Chapter 22
On Not Counting Chickens
As things begin to get better, I think a lot, a little self-indulgently perhaps, about who I am and everything that’s brought me here. But then I have spent many hours in this hospital bed.
And you see, in this crazily muddled mind of mine, I’m starting to work out how it all fits together.
First up, there’s our genes – and there isn’t a lot we can do about those.
There are our formative years, and by that, I mean our nearest and dearest. The parents we are born to, the friends we make, the social circle we hang out with.
Even my old best friend, Jasmine, bless her, who left me with the sense that I was inadequate.
Then it all gets more complicated. I mean, throughout our lives we are bombarded with expectations and obligations.
With rules about what’s acceptable, which are basically about conforming to other people’s ideas of what right is.
There are our dads. And there are our mothers.
Their joys, their trauma, their suffering that are a part of us, too; that if we allow them to, go on to shape our own lives.
In all this, what about what I think? How am I even supposed to know how I think? Is it even possible to isolate that from the tangle of other people’s thoughts in my head? It’s probably why I became a hub. It was the only way I could fulfil the sense of duty that had been instilled in me.
I think back to a couple of weeks ago, when Gareth told me about Olivia.
I remember how upset I was. Actually, I was more than upset.
Coming so soon after losing Lizzie, I was devastated.
I couldn’t bear the thought of selling the house.
But it was never about losing Gareth. It was about losing control of my life.
That flipping programming again – that the family home was where I’d live forever, would be a place for the boys to always come back to, in time with their own children. That marriages just somehow worked out.
But the reality is, life isn’t like that.
People are human. We make mistakes – people like me and Gareth.
And meanwhile, things happen along the way.
We make choices too, and ours drove us further apart from each other.
There were disagreements, infidelities. In short, whatever love there was, it wasn’t enough, while the house was a symbol, but no more than that.
Home is wherever we are, with the people who love us.
‘Mum?’
In my sleep, I smile a little.
‘Mum?’
‘Mum? Wake up.’
My eyelashes flutter, then I find myself looking at Alex, his lovely eyes filled with worry. It’s going to take time for us to get over this. But we will get over this.
‘Hey,’ I say drowsily. ‘Don’t you have somewhere more interesting to be?’
‘Not really.’ He glanced behind him. ‘There’s someone to see you.’
This is where it gets weird, again, because as another figure comes into focus, I see it’s Adam.
‘Hello,’ he says gently. ‘How are you doing?’
For a moment, it’s enough to just gaze into his beautiful eyes.
I open my mouth and close it again. ‘I’m OK,’ I say, a little wondrously.
‘You were there, weren’t you? That day, in the rain?
’ There’s more I want to say, like What were you doing there?
Why are you in Crete? But at this point, there are just too many words.
‘Don’t try to talk, Mum.’ Alex glances at Adam.
Which is all very well, but I have these questions. ‘No,’ I say quietly. ‘Please stay.’
‘We’re under strict orders,’ Adam says gently. ‘You need to take things really easy.’
‘We’ll come back later,’ Alex adds. ‘Robbie sends his love. He had to go back to uni.’
Suddenly I feel terrible. It’s where Alex should be, too.
He seems to know what I’m thinking. ‘It’s OK, Mum. I’ve brought work with me. Now try and get some rest.’
My eyes are already closing as they get up and turn to walk away. But fate hasn’t finished with me yet and as the haze thickens and darkness swims into focus, I find myself pulled back to the place I’ve become so overly, ridiculously attached to. Our lovely family house.
Sitting at our kitchen table, I was going through the sympathy cards that had kept arriving since Lizzie died. I knew that at some point, life had to go on. But the fact was, I was stuck.
I didn’t know how to be anyone other than Tilly the hub, at the centre of everyone else’s universes. And one by one, the strings of the balloons I was holding were pulling free of my fingers and floating away.
However much I liked it or not, whatever he’d done, Gareth was an integral part of my life.
It’s just that even now, looking back, the way it ended felt so brutal.
Telling me he’d met someone, followed by the news that she was pregnant – the blow multiplied because of how he’d behaved when I was pregnant with the twins.
As I say, positively brutal. But given our history, given my ability to hang doggedly on no matter what was thrown at me, maybe there was no other way.
In many ways, feeling as I did, it’s remarkable that I got as far as I did, sorting through my clothes and throwing so much away; that only my most treasured things are stored in Elena’s garage.
That I bought my ticket to San Jose, before fate redirected me and in the strangest course of events, I ended up here.
