9. Celine
Celine
Sister Alice had written a list of all the lessons I am to attend, dropped it off last night before lights out, and said she would be here in the morning to show me to my class. I thanked her, shut the door, and let out a long sigh as I laid down for the night.
I didn’t sleep well. I never do when I’m not at home. Staying with Vince or Amelia is a different story. Being with them, I always felt safe, so whenever I stayed the night at their places, I slept fine. Thinking about them makes my heart hurt because I miss them so much.
When we met in college, we became close so quickly that you’d think we had known each other our whole lives. We are inseparable, and the fact that I’m trapped in this place for who knows how long without contact with them makes me want to cry again.
I was told my parents would be allowed to visit once a week. Does this mean that my friends are allowed to visit me as well? It wouldn’t hurt to ask. Plus, I’d like to know when these visits with my parents will take place. That way, I can prepare myself.
This morning, as I was getting dressed, I realized that not all the dresses provided to women are the same.
Yes, they are all white and long, but the details sewn onto each dress are either an abstract pattern or a different arrangement of flowers.
All the white fabric blends together that I didn’t even notice the designs.
The bras and underwear are all the same, however.
The cotton underwear is comfortable, but I will never get used to these bras.
The wire has been digging into my skin ever since Sister Alice arrived to walk me to my lesson this morning.
I’m doing my best not to tug at the material, but I really want to tear it off my body and burn it.
“You don’t need to escort me around everywhere,” I tell her while we descend the stairs from the bedrooms.
“Once you know where your lessons are, I won’t be such a bother.” She doesn’t sound hurt by my words, even though I had a bite to my tone.
I do need to dial down my attitude, though. It’s not her fault I’m here.
It’s my parents.
“What days will my parents visit?”
“We’ve arranged for them to come on Wednesdays.
The morning is the best time for them to visit to ensure that you do not miss your World Religion lesson later in the day.
They will be here at eight o’clock in the morning, and that should allow you to have plenty of time to speak with them about your experiences here. ”
That’s good news because then I don’t have to sit through a whole class, dreading seeing them.
“What about my friends?” I ask as we walk down the hall.
“I’m afraid only your parents are allowed to visit while you are here.
” Sister Alice stops in front of a door, one that I’m not even sure how we made it to because I wasn’t paying attention.
When she faces me, there is an apologetic smile on her lips.
“Friends aren’t allowed because it would be a distraction to your purpose of being here. ”
I fight the urge to roll my eyes. I agree that seeing my friends would be a distraction, but it would be a nice distraction. It would help take my mind off all of this bullshit for a little while.
Seeing my parents won’t be a distraction, since they are involved in this situation. Seeing them will only add fuel to the fire burning within me.
“How long are these visits?”
“It just depends. Some family members stay for an hour, while others stay for only a few minutes to check in on their loved one. It’s however long you want to visit with them.
” At least I can decide one thing for myself.
Even if I don’t get to choose to not see them at all.
“Now, I don’t want you to be late. The women I introduced you to yesterday will be in this class. ”
My eyes move away from Sister Alice’s face to the people standing behind. I find Father Alexander speaking with another nun and from here, it seems like they are in deep conversation, concern lining his face.
He held that same expression briefly when he found me in the courtyard. He thought I was going to run, and trust me, I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to sneak out of that dining hall and book it toward the front doors.
But I didn’t. I had self-control.
It’s almost like he can sense me staring at him because his eyes meet mine as the nun continues to speak with him. Father Alexander’s face softens for a second as he looks at me, but then he quickly drops his eyes to focus on the woman beside him to continue their discussion.
When I come back to my little bubble, I find that I am standing alone. Sister Alice must have snuck away while I wasn’t paying attention. With a deep breath, I step into the room.
The walls are painted tan to match the lobby, and there are no windows. Two rows of desks occupy the room, and a small wooden podium stands at the front.
My eyes scan my surroundings and land on Joanna, who is sitting next to Bekah. They are already waving for me to come join them. I walk over to where they sit and take a seat at the desk behind Joanna. She doesn’t say anything to me, only smiles and spins back in her chair to face forward.
