Chapter 19 Face Me
I DON’T KNOW what to do.
I pace back and forth across the bathroom, trying not to panic, though I’m not sure I’m succeeding.
Kang is out there, waiting for me, and this bathroom doesn’t even have a window I can use to escape like in the movies.
I can’t let him see me. From everything he just said, it’s clear that he has very high expectations of me and I don’t want to let him down.
I want him to go on thinking I’m worth talking to; I want him to keep being interested in me.
I don’t want him to see the reality of what I am and be disappointed.
Think, Klara, think .
I’m still trying to decide what to do when I hear Ms. Romes’s voice outside the bathroom. “You can’t be here, Kang. For safety reasons, all students must remain in the interior hallway.”
“Okay, but there’s a girl in the bathroom—she needs to come back, too, doesn’t she?” he replies.
“Well, a moment ago it seemed to me that she was running away from you. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
“She wasn’t running away from me.”
“That’s not what it looked like. Klara is new here and she might need a little time to adjust. Why don’t you go back to the hall by yourself for now?”
“No.”
“Kang, I’m not asking, I’m telling you. Go.”
“Fine.”
I hear what I assume to be Kang’s footsteps walking away, and then Ms. Romes’s voice. “Klara, you can come out now; he’s gone.”
I poke my head through the doorway to make sure she’s alone before I step out of the bathroom. “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. You have to return to the hallway, too.”
“I can’t.”
“I don’t understand what’s going on, but I need you to go back with the rest of the students; student safety is my priority right now.”
The wind howls outside as incredible amounts of rain lash the roof.
With my heart in my throat and my hood pulled as low as it will go to hide my face, I return to the hallway, trying to stay behind Ms. Romes.
The lights are still out and I’m grateful for the cover of darkness.
I know that, if I sit back down next to Perla, Kang will find me.
So, instead, I take a seat toward the front end of the hall, far from Perla and Kang. Ms. Romes says nothing and moves on.
Taking a deep breath, I relax my tensed-up shoulders. I know I’m being a coward, but I can’t let him see me, at least not today. I’m not ready; I’m not brave enough yet.
I try to distract myself from these impeding thoughts by focusing on breathing exercises, when my phone alerts me to an incoming text, and I’m grateful to be sitting so far away from Kang.
Kang: Why did you run away from me?
I sigh and respond.
Me: I didn’t run away, it’s complicated.
I get another message, expecting it to be Kang’s reply, but it’s from Perla.
Perla: What happened to you? Where did you go?
I turn around, dim the brightness on my phone’s screen to be cautious, and strain my eyes through the darkness to see where Perla’s sitting, still in the same place as before. I reply, saying that I’ll explain later, and read the new message from Kang that just came in.
Kang: You don’t want to meet me, Klara?
Me: It’s not that.
Kang: So, what is it then? I’m dying to meet you but I feel like I’m the only one.
Me: No, it’s not like that. I want to meet you, too.
Kang: I’m right here, Klara, within reach.
Me: It’s just unexpected, Kang, that’s all.
Kang: You never intended for us to meet in person, did you?
He’s right, but not for the reasons he thinks. I stare at the screen, unsure how to respond, but Kang sends another text before I have the chance.
Kang: It’s crystal clear. Don’t worry. I won’t bother you anymore.
I feel a tightness in my chest. His words sound like a goodbye and I don’t want that, but I also don’t know if I’m ready to let him see me. I’ve handled starting college pretty well, but I’m not sure I’m prepared to deal with much more than that right now.
As I’m contemplating what to do, I hear footsteps and see Kang and Erick coming down my way, toward the exit.
“Let’s sit somewhere else—I’m over this bullshit,” Kang says as they walk past me without even looking in my direction.
His words are so cold they burn. He sounds angry, and I understand.
I replay what he said in my mind: “I can’t believe I found you.
You don’t know how many times I’ve imagined seeing you, pictured your expressions.
I’ve been dying to put a face to your name, Klara with a K—the girl I haven’t stopped thinking about since the first time I talked to her.
” He seemed so excited and now he’s so disappointed that I didn’t react the way he expected, that I don’t seem as interested in him as he is in me.
I am, Kang, but I don’t know how to prove it to you without agreeing to meet .
I know that if Kang knew my situation, what I’ve been through, he would understand my reluctance. But I haven’t told him, so of course he feels rejected.
I look down the hall and see that he and Erick have stopped at the end.
You have to face him, Klara. Once he meets you, he’ll understand that you’re not good enough for him and he’ll move on. It’ll be better that way. It will hurt, but you can handle the pain; you’ve been through worse.
I stand up and walk to the opposite side to where Kang just sat down.
I follow the campus map I received on day one and head to the door that connects to the Harold Collins Building, then stop outside the auditorium.
With my back against the wall, I take out my phone and, before I have a chance to regret it, I text Kang.
Me: Come to the auditorium.
I’m shaking. I slip my phone back in my pocket and try to slow my breathing. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, but I can’t let Kang think that I don’t care about him at all. It’s better to get it over with, to just let him meet me and be disappointed.
A couple minutes later, Kang appears, standing a few feet away from me, and I stop breathing.
His black eyes meet mine as he walks toward me with his hands in his pockets.
His expression is neutral as he stops in front of me, openly searching my face.
I want to say something, but no words come.
Kang is here, standing in front of me, and suddenly I remember all the times I’ve heard him on the radio.
His usual greeting: “Good evening, folks. This is Kang, your friend and companion for this evening’s radio program, Follow My Voice .
” I remember the sound of his laughter, his messages, his voice, the entire journey that has brought us together in this moment.
“Hello,” I murmur, so softly that I doubt he can hear me.
Kang smiles and those dimples appear on his cheeks. “Hello, Klara.”