Chapter 20 Jane
Jane
My mom and sister have a morning flight, so Mom decided we would eat an early dinner as a family before they head back to their hotel for the evening. I could have invited Keeley as a buffer, but it’s better if I can try to catch Nora alone.
To, well, figure out if she’s about to out me to the rest of my family, uninvite me to the wedding, and/or stop talking to me forever.
A desperate part of me hopes it’s none of the above, but I can’t wrap my head around what that looks like, because the ringing in my ears has been drowning out all rational thought ever since we left the boutique with a giant garment bag.
We pick a little bistro close to their hotel, thanks to a suggestion from Riker.
He prides himself on being better than Yelp, always finding the best food wherever we go, having decided to become a foodie in the absence of attending culinary school himself.
The bistro’s also not too terribly expensive, which is a huge relief knowing I’ll be expected to pay for the entire meal.
Probably the least I can do, considering I haven’t been a part of many of the pre-wedding activities, and I never made it out for the engagement party.
And my sexuality might ruin any chance of fixing my relationship with Nora. She hasn’t really looked at me since we left the boutique, and I try not to take that as a bad sign.
It doesn’t feel like a good one, though.
When we get to the small restaurant, all candlelight and greenery and high-top tables with barstools, I’m so tempted to get a drink, but I know I should be sober when dealing with my family.
(Not to mention the fact that Mom would side-eye me for drinking alcohol.) Still, it would be nice to take the edge off this raw, ragged feeling.
My practically perfect church-girl sister saw me kissing a woman. Not just any woman either. She saw me kissing Keeley. This isn’t just about me; it’s about a person who matters to me. Deeply.
I…don’t know how to handle this. It’s why I’ve never bothered coming out. Why do I owe people an explanation for how I experience attraction? Why is it anyone’s business, at all, about who I want to be with? Sexuality is personal.
And if the world weren’t built to cater to heterosexuality, I could just live my life in peace.
My eyes swim as I read the menu, and I try to keep it together.
The anxiety is largely under control these days after the lifestyle changes I’ve made.
But an old, familiar feeling creeps in, like I’m so nervous I might vibrate out of my skin, and my eyes can’t focus on the words on the crisp white page in front of me. My appetite is gone.
Mom orders an appetizer for the table, then disappears out to the terrace to call Dad, firing off her entrée order with several substitutions for Nora to remember in her absence. When it’s just me and my sister, I take a long, cold sip of sparkling water.
Nora frowns down at her menu. We sit in silence for a full minute, ignoring the massive elephant in the room.
Finally, I clear my throat, trying to dislodge the words that are stuck there. It doesn’t start well.
“I understand what you saw might have shocked you, but—”
“Stop.” Nora snaps her eyes to mine, giving me the fiercest look I’ve ever seen on the face that still looks so much like the ten-year-old I left behind. “I literally don’t care if you’re a lesbian.”
I blink, stunned. “I’m bisexual, actually.”
She shrugs, folding her hands on the table. “That’s cool too.”
My head spins as I try to wrap my head around what she’s saying. This feels too easy. “Really?”
“Yes, really! Are you serious? You’re my sister, and I love you, and nothing is going to change that.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. This is not going how I thought it would, and I’m too thrown to react. My sister is being…fine, about all of this? Great even. “Oh.”
“You deserve to be happy and with someone you care about, no matter what that looks like.”
Moisture pricks my eyes, but I squeeze them shut for a heartbeat, trying to get myself together before looking at her again. “I know you’re saying that, but I also know you really care about the church, and—”
Again, she interrupts me. “I’m not Mom and Dad, okay?” she practically snaps.
I gape, trying to navigate the sharp turn this conversation has taken. “I never said that…”
But she continues, as if now that she’s started, she can’t stop.
“And honestly, if God didn’t want people to be gay or bi or however else they identify, why would he let you feel this way?
It seems pretty cruel, and that’s not the loving God I want to believe in.
People should be able to love who they love without apologizing for it.
That just makes sense.” It’s clear Nora has put a lot of thought into this, and that didn’t suddenly happen today. I can tell she means it.
