CH 41 - #wasted
Rhys
Song: “Wasted On You” by Morgan Wallen
JACKSON WAS STILL pounding on my front door, but I wasn’t in the mood to see him or anybody. So I kept sitting on my couch with a glass of whiskey in my hand, staring at my TV.
“Rhys, answer the fucking door!” Jackson yelled.
I stayed where I was.
“I’m going to count to ten, and if you don’t let me in, I’m busting into your house!” my brother continued.
He started calling out numbers, so I got up from the damn couch. If I hadn’t, replacing my door would’ve been necessary. When I opened it, I glared at Jackson, and he glared back.
“Just leave me alone,” I told him.
He pushed past me and came into my house. “How much have you had to drink today?” he asked.
“Not enough.”
“I think you have. You look and smell like dog shit.”
“Appreciate that.”
“Man, stop this!”
“Stop yelling at me, or I’m going to knock you on your ass.”
“I can take you.”
I half-laughed. “You’ve never been able to take me.”
“When you’re drunk, I damn sure can.”
Jackson stepped up to me, grabbed my glass of whiskey out of my hand, and threw it down onto my floor, shattering it. I pulled back my arm to punch him in the face, but he nailed me first. I stumbled backward and landed on my ass in my open doorway. Then I laid down and closed my eyes as my head spun.
“You’re slowly killing yourself, drinking like this,” Jackson said.
“I already feel dead.”
“But you’re not. Come on. It’s time for us to have the talk of talks about your high school sweetheart.”
I opened my eyes to see my brother leaning over me. He grabbed me underneath my arms, and I held onto him as he helped me get back on my feet. Then he walked me to my living room, and we sat on the couch.
“You’re tearing yourself up over Riley when you don’t have to,” he began.
“What?”
“Man, she’s talked to Rachel so many times and swears nothing was going on between her and Chad. Rachel believes her, I believe her—hell, everyone does. Why can’t you?”
I shook my head. “I just can’t.”
“Why? You know Riley.”
“I thought I did. She fooled me again.”
“She did nothing of the sort.”
I pulled my eyes away from Jackson and stared at my TV, which wasn’t on and hadn’t been, but the screen suddenly lit up.
Rosalie.
“Yeah, my ghost is still here,” I said.
“Mine is still around, too, turning on lights in my house after Rachel and I go to bed.”
My brother grew quiet, and my mind returned to Riley. I thought about the last time I saw her. When I pulled into her driveway, the horror on her face was to be expected because she hadn’t expected me to catch her with Chad. I arrived early at her duplex because I wanted to surprise her, but I was the one who was surprised.
That day haunted me, especially the tears Riley cried as I ended our relationship. My heart wanted to believe she’d been faithful to me and hadn’t messed around with Chad, but my head wouldn’t allow it.
Even if she had been faithful, I believed she would’ve grown restless again and wanted more in time. More than me, more than our hometown. By calling it quits with her, I sped up the second heartbreak I was sure to receive anyway.
“Brother?” Jackson said.
I looked over at him. “What?”
“I want you to dig deep within yourself. You know the truth about Riley.”
“I know the truth about me. I’ll never be enough for her.”
“Where is that coming from?”
“Experience.”
“Have you forgotten what Riley said about regretting ending things with you last year?”
“Nope.”
“Have you forgotten the understanding you gave her about it, following her dreams and all?”
“Nope.”
“Did you really understand her? Or did you tell her that because you wanted her back so badly?”
“I understood her.”
“Then how is it that you don’t now? Riley hasn’t changed. You know her like the back of your hand, and you know her heart. It belongs to you and always has, just like yours has always belonged to her.”
I stared at Jackson and then looked back at the TV. Yellowstone was on—a scene of Beth and Rip kissing. Seeing them, I thought about how long they’d loved each other. I also thought about their fights and splitting up, only to get back together because they couldn’t stay apart.
I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV because I couldn’t keep watching Beth and Rip. They reminded me too much of Riley and me.
“I’ve said what I came here to say to you about Riley. Do what you will with it. In the meantime, think about Mom,” Jackson said.
I looked back over at him.
“She’s worried about you and misses seeing you,” he went on to tell me. “You know how much she needs both of us right now.”
I leaned over and started throwing up on the floor. Jackson ran to my kitchen, grabbed the hand towel on the counter by the sink, and hurried back into the living room.
After my wave of nausea had passed, I laid my head back against the wall behind my couch while Jackson cleaned up my embarrassing mess. When he was done, he walked me to my bathroom, stripped me down, and helped me get into my shower. About fifteen minutes later, I got out, dried off, put on clean clothes, and lay across my bed.
Right afterward, Jackson came into my room to tell me he was leaving and to call him if I needed anything. I told him that I would and also that I loved him.
He replied, “I love you, too, you asshole. Get your shit together.”
Brothers.
It was morning now, and I’d just awakened from having another dream about Riley. This one wasn’t sexual, though. I kept trying to reach Riley in it, running after her as she ran away from me. But with every step I took, she moved further away until I couldn’t see her anymore.
I sat up and swung my legs to the side of my bed, resting my feet on the cool hardwood floor. My whole body ached due to all the whiskey I’d drank yesterday. I needed to stop turning to it because no matter how much I consumed, it was never enough to numb me to the point that I didn’t feel Riley anymore.
I still sensed her, as if she were here with me. I could still feel her lips on mine, her fingers in my hair, and her skin on mine. I could still feel her body beneath me and feel her tightening up as I made her lose control. I could still hear her breathy moans, sweet whispers, and contagious laughter. And I could still see her emerald eyes shining whenever she looked at me.
I needed a strong cup of coffee, so I headed down the hallway to my kitchen to brew one. When I rounded the corner, I saw that my sugar jar had been tipped over again. The granules had two linked hearts drawn in them.
“Rosalie, would you give me a break? Please?” I begged.
Then, her image appeared next to my sink.
“Why are you doing this?” I continued.
She float-walked over to the sugar, smoothed it out with her glowing hand, and wrote “soulmates” with her fingertip.
“Riley and me? You believe we’re soulmates?”
Rosalie nodded as I heard her say, “Yes,” in my head.
“I used to, but not anymore. Please leave me alone. I don’t need any more reminders from you about Riley. They hurt too much.”
Rosalie’s eyes saddened, and she disappeared. Seconds later, I heard something fall in my bedroom and rushed down the hallway. My box of keepsakes of Riley and me was on the floor, and all of its contents had been dumped out.
“Goddamn it, Rosalie! That’s it!” I yelled.
I got down on my knees and threw everything back into the box, trying not to cry but failing. Then I carried all those memories of Riley and me to my pit fire to burn them.
I’d just struck a match when I heard Riley say, “Rhys, don’t.” I spun around in the direction her voice had come, but she was nowhere to be seen.I was losing my fucking mind.