14. Celine
Celine
I’ve been avoiding Father Alexander like the plague. I kept my distance as if he were a sickness I didn’t want to catch. When I was walking the halls, I always made sure to peek around the corners to see if he was there.
I took drastic measures to not be around him because if he were standing by my side, the floodgates of embarrassment would burst open.
I had been doing a good job until I was sitting in the chapel, and he found me. My body tensed when he sat next to me, and I didn’t dare to look at him. I kept my eyes up at the ceiling, which I was observing in the first place. The beauty of the chapel continues to draw me in.
My eyes were trained on my surroundings, but I still felt his presence the second he stepped into the room. It felt heavy and weighed me down. I thought that maybe, just maybe, I would get lucky and he wouldn’t speak to me.
That didn’t happen because he sat down and wanted to know what was bothering me.
Like hell I was going to tell him. Or anyone.
After a few more seconds of sitting there, and then him suggesting I speak with Father Keaton, I’d had enough.
I rushed to my room and stayed in there until dinner time, which I’m already regretting. I kind of like missing dinner and eating in my room, but if I keep doing that, it will look like I’m not making any progress.
Which means I can’t skip going to the library again either. It’s Saturday, and I was supposed to help out this morning, but I ended up sleeping in. No one summoned me to go to the library, so I figured maybe it wasn’t that big of a deal.
Regardless, I need to be consistent with that.
As I sit at the table for dinner, I hear Joanna and Bekah discussing the scriptures they read in lessons this past week.
I push the food around my plate, trying to drown them out when I hear my name. I glance up to find Joanna staring at me with worry.
“Are you okay?” she asks.
“Yeah,” I answer. “I’m fine.”
“You’ve barely eaten.” She points to my food. “Are you getting sick?”
I open my mouth to answer, but snap it shut as the back of her hand meets my forehead.
Is she checking to see if I have a fever?
My eyes glide to Esther, who is holding in a laugh behind her hand, before returning my gaze to Joanna.
“You don’t have a temperature.” She lowers her hand.
“I feel fine,” I reassure her. “I’m just still getting adjusted to everything.”
“Give it one more week, and you’ll be a hundred percent adjusted,” Bekah chimes in. “I’m excited for you to sit in on your first Prayer tomorrow. Father Alexander is speaking more than usual. Father Keaton likes to lead most of the time, but he is slowly allowing Father Alexander to step in.”
I nod slowly, peering over to the table where Father Alexander is sitting with Father Keaton. They are in a deep conversation, but that doesn’t stop him from looking over at me. I divert my eyes immediately and bring my attention back to the girls.
“Can’t wait,” I say with enough enthusiasm for them to believe me.
“We like to sit in the first pews,” Joanna announces. “We feel that the message comes across better when we are in the front row.”
“Totally.” I glance again at Esther, who is quietly mocking Joanna, making me suppress a smile.
The blonde next to me doesn’t pay her any mind as she says, “We will save you a seat.”
I thank her and finally take a bite of my food, already dreading tomorrow.
Apparently, there is a special dress that we wear to Prayer. Can you guess the color? If you said white, you’d be correct.
Instead of cotton, this dress is made of fine silk. The fit still makes me look frumpy, but it’s nice to be wearing a different material. The cool fabric feels fresh against my skin.
For a moment, I close my eyes as I run my hands down the front of the dress, pretending like I’m somewhere else. A fancy work event. No, not something for work because I don’t even want to think about the job I no longer have.
Pushing the thought from my mind, I imagine I’m wearing an elegant ball gown.
I wore a similar material to a New Year’s party last year.
It was at a hotel, and when I got the invite, I couldn’t say no.
I immediately told Vince and Amelia about it, and we went as a trio, having the night of our lives.
The memory brings a sad smile to my lips because I miss them.
Before I can wallow in the sadness of missing my friends, there is a knock at my door. Opening my eyes, I blink back the tears and turn the handle. To my surprise, Esther is standing there, and I can’t help but laugh at the discomfort on her face.
“Don’t even say anything,” she warns me.
“But why not? That dress was made for you!” I tease.
“I feel like I’m about to be baptized.” She groans, but then her eyes light up. “Do you think they do that here? Like when they shove people in the water to wash away their sins?”
“Well, I don’t think they shove people into the water, Esther.” I step out of the room, shutting the door behind me. “But they might have a place where they do baptize people. I wouldn’t be surprised.”
“If I find it, maybe I’ll see if someone can just drown me in it to put me out of my misery,” Esther jokes as we walk down the hall toward the stairs.
“I’ve never met someone so dramatic.” I laugh. “Actually, that’s a lie. My best friend Vince is the most dramatic person I’ve ever met.”
“Is he cute?”
“He’s gay.”
“Damn.” She sighs. “You miss him?”
