Chapter 11 Think of Me
“GOOD EVENING AND welcome to your favorite program, Follow My Voice . This is your friend and companion Kang speaking.”
I’m feeding my neighbor’s puppies, so my phone is in my pocket and I have my headphones on.
“It’s a nice, cool Monday night. You might need to bundle up a bit with a light jacket. I’m loving this drop in temperature so much that I’ve got a hot chocolate right here next to me, and it’s really hitting the spot.”
I smile; I love hot chocolate.
“Tonight’s theme was chosen by you, our dear listeners, throughout the day today by voting on our X feed.”
Donky, one of the puppies, licks my hand and it tickles.
“Out of several options, the winning topic is unrequited love. I was surprised that option won out, but I find it very interesting.”
“Unrequited love, huh?” I rub Donky’s neck. “Our love is not unrequited, Donky.” The puppy sticks out his tongue and licks me. “Our love is pure and true. You and Sappy”—I pet the other puppy—“are my Prince Charmings.” Sappy lets out a little bark, and they both melt my heart.
“Apparently, some of our listeners know what it’s like to experience unrequited love, maybe because they fell in love with someone who’s famous, out of reach, already taken, or unavailable due to other circumstances that made it impossible to be with them.
Like Shakespeare’s Romeo and Rosaline in Romeo and Juliet or Heathcliff and Cathy in Bronte’s Wuthering Heights , two of the most impossible loves in literature. ”
Romeo and Rosaline.
Heathcliff and Cathy.
Kang and Klara.
What am I thinking? I shake my head to banish these crazy thoughts.
“I think the only advice I can give is, if circumstances won’t allow you to be with a certain person, you need to let them go.
I think by holding on to the impossible, you’re wasting time and you may miss the opportunity to find someone you can truly be happy with.
You may be letting a greater, more possible love slip away before your very eyes.
As Benvolio tells Romeo, ‘Forget to think of her… Examine other beauties.’?”
This is the first time I’ve heard Kang sound a bit negative, although it’s practical advice . Have you ever had an impossible love, Kang? But he said the other day on the show that he has never been in love.
“I have to admit that I haven’t been entirely honest with you, folks.”
That gets my attention. I sit down.
“The other day I told you that I’d never been in love, but that’s not true. My first love was an unrequited love.”
I don’t know why it makes me uncomfortable to hear that.
“She was in love with someone else, so yes, I know how it feels, and I can tell you from firsthand experience that it’s better to let that person go and move on.”
It sounds to me as if he hasn’t fully gotten over her. And it hurts. It shouldn’t—Kang is just a radio host whom I like to listen to and whom I’ve exchanged a few text messages with. It shouldn’t bother me that he has feelings for someone else. But it does.
Kang introduces the next song, while I keep turning his words over in my mind.
I need to forget about it; it’s none of my business, I shouldn’t care.
Part of me is a little sad that he hasn’t texted today, but he’s under no obligation to do so.
Besides, if I want to talk to him, I could write to him myself. But I won’t; I’m not brave enough.
I’m putting water out for the puppies when the song ends and Kang speaks again: “Let’s continue with our theme for today.
I’d like to share a quote that reads, ‘The worst way to miss someone is to have them sitting right next to you and know that you can never have them.’ This line is by the incredible Gabriel García Márquez.
What do you think? I agree that the most painful of all unrequited loves are the ones in which a person has to share their daily life with someone they long to be with but can’t.
Have you experienced anything like that? Share your thoughts with us.”
Kang says he’s going to read messages from listeners and first up is Liliana. “Liliana left us a message today. She says, ‘Dear Kang, you are my unrequited love.’?”
My jaw almost drops to the floor. Really?!
Kang laughs. “I don’t think I’m anyone’s unrequited love, Liliana, but I’m flattered.”
What if Liliana piques Kang’s curiosity and he decides to text her? I’m sure that, unlike me, she wouldn’t hesitate for a second to initiate a conversation with him. I don’t care , I tell myself.
When the show ends, I reluctantly take off my headphones. If it weren’t for Donky and Sappy, I’d be in a bad mood. But these adorable puppies are a source of calm.
