28. Father Alexander
Father Alexander
It feels weird to be wearing regular clothing.
The only time I dress in anything other than my work attire is at night while I’m sleeping.
I still had some of my personal belongings tucked away in a box underneath my bed, and getting them out to pack for my visit with my mother made me feel… normal.
Not that I didn’t feel normal in what I wear in the convent, but being in casual attire made me realize I never felt like myself in clerical clothing. Now, wearing a pair of jeans and a NYU hoodie that I stole off a buddy years ago, I look more like me.
Greenwich Village, New York, is only a twenty-five-minute drive from the airport I flew into, and getting a ride from the airport was pretty easy, seeing how it wasn’t busy. Cars were lined up waiting for their next customer.
I debated renting a car while I was here, but I remembered that my mother still has hers, even though everything she needs is within walking distance.
The Uber rolls up outside her apartment, a beautiful brick building with vines consuming the structure.
She moved here about a year and a half after my dad passed.
With me being a little shit and not visiting after his death, spending time alone in the house by herself became too much.
She couldn’t handle the grief of living there without him and decided she needed a change.
I fought her on it when she had told me because I couldn’t believe that she would get rid of our family home like that.
I vividly remember telling her it was like she was trying to wipe the rest of Dad’s memory away.
I’ve said a lot of awful shit to her in those times, but that is one of things I’ve regretted the most.
Once I got my head on straight, I realized the need for the move, and I don’t blame her anymore. I think maybe that was one of the reasons I stayed away from the home I grew up in after he died.
Even though my mother was there, and all of our belongings sat in each room, the house felt empty without him. Looking back now, if that was how I felt when I stepped foot into the house, I couldn’t imagine how my mom felt living there.
As I walk up the front steps and see the silver metal box where I have to buzz her apartment to get in, I stare at it for a moment because I had completely forgotten about having to do this.
Coming up with a quick plan, I press the button with her apartment number, and when I hear her, my chest warms.
“Hello?” Her voice has always sounded so polite. No matter who she was talking to.
“Delivery.” I deepen my tone so she won’t recognize that it’s me.
“Okay! Come right up!” she beams.
Well, that worked out. She must have been waiting for an actual delivery.
The sound of a loud buzzing shoots out into the quiet streets, and I open the door to start my ascent.
The apartment building doesn’t have an elevator, but luckily, she only lives on the second floor.
I stop outside her door, where a beautiful wreath of deep-orange flowers hangs for the month of October.
I drop my duffel bag and knock twice on the door. Shuffling sounds come from inside the apartment, and then the doorknob turns.
My mother opens the door, and her eyes go wide. “Alex?”
“Surprise!” I spread my arms wide, but they falter when I watch tears build up in her eyes. “Mom, don’t cry.”
She rushes me, wrapping her arms around my body. “Alex! My sweet boy!”
I hug her back, inhaling the familiar scent of her. “Hi, Mom.”
“I can’t believe you are here!” She pulls back, unwrapping her arms, and stares up at me in wonder with a big smile. “Come in!”
Picking up the bag, I step into her apartment and can’t help but grin. Her place is spacious, a rare occurrence in New York. The flooring is a dark wood, matching the massive bookshelf that lines her living room wall.
She has pops of color everywhere in here.
The couch is deep green, and burnt-orange pillows lie neatly on the cushions, a faded yellow blanket draped across the back.
She has plants scattered across the area, which is nothing new.
At our old house, she loved having plants in every corner of the room.
“Are you thirsty? Hungry? That was a long flight.” She walks into the kitchen, opening the fridge, but then sighs at the lack of food. “I was planning on going grocery shopping today.”
“I’m good for now,” I reassure her. “I’ll take you grocery shopping later.”
“Honey, you do not have to do that.” She shuts the fridge door and turns to me. “I’m more than capable of doing it myself.”
“I know you are, but I want to.”
“Fine.” She huffs. “How long are you visiting for?”
“Five days,” I tell her.
“Lucky me,” she smiles. “Why don’t you get settled in, and then we can go out for some lunch. There is a deli down the street that I know you will love.”
“Sounds like a plan.” I flash her one more smile before turning and heading to the guest room to unpack.
She was right. I love the deli. We’ve just got our food, and I’ve already devoured half of my sandwich. My mother stares at me like I’m an animal.
“Do they not feed you at the church?”
I laugh, holding the sandwich up. “They do, but it’s nothing like this. Plus, I don’t leave much to explore. Only to go to the coffee shop that is down the street, but lately that has been sparse.”
“Seems like your work is consuming you if you don’t have time to enjoy yourself.” She pulls a potato chip out of the small bag and pops it into her mouth.