A massive weight lifts off my shoulders at the unwavering acceptance in her words, and I let out a shuddering breath. “Thank you,” I say, still a little stunned. I never prepared myself for the reality that Nora would be an ally. My ally.
For my first real coming-out experience, this isn’t so bad.
I know I didn’t choose it to happen the way it did, but somehow my twenty-year-old sister has made me feel safe and loved.
It was different when Riker caught me with Savannah all those years ago.
I knew he wouldn’t see me any differently.
In fact, I think it made us closer friends, not having to hide this piece of myself.
And coming out to Keeley was…inevitable.
With Nora, though, I had no idea how she would react. This moment in this funny little bistro with top-forty radio playing softly through the sound speaker is radically changing how I see the world, and the ways my full self might fit into it.
Maybe I’ll be ready for more of the world to see me someday, if someone like my baby sister can accept me without a second thought. All my worry flutters away at the soft, wry smile on her face.
But then I’m worried for a different reason when she sighs, toying with the napkin on her place setting. “I’m not even sure what else I believe anymore.”
I frown, wanting to be cautious—but also wanting, desperately, to understand her entire situation a little bit more. “That’s okay if you’re figuring things out. It just, with you marrying Danny, it seemed like…”
“Like I can’t think for myself? I know my own mind, Jane.”
“Why are you so angry, then?” She’s looking at me like she’s been betrayed, and I’m so confused.
Nora shakes her head rapidly, glancing over my shoulder.
“We’re still clear. And I’m not mad at you, even though it does kind of hurt that you haven’t called me since I got engaged.
” I wince at that, but let her continue.
“I’m pissed at Mom and Dad, that they created this environment where you can’t be yourself, just because of all of these truths they claim come from the Bible that I’m not even convinced are in there after reading it so many times myself.
It’s maddening—and the cost doesn’t seem worth it.
Like, you’re not around, ever, and I get why more than ever after today, but it still sucks!
If they could just be better parents, maybe we’d be closer, you know? ”
My eyes well up in earnest now, and I reach across the table to grab her hand.
She squeezes mine. “Look, I’m sorry I haven’t reached out.
That wasn’t okay,” I say, trying to keep my voice steady.
My sister deserved so much better, and here she is, showing me love anyway.
“And thank you for being so accepting of me.”
“I forgive you,” she says. “And of course I’m accepting. I love you, Jane.” Not everyone understands that love means accepting who people are, though, and that’s the whole problem. I’m grateful my sister has figured things out for herself.
“I love you too. I’d really like to be closer, baby sister.”
“Me too,” she says. “And I like Keeley. She’s a good person, and I think it’s awesome that she’s your girlfriend. How long have you been together?”
Despite the emotions threatening to overcome me, I can’t help but smile at her question.
The overwhelming happiness from the weekend hasn’t faded—I’m not sure it ever will.
Getting to be honest with my sister is such a welcome relief; it feels like sunshine on this gray October day.
Neatly tucking my napkin on my lap, I fold my hands on the table.
“It’s really, really new. But, Nora, I’ve been in love with Keeley for years.
She’s just…she’s not just a good person, she’s one of the best people I know.
Not everyone sees it because Keeley is snarky and brash, but she cares deeply for the people in her life, and she works so hard.
She makes me better just by being around her. And…she sees the real me.”
“That’s amazing,” Nora says, beaming. “Because you’re one of the best people I know, and you deserve to be happy.”
“So do you,” I say, steeling myself for this next bit, because I’m not sure we’ll have another chance to talk without Mom, and this is important. “I have to admit…” I don’t know how to get the next words out, but my sister takes care of that for me too.
“You’re worried I’m getting married at twenty?” Nora says with a raised brow. “I thought you might be. That’s why I was too nervous to tell you myself.”
I straighten. I know I’m worried, but this isn’t the starry-eyed, swept-up Nora I was expecting. She seems so…resolute. “I’m sorry you felt that way, but I can’t pretend I’m not concerned. It all just feels a little fast, and you’re so young. I just want you to be okay, you know?”
Nora glances over my shoulder again, but nods. “We’re still good. They’re probably arguing over how much this trip cost. But please trust me when I say I know what I’m doing.”