Chapter 13 Lift Me Up
KANG DOES NOT give up.
I thought he would get tired of waiting for me to reply and stop sending messages, but two days have gone by and his texts are still coming steadily.
Kang: Good morning, K.
I stare at the chat thread, scrolling up and down with my thumb on the screen.
I’m sitting on the bed with a pillow on my lap.
Yesterday, as much as I loved reading Kang’s messages, I couldn’t bring myself to respond.
The cruel voice inside my head began taunting me every time I even considered it: You’re going to write back?
Really? You think a guy like him wants to get mixed up with someone who has as many problems as you?
I recall my last conversation with Dr. B.
“And what have we said about those kinds of thoughts?”
“They are not facts, they are beliefs rooted in fear.”
I take a deep breath and process those thoughts. There is no evidence he is sending those messages out of pity. Kang may just be curious about me.
I have to make more of an effort. I can do it. I’ve been eating better, trying to find my way back to the path I’d charted with my life before everything that happened.
The doorbell rings and I know who it is. I stand up, feeling almost cheerful.
You can do this, Klara , I say to myself.
I open the door for our next-door neighbor Paula, carrying a puppy in each hand.
“Good morning, Klarita.” Paula is a woman in her forties exuding elegance and style. Her makeup is always flawless and her hair is high in a perfect ponytail. She has never married; her dog, Drew, and now these puppies are her family. “Donky and Sappy have really missed you.”
I smile. “I missed them, too.”
“Great choice today. I love the purple; it’s your color.”
“Andy likes the pink.”
“Andy doesn’t know the first thing about style.” Paula hands me the puppies and, after saying goodbye, I close the door and put them down.
Sappy and Donky hop around happily, wagging their tails so fast I can barely see them.
I kneel down to meet them at semi–eye level.
“I guess it’s true. You really did miss me, huh, you silly doggies!
” Sappy barks and licks my hand while Donky climbs into my lap and starts licking my chin.
Immediately, I feel better; these puppies are like magic.
Their love is unconditional, no matter my faults, no matter my weaknesses.
I feel a knot forming in my throat. “I missed you little guys, too. I…” I swallow.
“I had a little setback, but I’m getting better now. ”
Donky tilts his head to one side and stares at me. “You guys are going to help me, aren’t you?” I wipe away a tear. “Of course you’re going to help me.”
Donky barks and pushes his little head against my chest, making me smile.
“I wish everyone was like you. So loving, never judging.”
I spend all day playing with Donky and Sappy. I feed them, take them out into the yard for a while to relieve themselves, and then sit on the couch with them. Through the double windows in the living room, I watch as it begins to rain.
The rain falls harder and it feels like a cruel joke, because it was raining just like this the day my mother told us she had cancer. And it was raining just like this the day of my mother’s funeral.
My clothes are soaked, and my wet hair sticks to the sides of my face. My lips tremble from the cold and tears mingle with the rain pouring down on me.
“I’m so sorry, Klara.”
“Sorry for your loss.”
“Your mother was a great woman.”
“She made the most delicious cakes.”
“You’ll get through this.”
Everyone is talking all around me, but I can’t hear anyone. A pair of arms guides me and hands squeeze my shoulder comfortingly, but I can’t feel them. Why? Have I died along with you, Mom? Or is it that you’re the only one capable of comforting me now?
The people dressed in black are beginning to disperse, time goes by, but still, I can’t feel anything. An umbrella appears above my head. I don’t know who’s holding it until I hear Kamila’s voice. “Klara, it’s time to go.”
My eyes are still fixed on the dirt that covers my mother’s grave.
Kamila squeezes my shoulder. “Klara, are you listening to me? You’re going to catch a cold. Let’s go home.”
Home…
How can we still call it home when Mom will no longer be there, when I will no longer be able to smell the cakes she bakes or hear her laughter, so loud it could be heard from several houses away?
Kamila tugs at my arm, but I refuse to budge.
“No,” I whisper through my wet, shivering lips. “We can’t leave her alone, Kamila, it’s too cold.”
“Klara…” My sister’s voice is broken.
“My jacket…” I start to take off my coat. “She needs it, she must be so cold.”
Kamila tries to stop me. “Klara, no, don’t.”
I push her away and kneel down to place my jacket over the fresh earth that has swallowed my mother.
“That’s better, Mom. Now you won’t be so cold.
I’m not going to leave you alone, don’t worry.
” I press the jacket into the dirt. “I won’t leave you alone, Mom.
You always told me that you hated being alone and that’s why you had two daughters.
You told me that, because you were an only child, you never had anyone to play with.
And I know how you always hated the rain.
I’m here, I won’t leave you alone with this rain and this cold. ”
I hear Kamila sobbing behind me.
“I love you so much, Mom.” My eyes are blurred with tears. “How could I leave you here all alone? How could I?” I say hoarsely, still crying and pressing my jacket to the ground.
“How can I go on without you?”
Strong arms pull me up, forcing me to stand.
“No.” I try to break free. “No…”
Andy does not loosen his grip, now pulling me away.
“No, Andy, no. We can’t leave her alone in the rain.”
Kamila turns my head so that I’m looking at her.
Her face is red and her eyes are swollen from crying.
“Klara”—she holds my face between her hands—“we have to go. Remember what Mom said, that she’ll always be with us as long as we keep her here.
” She places a hand over my heart. “She’ll never be alone; she’ll always be with us. ”
My lips tremble, and I keep trying to free myself. “I don’t want to leave her. It’s raining so hard. I’m not going to leave her like this.”
“Mom will not be alone.”
“I’ll stay with her until it stops raining,” Andy says, and his voice suddenly reminds me that he’s still there. “Go home and get some rest. I’ll keep your mother company, okay?”
“You promise?” I ask. “Promise you won’t leave her alone as long as it keeps raining? She doesn’t like the rain.”
Andy nods.
“I promise you, honey. Now go home.”
Two tears slide down my cheeks as I remember that moment. The rain is still pounding against the window.
I miss you so much, Mom. I’m sorry I haven’t been able to visit your grave. I wish I could go out whenever I want to… But I’m trying, Mom. For you, for Kamila, for Andy, for me. I’m trying my best to be able to visit you whenever I want, to keep you company on rainy days like this.
I wipe my tears, careful not to move too much since Sappy and Donky are asleep on top of me.
And then the phone vibrates in my pocket and I carefully pull it out to check the message:
Kang: Nice weather we’re having today. It’s strange how I love the snow, but hate the rain.
No, it is not strange, I want to say; I feel the same way. Another message comes in.
Kang: I miss your voice, K.
Kang: The show’s about to start. Will you be listening tonight?
My heart skips a beat. I hesitate for a few seconds and stand up slowly so as not to wake the puppies. I find my headphones and put them on. Back on the couch, I anxiously tune into the program, because I’ve also missed the sound of his voice, so much.
“Good evening, folks. Welcome to tonight’s evening program, Follow My Voice . This is Kang, your host and faithful companion during this hour.”
And there, for the first time in days, with the puppies beside me, listening to the show, I feel truly motivated to get back on my road to healing, picking up right where I was before the last anxiety attack.
I smile, happiness warming my heart, reactivated, ready to feel again.