I mean, honestly, if I hadn’t offered to feed Michail’s chickens and cats, I’d never have got caught in the rain, or fallen. Or found Adam again. But I did – and here I am. And so is Adam. Talking of which…
‘Tilly?’
This time, it isn’t Alex’s voice. Blinking my eyes open, I see Adam standing there.
‘Are you up for a visitor?’ His voice is gentle.
‘I think so.’ As he sits down, I try to ease myself up in the bed, which has the result of setting off all these bleeping sounds.
‘Are you OK?’
‘Fine,’ I say as breezily as I can, given I’ve been unconscious for… ‘Do you know how long I’ve been here?’ I ask him.
‘Five days,’ he says.
I exhale slowly. No wonder I feel exhausted. In five days, I’ve relived most of my entire life. ‘I didn’t know.’
‘I guess you wouldn’t have.’ There’s an odd expression on his face as he seems to study me.
‘You found me, didn’t you?’ I ask.
He nods. ‘Long story. I’ll fill you in sometime, but…’
‘Can you tell me now? If you’re not in a hurry, that is?’ I need to know, to start filling in the blanks. But more than anything I want to know what’s brought him here.
‘Well…’ His eyes are warm as he gazes at me. ‘I’m not sure where to start, really.’
‘How about with the last time we saw each other?’
‘That was years ago.’ He frowns slightly.
‘You were with your wife,’ I say helpfully. But where is she now? And actually, we saw each other again, shortly after.
‘That’s right. Your boys were teenagers. They’re great, by the way. You must be very proud of them.’
‘So proud,’ I say softly.
‘About a year later, Louise and I separated.’ He fidgeted with his hands.
I’m flabbergasted. They’d seemed so easy together. ‘Why?’
‘We came to the conclusion we’d grown apart.
’ He looks rueful. ‘It was all very amicable, and we’re still friends.
We had a really nice life together. Both of us were happy.
But I think getting older focuses the mind.
’ Looking thoughtful, he smiles. ‘I suppose both of us knew we were missing something.’ He hesitates.
‘Remember we saw each other again – after you’d been to see a divorce lawyer? ’
I nodded.
‘I came back to look for you. It was the same when you saw me with Louise. I persuaded her to let me show her the town where I used to live. But I was looking for you that time, too.’
I find myself holding my breath. ‘You should have told me.’
‘It wasn’t the time, was it?’ There’s warmth in his eyes as he looks at me.
‘What about now?’ I have to ask. ‘Is there someone else?’
A smile plays on his lips. ‘There’s so much to talk about,’ he says softly. ‘I know you’re here on your own – the boys told me. But…’ He holds my gaze. ‘You and Gareth were together for such a long time. What happened between you?’
I frowned. ‘You know we really are getting divorced?’
‘Your boys told me. I asked if Gareth was here – that was the only reason.’
‘Oh.’ I’m silent for a moment. ‘It’s been quite shit, actually.’ I sigh. ‘When he told me he’d met someone else, my whole life seemed to fall apart. She’s pregnant, by the way.’
For a moment, he doesn’t say anything. ‘It can’t have been easy.’
‘It wasn’t.’ I leave out the part about my meltdowns and drinking Gareth’s whisky; how my friend Elena had to virtually wrestle my wedding photos away from me. ‘When I found out, I decided to go away. I didn’t know what I was doing, to be honest. So I bought a one-way ticket to San Jose.’
‘Wow.’ But instead of looking impressed as I’d hoped he would, Adam looks taken aback. ‘You won’t believe this, but I was living in San Jose until a few weeks ago. I was working out there.’ He stares at me. ‘How weird is that?’
I stare back at him. ‘Do you know what’s weirder still? It’s that you were there and now you’re here.’ My head is starting to spin again.
Adam frowns. ‘So if you were going to San Jose, how come you ended up here?’
‘My flight was cancelled – the whole country was fogged out that day. I couldn’t bear to stay in England, so I got on a train to Paris. Then from there, I went to Barcelona. Oh my God…’
‘What is it?’ Adam looks concerned.
‘I thought I saw you while I was there. In Barcelona. You were there too.’ I stare at him in disbelief.
He shakes his head. ‘That wasn’t me you saw. But actually, my brother lives there. Maybe it was him?’
‘Your brother?’ I look at him, firstly incredulous, then secondly relieved that I didn’t make a complete and utter fool of myself.
‘Then you came here.’ Adam looks uncertain. ‘Just randomly?’
‘Completely. Well, I stopped at a few places along the way.’ I gaze into his eyes. ‘What brought you here?’