Chapter 10
chapter ten
Natalia
13 months ago
This was the moment I’d been dreading for over a month now. Every single time I got comfortable, or felt happy, the needling understanding that this conversation with Mateo was inevitable would drag me back down and taint it.
There was a wing special at the local sports bar where he met me after work, and the music was so loud I couldn’t even hear myself think. This restaurant felt less intimidating than waiting until he was back at my apartment to talk, and also gave him an out if he needed it. I curled into myself, rubbing the chills off my arms as the beer I ordered sat untouched in front of me, bubbles dancing from the butt of the glass into the foam rimming the top.
We hadn’t left each other’s sides since Mateo took me out on that first date to the roller rink. We were playing musical houses between my bed in Coconut Creek and Mateo’s much larger one in his house in Pompano. During the day he’d leave me under the covers to go off to work with Frankie, and I’d hobble to the bank, counting down the hours until I was back in his arms. Even then, we never stopped texting. I had a toiletry bag sitting on the vanity of his bathroom, his clothes were on my floor, and my jewelry had taken up residence on his nightstand next to his watches. I had never eaten so much takeout in my entire life.
There was no hope in keeping this relationship casual. The only one who was even trying was me, and try as I might, the way I felt around Mateo was indescribable and addictive. I couldn’t leave his side without crawling back on my hands and knees.
Which was the real issue.
The sex work was suffering. My clients were wondering where the fuck I’d gone, my servers were dwindling in subscriptions by the hour, and content had come to a screeching, ghostly halt with no explanation. Because how could I be naked on a livestream in my apartment if I was reverse cowgirl on a veteran down the road?
Beyond that it felt…morally gray. Unfaithful in a way that didn’t even make sense. It wasn’t as if Mateo and I were exclusive. We hadn’t discussed it; he hadn’t asked me to commit to him, nor would I expect that despite spending every waking hour together for the last month. I knew his favorite color, songs, and foods; he was afraid of heights, played baseball in high school, and broke his arm in fifth grade when he ran his bike through a crosswalk and got sideswiped by a taxi. He had twenty-seven first cousins and five of them were named Anthony.
But I couldn’t quit my business for a man. Not one I’d just met. I couldn’t keep it a secret from him either. I was way too invested in my career and I’d worked my ass off to bring an ethical, empowering, high-quality porn experience to my audience. It was really starting to pay off and bud into something I was deeply proud of.
My eyes darted from a pie chart of indecipherable sports stats on ESPN to Mateo sitting across from me licking hot sauce from the end of a chicken wing. A spot of it was left in the dimple on his cheek and I reached over, wiping it off. He grabbed his napkin and patted down the rest of his face. “You’re awfully quiet over there. Everything okay?”
Everything was not okay. My nerves braided around each other, tightening until even my throat stiffened. Rehearsing something to say would have been a helpful idea in hindsight, but winging things was much more my style, no pun intended. “Yup.”
He was fully reading me now, dragging his eyes down my face and raising a brow. “You’ve barely even touched your food.”
“Big lunch.”
“Oh yeah, what did you have?”
I swallowed. “A sandwich.”
“From where?”
“What’s with the twenty questions?”
Mateo smirked. “Fibber.”
I ignored him, picking up my beer for the first time and taking a generous few gulps. Which definitely piqued his attention. A worried crease formed between his eyebrows and Mateo swiped his hand down his chin, smoothing the hairs. Hairs I wondered if I’d ever feel on the insides of my thighs again after this.
Two plates of bar food marinated the air between us as we stared at each other and I could all but see the way my cheeks were blazing, panic rising as I searched hopelessly for the courage to say something , anything. Find a middle ground between us, a commonality to gracefully connect to the bomb I needed to drop.
There was no normal way to go about telling the man you’re seeing that you see other men by the thousands—virtually.
Mateo tilted his head. “Should I be worried?”
“Do you watch porn?” I rushed out.
Nailed it, Nat.
His eyes widened and he shifted awkwardly in his seat, thinking hard about his answer. “I…” Mateo shrugged indifferently. “I’ve dabbled.”
