Chapter 9
Leaving on a Jet Plane. Almost…
Of course, when it came to the end of my marriage, there was no way anything of this magnitude was ever going to be easy, and of course, the next morning brought a reality check.
One of those oh shit, what have I done moments.
In fact, I couldn’t remember doing anything this rash in the whole of my entire life and doubts were setting in.
A moment of desperation consumed me and in my panic, I called Tallulah.
‘I thought I knew what I was doing and now I don’t,’ I told her.
‘Tilly, you’re not making sense. Is this going to take long? I have a hair appointment I need to get to.’
‘I’m about to book a flight to San Jose,’ I said anxiously. ‘But I’m terrified I’m making a mistake.’
‘Cool.’ She sounded impressed. ‘I’d love to go there.’ She hesitated, then added, ‘Which one, by the way?’ Then before I could answer, she went on. ‘Travelling is the best thing in the world. How on earth can you even imagine it’s a mistake?’
‘Because…’ But as I racked my brains, I couldn’t think of a single reason. ‘I think I panicked,’ I said, feeling calmer again.
‘I’m sorry to rush you, but is that it?’ she asked. ‘Only I really should be going.’
‘Of course.’ I started to feel foolish. ‘Sorry to have kept you.’
‘No worries. I wish you were going to be around. It would have been nice to spend some time together. But good for you, doing this.’ There was pride in her voice. ‘I hope you find what you’re looking for.’ It sounded as though she was smiling.
‘Thank you, Tallulah. Me too,’ I said.
I ended the call and booked my flight, only after I’d done it remembering to check the cancellation policy. Just in case. After all, it was good to be sure of your facts. As I was reading it, my mobile buzzed with a text. It was from Gareth.
Gareth
Two estate agents coming round tomorrow. Just checking you won’t be there, we don’t want a repeat of last time.
My calm evaporated as suddenly I was furious. How dared he be so patronising.
Tilly
I’ve already told you, I’ll be gone by then.
It was less than twenty-four hours away. But I pressed send regardless, before sending another brief but in the circumstances, entirely necessary and to-the-point follow-up.
Tilly
Fuck off, Gareth.
Making a cup of coffee, it occurred to me that I needed to get rid of food.
Getting a bin bag I opened the freezer and stared at it all – the expensive steaks Gareth liked, an unopened chocolate cheesecake that I should have given to someone in need – like my brother-in-law Rick, for instance.
I liked to pride myself in always thinking of other people – but look where that had got me.
The thought of Rick brought me up short.
I couldn’t believe I hadn’t told him I was leaving, but then I hadn’t seen him for a few days.
Aware I needed to tell him I wasn’t going to be here, I had a sinking feeling.
Knowing how much he’d come to rely on me, it wasn’t going to be easy.
I picked up my phone and sent him a text.
Tilly
How are you, Rick? Call me.
Putting down my phone, I carried on throwing the food into the bag.
This wasn’t about being kind to everyone else any more.
In any case, the steaks had been there for months – and throwing a cheesecake away amounted to nothing of any significance.
It was just a cheesecake, after all, but even so, I was astonished at how bizarrely cathartic it felt.
Presumably he read my text, but while I was still clearing out, Rick turned up.
Where Rick was concerned, I’d developed a kind of radar which until recently, had been pretty well honed.
I was aware that Rick tried to maintain a balance between constant, but not too constant.
When he hadn’t been here for several days, it was unusual to say the least.
I glimpsed him through the kitchen window as he came around to the back door, a stooped figure on whose shoulders, it appeared, the cares of the world were resting. Pushing the door open, he stood there, looking apologetic. ‘Hey, Tills. Wondered if you have time for a cuppa.’
‘Hi, Rick. Sure.’ Filling the kettle, I switched it on.
In Rick’s eyes, I was a receptacle for all his grievances against the world.
It wouldn’t have occurred to him to talk to the trees, or a therapist. Why would he, when he had me?
I was the person to whom he could talk uncensored and uninhibitedly.
As a result of which, I had become privy to the inner workings of Rick’s mind.
I knew how lost he felt, the unhappiness that seemed to linger long after he left here.
I listened, because Rick was lonely and there were times we all needed someone.
And there was a part of me that wanted to help.
