Chapter 14
The Writing on the Wall
After the time I saw Adam with his wife, it felt as though a shadow hung over me. For a couple of weeks, more than ever before, I distracted myself by throwing myself into family life, until I was going through the washing, and it was shattered.
It was a cliché, wasn’t it? Finding a receipt in your husband’s trouser pocket? ‘The Ivy?’ I laid the receipt on the kitchen table in front of him while the boys were watching TV in the sitting room.
‘I’ve no idea how that got there.’ Gareth didn’t meet my eyes.
‘Then let me refresh your memory.’ I sat down opposite him. ‘According to the receipt, you were there on the tenth – so two weeks ago. Just in case you’re wondering, I called The Ivy – to see if they’d found the pen you lost. They confirmed you were there.’
Gareth looked confused. ‘I haven’t lost a pen.’ Then a shadow crossed his face. ‘You shouldn’t have done that.’
‘What – called a restaurant where you took another woman?’ I said lightly. ‘Why not, Gareth?’
He got up. ‘It isn’t what you think.’ Going over to the window, he stood with his back towards me.
‘So what is it?’ Somehow I stayed calm. ‘Am I not enough for you?’
‘It isn’t that.’ His shoulders were tight as he stood there. Then he turned around. Looking at me, he sighed. ‘Don’t you ever wonder about us?’
I gasped. Of course I had wondered, many more times than Gareth had any idea about.
‘Yes.’ I paused. ‘It’s not like we got off to the best start.
But we’re married. We have a family. The way I see it, we made a commitment.
We vowed to weather our storms, Gareth,’ I added more quietly, thinking of my mother’s words on the morning of our wedding. ‘Or at least, I thought we did.’
‘Storms?’ He frowned.
I watched him closely. ‘How long has this been going on? And please, just tell me the truth.’
He hesitated. Then he came back to the table and sat down. ‘Three months.’
My eyes widened. How hadn’t I known? But our sex life was non-existent. Had been for years. And this emotional disconnect was nothing new between us. Even so, it was hard to imagine Gareth emotionally connected to anyone. ‘Is it serious?’
He rolled his eyes heavenwards. ‘I have no idea.’
‘OK. So let me rephrase that. Do you want it to be serious?’
‘Tilly—’ he started.
‘Don’t just say Tilly like that and stop,’ I said. ‘What were you going to say?’
‘I do love you. And I love the boys. It’s just that sometimes I think… I want more.’ His eyes briefly met mine.
I was speechless, but not for long. ‘Don’t you think that depends on your definition of love?
’ I said heatedly, not at all sure why I didn’t chuck him out and tell him to never come back.
‘From where I am, if you loved me, you wouldn’t have done this.
’ I sighed. ‘You can’t expect it to always be a bed of roses.
Love is different things at different times in life.
Lust doesn’t last.’ He needed to be reminded of these things, particularly at this point.
‘Don’t start on about storms again.’ A look of guilt crossed his face. Yes, actual guilt, which for Gareth was a first.
I was in the grip of an odd sense of calm. ‘So what do we do now?’
He sighed. ‘I really don’t know.’
‘In that case, I’ll make it easy for you.’ I was remarkably civil. ‘Either you stop seeing her, or you move out. You can’t have both of us.’
‘What about the boys?’
Right on cue, the kitchen door was flung open and Robbie came in. ‘Mum? Is there any cake?’
‘Sure, darling. In the tin. I made one earlier.’
As if Robbie needed instructions when he could sniff out a cake from a mile away. Boys were like that – born with a kind of food-radar. ‘Cool.’ Looking pleased, he was already snuffling it out like a truffle pig. After opening the tin and cutting two wedges, he took them back to Alex.
Left alone, Gareth glanced at me. ‘I suppose I should move out.’
My stomach turned over. ‘If that’s what you want.’ My husband was leaving me and all I could do was agree with him – it was hardly the response of someone who loved him with all her heart.
‘It’s that simple?’
I shrugged. ‘Apart from the boys.’ As I thought about our boys, a rush of emotion hit me. ‘It isn’t me I’m worried about,’ I said. ‘It’s them. How do we tell them?’
‘Jesus.’ Gareth rested his head in his hands.
* * *
Of course, it was left to me. And of course, in order to protect the boys, I found myself lying by omission, protecting Gareth, knowing it would be easier to break the news once they’d got used to him being gone.
‘Your dad’s been offered a promotion. It means taking a job in another department. He’s going to be away for a bit.’
‘Wow. That’s amazing.’ Robbie looked in awe.
‘It’ll be odd without him here. But we’ll be fine, Mum,’ Alex said a little anxiously.