Swallowing hard, I look to my right and see Esther writing in a notebook. She pauses the motion of her pencil and glances at me. A slight smile tilts her lips upward, and it makes me feel relieved. Like she sees me for who I am.
“Good morning, ladies,” a woman at the front of the room introduces herself. “You all know who I am, but we do have someone new joining us.” All eyes fall on me, and it makes me want to disappear. “Celine, welcome. My name is Sister Ruth.”
“It’s nice to meet you.” I straighten my back, not wanting to look afraid and offer a smile.
“There is a Bible on your desk. We have been discussing the Major Prophets for the past two weeks. Today, we will talk about Jeremiah.”
I slide the Bible in front of me, flipping through the pages even though I have no clue what page they start on. Do they even start on a specific page? I keep skimming through the thin paper until I see the name Jeremiah. When I do, I stop, not caring if it is the right page or not.
It’s light, but I hear a laugh come from my right. Peering over to the sound, Esther has an amused grin on her face, and I know it’s because of me. She must have been watching me struggle to find where they are in this damn book.
“Jeremiah was known as the weeping prophet,” Sister Ruth begins. “He was the prophet to the southern kingdom known as Judah…”
That’s as much as I hear before I block her out.
Listening to people talk about anything to do with religion will immediately make me lose interest. It’s how it’s always been, but it’s a skill I mastered.
I could sit there and look as if I am taking in every word they are saying, like I’m fully focused on what is happening, but in my head, I’m thinking about other things.
More important things, like how I’m going to pretend that this experience will be life-changing for me. How in the world am I going to give the performance of my life for my parents? For these people that I’m surrounded by every day?
I feel a slight nudge on my shoulder, pulling me out of my thoughts. When I blink and look up, Esther is standing by the desk, staring down at me. Sister Ruth must have already finished the lesson. It was either a short one, or I was dissociating for a while.
“Take a walk with me.” It’s not a question or a suggestion, and she doesn’t wait for my response.
She walks away from my desk and out of the room.
Without thinking, I slide off the bench and follow her.
The other women remain in the class to talk, and I swear I hear Joanna’s voice calling out my name to get me to stay, but I’d rather poke my eyes with forks than have to engage in a conversation with her.
Out in the hall, I find Esther waiting for me, and when I approach her, we fall into step together.
I’m not sure where we are going, since I haven’t been to this part of the building.
Which means I’m trusting someone I don’t know to lead me wherever we are headed.
We continue to walk in silence, and when we can’t hear any of the others, she finally speaks.
“You don’t know how happy I am that you are here,” she says with a sigh of relief.
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I know you don’t want to be here. It’s written all over your face, and the only reason I picked up on it is because I also don’t want to be here.
Don’t worry, though, everyone else here is so blinded by their faith that they won’t notice.
” She glances over at me with a small smile.
“My dad made me come to the convent. He told me that the path I was walking down would lead to Hell.”
A breathy laugh escapes me as memories filter into my mind. “I’ve heard that one before. My parents tricked me into coming here. I thought they were just joining a new church. Turns out I signed my life away.”
“Yeah, I had no idea what I was signing either. It was bullshit.” She huffs.
I laugh again, because hearing her curse beneath the roof of a Godly place is comical.
“Joanna, unfortunately, took me under her wing shortly after I got here. She is like the pride and joy of the convent. I want to punch her in the face, but that would cause trouble that I don’t want to deal with right now, so I stay quiet.”
“Probably the best option.” We turn a corner, entering an unfamiliar corridor. “How long do you think you’ll be here?”
“I have no idea. What about you?”
“Until my parents see a change in me, I guess.”
“Isn’t it crazy?” Esther stops, turning to face me. “We are grown adults, and our parents are still controlling our lives? I mean, I’m twenty-seven and look at me!” She sighs dramatically. “When will it end?”
