Chapter 49
ELLIE
Walking into my house felt surreal after the last week.
Not a thing had changed. My blanket was tossed haphazardly across the back of the couch just like I left it.
My shoes were still by the island from where I’d kicked them off the last time I came home.
And a few dishes were stacked by the sink, ready to be washed.
Yet, there wasn’t a single part of me that remained the same.
“Okay?” Ryder asked as he gently shut the door behind me.
I did my best not to flinch. I wasn’t afraid of Ryder. If anything, I was more afraid that I would become too attached to him, too reliant on his warmth and strength to chase away my demons.
But for a moment, I forgot he was behind me, and memories of being taken from the side of the road flashed through my mind.
I took a deep breath, calming my mind as best I could. I was home, and the man who attacked me was dead. Though, according to Ryder, no one knew the man was dead aside from JR, Archer, and Ryder. The police “assumed” I escaped and the man was now on the run.
I was pretty sure Maverick and Remi knew the truth.
Not that I would say anything. I would never get anyone in trouble after they saved my life.
“Hey,” Ryder said, brushing his fingers down my arm. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly.
For so long, I had pretended I was always okay, but I could no longer do that, and I wouldn’t lie to Ryder when he was doing everything possible to help me.
“What can I do?”
Glancing over my shoulder, I gave a faint smile. “Get in pajamas and lounge on the couch with me while we watch movies and eat junk food.”
“I can definitely do that,” he murmured, sliding his hands around my waist as he leaned in and pressed a kiss to my cheek.
He’d been very careful not to kiss me too much or move too quickly around me.
He was even more cautious when he held me, which I was extremely grateful for.
One day, I would be better. I wouldn’t be so jumpy or so scared.
But for right now, I needed him to be gentle with me, and I was so thankful I didn’t need to explain that.
“Come on. Let’s get you in something more comfortable. Those scrubs have to be irritating.”
“They are,” I said, glancing down at the blue uniform Caroline gave me.
“Do you want a hot shower?”
More than anything. I still felt so dirty, no matter how many times I took a shower in the hospital.
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Shower first.”
He didn’t even ask if he could join me as he led me into the bathroom. He just turned on the water and pressed a kiss to my cheek before walking out. But as I stared at the tiles on the wall, all I could think about was how much I wanted Ryder to erase the memory of that man’s hands.
I just didn’t know if I could ask for that.
My emotions were all over the place, jumbled up in a knot that was growing by the second in the pit of my stomach. I hated the idea of being alone, but I also wasn’t sure I was ready for Ryder to see me so vulnerable, and I didn’t know how to ask him for what I needed.
As the steam fogged up the bathroom, I stood there contemplating whether or not I wanted to open the door and say the words.
You can do this, Ellie. Just say the words. He’s been so good to you. You haven’t been scared of him once.
With a shaky hand, I turned the knob, surprised when I saw Ryder leaning against the doorframe, his face drawn in concern.
“You’re not undressed,” he said, his voice deep and gravelly.
“I…” I bit my lip, trying to force the words out. “Would you—”
But no matter how I tried, I just couldn’t say it. Tears clouded my eyes as I dropped my gaze, ashamed of so many things that I couldn’t even put into words.
Deep down, I knew this wasn’t my fault. But my mind wouldn’t stop replaying what that man did to me, and then judging whether or not Ryder would ever see me as more than a rape victim.
His fingers tipped my chin up until I was staring into those dark chocolate eyes. “Just say the words. Whatever you need,” he whispered.
“I need you. I mean, not like that, but—” I cut myself off, frustrated that I couldn’t even formulate a sentence.
He stepped inside and quickly pulled off his clothes, leaving his underwear on. Even through the steam that was quickly filling the bathroom, I could see the anger in his eyes when he looked at the bruises on my face.
And for some reason, that made me feel so much better.
I tugged at the hem of the scrub top, pulling it over my head with his help when he saw me struggling. Every inch of me was sore, feeling battered and bruised just as much on the inside as the outside.
As soon as I was undressed and in the shower with him, my fears spiked.
I was naked, bruised, and nothing like I used to be.
My soul ached for the person I once was, for the confidence I used to feel when I was around him.
He had taken me from a less-than-confident woman to someone who felt completely comfortable in her own skin.
And yet, now I was even more vulnerable and scared than I had ever been before.
“You’re still just as beautiful,” he whispered, pulling me into his arms.
A pained whimper slipped free as he wrapped his arms around my body, encasing me in his warmth.
“You will always be everything to me. Nothing he did can change that.”
I buried my face in his chest as tears spilled down my cheeks. “What if I can’t…”
The words refused to come, but Ryder didn’t need them.
Tilting my chin up, he pressed a soft kiss to my lips. “You will one day. Maybe not for a long time, but when you’re ready, we’ll take it slow. Until then, I’m just grateful that you’re in my arms.”
“And…what about you?”
I really hoped I wouldn’t have to explain myself to him. It was hard enough even standing in here naked, let alone talking about something that I no longer could get the words out to discuss.
“Honestly…I can’t even think about that now,” he sighed. “I’m so angry…” His fingers slid through my hair, brushing it back from my face. “I hate what he did to you, and that I wasn’t there to protect you. Until I can move past that, I’m not sure I’m ready for more either.”
“I’m sorry,” I sniffled, but he cut me off with a kiss
“No apologizing. Ever.”
At my nod, he grabbed a loofa and filled it with soap. “Now, let’s get you cleaned up.”
We stayed in the shower until the water ran cold. I was pretty sure no person could be as clean as me, but he was very thorough and gentle, making sure I was comfortable the whole time.
And when we stepped out of the shower, a little bit of the fear that had clouded my mind slipped to the back. Exhaustion washed over me, and by the time I was dressed in pajamas and snuggled under the blanket on the couch with him, I was already drifting off to sleep.
“I love you,” I whispered, linking my fingers with his.
“I love you, too, Ellie. More than you could ever know.”
My eyes slowly closed as his fingers worked through the tangles in my hair. I faintly heard the sounds of the TV, but I was finally settling into a peace that I knew wouldn’t last long.
And I wanted to enjoy it while I could.
One day, I would be stronger.
One day, I would be able to look at myself in the mirror.
And when I did, I knew Ryder would be right there beside me.