Chapter 6 #2
It had to be the way to go, I decided. To turn those moments of loss on their heads and look for the flip side – shopping being one of them, music another. Just like not washing my hair for days if the mood took me, or wearing my oldest, scruffiest clothes.
I pushed my trolley across the car park. Then as I reached my car, I heard a voice call out.
‘Tilly?’
I turned to see Tallulah standing there.
Tallulah was a therapist I’d met while I was pregnant with the twins and Gareth’s unwanted impending fatherhood almost broke us up.
But I was digressing. She and I became friends, but lost touch a few years back after she moved to the States.
Tall, with mobile eyebrows, Tallulah was a little irreverent; friendship giving her the right to speak her mind, at times somewhat bluntly.
‘You’re back,’ I said delightedly. ‘Why haven’t you told me?’
‘I got back last week, and funnily enough I have called you, only for some reason you haven’t been answering.’ She looked at me questioningly. ‘Is everything OK?’
I took in Tallulah’s oversized loose-fitting jeans and emerald-green T-shirt, her long red hair messily scrunched into a topknot.
‘Great, thanks.’ I paused. Why was I lying to her?
‘Actually…’ Faced with a sympathetic face, I completely forgot about flipping the script.
Taking a deep breath, there in the middle of the car park, I blurted out the whole sorry story of Gareth leaving me for Olivia who was pregnant, how useless I felt.
How in a short space of time, I’d lost Lizzie and left my job, how I was most likely about to lose my home, too. How my entire life was in ruins.
‘Fuck.’ She looked shocked. ‘I’m so sorry, Tilly. I didn’t know about Lizzie. That’s so sad.’
‘Thanks. It was.’ I swallowed the lump that was suddenly in my throat. ‘Truth be told, I’m up and down. But I’m trying to pull myself together.’ I squared my shoulders, channelled my inner Bridget Jones. ‘Don’t really have a choice, do I?’
‘I can’t believe this.’ Tallulah genuinely looked amazed. ‘The way I remember it, Gareth never wanted children.’
‘I know. It’s a joke, isn’t it? I just want everything to go back to how it was,’ I said quietly, watching one of her eyebrows tilt upwards slightly.
But as I spoke I was already realising, it wasn’t exactly true.
‘I mean, I did to start with. But now… I’m not so sure.
’ I wasn’t sure where the words were coming from.
‘I don’t think you can go back, can you?
Not after something like this has happened?
’ I broke off, slightly astounded with myself.
‘Quite likely not.’ She frowned. ‘There’s another way to look at this.
A few days ago, you didn’t know your husband was cheating on you – and has been for some time, by the sounds of things.
’ She fiddled absent-mindedly with an escaped strand of her long hair.
‘It’s quite a lot to get your head around, and I imagine it’s changed everything – about how you see both him and you.
’ She looked at me kindly. ‘You need to give yourself time to process this.’
‘I think you’re right. That’s the hardest thing, that I didn’t see it coming. Gareth and I…’ I broke off, not sure how to say it without sounding weak.
‘Gareth and you what?’ Tallulah looked at me questioningly.
I sighed. ‘You must have met so many couples who have a crisis at some point. And I know not everyone stays together.’ I hesitated. ‘But after twenty-two years, a part of me thinks he shouldn’t just have walked away – not without at least trying?’
‘Are you expecting me to tell you what to do?’ She raised both her eyebrows.
‘You’re the therapist,’ I reminded her, only part jokingly.
‘Tilly… You know what I’m going to say. Part of this is about finding your own answers. If Gareth really doesn’t want to try and make things right between you, you can’t force him. But…’
I stared at her. ‘But what?’
‘I don’t mean to be brutal, but the question you should be asking yourself is why you would even want him back.’
It was the same word Elena had used – brutal. And it was easy for her to say. ‘This isn’t just about me, Tallulah. What about everyone else this affects? Our sons? My brother-in-law. My father, even.’
She looked at me as though I was mad. ‘What about them? OK, I can understand you worrying about your sons. But if you want to know what I think, I’d say you’re not seeing this clearly.
And also, just to be perfectly clear, this isn’t about your father or anyone else,’ she said firmly.
‘Firstly, it’s a myth that children are better off with both parents.
It really does depend on the parents. Take Gareth…
’ She hesitated. ‘Is he a wonderful father?’ Her blue eyes gazed at me.
When I didn’t speak, she went on. ‘In any case, your sons are grown up, aren’t they? ’
‘They’re at uni. But they still need to come home for Christmases and holidays.’