“After this stunt, I plan on cutting ties with my parents once I leave here. Dragging me to church every Sunday, my entire life was one thing, but forcing me to stay in a convent because I’m not the daughter they hoped for? That’s it for me.”
“Yeah, I think I’ll go no contact with my dad after this is all over. He’s always been religious, but after my mom died, it got out of control.” Sadness overtakes her expression. “He’s never been the same since then.”
“I’m sorry,” I apologize, but don’t ask any other questions about her mother. I don’t want to reopen an old wound that seems to still be healing. “Where are we?”
“Somewhere we shouldn’t be.” She flashes a mischievous grin, which I return.
“It leads to the staff bedrooms. We students aren’t allowed over here, but if there is one thing you need to know about me, it is that I am a rule breaker.
I don’t ever go any further than this, though.
” She looks toward the door leading to the bedrooms. “The reason I come here is to get some peace and quiet, and I know that Joanna and her minion wouldn’t be caught dead coming near this corridor.
If I don’t sneak away and have time to myself, I’ll explode. ”
“Understandable.” I nod.
Esther backs up against one of the walls, tilting her head back and closing her eyes. I give her this moment of silence because she needs it. We may be somewhere we’re not supposed to be, but this is her space.
My eyes leave where she is standing, and I look down at the door at the end of the hall. I wonder whether their rooms are like the ones we sleep in, or nicer. Who am I kidding? They are probably provided nicer things than us.
As my thoughts churn, the door I’m staring at opens, and my eyes widen with fear when Father Alexander walks out.
I shift my gaze to Esther, who is now alert from the sound of a door opening and stares down the hall.
When I look back at him, Father Alexander’s eyes are bouncing between Esther and me.
“Is there a reason you two are in this corridor?” he questions.
Esther goes to open her mouth, but I beat her to it.
“We just wanted a quiet place to talk.”
He keeps his movements slow as he comes closer.
“And the courtyard wasn’t an option?”
“All of the others were heading that way after class,” I lie. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize we weren’t supposed to be back here.”
“But Esther knows.” He gives her a look of disapproval.
“Sorry, Father Alexander,” she says in an apologetic tone. “We will leave.”
She turns around, raising her eyebrows as she walks past me in a way that shows she’s annoyed we got caught, but when I go to follow, Father Alexander stops me.
“Celine, stay.”
Esther looks from him to me, and I give her a shrug. “I’ll be right behind you.”
With a nod, she rounds the corner and disappears. Inhaling a deep breath, I spin around to give my attention to him.
“You’ve only been here two days, and you are already sneaking into areas you shouldn’t be.”
“I’m sorry. I really didn’t know.”
He nods slowly, and his tongue darts out to wet his bottom lip. “I shouldn’t be surprised that you gravitated towards Esther.”
“Why?”
“From my time here, I’ve noticed that she has a habit of getting herself into trouble.”
“I see.” My hands find themselves behind my back, my fingers wrapping around my wrist. “And because you are afraid of me running, you are worried about me befriending the convent’s troublemaker.”
“I’m worried about you being in the wrong company while you are here to fulfill your needs.”
“My needs?” I tip my head to the side. “And what, Father Alexander, are my needs?”
His eyes search my face, dropping down to my dress briefly before returning his gaze to me. “Your relationship with God.”
“You don’t think I will be capable of that if I am friends with Esther?”
“I think Joanna and Bekah would help you stay on the right path.”
“Right.” I laugh. “No offense, but I don’t think you have the authority to tell me who I should be friends with? Do you?”
His jaw ticks. “It was only a suggestion.”
“Well, thank you, Father Alexander, for your kind suggestion. I’m afraid I will have to decline and make my own choices, whether they are good or not.”
Another tick in his jaw. “Very well.”
“Now, if you excuse me, I am going to leave since I’m not supposed to be here.” I spin on my heels, my back now facing him, but I don’t move. Instead, I peek over my shoulder. “Do you need to walk with me, or am I free to wander around on my own?”
He looks at me for a moment and then gestures for me to move forward. “Lead the way.”