Chapter 4 #2
‘It really is shit,’ I said tearfully. ‘After all this time, I’ve never imagined I couldn’t count on us.
Or he’d betray me like this.’ I stopped suddenly.
‘Maybe he’ll realise what a mistake he’s made.
Maybe he just needs time.’ Hope washed over me as I looked at my friend.
‘I can’t believe I haven’t thought of this. I just have to be patient, don’t I?’
‘Tilly…’ Elena hesitated. ‘I completely get how you must be feeling. And I know you’ve had the most terrible shock, but we need to deal with the facts.’
I blinked at her. ‘I know what Gareth’s said, but we don’t actually know what he’s thinking, do we?’ My mind was all over the place. ‘Maybe it’s because he’s only just found out Olivia’s pregnant. Maybe he’s overreacting and he’ll change his mind…’
‘Hold on a moment.’ Elena stared at me. ‘Olivia’s the woman?’ When I nod, she went on. ‘She’s pregnant?’ She sounded incredulous.
I nodded miserably. ‘That’s the whole problem, isn’t it? He’ll be feeling like he has a duty to be there.’
‘Shit.’ Elena looked stunned.
‘It’s complete shit.’ I felt utterly wretched as I watched Elena take a slug of her wine.
‘I can’t believe this,’ she muttered. ‘Honestly. What is he thinking?’
‘That he doesn’t want me,’ I said self-pityingly.
‘Oh Tilly…’ Elena sighed. ‘Please don’t take this the wrong way… But doesn’t this show you what kind of man Gareth really is?’ She frowned. ‘But hang on. Didn’t you tell me that when you got pregnant, he said he never wanted kids… Why has he done it again?’
‘I don’t know,’ I say miserably. My hands are shaky as I drink a large mouthful of wine. ‘I thought we were good. I honestly thought Gareth had changed,’ I said sadly. ‘Sometimes people do – and he’s a good father.’
‘He really is not,’ my friend reminded me.
‘He’s a selfish bastard. Look at that ridiculous car he bought himself, when yours was falling apart – and you couldn’t afford for the boys to go on that school ski trip.
I still remember how upset you were. And it was you who took them to uni and carted all their stuff up flights of stairs, times two, because they’re twins.
Where was he those days?’ I opened my mouth to speak, but holding up one of her hands, she silenced me.
‘Gareth is all about Gareth. What’s happening now is all the proof you need.
We both know he doesn’t give a hoot about anyone else.
’ Elena paused. ‘He’s a moron, Tilly. Surely you can see that?
’ She sounded irritated. ‘This Olivia is probably younger and more glamorous than you, because she hasn’t raised two kids or looked after a husband for twenty years,’ she said.
‘The bottom line is his ego’s out of control, not to mention his…
Never mind. He’ll come crashing back to earth.
I bet you anything it won’t last – not once she finds out what he’s really like.
But it will be too late,’ she said sternly.
‘Because by then, you’ll have worked out you really are better off without him. ’
‘But I’m not,’ I wailed self-pityingly.
Elena gave me a moment. ‘Oh Tilly… I know this has been forced on you, which really sucks. It’s horrible and hurtful – and there’s no getting around any of that.
But you’re you, Tilly.’ Her eyes were filled with love.
‘You’re this wonderful, sparkly, strong person – if Gareth can’t see that, it’s his loss.
Look.’ She paused. ‘You don’t need him. And I’m here for you.
You’re going to be OK.’ Her eyes searched mine. ‘You do know that, don’t you?’
‘Thanks, El.’ I wanted to believe her. But it felt like my entire world was crumbling around me. ‘I’ll have to sort the house out, won’t I?’ A lump stuck in my throat.
‘At some point. When it suits you, though. Don’t be pushed around by Gareth,’ she said angrily. ‘But after…’ Her voice softened. ‘You’ll have money in the bank. You’ll be free, Tilly. You could move somewhere new – or have an adventure.’
My mouth fell open. It was too similar to what Lizzie had said, as the thought fleetingly entered my head – Could Lizzie have seen what was coming?
‘I don’t want to move,’ I muttered miserably.
‘There’s my job to think about, too. If I move out, how will I find somewhere to live?
’ An image came to me of a tiny house with a dingy sitting room; of mould growing up the walls, a pervading smell of damp filling the air.
‘You don’t even like your job,’ Elena said gently.