At least he was being honest. All men watched porn. They might say they don’t, or that it’s against their beliefs, that they’ve never really been into it , or the absolute bullshit morality story that they can’t stand the way women in the industry are taken advantage of—but they’re fucking liars.
“How do you feel about the women in those videos?”
“Like, during the viewing of the video?” He pressed his fingers to the table. “Or are we talking in general?”
I almost laughed. “As a concept. Women who do pornography.”
He slowly picked up a chicken wing again, using it like a conductor’s baton. “I guess I always wonder what would make someone want to do that. But I don’t live under a fucking rock, and financially it’s a career that pays more than we can really fathom. So from a business perspective I’d say those women know exactly what they’re worth.”
“Right.” The column of my throat constricted.
“If the porn is a dealbreaker I can quit it cold turkey. I’m more than satisfied in that department, Tal. You’ll never have to say it twice.”
“No, that’s not it,” I garbled out. It was hard to make eye contact with him, I couldn’t bear it. “It’s more complicated than that.”
Mateo sat forward, grabbing my hand across the table. “Look, I know this has been nonstop since we met, and it’s usually bad news to give your all to someone right off the bat. But I can’t stop myself from doing that with you. I’ve never had this type of connection with someone so quickly. I feel like we know each other, Natalia. Like we fit in all the weirdest possible ways. I enjoy talking to you, and being around you, sitting in silence with you, waiting for you to get to my house at the end of the day, waking up with your head on my chest. Fuck, I know, I’m rambling.” He sighed. “If you need to slow down, I can do that. If you want to see each other less during the week, take a few days to do our own thing, whatever makes you more comfortable with seeing me, I’ll do it.”
“I don’t want to do that.” I shook my head. I really didn’t. I wanted this to stay exactly the same, the endless first date, giving my all to someone who felt the same way toward me. I wanted to be with Mateo Duran. “I like what we’re doing now.”
“Me too.” He let out a deep breath, wiping an invisible bead of sweat from his forehead. “I thought for a minute you were going to tell me you wanted to see other people.” He took a bite of his chicken wing.
“Mateo, I do porn.”
The chicken wing came sputtering back up.
Fucking hell, Natalia.
I winced, handing him a napkin across the table. Mateo was usually so easy to read—he wore all of his emotions on his sleeve or on his face—but this time his expression was a slate so blank I felt the emptiness of it like a spear to the chest. I couldn’t tell if he was going to erupt in anger or leave in silence. I’d never felt more ashamed of my life than in that moment because for a split second, I realized the path I chose might have cost me the man I was meant for, and I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to be me for him, not for me.
“I have a really successful page where I post pre-recorded videos and livestream. I also have personal clients who pay me for requests to do specific things. I’ve been supporting myself since I graduated college entirely on the money I make as a sex worker, and I enjoy it. I love creating and filming and being my own boss. It might sound stupid but it feels powerful in a way. The bank job…well, I fucking hate working at the bank, you know that. But I keep it to use as a cover story for my family, or whoever else must know, and for insurance, the technical shit, what have you.”
His lips parted, but he didn’t say anything.
“I don’t date because, well, I can’t imagine that having this conversation gets easier, but you’re the first person I’ve ever cared enough about to have it with. You’re the first man I’ve ever told this to—the first person, actually. No one knows except for you. Not even my best friend, and that’s saying something. When you started talking to me in the bank and brought me that coffee, my hesitation wasn’t because I wasn’t interested in you, I was definitely interested,” I stressed. “I knew that I was going to fall for you, because you were charming, and direct, and confident, and I was already thinking about kissing you before you walked away, so I was trying to protect myself from the inevitable heartbreak. I haven’t worked since that first night we spent together. It didn’t feel right and I was trying to let what happened between us make my decision for me, and now it has. I know how selfish it was not to say anything right away, to let you feel the way you do about me and then rip it all out from underneath you. And I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry. I would never blame you for wanting to walk away. I just needed to tell you this before we got any more involved.”
