Chapter Thirty-Five
Calvin carefully put away the guitar I had bought him for Christmas, making sure it was securely placed in the case before zipping it up. It was so cute watching him be so careful. He truly cared about his guitar.
“Here,” I said, handing him a folder with more songs for him to practice. “Two new ones for you.”
“Thank you.” Cal’s expression lit up as he tucked the folder into his book bag. I smiled back, his smile always so contagious. It helped to ease the anxiety I’d been feeling since Laurens’ attack.
The last few days, I’d been working at like a twenty in terms of my anxiety and I didn’t really have any answers from the police yet about why he’d done it. He had lawyered up instantly and remained silent since. That was all I knew.
Janice wasn’t faring well either, but thankfully, Ezi and Rowan did wonders for her, keeping her somewhat distracted and busy.
My phone buzzed in my pocket, breaking me out of my dangerous thoughts. It was a text from Paxon letting me know he was outside now.
“All right, he’s here,” I said, helping Cal put on his coat and hat, and then his bookbag. By the time he was ready to go, he was all bundled up against the cold outside. Almost like a walking blue marshmallow.
I ended up opening the door before Paxon had a chance.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” I said, chuckling as he jumped slightly at the suddenness.
“It’s okay,” he replied, brushing it off, but there was something in his tone—something strained.
“Were you able to finish whatever you needed to?” I asked.
Usually, Paxon hung out with us during Calvin’s lessons, but today, he had dropped Calvin off and mentioned having to go do something for his dad. It had left both Calvin and me confused.
“What?” His brow furrowed for a moment before realization dawned on him. “Oh, right. Yeah.” He shook his head as if clearing away a thought. “Hey, Cal, go get in the car, I need to talk to Cadence for a sec.”
Calvin hesitated, his smile dimming as he glanced between us. “Okay,” he said quietly, giving me one last look before trudging through the snow that had fallen earlier today.
“What’s going on?” I asked, stepping closer to Paxon, ignoring the cold. Something wasn’t right. His posture was tense, his hands shoved deep into his coat pockets. “Are you okay?” I pressed.
I stopped as soon as he held up a hand, creating a physical barrier between us. The gesture hit me like a slap, and my heart dropped. My skin prickled with unease as he looked everywhere but at me.
“Paxon?” I said in a whisper. “I feel like I haven’t had a real conversation with you in a while. Is everyone okay?”
He finally met my eyes and I stilled. I knew that look. It was the kind of look that came with bad news, the kind that was already tying my stomach into knots before the words even came.
“I don’t think I can do this anymore.”
“What?” I asked, trying to understand what he meant. My gaze flickered behind him, toward the car where Cal was still putting his stuff away in the back seat. “Bringing Cal here for his lessons? I can pick him up too when you aren’t able.”
“No, no.” He looked back at his little brother. “Not that.”
My chest tightened as he obviously struggled to find the words. “Paxon, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”
Paxon sighed heavily and finally met my gaze. I hadn’t realized how long it had been since he’d truly looked at me. But now, as I took in the clear grey of his eyes, it hit me—since Laurens’ attack, he hadn’t really looked at me. His grey eyes were swimming with tears and fear and other things I couldn’t name, making them look gloomy, on the verge of a bad storm.
“Paxon.” I reached out for him and grabbed his hand. He squeezed back, his grip tight and shaking. That had to mean something, right? He didn’t pull away from me. In a soft voice, I said, “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.”
Paxon opened his mouth and then closed it. He did it again. I waited, knowing he was trying to find words to whatever he wanted to voice. His hand shook even more in mine and then he finally pulled away from me as he burst out with his answer. “Us. I don’t think I can do us. You and me and the guys. I thought I could. I really did but then I see you kissing them and the dates and being intimate and I don’t think I can. It hurts, Cadence. I didn’t think it would, but it does.” He released a sob, tears falling down his cheeks as his words ripped me apart.
“You don’t want to date me anymore.”
He swallowed hard as he struggled to respond. “Not l-like this. No, I don’t think so.”
“You want to break up.”
His gaze dropped to the ground. “I don’t know. I’m scared, Cadence. I love you. I love the guys. I love hanging out with everyone. I’ve been happy with everyone and everyone is important to me. I don’t want to ruin that. I don’t want to lose anyone.”
“I...I don’t understand,” I whispered. I didn’t think the first time one of them said I love you to me was going to be while also breaking up with me.
He took a step back, reaching up and fidgeting with his beanie. “I need space. I need time to think.”
And just like that, he turned and walked away, leaving me standing frozen in the doorway, the cold winter air biting at my skin. Paxon’s figure blurred as tears filled my eyes. My hands trembled, fingers clenching into fists at my sides to stop them from shaking.
He didn’t even turn around.
I wanted to call after him, to make him stay and talk to me, but my voice caught in my throat. What was there to say? He needed space—he’d made that clear.
The sound of Calvin’s laughter floated faintly from the car, a huge difference from the storm that was raging inside of me. It took everything in me, but somehow, I managed to step back inside, closing the door behind me as if that would help stop the coldness Paxon’s words had left behind.
I leaned against the door, sliding down until I was sitting on the floor. My chest ached, the weight of his words pressing harder now that he was gone.
Not like this.
His words echoed through my mind, over and over again.
Not like this.
He didn’t want to break up. At least, not completely. I think? But he didn’t want this, either. The way we were.
I hugged my knees to my chest, my breaths coming out shallow and uneven. Was it something I did? Something I didn’t do?
My phone buzzed, and I yanked it out of my pocket, half-hoping it was Paxon texting to take it all back. That it was all some sick joke. But it wasn’t.
Seth: I’m coming over.
I stared at the screen, my thumb hovering over the keyboard. I wanted to tell him not to bother, that I was going to be working. I could so easily just go up to my studio and hide there, hide behind all the work I had.
But my body wouldn’t move. My thumb refused to hit the right keys to stop Seth from coming. I wanted him. I needed him. And somehow, he knew that. The silence of the house pressed in around me, a place that had grown warm, quickly turning so cold and empty. Every inch of the space felt heavier, the walls closing in on me.
Paxon had left, but his words lingered.
Not like this.
A soft knock made me jump. I climbed to my feet, my entire body hurting. I wasn’t sure if it was because of my injury, the cold, or curling up so tightly on the floor. Or if I was physically feeling the mental break.
“What happened?” Seth asked the moment I opened the door. “Why do you look like that?”
I sniffled, knowing I looked a mess. “Paxon.” My response was a croak, even just saying that too difficult to get out.
His eyes widened. “Is he hurt? Is he here?” He stepped in, forcing me to step back. He looked around, searching for his friend.
I swallowed hard. “He’s fine. He left,” I whispered.
He faced me again, cupping my face, his own filled with fear. “What happened?”
I blinked past the tears forming again, meeting his eyes. “I think he broke up with me. Or he’s about to. I don’t know. It wasn’t clear. He said he couldn’t do it. And then he was just gone.”
“He said that?”
I nodded.
Seth’s eyes widened further and then he drew me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Cadence.”
I grabbed him hard and went back to sobbing, trying to figure out what was even going on, what these emotions inside of me were. All I knew was that it hurt.
A lot.
And I had no idea what to do with it.