Did I say we wouldn’t? ‘Of course we’ll be fine.’ Hating that I was lying to them, I filled the kettle and switched it on. ‘Who’s for a cup of tea?’
I know what most people would say. Why not just tell the boys the truth about their arsehole of a father? Surely you won’t consider him coming back – not after this?
* * *
Elena was uncompromising. ‘This has to be it, Tilly. You really don’t deserve this.’
‘The trouble is…’ But I couldn’t find the words. In the end, I sighed. ‘You know what? You’re right. I’ve had enough, El.’
‘Thank God,’ she said quietly. ‘You need to find yourself a good divorce lawyer.’
‘What about the house? It’s the boys’ home.’ My voice wobbled.
‘That’s why you need to find a lawyer. You should stay in that house, and bloody Gareth should pay for it. That’s my opinion, anyway.’
I wasn’t sure it worked like that, but I needed to find out. That afternoon, I managed to find a lawyer who had a last-minute appointment available. It wasn’t pleasant, unpicking the threads of a marriage, however rotten it was.
After, I didn’t want to go home. The boys were at a friend’s house – in any case, I needed time to think. Stopping at a café, I sat at an outside table and ordered a glass of wine, my mind all over the place as I waited.
‘Tilly?’
My heart leapt as looking up, I saw Adam standing there. I did a double take. I couldn’t believe I was seeing him again so soon after the last time.
‘Are you OK?’ he asked.
Where the heck did I start? ‘Yes – and not really,’ I said.
‘Like some company?’
It was like my heart breathed out, a breath that carried with it my frustrations, my sadness, my weariness. ‘I’d love some.’
The waiter brought my glass of wine. ‘Could I have the same?’ Adam said. Then he looked at me. ‘You look like you’re carrying the cares of the world.’
‘Really?’ Tears pricked my eyes.
‘What’s wrong?’ he said gently.
I sighed. ‘I’ve spent the last hour dissecting the nuts and bolts of my marriage. I’ve just been to see a divorce lawyer,’ I explained.
He looked startled. ‘You’ve really reached that point?’
I nodded. ‘Gareth’s been having an affair. He’s moved out. I haven’t told the boys yet.’ I had a lump in my throat just thinking about it. ‘How do I do that? Tell them their parents are breaking up?’
‘I can’t imagine.’ Adam looked sympathetic. ‘But shouldn’t you do it together?’
I shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now.’ I tried to make a joke of it. ‘I’m sorry. But you did ask!’ I changed the subject. ‘So what brings you back here – again?’
He hesitated. ‘Louise asked me to pick something up – and I suppose I was hoping I might bump into you again. Not that I was wishing anything like this on you,’ he added quickly.
I was silent for a moment. I wanted to see him too, but I couldn’t tell him that. Not when right now, life was already far too complicated. ‘Are you happy?’ I asked. ‘You and Louise?’
I knew in the silence that followed that there wasn’t a simple answer. But maybe there never was; maybe all of us had something going on.
‘We’re OK,’ he said at last. He picked up his glass and sipped some of his wine. Then he got up and left some money on the table. ‘What would you say if I suggested that we get out of here?’
It was like time had rolled back; like it was days before my wedding again.
Except years later, Gareth had met someone; I was starting divorce proceedings.
I was free to do whatever I wanted. I got up, then Adam and I started walking towards the park where we’d walked all those summers ago.
At some point, Adam’s hand found mine, then tightened around it.
I didn’t know where we were going, just that my heart was racing; sparks flying between us, sparks that were such it seemed that people were turning to watch us. Until I stopped. I knew how it felt to be betrayed.
‘Adam? What about Louise?’
The light left his eyes, leaving in its place angst. ‘Of course. Louise.’ He let go of my hand. ‘Tilly? Louise and I…’ he started to say.
I placed a finger to his lips. ‘Don’t say anything,’ I whispered. ‘There’s already so much going on right now.’ I shook my head, suddenly overcome with sadness as reaching up, I kissed his cheek.
* * *
I remember how I felt back then. How, in spite of everything, I tried to keep us together while Gareth was intent on walking away.
Maybe that was the time I should have accepted we were over.
When I look back, it seems like the Universe was on our case again.
Seeing Adam twice like that when my life was falling apart…
The signs were loud and clear, but yet again, I ignored them.
Instead, I’d put divorce proceedings on hold, wanting to talk to Gareth about it before it went any further.
But in the event, he and his woman lasted a month.
I never found out her name. I didn’t want to know.
I’d had a hunch it would only be a matter of time before he’d come grovelling back. Sure enough, I was right.
* * *