On any other day, the quick cuppa would invariably have turned into a minimum of two hours of unburdening grief onto me, all without stopping to draw breath, and without so much as pausing to ask how I was.
It was a process that would leave me crushed and Rick lighter, invariably and temporarily.
And I let him, because I cared. But today was different.
‘I’m afraid I only have twenty minutes, Rick,’ I said, slightly less sympathetically than usual. After all, when it came to missing Lizzie, he didn’t have the monopoly. She was my sister, after all.
I made him a cup of tea, glancing slightly guiltily at the rubbish bag of fridge contents, listening as he started talking.
And I knew he was hurting, but I’d heard it all before, almost word for word.
The same questions about the pointlessness of why someone as wonderful as Lizzie died so young; when so many mostly lesser mortals continued to walk this planet.
About what was the point of any of it. And I agreed with a lot of what he said.
But repeating the same thing, over and over, wasn’t helping anyone.
His heavy sigh was followed by a five-second silence. ‘Makes no sense, does it?’
Poor Rick. In three months, his mental processes had not moved on even the tiniest quantifiable amount.
Nor had his need to share it with me. And I was grieving, too – in more ways than he knew.
But when Gareth wouldn’t have told him about the demise of our marriage, it was hardly Rick’s fault he didn’t know.
I interrupted him in full flow. ‘Rick?’ His sad eyes met mine for a moment. ‘I’m not sure if you saw it, but I texted you earlier.’ I paused. ‘You see, there’s something I have to tell you.’
As I always tried to, I put myself in Rick’s shoes; explained as gently as I could, bearing in mind Rick depended on me and that he didn’t have anyone else.
‘I can’t believe it.’ He looked utterly stupefied.
‘Gareth wants to sell the house,’ I said. ‘That’s why I’m having a clear-out.’ I nodded towards the plastic bags holding the contents of our freezer. ‘I’m moving out.’
A look of shock washed over his face. ‘You don’t think it’s a bit quick? I mean, you two have been together for decades. Surely it can’t be over.’ He looked hopeful for a moment. ‘Maybe I should have a word with Gareth – man to man.’
For whose benefit? I wondered somewhat uncharitably.
I shook my head. ‘Thanks, but we’ve gone way past that.
It’s nice of you to offer, but there’s no point.
’ I paused. I could see it from Rick’s point of view, that when he would have done anything in the world to have Lizzie back, Gareth and I breaking up took some getting his head around.
‘I suppose it’s like when you meet the one,’ I said sadly, remembering before I met Adam, when I used to think Gareth was the one.
‘Like when you met Lizzie. Only in reverse. When you know it’s over, you absolutely know, if you get my drift. ’
‘I’m so sorry, Tilly.’ A tear rolled down his cheek. ‘I can’t bear to think of you being alone.’ Something dimly lit up his eyes. ‘If you want the spare room at our place, you’re welcome, any time.’
In a million years, I couldn’t imagine how that would have worked out.
Besides, their gorgeous cottage echoed with too many memories of Lizzie.
‘Thanks, Rick. That’s really kind. But I’ve decided I’m going away for a bit.
’ I glanced at the clock on the wall. ‘Tomorrow, in fact. I’m sorry, but I have quite a lot to do. ’
Still looking shell-shocked, he took the hint. ‘I suppose I should leave you to it.’
‘Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine, Rick.’ I paused. ‘And I know right now, it’s impossible to imagine, but one day, you will be, too.’
He came over and hugged me. ‘I’m going to miss you.’ Pulling away, he blinked at me. ‘Gareth’s an…’
‘Arse. Yes, I know.’ I forced a smile.
Hanging his head, Rick started walking towards the door.
‘Rick? Hold on a moment.’ My hub-instincts came to the fore one last time as I hurried over to the bag of discarded freezer contents, unable to stop myself as I fished out the cheesecake.
‘For you.’ I held it out to him, noticing it was already defrosting.
‘It was in the freezer. It should be fine for a day or two.’
He took it from me and I watched him walk outside.
Standing there, I listened as he started his car and drove away.
Rick had a nice car, but these days, even the engine managed to sound sad in some way.
As the noise of it faded, I sighed. Of course I loved Rick, in a sister-in-law kind of way, and of course I was sorry for him.
Lizzie was his world. But in time, he’d meet someone else. Probably sooner than he could imagine.