Chapter Seven
“S o where are we going ?” I asked Toby as he drove my car.
He grinned. “Do you know why December is so amazing?”
“Christmas.”
“Exactly. And since everyone is in the spirit, the world becomes pretty. So we’re going to go see that prettiness.”
I glanced out the window and at the darkness. We passed houses decorated with lights, but there was also just a lot of darkness. Considering the sun liked to set by four thirty now, it wasn’t surprising. It was still early, yet it felt like I should be crawling into bed and going to sleep.
“I’ve lived here my whole life, and the last few months, I’ve seen more of our surroundings than ever before,” I said.
Toby shrugged. “I’m still trying to figure out how we went nearly four years in the same high school and never knew you. The world works in mysterious ways.”
“Is that what you believe in?”
“What do you mean?” He glanced over at me, frowning slightly in confusion.
I waved my hand to encompass everything. Life. The universe. “Fate, I guess. That things happen when they should happen.”
“Fuck no.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “If that were true, then this is a fucked-up universe that I want no part in. How dare it keep you away from me.” He lifted my hand, kissed the back of it, then let it rest once more between us on the center console of my car.
His words made my face warm and I glanced out the window, trying to hide it. That didn’t distract me from what he whispered next though.
“And what fucked-up universe would do that to my brother?”
His words broke my heart. I wanted to ask him so many questions, but I already knew he wasn’t ready to talk about it. And a small part of me was afraid. Afraid of being rejected, of being reminded that there was still stuff that was off-limits—things I’d never get to know because it wasn’t my business.
I had to respect that. Even if it burned.
So I stayed quiet, pretending I hadn’t heard him. He gave my hand a gentle squeeze—a silent thank you—before turning down a road nestled between empty corn fields. My headlights cut through the darkness, illuminating nothing but the open emptiness around us.
“I thought Halloween was over?” I asked, suddenly feeling a bit chilled.
Toby chuckled. “I’m waiting for The Creeper to come out and attack us.”
“Don’t say that.” I smacked Toby’s arm. “That movie really freaked me out.”
He laughed, his head tilting back slightly. “Good.”
I huffed and forced him to let go of my hand so I could cross my arms over my chest.
“Really, I’m sorry. Now give me back your hand.”
He held his out for me to grab. I glared at him before finally relenting and letting him hold my hand again.
“It never feels right if I can’t hold your hand,” he said, winking at me.
I snorted and went back to staring out at the darkness. It was hard not to let it pull me in. It lulled me into a quiet space and that was dangerous for me. Thoughts always snuck in on me during those moments.
“Karaoke?” Toby asked.
“What?” I blinked, trying to figure out if I’d missed something he said.
Toby let my hand go and fiddled with the radio until soft music filled the car. Once he had my hand again, he began singing, his low timbre settling my nerves. He smiled and winked at me.
Once the chorus came, I joined in and we sang together as he continued to drive through all that darkness. But with Toby by my side, it couldn’t touch me. Couldn’t suck me in.
We got really into belting out the songs, practically singing at the top of our lungs. By the time Toby pulled into a parking lot, we were both laughing, leaning into each other as we caught our breath.
Some singers really had lungs on them, ones that made me jealous. I could never hold a note as long as some of the professionals could.
“Where are we?” I asked, finally able to talk again as my stomach ached from the laughter.
“A light show,” Toby said as he turned off the car. “Have you ever been to one?”
“Not that I can remember,” I replied, distracted by the reindeer in the parking lot. There was a fence of candy canes and inside them were three reindeer. It was pretty cool.
“Oh, you’re going to love this,” Toby said.
We got out of the car. Toby came around and looped our arms together before he led me toward the barn-like structure in front of us. It spanned the large parking lot with the doors in the middle. Even in the dark, I could tell that it had a fresh coat of red and white paint, making it look like a new, fancy barn.
“We go in here to get our tickets and they let us out back, where we walk through all the pretty light shows. I’ve been wanting to take you here,” Toby said, his excitement starting to feed into his energy. He was practically vibrating next to me.
Toby paid for our tickets and then the moment we walked through the door, I gasped. We came out right on a wide path. Others around us were talking softly, some taking pictures, others enjoying the view. There were some children, but not too many.