A few minutes later, Paula comes to get them and I cuddle them each one last time before she takes the pups home. As I say goodbye and close the door, my phone vibrates. Excited, I quickly open the message.
Kamila: Andy and I are getting dinner out, we’ll be back in a few hours.
I’m disappointed. Kang is not going to message me.
I take a shower to pass the time, enjoying the hot water washing over me as I think about my first day of college and what classes I will take.
But, as I’m rinsing my hair, my chest constricts.
I try to take a deep breath, but I can’t.
It feels like I have something lodged in my throat, preventing me from breathing.
Fear courses through my veins, my heart races, my arms and legs begin to go numb.
I can’t breathe. I’m alone. There’s no one here to help me .
Heat spreads to my face and now I’m suffocating. I turn off the water, wrap a towel around my body, and step out of the shower.
I’m going to die. No. No.
I pick up my phone, but my hands are shaking so badly that I can barely see the screen as I struggle to call Kamila. Before my sister has a chance to say anything, I pant desperately into the phone: “I… can’t… breathe.”
“K?”
Kang’s voice on the other end of the line takes me by complete surprise. “I…”
“K? Are you all right?”
“No… I…” Tears flood my eyes. “I’m scared… I can’t breathe.”
“Why? Are you sick? What’s the matter?”
“I…” I’m short of breath. “I… panic attack.” My speech is incoherent. “Do you know what that is…? I… My chest hurts.”
“I do know what a panic attack is.” Kang’s voice becomes softer. “It’s going to pass, K. I’ll stay with you until it does.”
“I’m so scared…” My voice breaks. I don’t know why I’m telling Kang this, but he’s the only person I have and his voice in my ear is soothing.
“I’m here with you, K. You’ll feel better soon, you’ll see.”
Thick tears roll down my cheeks. “I can’t breathe.”
“Yes, you can, K. What you’re feeling right now is going to pass and you’re going to feel good again.”
“No! That’s not true. I think I’m having a heart attack.”
“That’s not going to happen, I promise. I’m right here, K.
I’ll help you through this. Try to breathe with me, think of something else while this panic attack passes…
Do you realize the leaves will start changing colors soon?
Don’t you love the way the wind blows them gently from the branches, how they dance in the air until they reach the ground?
” There’s something about how he says his words that I find calming.
My chest rises and falls rapidly as I listen to him.
He keeps speaking. “I want you to think about the fall, K. Close your eyes. I want you to remember how the colorful autumn leaves float softly to the ground… Are you visualizing it?”
I close my eyes. “Yes.”
“Now, every time you see a leaf fall, take a deep breath… Remember that you’re the one imagining it and the leaves can fall at whatever pace you need them to.”
I listen to him and follow his advice. After a while, I don’t know how long, the panic attack, little by little, begins to dissipate and my breathing returns to normal.
“Kang.”
“That’s the first time you’ve said my name—I like the way it sounds when you say it. You have a very nice voice, K.”
My heart is still beating quickly, but at least I can breathe now. “I… I don’t know what to say…”
“You don’t have to say anything. Are you feeling better?”
“Yes, thank you… for… You must think I’m…”
“Stop. I’m glad I could help.”
“Really, thank you. I must have dialed your number by mistake, but you helped me so much. Thank you.”
Kang sighs. “I’m glad you made that mistake, then.”
“Why?”
“Because I got to hear your voice. I think it’s only fair since you’ve heard mine so many times.”
“My voice is nothing special.”
“I disagree. It’s nice and kind of growing on me, K.”
Now that the fog of the panic attack has lifted, it hits me that I’m talking to Kang on the phone and I begin to feel nervous. “I should go.”
“Okay, get some rest. If you feel bad again, you can call me by mistake anytime.”
I feel a familiar tingling in my stomach. “Okay. Good night, Kang.”
“Good night, K,” he whispers, and I feel the tingling intensify. “Oh, and K?”
“Yes?”
“Thanks for letting me follow your voice,” he says, before hanging up.