Chapter 30 Welcome Me
HAVE PARTIES ALWAYS been this loud?
I cover my ears as we enter the house full of college kids.
The place is large and packed with people.
My heart is racing and my breath comes fast; I’m not prepared to deal with a social event like this, still a little nervous after the panic attack I had at the soccer field.
I tried to get out of it, but Perla insisted she would stay with me at all times.
The fact that I’m here with Kang doesn’t help matters, either.
I’ve made up my mind to push my feelings for him aside.
I don’t want to go through what Perla did, mistaking his kindness for something more.
After riding next to him in the car, however, I realize how much harder it is to ignore your feelings for someone when they’re sitting right beside you.
I follow Perla to an empty corner of the living room and Diego and Kang stop beside us.
“Would you like a drink?” Diego shouts so that we can hear him over the music.
Perla nods. She looks at me, but I shake my head. Mixing alcohol and antidepressants is never a good idea, or so I’ve been warned multiple times by Dr. B. and my sister—as if I’ve ever had a drink in my life. Diego then looks to Kang, who also shakes his head.
Diego grabs Perla by the arm and I watch in panic as he pulls her away through the crowd, leaving me alone with Kang.
So much for not leaving my side. My heart beats even more wildly, something I didn’t think possible.
I glance around the room, trying not to look at him, frowning over the volume of the music.
I can feel Kang’s eyes on me, and I swallow.
He leans toward me and his breath tickles my skin, sending a tingling sensation all through my body that settles deep in my stomach.
“Do you want to go somewhere less noisy?” That voice I’ve adored since the first time I heard it now whispers in my ear. It’s almost too much to take.
I turn my head toward him, a mistake: Kang is still leaning over me, so his face is now just inches from mine, a hungry look in his eyes.
I take a step back and feel my cheeks begin to burn.
Kang offers me his hand and I take it, enjoying the sensation of this simple, yet intimate contact.
I follow him through the crowd to the kitchen.
Someone has brought a thermos of hot chocolate and Kang fills a cup, checks that it isn’t spiked, and hands it to me before pouring one for himself.
He then guides me upstairs. I’m reminded of so many movies where couples leave a party to find a place where they can have privacy, but I know Kang isn’t that kind of guy.
Besides, that’s for people who both want to be more than friends.
We walk down many hallways—this place is like some kind of labyrinth—before we finally stop in front of a pair of double doors and Kang drops my hand to open them.
I’m hit by the chilly night air as I step outside.
It’s a spacious balcony with decorative lights coiled like snakes around the white railing.
The view over the backyard is beautiful, with the whole town framed in the distance.
Tall trees sway gently in the breeze. Kang walks to the railing, resting his hand on it as he takes in the scenery with his back to me.
I bring my cup to my lips and feel the heat coming from it as I inhale the sweet aroma of hot chocolate.
“Sorry about the game,” I say, wanting to break the silence.
“It’s okay… it wasn’t meant to be. Besides, there’s other things to look forward to.”
“Oh, yeah, like what?”
“It’s going to snow soon,” Kang says, turning to look at me over his shoulder.
“You’re crazy, it’s not even winter yet.”
“I have a feeling.”
I smile. “Of course you do.”
Our eyes meet and we hold the gaze for a moment. I am acutely aware of the fact that we’re alone. I try to calm myself. This is not the first time we’ve been alone; it’s perfectly normal to be alone with a friend.
Kang turns his body toward me and raises his cup in a toast, flashing those dimples I love so much.
And then I realize something: Kang is very special to me.
His radio show helped me through a very difficult time; he talked me down when I was having a panic attack; he offered me his guidance as soon as he found out we were at the same college; and he’s done a lot to help me get back into the world.
Why should I question his reasons for it?
He’s a good person, and he doesn’t have to explain himself for wanting to help me.
Having my crush like me back isn’t the most important thing in the world.
My life has never revolved around guys; I’ve overcome pain much more intense than heartache.
I’m grateful to have met people like Kang, Perla, and Diego, the first friends I’ve had in a long time.
I’m proud to have overcome a panic attack on my own for the first time; to be navigating college somewhat successfully; to have attended my first soccer game; and to be here now, at my first college party, after everything I’ve been through.
These accomplishments buoy my confidence.
So, with a big smile, I walk over and raise my cup. “To health, Kang.”
We tap our cups together and sip our drinks. The hot chocolate slides down my throat, warming me from the inside.
Having come to terms with what we are, I decide to stand next to Kang to enjoy the view.
“So nice and quiet out here, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, I really didn’t expect parties to be this loud,” I answer.
“You make it sound like it’s your first party.”
“It is,” I admit with a shy smile.
“You haven’t missed much,” he says.
I turn and lean against the railing.
“If you say so, I believe you,” I answer, and before he can respond, I add, “Bat-Kang.”
He cocks an eyebrow. “Bat-Kang?”
“Don’t think I’ve forgotten about your nocturnal escapades on Fourteenth Street, Bat-Kang.”
He presses his lips together, repressing a smile. “I have to give you points for originality. Anyway, just so you know, the Batman mask looks great on me.”
“I don’t doubt it,” I say before I have time to think. I grimace in embarrassment.
