Chapter 44 Love Me
ROMANCE MOVIES HAVE lied to us.
How come the main character always makes it to the airport on time?
There is nothing romantic about driving in the cold of January and facing Charlotte’s traffic as soon as we come close to the city.
Finding parking is also a nightmare. I really don’t think we are going to make it.
The sun is gone, and the talent show has already started.
I’m crossing my fingers for Kang not to have played yet.
We reach the grass, and the PNC Music Pavilion is right in front of us: The amphitheater looks good, with purple lights and gold streamers hanging from the ceiling.
There is a band presenting their set and everyone is cheering for them.
There are lots of people here, and I push that realization out of my head because unfamiliar crowded places are still not a favorite for me.
We are working on it, I remind myself.
There is a board on the left side of the stage, and I look at the list of people presenting. When I find Kang’s name, I’m relieved that he still hasn’t played yet. There is another band after this one, and then it’s his turn.
We made it.
We move through the crowd until I’m standing against the wall in the front. I want him to see me. I want him to know I’m showing up for him despite my fears. Perla hugs me from behind and Ellie holds my hand.
It’s his turn. Kang walks on stage, guitar in hand, and stops in front of the microphone. His hair is messy around his face, and he looks a little pale. He’s nervous. No mask. I’m proud of him.
“Hello, I’m Kang, and I’ll be playing an original song I wrote for my brother.” His voice is not steady. He’s super nervous.
“Yes! Go Kang!” I scream as loud as I can.
His eyes fall on me immediately, and even though he seems shocked, his expression relaxes, his shoulders loosen. I nod and mouth “You can do this.” He smiles and focuses back on his guitar. A soft melody brings the whole place into silence, and he begins:
Leaves are falling, orange tints the sky,
The chilly breeze is here, and I’m holding my guitar.
Everything is the same, except you’re not here this time,
And every season that passes without you feels like a crime.
So many snow angels left for you to build,
So many dreams waiting to be fulfilled.
Life isn’t fair, and death isn’t much better.
Jung, I’ve written you songs and a million letters.
In hopes they will heal me,
In hopes they will mend me.
Losing someone you love is a pain that never leaves,
Never quavers, stays in constant grief.
But tonight, I’m healing and honoring you,
I’ll look for you in the snow angels, in the falling leaves, in the melody from the strum of my guitar.
No matter how much time passes, I hope you can follow my voice
Because I’ll always sing for you with love and joy.
My sight is blurry and I’m pretty sure everyone around me is sniffling.
The lyrics, the soft guitar, the genuine grief in his voice.
This is a side of Kang I’ve only seen once before.
This is the raw, unfiltered Kang that carries the heavy grief of losing his brother.
It’s heartbreaking, but beautiful. Maybe art is just an outlet for all of us, a way to expose to the world our deepest pain and, in a way, release it.
Diego starts the clapping, and everyone follows with cheering. Kang gets off the stage and runs toward me.
“Kang—”
He pulls me into a hug. “Thank you for coming,” he whispers and kisses the side of my head. “Thank you.”
We break apart and I look into his eyes.
I have so many things to say to him that I don’t know where to begin.
“I want you to listen to me, okay?” My voice trembles with nerves, and I take a deep breath. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry that I pushed you away without giving you the explanation you deserved. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t want to ruin your life.” I pause to take another deep breath.
“Klara…”
“I’m a mess, okay? It’s literally a constant struggle every day, and I’ll have lots of good days but plenty of bad days, too.
And you’ll see me laugh and cry, and maybe there will be more panic attacks, maybe I’ll want to shut myself away in my room again.
I don’t know what’s in store, but I do know that you can’t save me because love doesn’t cure depression and anxiety.
Love can give you strength, it can provide a reason to keep going, and that’s a lot, for sure.
“I know I’m more than my problems, Kang.
I’m kind, I’m a good friend, I can paint, I have a dark sense of humor and an unhealthy obsession with TV dramas, and so many other things that make me who I am.
I am so much more than my depression and anxiety, but my depression and anxiety are part of me, too.
So if you want to be with me, you need to know what you’re getting, the whole package.
” My chest rises and falls. I feel like I’ve laid my heart bare.