“Of course I do. He and my best friend Amelia.” My throat gets tight with emotion. “We are inseparable, so my being away from them is hard.”
“I used to have a friend like that.” Esther smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.
“What happened?”
“She died,” she responds with a shaky voice, but coughs and regains her composure.
“Emma got sick. I was there with her through every step until the end. I was a wreck after because I had known her my entire life. My dad was sick of me moping around after I lost my mom and then my best friend. He said that Emma getting sick and dying was meant to be. That it was God’s plan. ”
I feel the rage coming off of her, and I understand exactly what she is feeling. I hate when people would say that these shitty things that happen to good people were all a part of God’s plan. It made me want to rip my hair out.
“I’m so sorry.” I grab her hand in comfort. She glances down, giving my hand a squeeze.
Once we round the corner to the chapel, we let go of each other and head toward the entrance.
“Do we have to sit with Joanna and Bekah?” Esther asks.
“Do you usually?”
“She forces me too. But now that you are here, maybe we can stand up to her together.”
“I’m not sure I want to make enemies.”
When we pass the threshold, Joanna waves her hand for us to come to her. Almost as if she were waiting for our arrival. For a moment, she doesn’t look pleased that Esther and I have arrived together, but she quickly masks the emotion with a smile.
“Enemies in a place of holiness and love?” Esther questions.
“You never know,” I say quietly as we approach the front pews.
“Celine, you can sit by me.” She pats the empty seat beside her, the one closest to the aisle. “Esther, you can sit on the other side of Bekah.”
She is separating us. Esther flashes me a look as if to say, “Next Sunday, we are sitting by ourselves,” and then goes to sit next to Bekah. Joanna loops her arm around mine, and I fight the reaction of pulling away.
Make friends, not enemies.
The chatter around us dies down as Father Alexander steps on stage.
The chapel is silent as he sets a Bible and some papers on the podium.
He looks out at the crowd, scanning each row to make a connection with every woman in here.
His eyes find mine, staying there for a second longer than he did the other women, and then he clears his throat.
“Good morning, and welcome to Prayer,” he greets us, and in unison, the women say good morning to him.
“Father Keaton has discussed forgiveness last Sunday, and it is something that we all find ourselves seeking at some point in our lives, but we never dove into the steps you must take in prayer to pursue forgiveness from God.”
He pauses for a moment, letting his words resonate before continuing.
“The first thing you must do is acknowledge your sins. You need to reflect on the words you have spoken or the thoughts and actions that led you to search for this forgiveness.”
His eyes scan to mine, and it makes me hold my breath because it feels like a personal attack. His eyes don’t stay on me for long before he addresses the entire chapel.
“When you pray for forgiveness, it starts with acknowledging those sins and personal failures before God. You must accept these wrongdoings within yourself. Feeling that sincere sorrow for the wrongdoing is vitally important before you can move on to the next step, which is the confession.”
“This involves seeking mercy and expressing remorse, whether that is in prayer with God or by stepping into the confessional booth to speak with Father Keaton or me before having that conversation with God. Once you seek this mercy, you will be spiritually cleansed and restored to your relationship with God.”
“After confessing your sins and receiving forgiveness from Him, you need to stay committed to changing your behavior and keeping your actions and thoughts on the path that God would approve of.”
I swallow hard at his words, the information swirling around in my head like a hurricane. This is the first time that I haven’t gone off into another place in my mind while someone spoke in a church. What is it about Father Alexander that held my attention?
Did his words resonate with me? No, but there was something so hypnotizing about the way he spoke.
A soft-spoken Amen comes from beside me, and I realize it was Joanna. I don’t look in her direction, not wanting to take my eyes off Father Alexander, but I notice the way her arm tightens around mine.
“Don’t be afraid to ask for forgiveness.
Don’t feel ashamed to speak with God about your troubles.
For He will not judge you,” he offers a kind smile to the women before glancing my way again.
“I will not judge you. If you feel the need to confess, I will be in the booth after Father Keaton speaks. Now, let us pray.”
Everyone’s heads fall forward, eyes shut, as they chant the prayer along with Father Alexander. My head remains up, and I spare a glance at Esther, whose head is down, but her lips are not moving.
I look away, focusing my attention on the stage where Father Alexander leads the prayer. Briefly, as he recites something from the Bible, his eyes open and fall on me again. My heart picks up speed, and I quickly bow my head and shut my eyes, pretending to pray along with the rest.
Once he finishes, he gathers his notes and walks off stage, allowing Father Keaton to take over. This time, I do go off into that special place in my head because even though his voice holds as much enthusiasm for what he is discussing, it doesn’t draw me in as Father Alexander’s did.
The rest of Prayer, I stare off into space while Joanna still holds onto my arm, and I count down the seconds until this is over.