person to confide in. “I feel like we’ve been able to deal with Jayme’s death and move forward as a family. Finally.”
Dr. Lowell’s smile broadened. “That’s wonderful, Aubrey. I’m seeing a lot of positive steps forward for you, which pleases me immensely. I think we are definitely able to start talking about next semester and how to reestablish your place in the program.”
This was it. My moment of truth. I froze momentarily, unable to say anything.
Dr. Lowell looked proud, an expression I hadn’t seen on her face directed at me in a while. She was handing me back the keys to my chosen kingdom. I had proven myself in her eyes, and she was willing to take me back into the fold.
But I couldn’t enjoy the victory, because it was laced with lies.
“Why did you want to be a counselor, Dr. Lowell?” I asked her. She looked startled by my question.
“Hmm. Well, I suppose it was for the same reasons as you, to help people,” she answered.
“Did you ever think that maybe it was a mistake? That you were traveling down the wrong path?” I continued, not entirely sure where I was going with this conversation but knowing I had some things to say before I chickened out.
Dr. Lowell sat back in her chair and seemed to think about what I was asking her. “No, Aubrey, I didn’t. I’ve always known that this was my purpose in life. But it’s totally normal to have doubts. It’s part of growing up,” she said, with kind and understanding eyes.
“I get that most people waver in their path from time to time, but for me, after everything, I’ve really been thinking if perhaps this all happened because I’m not meant to be an addictions counselor. That maybe I’ve gone into this for all the wrong reasons.”
“Where is this coming from, Aubrey? If you need more time before coming back into the program—”
“It’s not that, Dr. Lowell. When I was in high school I planned to go to college to become a teacher.
It was my dream. Then my sister died and all of that changed and I became sort of obsessed with helping others the way I felt I had failed her.
My old dreams faded under my guilt. And then I met Maxx. ” I paused and took a breath.
“And I realized that there was more out there than these so-called plans I had.” I looked at my favorite professor. “Have you ever met someone who makes you question everything?”
Dr. Lowell frowned. “I’m confused, Aubrey. Are you telling me you don’t want to be in the counseling program anymore?”
I bit on my lip and prepared myself to take the most significant step of my entire life. “Maxx Demelo and I are seeing each other again,” I said, and watched Dr. Lowell’s swift intake of breath and narrowing eyes.
“Aubrey—” she began, warning clear in her tone, but I cut her off.
“And I understand that this will impact my chances of reentering the counseling program. I thought I’d be more upset by this than I am.
When I really thought about giving up on being a counselor, I found that I wasn’t quite as devastated as I should be in giving up my dream.
Because I realized it was never really my dream to begin with. ”
I sat up a little straighter and looked Dr. Lowell in the eye. “It was my attempt to fix myself, but that’s not a reason to go into a profession whose aim is to help others. I think it’s time that I follow dreams that will make me happy, not remind me of my pain.”
Dr. Lowell looked at a loss for words, which was a first. She seemed flustered and tapped her pen against her coffee cup several times before responding.
“I can’t say I’m not disappointed, Aubrey, because I am. I’m worried that you are making decisions based on a relationship that has already proven destructive and inappropriate.”
I understood her concerns. But they were far from the truth.
“This has nothing to do with Maxx, actually. This decision, this choice, has to do with me. I’ve got to stop letting my past influence my future.”
Dr. Lowell took a drink of coffee and sat quietly for a time.
“You do understand that by changing your major this late in the game, it will affect your graduation date. I’m not sure how you will graduate with your class,” she said, sounding tired and maybe a little sad.
“I understand. I also understand that I’d have to find a new adviser in the education department.”
Dr. Lowell nodded. “Yes, you would,” she agreed.
We were both quiet for a time. This was a major turning point, and I felt a brief hesitation. What if I was making a huge mistake? Was I really doing this?
Yes. I was.
“I want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. When I came here as a freshman, I was lost and floundering. You gave me something to tether myself to. This program gave me a purpose for a little while, and for that I will always be grateful.”
Dr. Lowell got to her feet and came around from behind her desk. Before I realized it, my mentor, my favorite professor, was enveloping me in a hug.
“You’re an amazing young woman, Aubrey. I hope you always remember that.”
It felt like the end of an era. It was terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time.
For the first time in years, I was okay with not knowing what the next step would be. When I looked into my future, I didn’t see school and career.
I only saw Maxx.
He was my new dream.
And for that moment I did trust him. I believed in him. In us.
I just hoped I wouldn’t be proven wrong about him again.
“Can I come over? I’ve got something for you,” I said to Maxx. It was Saturday, and I had hoped to spend the day with him.
I had called him to tell him about my meeting yesterday. He was supportive and just as enthusiastic as I was about the change.
“I think it’s a great opportunity for you. And we don’t have to sneak around, double bonus,” he enthused after I told him.