Kang studies me silently, processing everything I just said. “Klara…” He takes the last step toward me and his hand cradles my cheek. I can feel the warmth emanating from his eyes. “I fell in love with the whole package a long time ago.”
My heart is about to burst. I bite my lip. “I worry that dating me might not be good for you.” I have to say it.
He sighs. “Every day is a struggle for me, too. I’m still getting over the loss of my brother; I still have days where I’m consumed by guilt and I feel like I’ve regressed in my forward momentum.
I know you’re right, we can’t save each other, but we can be there for each other, along for the ride, right? ”
“Yes.”
Kang leans toward me and I hold my breath until his mouth meets mine. It’s a kiss full of so many emotions, so much sincerity, that I clench my hands at my sides, bracing myself, soaking it all in. Our lips touch and it’s sweet and delicate.
Gosh, I hate admitting that the romance movies were right after all. This is so romantic. We are kissing in the middle of a crowd filled with strangers, my best friends a few steps away from us.
We pull apart and Kang gives me a kiss on the forehead before putting his arms around me. “I missed you, Klara with a K.”
“I missed you too, Bat-Kang.”
He laughs quietly.
Someone behind us clears their throat. We turn to see Diego, Ellie, and Perla. Oh, God, did they hear everything? Judging by the tears in Perla’s eyes, I’d say yes.
“Ready to drive back and celebrate?” Diego offers me a high five, grinning.
I grin back. “Ready!”
“Are we not going to wait for them to announce the winners?” Perla asks.
Kang grabs my hand, and says, “I won.”
By the time we get back to Durham it’s past midnight and everything is closed, so we have no other choice but to celebrate at my house. Kamila and Andy don’t seem to mind. Kang’s parents drop him off at my house and go home because they have work in the morning.
I introduce my boyfriend to Andy. “Nice to meet you, Kang.” Andy holds out a hand and Kang shakes it.
Kamila smiles.
“Dr. Rodríguez,” Kang says.
“That’s Kamila to you,” she says, and hugs him.
We cook some pizza and eat around the kitchen counter, as Kamila confesses she purposefully left Kang’s radio show on for me to listen to that first time. She thought Kang could be a voice of reason for me, that I could find motivation and inspiration in his words. And she was right.
I’m amazed at how much my life has changed in the past few months, and how each of these people has done their part to help me.
If someone had told me a couple months ago that I’d be here, I wouldn’t have believed it.
Me, friends? Me, in college? Me, dating my crush?
No way. The hardest part of depression was the feeling that my sadness and fear would be all I’d ever have in life, that it would never get better, that every day would be the same: empty, meaningless, dominated by permanent fear.
It’s so easy to underestimate our strength, our ability to make progress, to take one step after another no matter how small.
No matter how many setbacks we may have, it’s all part of the rocky road to recovery.
Those baby steps, which I thought so insignificant, added up over time.
My mind retraces my journey: Kang’s radio show; the first time I left the house; the puppies next door; that panic attack in the bathroom when Kang helped calm me over the phone; starting college; meeting Perla, Diego, Ellie; my ongoing panic attacks; my tears; my accomplishments.
Everything that has brought me to this beautiful moment, here and now.
I stand up and raise my glass. “I’d like to make a toast. The world’s first strawberry milkshake toast.” I clear my throat.
“First, I’d like to toast to Kang. I’m so proud of you.
You overcame your fear of performing in front of others, of sharing the gift someone very special encouraged you to pursue, no mask needed this time. ”
Kang reaches out to grab my hand and plants a small kiss on it. “Thank you.”
I squeeze his hand, then direct my attention to the others.
“And to the rest of you, I toast to you, too, each and every one of you. You have all played such an important part in everything I’ve achieved.
You have all been an example for me. I want you to know that I will keep fighting and that, while I will most likely fail again, I’m not as scared of failure anymore.
Because I have you amazing people around me and because I know that even if I fall, I can get back up, just like I’ve done before. So… thank you.”
We clink our milkshakes, smiling.
Life is complicated. It often presents us with problems and difficult situations.
But then there are days like this one, good days, good moments that deserve to be acknowledged, appreciated, and celebrated.
Together, let us follow the voices filled with joy, compassion, peace, love, and positivity.
Let us always remember to follow our own voices.