That’s the thing: I do have time to enjoy myself, just not by going out to explore the neighborhood. I spend my time exploring Celine. The thought of her entering my mind has me shifting in my seat.
How is it that I’ve only been gone for fourteen hours and I already miss her? I guess having her pop into my head is good, since she is the reason I booked this trip.
“I make time for myself,” I ease her worry. “But the reason I wanted to come visit was to talk to you.”
“Here I thought it was because you missed me,” she lightly jokes.
“I do miss you. That was the main reason, but there is something else, and I knew a phone call wouldn’t suffice.”
“What’s going on, Alex? Are you in trouble again?” My heart drops at her question and the way her expression becomes worried.
I hate that’s what she assumes. That I’ve fallen off the deep end again.
“No,” I reassure her. “I’m in no trouble, I promise.”
“Good.” Her body and face relax. “Tell me. What’s going on?”
“I know I made a vow to the priesthood, but… I don’t know—” I rub the back of my neck. “Lately, I’ve been second-guessing the lifestyle.”
“I see,” she says, resting back into the booth. “What made you have doubts?”
I roll my jaw and inhale a deep breath before I answer. “A woman.”
My mother’s eyes light up, and she pushes herself forward in her seat. “A woman?”
“She is a woman in the convent—a newer member.”
“And what is this woman’s name?” It’s funny how she is trying to hide her excitement over my meeting someone.
“Celine. You would honestly love her.” I grin. “She’s hardheaded, does whatever she wants.”
The light dims in her eyes. “She’s not trouble, is she?”
I silently laugh because yes, yes, she is. “Not in the way you are worried about. Being around her all the time has opened my eyes to life outside the convent, and I wonder if I made a mistake.”
“With joining?”
“Yeah. At the time, it felt like the right thing to do.” I swallow hard, praying no tears spill from my eyes as I begin to walk down memory lane.
“After dad passed, and I was tangled up in all that shit, stumbling into that church was like a sign to get my life right. It’s what I needed at the moment, but now…
I’m not sure if it’s how I want to continue to live my life. ”
She is nodding slowly as she takes it all in. “The church presented itself to you at a time of need, and I am proud of the man you have become, Alex. I truly am. Your father would be, too.”
My throat tightens. “I just don’t want to disappoint either of you.”
Her hand reaches across the table, grabs mine, and squeezes it in comfort. “Oh, sweetheart, don’t think that way. No matter what you do, we would never be disappointed in you.”
“Even with the time in my life when I was a complete ass?”
Her eyes begin to gloss over. “That time of your life, I was disappointed with the choices you were making because I knew you were better than that. As much as I wanted to help you, I knew I couldn’t.
You needed to want the help. I am thankful that you found the church when you did, because I was afraid that one day I would lose you, too.
But no matter what you did, it never, ever, made me love you any less. ”
The water builds up in my eyes, and I twist my mouth to stop myself from crying in public.
“What I am trying to say is that, if you decide to leave the church, I won’t be disappointed. All I want is for you to be happy, Alex.”
I blink multiple times, nodding before staring up at the ceiling. This is what I needed to hear. That no matter what I do, she will always be there for me. When I clear my eyes and look at my mom, there is a smirk playing on her lips.
“This Celine, do you want to be with her?”
“It’s complicated.”
“Because of the situation, but if you weren’t a priest and you met her in a completely different place, would you want to be with her?”
I think about it for a minute. The time Celine and I have spent together has been brief, and we may only be hooking up, but the connection is strong.
It’s unlike anything I’ve felt before, except it makes me wonder if the things I’m feeling towards her are because she is a temptation and off-limits.
Would I feel the same way if there wasn’t anything preventing us from being together? No obstacles making it tricky. If I could have her whenever I wanted, wherever I wanted, would it make me feel the same, or would it not be as thrilling as it is when we have to keep it a secret?
Is it an adrenaline rush that causes me to feel something towards Celine that I haven’t ever felt with anyone else before?
I push my doubts aside because I genuinely believe that it was fate that sent her to the convent. I also think that if she were sent to me on purpose, it would have also happened outside of the convent.
“I would,” I finally respond. “But I’m not sure she feels the same.”
She hums. “What sort of relationship do you have with her now?”
I click my tongue against the roof of my mouth. “I broke my vow for her.”
“Oh.” My mother’s eyes grow wide now, knowing exactly what that means. “Okay. That type of relationship.”
“It’s wrong, I know,” I say. “But being with her feels right.”
“Then you need to talk with her.”
My face scrunches. “She’s only been there for a little over three weeks, and given the circumstances, is that even enough time to talk about a relationship?”
She chuckles. “I knew I wanted to marry your father after our first date. When you know, you know.”
That makes me feel a bit better. She is right, as she always is. I need to talk to Celine about how I’m feeling, and hope she feels the same way.