Silence. More deafening, soul-crushing silence, and I wanted to fucking kick myself for getting even a dollop of hope up for this going differently than I had expected it would. Mateo opened his mouth to say something and then let it fall closed without a word and that window with a silver lining slammed closed with it. A piece of me cracked and shattered.
“Okay.” I nodded, gathering myself to save the humiliation. I tucked my phone into my bag and pulled out my wallet to cover the food on the table. My hands were shaking, and I couldn’t stand being in my own skin or looking at him when I could feel all my insecurities coming to life while he remained quiet.
When I stood from the sticky leather booth, Mateo’s hand shot out to wrap around my wrist and my breath caught on a gasp. I finally looked up and tears sprang to my eyes. My heart was beating hard against my ribs. I’d already given in to the fallout and didn’t know what to do with myself now.
He swallowed, and guided me back down to my seat without letting go of my arm. The pads of his fingers were tight against my pulse. “Will you tell me more about it?”
“I’ll tell you anything.” Honesty was the least I could give him. He deserved to know all the details so I wouldn’t hold back.
“Do you do it with other men?” Mateo asked quietly and directly. “Make…content like that with them?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t have physical relationships with anyone. It’s purely parasocial. I’ve never filmed with a partner before. This all started in my dorm the summer after graduation. I stuck around to finish a ridiculous unpaid internship and needed the money. I didn’t want to ask my parents to help me, and my major was working in cameras and film media. I had the equipment, and the expertise, and…I was alone, and single. It’s always just been me and the camera.”
He wrung his fingers around each other, working through something in his head. “Would you?”
“Would I…?”
“Film with a partner.”
I struggled for the right words. because he’d asked me that question as if he was imagining dating me while I made porn with other men. I would never commit to that. Never want to. If I ever decided to start bringing other people into my work, having a boyfriend on the side would be out of the question. There were too many emotional variables. Not to mention the health screenings and regular tests to stay physically protected.
“That’s something that would require an intense level of trust for me,” I told him. “I wouldn’t invite just anyone into such an intimate, personal moment, or give them power over me that wasn’t deeply discussed and consented to. It’s more than just fucking on camera.”
“What about with me?”
All the blood in my body slowed to a crawl. My pulse thumped in the side of my neck, trying to acclimate. I was still so far into my head that part of it was telling me to run, but the rest of me was an inferno, and he was stoking the flames. My voice was low and doubtful. “Is that something you would want to do?”
“I want you, Tally. There’s a lot of things I would do if that was the result. Don’t you get that yet? I’ll have to warm up to it, and get over the preconceptions, but I think I owe us that much. Throwing this away can’t be the right thing to do. You work in that bank for a reason; I met you there for a reason. Maybe it’s something to do with this, I don’t know.” He chuckled. “I’m not much of a romantic.”
“This is romantic,” I confirmed with a blithe smile, trapping his hand holding my wrist. It was also egregiously sexy that Mateo was secure enough in himself that my work wasn’t an immediate dealbreaker. He might change his mind, but for the time being, I was holding on to his willingness to make us work with everything I had. “You don’t have to do this, you know. You don’t have to pretend to be okay with it. I’m giving you an out.”
“Stop trying to get rid of me, Natalia. It’s not going to work.”
My lips twisted upward into a smile that I tried to hide behind the rim of my beer as I brought it to my mouth. “All right, I’ll stop.”
“Will you show me?” He finally let go of my wrist to dig back into his plate of wings. The pressure that had been building in my chest that entire time released in one deep breath. His nonchalance caught me off guard.
Show him the most secret, intimate, vulnerable part of me? The woman I was on camera was not the same one sitting across from him. She couldn’t be. But if this was going to work, I needed to let Mateo in completely. No secrets, no lies. “Okay,” I said softly.
“And to be clear about what I said before, watching you do porn isn’t the same as watching porn, is it?”
My cheeks budded crimson. “I think you get a hall pass for this one.”
“I can’t believe you tried to convince me this was something negative.”
Maybe this could work, I thought. Maybe I had finally, actually met my match in Mateo. I didn’t want to get my hopes up too soon, but all signs pointed to the promise that I had.