I shivered as a cold wind slipped by. Toby wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into his side. We walked slowly and I was absolutely mind blown by all the lights. There were a ton of reindeer, elves, presents, archways, decorated Christmas trees. It felt endless as we walked. Magical even.
About halfway, it opened into a small courtyard.
“Oh, wow,” I said, my eyes practically bulging. In the center was a large fountain covered in lights. Benches were set up around it, most already filled with couples and families. Toby brought us over to one near the massive Christmas tree. It was probably the biggest tree I had ever seen in person, going up and up into the night sky.
“So?” Toby asked.
“This is insane,” I said. “Beautiful. Crazy. Did we walk through a portal into a fairyland without me knowing?”
He laughed and pulled me to him so I was tucked comfortably into his side. “I’m glad you like this. I wasn’t sure if you would.”
“I’ve never been to Disneyland, but I feel like this is how it’d feel,” I said.
He laughed again and pulled me even closer to him. I didn’t know it was possible to get any closer. We snuggled into each other, sharing our body warmth as we stared at the lights and everyone walking around us, including the kids determined to climb the tree. Some of them had ornaments. They’d go up to the tree and put their ornaments as high as possible, with some lucky enough to be able to get on someone’s shoulders to reach even higher.
It was adorable.
“Cadence?”
“Hmm?” I asked, a bit distracted as two boys, maybe around ten, were getting on each other’s shoulders to go higher. I could imagine the guys doing that when they were that young. Heck, I could imagine them doing it now.
“Thank you for coming out with me. This has been a lot of fun,” he said. It should have been a good thing, but his tone was a bit thicker than usual.
I pulled away and looked at him.
“I’ll go wherever you need me to be. Within reason of course.”
That got a flicker of a smile, but then it dropped away. There was strain around his eyes that didn’t sit well with me, and I straightened, trying to figure out what was going on.
“Is everything okay?” I finally asked.
“Of course,” he said, flashing me probably the fakest smile I had ever seen from him.
I clenched my teeth and tried to gather my thoughts. My first instinct was to call him out on that, but he also felt fragile in a way I wasn’t used to from Toby.
After blowing out a breath and finally gathering my thoughts, I said, “You aren’t like Justin, right?”
His eyebrows rose. “What do you mean?” he asked, genuinely confused.
“I know something’s wrong. And I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you won’t react like Justin did, right? You won’t go dark on me, right?”
“No. Cadence, no. I’m incapable of never talking to people. I’d go insane. That is most definitely not my thing.”
I didn’t realize how tense I had become until he said that and I relaxed.
“Okay. Good.”
I glanced away, suddenly feeling a bit embarrassed.
“That really fucked you up, didn’t it,” Toby said in a lower voice.
I drew in a breath, the cold biting at my lungs. After releasing my breath, I said, “I’m used to people leaving me. And I didn’t think...” I shrugged. “Justin checked out on me, and I didn’t realize it was an issue until it was.”
“Your dad.”
“Part of it.”
He tilted his head to the side. “Your mom?”
I snorted. “That’s what my therapist said. My mom was good at pretending I didn’t exist. I only mattered when Dad wasn’t traveling. She ran so hot and cold that I guess that fucked with me too much.”
I dared to look at Toby. He was stiff next to me, staring in that way that made me feel seen and understood. I shifted in the seat, realizing my butt was nearly numb from the cold.
“I won’t do that to you,” he said. “I never will.”
“Good.” I pretended to glare at him. “And if you do, I’ll shave your hair off in your sleep.”
We both laughed, bumping shoulders.
I softened my voice. “I don’t care if you don’t want to talk about whatever it is that is bothering you. I just need you not to hide from me. I can’t handle that.”
“Cadence.” Toby grabbed my hand and gave it a light tug, forcing me to look at him. He turned slightly so our knees bumped against each other. “Never in a bajillion years will I do that to you. If anything, whenever I’m upset, I need to be around people. I need a distraction. And being with you is the best kind of distraction. I’d never run away from you. In fact, I’ll be going in the other direction, gluing myself to you. Which is why tonight, you’re mine and the others didn’t stop me from kidnapping you.”