‘Oh Tilly. Of course they will. But it won’t matter where you are.
And they have their own lives now.’ She shook her head.
‘Remember when you were at uni? I bet the last thing you thought about was going home to see your parents. Anyway, as I just said, your marriage isn’t about anyone else.
It’s about you and Gareth.’ She paused. ‘You’ve had your ups and downs… but have you been happy?’
‘Yes.’ But it was automatic. A knee-jerk reflex, rather than a conscious one.
From the look on her face, it was clear she didn’t believe me.
‘Remember the first time you came to see me?’ she said gently.
‘Yes.’ My eyes were suddenly filled with tears.
‘It must have been about twenty years ago.’ Tallulah looked thoughtful. ‘It wasn’t an easy time for you.’
‘It wasn’t. But that’s the whole point. We got over it. We were fine. You’ve seen us together over the years,’ I added.
‘I remember you saying once that you and Gareth were comfortable together. You could have been talking about a pair of old socks.’ Tallulah was silent for a moment.
‘Tilly? I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
’ She paused again. ‘But have you asked yourself if it’s really Gareth you’re upset about?
Or is it more that life as you know it is going to change? ’
It was a touch too close to the truth had I been honest with myself. Such was my roller coaster of emotions that I smiled through my tears at her. ‘Thanks for the free therapy session.’ I hugged her. ‘It’s good to have you home.’
‘Call me,’ she said. ‘We’ll go out. It’s time you put some fun in your life.’
There was a time when I had thought about training as a counsellor; of having my own little room with shelves of plants and comfy chairs, just like Tallulah used to have.
But like many things, life went on and it fell by the wayside.
And given the mess I’ve made of my own life, I’m not sure I’d have been any good.
But talking to Tallulah had been helpful.
Sometimes, you had to face the most painful of facts.
Hiding them under a sticking plaster, while a short-term fix, only served to leave them festering.
Back at home, I put the shopping away then sat heavily on the sofa.
On the windowsills were the orchid plants I’d nurtured over the years, including several from Lizzie and, as I took in their delicate flowers, tears filled my eyes.
Wiping them away, I turned to the display of family photos taken over the years – from the boys as babies, then chubby toddlers, all the way through childhood, then as teenagers.
There was one of me with Gareth, taken just after we were married, and suddenly it struck me as odd that I hadn’t noticed before that as the years passed, we’d never added more of us.
* * *
That evening, I drove over to Elena’s. When she opened the door, my friend looked flustered. ‘I’ve completely lost track of time.’ She hugged me briefly. ‘Come in. It’s a mess, I’m afraid.’
‘It really isn’t,’ I lied, following her into the kitchen that was in its usual state of chaos.
‘Boys? Bath. Now,’ Elena shouted. ‘Come and say hello to Tilly.’
I couldn’t help but smile at her mixed messages. But she was a great mum. Her boys obediently ran in and flung their arms around me, before disappearing just as quickly up the stairs.
‘Thank God,’ Elena said with feeling. ‘No one tells you how exhausting being a mother is.’
‘It’s the best thing and you know it.’ I held up a bottle of wine.
She passed me a corkscrew. ‘Be an angel and open it.’
With the boys in bed, and after ordering in a Chinese, Elena and I put the world to rights.
‘Have you talked to Gareth about the house?’ she asked.
‘I haven’t talked to Gareth about anything,’ I said feelingly. ‘Don’t forget. He was the one who started this.’
‘I was just thinking.’ Elena screwed up her face into a frown. ‘Wouldn’t you like to feel you had some control back? I mean, I would really hate feeling like my future lay in someone else’s hands.’
‘It’s a shit feeling.’ I felt my stomach clench. Then I looked at her. ‘You know, you’re right. It’s exactly what I need to do. Tell him I’m putting the house on the market. Let’s see how he likes that,’ I said triumphantly.
Elena looked alarmed. ‘I wasn’t meaning selling the house, Tilly. At least, not yet. I was meaning in smaller ways – like planning your next steps.’ She paused. ‘I mean, you’re free, aren’t you? Or at least, you will be?’
Free. I played the word back in my head. ‘You know, I keep getting these flashes of the old me. I’m not talking about sad, boring Tilly—’
‘Stop,’ Elena interrupted. ‘Do not ever call yourself that ever again.’ Her eyes were flashing. ‘You are one of the most wonderful women I know.’
‘Who, me?’ I stared at her. ‘You’re drunk, Els.’