“Oh, really, you don’t doubt it?” He looks at me quizzically.
I straighten up and turn away to avoid his gaze. “As if you didn’t know…” I whisper.
“As if I didn’t know what?”
That you’re attractive. How hot those dimples are when you smile. How whatever you wear looks great on you.
I fall silent and take another sip of hot chocolate.
“Klara?”
“Beautiful view, isn’t it?”
I glance at Kang and see that he’s watching me intently, his eyes fixed on me as he answers. “It is.” His voice lowers as he adds, “Gorgeous.”
Silence. We stare into each other’s eyes, and I nervously start playing with the drawstring of my sweatshirt. Kang reaches his free hand toward me and pushes my hood off my head.
“You don’t need to hide from me.” His hand gently cups my face and I freeze. “I’ve already told you you’re beautiful.” He runs his thumb along my cheek. “I promise to cherish every layer you reveal to me, to be in awe of you as much as I am of your beauty. So stop hiding, Klara.”
My cheeks are burning, and that strange tingling in my belly is back.
These must be the famous butterflies everyone talks about.
Right now, with his eyes on mine, his hand on my cheek, my poor lovesick heart wants to start hoping; it all feels so intense and so real.
I struggle to focus as my brain and my heart begin to duke it out.
Brain: We’re friends, and friends can compliment each other, Klara. Don’t get carried away.
Heart: You don’t feel this way with a friend, that electricity when your eyes meet.
And as if life had conspired to make this moment even more perfect, snowflakes begin to fall, landing in Kang’s black hair, on his clothes. The first snowfall of the year, so early. This moment couldn’t be more perfect.
“Kang…” I don’t know why I say his name. I’m rooted to the spot; I don’t want this moment to end.
“Klara.”
He opens his mouth to say something else, but closes it, hesitating.
What do you want to say, Kang?
He takes a step toward me, shrinking the space between us, our bodies almost touching, his hand still on my cheek.
I lift my head to look him in the eye, our faces just inches apart.
A snowflake dances between us and lands on Kang’s upper lip.
I reach up to brush it off, my index finger grazing his very kissable lips.
My mouth falls open. Kang closes his eyes at the contact, and when he opens them, the glint of longing in his gaze makes me want to melt.
His hand feels warm on my cheek, and it makes me wonder how it would feel to have it slide down my body while he kisses me.
Would he lose his breath and composure if he did?
Kang is always so calm and collected; I’m dying to see him lose control.
He probably looks so hot when he’s excited.
What am I doing?
Kang clears his throat, and I pull away from him before taking another sip of hot chocolate. I pretend to admire the scenery, trying to calm my breathing and my mind.
What was that?
Friends don’t have moments like that, do they?
My mind travels back to the afternoon I went to the cemetery with Diego. We were alone and we even hugged, but at no time did I feel what I do now with Kang. It was just a hug between friends.
“It’s snowing, let’s sit down.”
He guides me to a bench on the covered half of the balcony. I sit next to him, keeping a safe distance between us.
“So, umm… did you have fun at the game?”
“Yeah, you played so well; I’m sure you already know that, though.”
“Why is it that every time you give me a compliment, you assume it’s something I already know? Have you ever stopped to think that one compliment from you is much more important than the dozens I’ve received tonight?”
Why? I want to ask, but I can’t. His words have left me momentarily speechless. “I’m sorry,” I finally say. “You’re right.”
Silence falls between us but it’s not uncomfortable. We watch the light snow slowly falling and, when we finish our hot chocolates, we throw the disposable cups into a trash can beside the bench.
Kang sighs, stretches his long legs out in front of him, and shoves his hands into his pockets. He’s wearing a thick black sweatshirt that does not look warm enough for this cold, and matching black jeans.
He stares out at the snow, his thoughts elsewhere.
What are you thinking, Kang?
“My brother loved snow,” he murmurs, so softly that I can barely hear him.
Brother? Kang has never mentioned a brother before; he only talks about his younger sister.
“I never cared about playing in the snow, but he always insisted we go out and make a snowman. He was older than me, but when it snowed, Jung became a child again.” Kang has a melancholy smile on his lips.
Jung was …? It’s the first time I’ve seen such sadness in Kang’s eyes.
“Maybe that’s why I like the snow so much now, because it makes me feel close to him,” he says. Kang suddenly blinks as if coming back to reality. He looks at me. “Sorry, I got lost there for a minute.”
He stands up, pulling his hands out of his pockets, then runs his fingers through his hair. I stand with him and grab the edge of his sweater to turn him toward me.
Before I can think twice, I wrap my arms around his waist and hug him, burying the side of my face in his chest. “I’m sorry, Kang.”
He tenses but then puts his arms around me. He smells so good, like soap and cologne.
“I don’t know what happened to your brother, but I can hear the hurt in your voice. I’m sorry you went through something so painful.”
I hear Kang’s heart beating wildly. Does his heart beat like this for me? It can’t be…
Kang hugs me tightly, pressing me even closer against him, and I allow myself to enjoy the warmth of his body, just him and me, standing in the snow; I’ll worry about my unrequited love later.
Right now, all I care about is Kang.