‘I know.’ But this wasn’t about my job. ‘Gareth and I have been married for twenty-two years. It can’t be over – just like that.’ My voice wobbled. It was a long time to just give up on.
‘Oh Tilly. Gareth’s been a huge part of your life.’ Elena’s voice was kind. ‘I know it must feel like forever.’
Which was nice of her to acknowledge, only from the way she said it, I was fairly sure she didn’t mean it in a good way.
She sighed. ‘But haven’t you ever felt like you were missing something?’
Her question caught me on the hop. ‘Not really. I don’t know… I’m not sure I’ve thought about it. I like my life. Or at least, I used to.’ More tears rolled down my cheeks, but in spite of them, I couldn’t help noticing how lame it sounded, even to me. ‘I guess I always thought he was the one.’
* * *
Hold on a moment. I can’t believe I actually said that. Gareth was the one? But it was what I wanted to believe, even after meeting Adam. It was the only way to justify the choice I’d made to marry him – even to myself.
What a mess it was, Tilly, I remonstrate with myself.
But Elena was right. That point in my life that was the end of something, as I went forward would also be a beginning.
But back then, caught up in the moment, I was unable to see that.
Though there was no question in my mind, that Elena got it. She completely got it.
* * *
Elena almost choked on her drink. ‘TILLY. I can tell you this much, he most definitely is not the one. If he was, he wouldn’t have done this to you. If I were you, I’d get that house sorted straight away. Then I’d move out and get as far away from here as humanly possible.’
‘I can’t do that,’ I said stubbornly. ‘Too many people rely on me.’
‘Oh God.’ Elena’s patience disappeared as she rested her head in her hands.
Then she added more gently, ‘Gareth obviously doesn’t.
’ She broke off. ‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound brutal, but try to forget Gareth for a moment.
Maybe it’s time to think about what you need.
The twins are away at uni – and I’m sure your boss will understand if you want to take a break. ’
‘I’m already on compassionate leave,’ I said wretchedly.
‘I know – and maybe they’ll let you extend it, especially if you explain why.’ Elena paused. ‘I suppose what I’m saying is that even though it doesn’t feel like it, you do have choices. You could move out of the house today – if you wanted to.’
I gazed at her in horror. ‘There’s no way I could do that.’ She was mad to even suggest it. I had the boys to think of. And my dad. And the home that was filled with so many precious things.
‘OK. Maybe today is a bit extreme. But there’s no reason why you couldn’t pack what you want, find a divorce lawyer – ask someone at your firm, maybe.
Then call Gareth and tell him he can sort out the rest. It’s not really on, thinking he can fuck off to live with Olivia and leave everything to you.
’ She sounded cross again. ‘Have you told your dad?’
I shook my head. ‘Not yet.’ My heart sank even lower. In my dad’s eyes, marriage was till death us do part. In a million years, he would never get this.
* * *
‘He’s what?’ My dad looked shocked. ‘That can’t be right. What’s been going on, Tilly?’ Almost as though this was my fault.
He’s shacked up with another woman who’s pregnant with his child, I wanted to say. ‘He’s been having an affair. For a while – I’ve only just found out.’
‘You need to talk to him. Sort things out,’ he said, as though it was that simple. ‘Do the boys know?’
‘I’m going to call them this evening.’ I looked at him. ‘I’m sorry, Dad.’ Then I frowned. Why was I apologising for something I hadn’t done?
My emotionally stunted father just shook his head. ‘I have to say, I expected more of Gareth. Most disappointing.’ His face was unreadable. ‘Couldn’t sort some washing while you’re here, could you?’
I stared at him. I’d just told him Gareth was leaving me and he’s asked me to do his frigging washing. ‘I have to go, Dad.’ I paused. ‘Don’t you think it’s time you found a cleaner?’
* * *
As I drove home, I thought about what Elena had said.
Brutally honest as they were, I was forced to admit her words made an odd sort of sense.
The idea of going somewhere far away from here briefly pulled at me, but once I got home, inside the house, nostalgia had me in its grip again.
Everywhere I looked, there were ghosts of family gatherings, the twins growing up, birthdays, Christmases…
Not to mention those gorgeous curtains I had made just a year ago.
The matching cushions, the year-old, state-of-the-art kitchen that Lizzie designed.
The list went on. The thought of leaving it all behind felt like cutting off my right arm.