Chapter 1 #2
I remember that week. It was exactly as you would have expected it to be in the run-up to a big, carefully planned wedding. While Mum flapped around with seating plans and last minutes tweaks to the catering, I had the week off work in order to help her.
When the wedding had dominated my thoughts for months, now that it was almost here, I couldn’t believe I was questioning it. Was I making a mistake? Was Adam a sign? Now, it seems more than purely coincidence when I bumped into Adam again, the evening after my hen party.
On my way back from my parents’ house, I stopped at the local shop to pick up some wine. As I opened the door and walked in, he was coming out.
‘Hi.’ He looked surprised. ‘Tilly, isn’t it?’ In blue jeans and a white T-shirt, he was every bit as hot as I remembered.
I felt my cheeks grow warm as I nodded. ‘Hi.’ I paused. ‘I never thanked you for the champagne last night. It was really nice of you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ His eyes appraised me. ‘How’s your head today?’
‘Fine,’ I said honestly. ‘No hangover whatsoever – which is more than I can say for my sister.’ I’d had a call from a very sorry-for-herself Lizzie on my way here.
He looked amused. ‘I guess that’s how hen parties go – not that I’ve ever been to one.’ He paused. ‘You must be counting down the days.’
‘I am. It’s hard to believe it’s almost here,’ I admitted, suddenly uncomfortable.
But at that moment, I didn’t want to think about my wedding.
I was curious to know more about Adam. ‘Do you live around here? It’s just I’ve never seen you before.
’ Realising how lame it sounded, I went on.
‘I mean, it’s a small town. And I’ve lived around here most of my life. ’
‘My place is about five minutes away.’ He nodded in the direction of the park.
I frowned. When it was so close to where Gareth and I lived, I wondered how it had taken until now for our paths to cross.
‘I moved here a couple of weeks ago,’ he explained. ‘I ended a long-term relationship. It felt like the right time for a change of scene.’ He stepped back to let another customer into the shop.
‘Do you think you’ll stay?’ I was making small talk, anything to keep him from walking away.
‘For now.’ He smiled. ‘So you grew up here?’
I nodded. ‘Near here. In a village – a couple of miles away. I moved into town a couple of years ago – with my fiancé.’ As I spoke, I was conscious it sounded like I’d never done anything, or been anywhere. But the truth was, I hadn’t.
‘Cool.’ He stood there. ‘Well, I should probably let you get on.’ He hesitated. ‘It was really nice to see you again.’
I stood there, smiling. ‘You too.’ I was still standing there as he turned and walked away.
That was when it hit me. It didn’t matter how wrong this was, so close to my wedding, I didn’t want him to go.
But what could I do? Swallowing my disappointment, I went into the shop and bought a bottle of wine.
As I stepped outside into the evening sun again, I clutched the bottle, all too aware that seeing Adam, even fleetingly, had made me feel more alive than I’d ever felt. Fishing in my pocket for my keys, I walked back to my car. Then as I reached it, I heard footsteps behind me.
‘Tilly?’
Even before I turned around, I knew it was him.
‘I’m sorry.’ Adam hesitated. ‘Look, I know you’re getting married. And you can tell me where to go, if that’s what you want. You’d be completely within your rights. But I was wondering, if you had ten minutes, or twenty even, if I could buy you a coffee – or something?’
I gazed at him, at the face I barely knew but wanted to touch, hair I wanted to run my fingers through.
Given the commitment I was about to make to Gareth, I knew this was the moment I should have been walking away.
But even if I’d wanted to, I couldn’t have.
I looked at him, wondering if he could hear my heart starting to race. ‘OK.’
He seemed to exhale visibly. ‘I’m guessing around here isn’t the best idea.’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t see why not. I mean, we’re only going for a coffee.’
‘You’re right.’ Looking relieved, he glanced across the road. ‘There’s a little cafe at the other end of the park – how about there?’
I left the bottle of wine I’d just bought in my car and locked it again, feeling oddly self-conscious as we start walking.
‘Gorgeous evening, isn’t it?’ It was one of those balmy summer evenings, the air still warm, only the faintest layer of high cloud in a sky of deepest blue. He gazed up at the sky briefly. ‘It is.’ He glanced sideways at me. ‘I’m sorry. I suppose I did rather spring that on you.’
‘You did.’ I smiled. ‘So, how are you finding it, living here?’ I was trying to hide how out of my comfort zone I felt.
‘It’s good. It’s a short commute to work – and I like the people I’ve met. So far, at least.’
As his arm brushed against mine, I felt a jolt of something. Taking it to mean it was me he was talking about, I felt my heart miss a beat. ‘So what happened with your girlfriend?’
‘It’s a long story I won’t go into. We probably stayed together too long.
I suppose so much was still good between us.
It made it much harder. She’s a great person.
’ He shrugged. ‘But the heart doesn’t lie, does it?
When it comes to love, I think it’s simple.
If you know something isn’t right, you’re with the wrong person. ’
I stifled a gasp. Was it really that simple? If so, what was I doing with Gareth? ‘All relationships go through rough patches, don’t they? How did you know it wasn’t just that?’
He was silent for a moment. ‘I have a theory – it’s only a theory.
But I believe in soulmates. I believe we know when we meet them.
It feels like nothing you’ve ever known before – in a way that defies logic.
You can’t explain it, but it’s like you already know each other.
You get each other, in a way other people never can. ’
I was lost for words as he described what I’d never felt with Gareth, that I didn’t want to admit I was feeling for him. ‘And you didn’t feel that way about her?’ I wanted to be sure about what he was saying.