I swallowed hard. “Okay.”
“As for what’s bothering me, it’s my brother.”
I took in a sharp breath, not expecting him to talk about it, especially here on our date.
“Is he okay?”
“As good as he can be, all things considered.”
“Is that what you were talking to your parents about?”
He nodded and swallowed. “There was an incident at school that set him off. He’s always struggled with depression since he became paraplegic. He was doing good lately, but something happened at his school, embarrassing him. Thank fuck everyone at school supports him, but for him, it was really embarrassing and it’s set him back.”
I grabbed Toby’s hand, squeezing it.
“Mom asked me if I’d be willing to spend some time with him.” Toby shrugged. “I do it every year so it wasn’t a big ask. We were just talking about what to do. I’m going to take him to his hospital for volunteer work. Every year, I go there to bring presents to the kids.” He shrugged again and then glanced at me, swallowing hard.
I wanted to ask him a million and one questions, but it didn’t feel right at the moment either. I pressed my lips together hard.
Toby snorted. “You might as well ask. I know you want to.”
“Is it...is it permanent?” I asked.
“Y-yes.” He grimaced. “We were hopeful when he first got injured, but there was very little change that first year. In spinal injuries, I guess the first six months are when we’d have seen the most improvements. It was devastating when the doctor said there hadn’t been much improvement. Nearly tore our family apart.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t.” He shook his head and released a shaky breath. “At least don’t say that. Please.”
“Okay.” I got it. I really did. I had so many people tell me how sorry they were when I was in the hospital and I quickly resented them for it. An apology always felt like it meant they could have changed the outcome, but they didn’t. Like an admission of guilt.
“How are your parents doing? They looked tired when I saw them?”
“That’s been their new look these last few years. It helped when I moved in with Aunt Laura, but the costs to take care of my brother long ago put a strain on my parents.” Toby licked his lips. “It’s all the same stuff. Money issues. Caregiver issues. All of it. It’s pulled them apart, and I think the only reason they’re still even together is because of their love and commitment for Austin. At this point, he’s keeping them together, but even that...I’m not sure how much longer that’s going to last. And if it doesn’t, it’ll kill him. He already feels terrible for the position he put our parents in. It eats at him. If he thinks our parents divorced because of him...” He took in a shuddering breath. I wrapped my arm around him and let him lean against me. His voice sounded so broken as he said, “I’m genuinely terrified for my family’s future. I can’t see how it’s going to turn out at all.”
“You too,” I said. “It’ll kill you too.”
“I at least have Aunt Laura. And I know with her taking care of both me and Justin, that we stretch her thin sometimes and we aren’t even her kids. If anything were to happen to our parents, I have no idea what that means for Austin. I genuinely don’t.”
I wished I knew how to respond to that, but I didn’t know enough, and I didn’t want to give him a half-hearted response. So I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, letting him know I was there. It was all the support I could give him at the moment and I hated that.
Toby seemed happy with my response as he pulled me closer, resting his head against my shoulder. I leaned into him, our heads touching. We sat in comfortable silence, taking in the twinkling lights and the quiet joy of the people around us.
“All right, ready to continue forward. We still have half this place to see.” Toby jumped to his feet and held his hand out to me. I grabbed it and let him pull me into his chest.
I rested my hand on his chest, enjoying the feel of his warm body. A glint entered his eyes and I blushed hard. Oh shit, I was feeling him up.
“All you have to do is use your words,” he said, leaning down and quickly kissing me. It was fast, but it was hard and it left me breathless, warm, and wanting more. He chuckled when he realized I had gripped him tightly as he tried to pull away. He cupped my face. “I’d love to give your lips more attention but I don’t think the parents here would appreciate us making out in front of their children.”
I stepped away, my face burning as I glanced around. More families had shown up and were running around the fountain or trying to hang their ornaments in the tree.
“Come on,” I said, grabbing his wrist and pulling him with me.
He laughed but followed as I took the lead back onto the path to see the rest of the lights. I was a bit mortified at the idea of making out in front of so many people, especially kids, but I also knew if he had wanted to do it, I would have.
Toby made it so easy to get lost in him and all his energy. I’d have to be careful about that.