“Yeah, it’s kind of scary, but I think it’s the right move for me,” I said.
I felt a little sick when I thought about having to essentially start back at the beginning, but I knew that if I had continued on the counseling track I would have been doing it for the worst possible reasons.
My career shouldn’t be about proving myself.
It should be chosen because it makes me happy and fulfilled.
And if I was truly honest with myself, counseling never made me feel either of those things. It had been about running from my past and making up for things that, now that I was thinking outside of the thick cloud of grief, were never really my fault to begin with.
Jayme’s death wasn’t my fault. It had taken me entirely too long to realize that.
The guilt, the shame, every snarled, tangled emotion that had weighed me down for the last three years, had slowly been dissipating.
I stared at the framed picture in my hands and grinned. I had discreetly taken Maxx’s photo of his family from its spot at the back of his drawer. I had taken it downtown and gotten it framed.
After confronting my parental demons, I felt it was time for Maxx to do the same. He needed to see that his memories of his parents weren’t something that he needed to hide away.
“Oh yeah? What is it?” he asked, sounding distracted.
“It’s a surprise,” I teased, annoyed by his lack of attention.
“I’d love to see you, but I can’t tonight.”
“Why not?” I asked, hearing the accusation in my tone.
“I’m going out to see Landon for a little while,” he said, and I relaxed.
“I’m glad you guys are talking again,” I said. I knew that Maxx was working hard to repair his relationship with his brother. If they were spending time together, then he was getting somewhere.
“Yeah, well, I’d better get going.” He sounded sort of dismissive, but I chalked it up to his thinking about his evening with his brother.
That was all it could be.
Right?
“Okay, then,” I said, a little disappointed. I put the framed picture in my bedside drawer.
“I’ll come by in the morning to see you before heading into work. You can give me my surprise then,” Maxx suggested.
“Okay, sounds good. Have fun tonight.”
“I love you, Aubrey. Everything I do is for you. You know that, right?” Why was he asking me this? His question bothered me.
“Yeah, I know that. But I hope you’re doing it for you too,” I couldn’t help but say.
“I love you,” he repeated.
“I love you, too.”
I hung up the phone strangely disquieted. I pushed the feeling aside and walked out into the living room, an evening of nothing spread out before me.
I saw that Renee was also on the phone, a smile on her face. “I’ll see you in a little bit, then,” she was saying, and I tried not to eavesdrop, but I was nosy.
She hung up the phone, and I scurried to the kitchen.
“I see you, Aubrey,” Renee called out, following me.
I grabbed a glass and filled it with water, trying to act nonchalant. Renee entered the kitchen and gave me a pointed look, arching an eyebrow. “You want to know who I was talking to just now. Admit it.”
“I’ll admit no such thing,” I said, lifting my chin.
“I was talking to Iain,” Renee said, grabbing her own glass and filling it with orange juice.
Her answer surprised me. “Iain? I thought you had nixed that.”
“Yeah, well, everyone has a change of heart now and then,” she said blandly.
I emptied the rest of my water into the sink and turned to my blasé roommate. “What brought this on?” I asked.
“Don’t act like you don’t have your own ideas,” Renee said.
“Devon?” I asked, and Renee nodded.
“Let’s just say I realized the error of my ways and smartened up before I made an even bigger mess of things.” She looked sadly resigned.
“Does this have to do with what happened at the coffee shop?” I asked. Renee had never talked about the day her ex had stood outside the window and the ensuing argument.
Renee leaned back against the cabinets, closing her eyes briefly before looking at me with a ferocity that shocked me. “I was a stupid, stupid girl. I thought love could fix a man like that. I was wrong. So fucking wrong. I let myself slip, Aubrey. And do you know what happened?”
“What?” I asked.
“He proved that he was the same asshole he always was. He won’t change. I’m not sure he can. But I’m not going to be the girl to wait around and find out.” She seemed so sure, so firm. I was happy to see it, but something bothered me.
“What exactly happened, Renee?”
Renee rubbed at a spot in the middle of her forehead. “His anger is an issue, Aubrey. It always has been. His jealousy is out of control. I thought he was different. He promised me that he was. But I found out very quickly that it was a lie. We were the lie.”
“But what about Iain?”
Renee shrugged. “I like Iain. He’s sweet, considerate, gentle. The complete opposite of Devon in every single way. And most importantly, he doesn’t make my heart hurt for loving him. Because that will never happen again.”
“I’m sorry, Renee,” I said quietly.
She gave me a wan smile and straightened her shoulders. “Don’t be. It was a lesson I had to learn all over again, I suppose. But I can tell you one thing, I’m not letting my heart do the talking ever again.”
She seemed so resolute. So sure her heart had led her astray. “Your heart won’t always be wrong,” I told her softly.
I thought my heart had loved the wrong person. But instead, it had led me home.