He shook his head. ‘No.’
‘Aren’t you worried you might be looking for something that doesn’t exist?’ I asked tentatively.
‘Not at all. I know it exists.’ He pauses, looking at me. ‘I’ve felt it, Tilly. Just once.’
I told myself it was probably a line he tried with all the girls.
But then my eyes gazed into his. He was talking about us.
I knew he was. But before I could speak, the moment was broken as a dog came running up.
At the same instant, I glimpsed Lizzie across the park.
Keeping my head down, I steered Adam away from her.
‘My sister – in yellow running gear. Probably trying to run off her hangover. Don’t look,’ I muttered under my breath.
But it was too late. She’d seen us. She ran over and stopped in front of us. ‘Tilly! What are you doing here?’ Even pink and flushed from exertion, my sister looked stunning.
‘I felt like a walk.’ I shrugged. ‘It’s such a lovely evening! Believe it or not, we bumped into each other.’ I glanced at Adam. ‘You remember my sister, Lizzie, right?’
‘I do. I’m Adam.’ He held out his hand.
Now, I’d been counting on Lizzie not remembering. She’d been rather more piddled than I had that night – though clearly not as piddled as I’d thought.
Giving me a what the fuck’s going on look, her eyes widened as she looked at me then back to him again. ‘You’re the guy from the hen party – who bought us champagne.’
‘That’s right.’ He looked at her awkwardly. ‘Well, a wedding’s a special time, isn’t it? I suppose you could say I’m a sucker for a happy ending.’
‘Gosh.’ Sounding slightly shocked, Lizzie met my eyes. There was astonishment in them; confusion, too.
‘I should leave you two to it,’ Adam said quickly. ‘You must have plenty to talk about – with the wedding coming up, I mean.’
‘Don’t go on my account.’ Lizzie glanced at her watch. ‘Shit. I’m going out this evening – again, glutton for punishment that I am. And I’m going to be late. Nice to see you, Adam. And I’ll see you in the morning, Tills. Don’t be late.’
‘The morning?’ I frowned.
‘The marquee,’ she said impatiently. ‘We’re going to start decorating it – for your wedding – remember?’
As she carried on running, Adam turned to me. ‘I hope we haven’t put the cat amongst the pigeons.’
‘We were just walking.’ But instead of its earlier lightness, my heart felt heavy.
If this was just walking, why this guilt?
‘You know, maybe I should go back. You see, I’m not quite sure what we’re doing here.
’ I gazed at him. ‘I mean, I’m about to get married – and you and I are practically strangers. ’
‘You’re right.’ A look I couldn’t read crossed his face. ‘It’s just that…’
My eyes met his. ‘Just what?’
‘Is it just me?’ He hesitated. ‘Because it doesn’t feel like that, does it? Like we’re strangers?’
Thoughts crowded my mind. Thoughts that didn’t belong there, that I was struggling to make sense of. Emotions, ditto; feelings I’d never known before. ‘It doesn’t.’ I felt a brief, delicious curl of something inside me, before guilt struck again. ‘I really have to go,’ I said quietly.
‘You’ve done nothing wrong. We’re just walking.’ As he spoke, there was something about his voice.
‘But we’re not, are we?’ This time, the words burst out of me. ‘I feel something – something I shouldn’t. Not when I’m getting married this weekend – to Gareth.’
Without waiting for him to reply, I turned and started heading back to my car, fighting the urge to look back, to see if he was still there, watching me.
Reaching my car, I got in and just sat there for a moment. What was I playing at? I loved Gareth. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him – it had already been decided.
Even if I’d wanted to, when Mum had been living and breathing our wedding for the last few months, there was no way I could change my mind at this stage.
As memories come flooding back, I remember how conflicted, how out of my depth I felt.
I watch the uncertainty ripple across the younger me’s face.
The truth is the dilemma I was in has been lost in the years that have passed.
I made my decision. Since, I’ve mostly buried all thoughts of Adam; thrown myself into married life, until said married life spat me out again.
Now, however, given this window onto the past, I’m questioning myself. The way I’d rationalised how drawn I’d felt to Adam; why it seemed worse to cancel a wedding than to marry the wrong man. What had I been thinking?
But I’d believed I loved Gareth. It’s easy enough with hindsight, though, to see how in marrying him, I’d made a mistake of monumental proportions. The gift of good old hindsight – and it was one that changed the course of the rest of my life.
When a part of me had always known Gareth and I were missing something, it’s no surprise that ever since, our relationship had been so up and down. Even before we were married, the warning signs had been there.
It seems now that meeting Adam had been one of those signs; a gift, to jolt me out of the complacency I shouldn’t have been so comfortable with. But instead of listening to my instincts, I’d blocked them out.
What if… I find myself thinking. What if I could go back…
If I could have found my courage. Told Gareth it wasn’t right between us; that there was no rush to get married.
That we were young; I needed time. Had a conversation I would have absolutely dreaded with my parents.
And OK, so my dad would have had plenty to say on the subject of commitment, but after the initial disappointment, I like to think they would have understood.
And I would have been free – to be myself; to see where this thing with Adam would have taken us.
But if I had, I wouldn’t have the twins, would I? Now, I can’t bear even the thought of a life without Robbie and Alex. Even knowing what I know now, I’d marry Gareth again in a heartbeat rather than not have them in my life.
I feel myself sigh. Gareth and I were never soulmates. I doubt Gareth even knows what a soulmate is. Whereas Adam…