Chapter 32 Confuse Me
IT’S AMAZING HOW much you can learn about a person by exchanging simple questions back and forth.
I find out that although Kang loves pop and rock music, his favorite genre is movie soundtracks, especially instrumental scores.
His passion for singing was born from making up his own words to the music he loved.
We sit on the bench under the covered part of the balcony. The snow is falling a little faster and the view is perfect. We’re facing each other, our knees almost touching; it feels very natural and comfortable.
“Your turn to ask a question.”
Kang hesitates for a second. His beautiful black eyes dance around, as if doubting whether to say what’s on his mind.
“Kang?”
“Favorite book?”
“That’s such a hard question… anything by Jane Austen, but if I had to choose, I guess I’d say Pride and Prejudice . Yours?”
“Is that why you asked me to quote something from Jane Austen?”
I smile cheekily. “Mmmm, maybe. Do you have something against her work?”
“Nope, it’s a good pick. As for mine, I’d have to say Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami.”
“I guess yours is a great pick, too. I see we do have literature in common.”
“I told you we did. Favorite kind of food?”
Something tells me that’s not what he really wanted to ask. “Italian. You?”
“Korean.”
“Of course!” I smile, feeling foolish. “Makes sense.” I wait for his next question.
“First boyfriend?”
It’s my turn to frown. My mouth falls open; I wasn’t expecting that one. “Uh…”
“Who was your first boyfriend?”
“Um… Well…” I can feel myself burning up with each passing second. “I don’t have one.”
“No, I was asking about your first boyfriend, not if you have one now,” he clarifies, undoubtedly noticing that my face has turned bright red.
“It’s just that… I’ve never…”
And then Kang understands. “Really? Wow, that’s hard to believe. You’re so…” He stops and bites his lips as he looks away.
“And you? First girlfriend?”
“Sixth grade,” he says, sounding embarrassed. “Her name was Ria. We held hands and then broke up after one week, but I thought she was the love of my life.” He laughs.
I chuckle at the sweet story. And then I don’t know if it’s because of how comfortable he’s made me feel or the fact that we’re already on the topic, but, unable to contain myself, I ask, “Do you have a girlfriend?”
“No.”
I feel idiotic as I notice a glimmer of hope spreading through my soul.
No, Klara; you were supposed to forget about your feelings for him and enjoy the friendship Kang is offering .
“Why don’t you have a girlfriend, Kang—are you in love with someone you can’t have?” I joke. “That’s impossible to believe, by the way.”
“Why?” He cocks his head and stares at me as if dying to hear my response.
“You’ve got so much going for you, you’re so…”
“Healthy?”
I smile, embarrassed. “I was hoping you wouldn’t remember that.”
“I already told you I don’t forget anything when it comes to you.”
Boom, boom, boom … My heart races even faster. Why does he have to say that kind of thing?
We stare into each other’s eyes for a second that feels endless.
My gaze drops to his mouth and, for the first time in my life, I’m curious about how it would feel to lean in and press my lips against someone else’s, especially ones that look so soft and moist. I shake my head and turn to look out at the snow.
Kang takes me by surprise with his next question, almost as if he was reading where my thoughts had gone. “First kiss?”
I swallow and bite the inside of my cheek without looking at him. “I haven’t had a boyfriend, so…” I leave the answer hanging in the air.
I feel Kang’s cold hand on my chin, turning my face back toward him. The moment our eyes meet, my breath hitches.
“I can’t believe these beautiful lips have never been kissed.” His thumb softly caresses my lips.
I don’t know what to say. I can’t even move.
I appreciate what he just said to me, but I also feel a little annoyed: Friends don’t say things like that to each other.
Friends don’t gently caress each other’s faces.
I’ve accepted that Kang only wants to help me and I’m trying to stop looking for romantic undertones in everything he says, but now he’s getting my hopes up, saying things that can be misinterpreted.
That leads me to wonder if he behaved this way with Perla, because that would explain why she got confused.
I put my hand over his and slowly move it away from my face.
He looks hurt.
“Kang…” I begin, knowing I can’t go on like this much longer, “I know that… you like to help people like me. Perla told me about it…”
Kang tenses.
“I want to thank you. You use your radio show to help people.” I take his hand in mine. “Thank you so much for everything you do; I feel lucky to have your friendship. And… I know you probably want to help me with my self-esteem, but you don’t have to take it so far.”
Kang shakes his head, looking extremely confused. “What are you talking about?”
“You don’t have to call me gorgeous, or tell me that my lips are beautiful, or touch my cheek to make feel better about myself. I know you’re just trying to help me and, well, I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but it’s confusing to me… I’m fine, promise.”
Kang frowns and releases his hand from between mine, standing up. I stand up, too. “You think I said those things just because I want to help you?”
“Didn’t you?”
He runs a hand through his hair, his back to me.
“Kang, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I just want to avoid misunderstandings. Perla told me…”
“Perla? What does she have to do with us?” He turns to me, waiting for an answer.
Us.
“She’s my friend and she told me that she mistook your kindness for something more and she fell for you…” I say, plucking up my courage. “I don’t want the same thing to happen to me.”
“Do you think this is how I talk to everyone? You think I go through life messing with girls’ heads, misleading them and then rejecting them? Is that what you think of me?”
“Kang…”
“Wow…” He turns his back to me again, his head in his hands.
I don’t understand why he’s so angry. More than angry, he seems hurt. He spins around and closes the distance between us in two strides. I step back, pressing my body against the house. Kang puts his hands on the wall on either side of me. I’m hemmed in by his arms.
He wets his lips before speaking, his black eyes sparkling.
“No, Klara, I’ve never said things like this to anyone else.
” He leans closer, and I feel my breath catch.
“I’ve helped plenty of people, some of them girls; I’ve talked to them through my radio show.
Perla was the only one I’d texted with before, and that was because there were things she couldn’t write into the show about, but I’ve never”—his voice sounds cold and serious—“I’ve never gotten as close with anyone as I have with you.
If I call you gorgeous, it’s because you are goddamn gorgeous; if I say that I like your smile, it’s because it takes my breath away and makes my heart pound; and if I tell you that you have beautiful lips, it’s because, the whole time we’ve been on this balcony, I’ve been dying to taste them. ”
Did I hear that right? My mind is spinning, trying to process what Kang just said.
Kang is so close I can feel the heat of his body against mine. His eyes rest on my lips and the longing in them is evident. He leans slowly toward me, as if he fears I’m going to push him away, but when I don’t, he keeps inching forward. I shut my eyes, feeling my heart in my throat.
And then his lips are on mine.
I tense and clench my fists at my sides.
His lips are as soft as I imagined they would be.
I don’t know what to do; I’ve never kissed anyone before and none of the TV dramas I’ve watched have prepared me for this.
I let him take control. He begins to move his lips against mine and I awkwardly try to keep up.
Kang leans his body against me, pressing my back to the wall as he tilts his head, kissing me so gently that a quiet ache stirs beneath my skin.
Maybe I’m not kissing him back in the most expert way, but just having his lips on mine is enough to make me feel like I’m on cloud nine.
I take his face in my hands and feel his smooth skin, something I’ve wanted to do ever since I met him.
Kang leans back and my breathing races erratically. I stand with my eyes closed for a few seconds, then open them to see Kang’s black eyes glowing out from the darkness. He smiles, dimples in his cheeks.
His voice is deep, full of emotion as he asks, “First kiss?”
I can’t help but chuckle nervously. “A guy named Kang.”