Chapter 51 Valentina
FIFTY-ONE
VALENTINA
“Where are we going?” Faith whines, tripping over her feet as I drag her down the sidewalk.
I look at her over my shoulder. “Don’t you trust me?”
Her eyebrows smash together in a ‘you can’t be serious’ kind of way.
Finally, she rolls her eyes, picking up the pace just a little.
“If we’re going to kill someone, you could’ve at least let me put on better shoes.
These’ll be ruined if they get blood on them, and they’re my favorite pair.
You can’t buy them anymore, I’ve checked.
If I have to get rid of them, I may never forgive you. ”
I laugh, her attention to detail humorous and a touch alarming. “We’re not going to kill anyone. I can’t stand blood, remember?”
She huffs. “It doesn’t always require a gruesome technique to kill someone, V.”
I whirl on her. “What would you know about killing someone?” I shake my head. This has taken a dark turn, and I don’t know how. “Never mind; we’re almost there. Stop your bitching.”
She scrunches her nose but keeps her lips sealed, following me with no more resistance. Finally, we reach the storefront, giant glass windows covered in black and white tattoo-inspired artwork, the red sign overhead reading, ‘Needles and Knives?’ Faith looks at me incredulously.
“What?”
“Both things that draw blood.”
I roll my eyes. “Get inside. You’re being annoying.”
Faith sticks out her tongue at me, pulling open the door. “And you’re being a hypocrite.”
The smell of antiseptic spray and stale water wafts around us. I look around for the front desk, my gaze snagging on a thin woman with red hair and piercings peppering her ears and nose standing behind a glass counter.
“Hi, I have an appointment.” The girl looks up at us, smiling widely. It’s a kind smile, her eyes twinkling, and I smile back.
I find myself doing that a lot these days—smiling. It’s hard not to when I no longer feel the oppressive weight of shame and despair.
“Valentina?” she asks, and I nod. “Perfect. Falon will be your girl. She’s almost done.”
“Thanks.” I face Faith, whose eyes are sharp.
“V?” I wink at her, and her expression morphs to excitement. “You didn’t! Are we really—”
“Not we. Mine are done, although I’m thinking of having them switch the bars for something else.”
She claps her hands, jumping on her toes like a giddy school girl finding out her crush just talked about her on the playground. Pink crawls up her neck, a full body blush taking over, and I laugh at the sight of her so happy.
“Does McCrae know you’ve got a nipple fetish?” I tease.
Her grin falters. “Wh—what?”
I sigh. “We can talk about him, you know. You’re like two magnets. Plus, you’re both my best friends.”
Faith’s eyes round at the corners. “V, I—”
“I’ll honestly be pissed if you guys waste more time acting like you aren’t both insane for each other.”
She grabs my wrist, and I look at her—really look at her—she’s open, vulnerable in this moment, and I prepare for whatever she might say next.
This has been a topic we’ve danced around far too long, and I don’t want either of my best friends to spend another minute unhappy—not on my account, anyway.
“V, that means so much to me.”
“It’s nothing but the truth. Don’t make it a big deal.” I look over her shoulder for the receptionist, feeling uncomfortable with the praise I don’t deserve.
Faith yanks my wrist, and I snap my gaze to hers. “It’s everything, V. To me, to McCrae. You’re like our fairy godmother, giving us the opportunity and the means to find each other.”
“What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything.” I scoff.
Faith turns a deeper shade of pink, “How can I be with him? I’ve got so much going on, so much he doesn’t know I can’t tell him. How can I ever be with someone when I harbor so many secrets?”
“What secrets, Faith?”
She purses her lips but ignores my question, instead saying, “And Reiny. I have to consider her. But what if—” She licks her lips, eagerness bleeding into her tone.
“What if there was a way? But to have him, to truly have him, he has to change who he is? Could you love me still? Could you love us both if we changed?”
I grapple with the earnest, almost panicked edge to her voice, desperately trying to keep up even as her words and questions swirl in my mind, making a maddening web. “Faith—”
Her hand quivers around mine. “I want a fairytale, V. A real fairytale with a happy ending, an evil step mother who doesn’t win, a prince charming, a fucking mote around a castle in a land far, far away.
But I’ll have to change. I’ll have to, more than what I already am, and what if it’s too much?
What if what I’ve done is too far? What if—”
“Valentina?” Faith’s cut off by a leggy woman with a short black bob and way too much liner around her eyes.
She’s got one brown and one blue eye, and I try not to stare.
I fail, of course, but Faith, being the ever polite and gentle one of us, reaches out, shaking the woman’s hand.
Gone is her desperation and fear, replaced with the bubbly, slightly coy girl I first met.
“I’m Faith, V’s friend. Nice to meet you! My nipples are excited.”
The woman barks a laugh, shaking Faith’s hand with matched enthusiasm. “Lovely! I’m Falon. New year, new you?” Falon asks.
Faith smiles wickedly before shaking her head. “New year, new me. In more ways than one, my friend.”
Falon laughs again, leading us out of the main room and into the back. I smile and laugh too—it’s impossible not to around Faith.
But I can’t help the lingering feeling of something just out of reach that tingles at the back of my mind. I’m both at peace and anxious, and I can’t understand why. Is it what Faith said?
Or is it what Faith didn’t say?
“So you guys really did it?” Stetson sounds annoyed…jealous, even?
I default to Faith, looking at her for guidance on how to navigate friendship. Did we do something wrong? Did I mess up?
Faith just smiles at Stetson, patting her hand. “V and I can take you. You too Dale, if you want.”
Dale snorts, spilling her margarita on the table. She quickly wipes it up, shaking her head. “No, thank you. I don’t care for much pain.”
Stetson glares at Dale. “Don’t lie. You told me you let Mateo stick it in your ass recently. I don’t even let Gus do that, not fully.”
“Woah.” I cover my ears in horror. “I did not want to know that.”
Dale’s face flames red as she flashes her teeth at Stetson. They pass some kind of telepathic note I’m grateful to not be a part of. Faith, on the other hand, seems put out.
“I want to know!” she whines, and we all turn to her in surprise. “What?” Faith picks at her fingernails. “I haven’t gotten laid in so long, I’m pretty sure my pubes are actually cobwebs.”
“I need another drink.” Stetson waves her hand, and a man nods in our direction.
“What’s wrong?” I bite my tongue, instantly regretting how insecure I sound.
Stetson sighs, her shoulders slumping. “Nothing. I just…I never thought our pretty princess would out-dirty me some day. You’ve corrupted her.” Stetson looks at me, and I squirm.
It’s not that I haven’t thought as much before, but hearing it aloud is like hearing my worst fear come to life. I don’t want to corrupt her. Faith’s perfect as she is, and I—
“Stetson, you can be a real bitch sometimes,” Faith snaps, but her voice is all teasing, and my eyes ping pong around the group. Are we about to fight? Do I have to pick sides?
Stetson’s face splits into a feral grin. “You love me. Besides, I feel like you’re becoming less Faith or Cosmo and more just—”
“I am. It’s funny, but this year, something’s changed. I guess you guys all showed me I can be myself—good or bad, I’m deserving of love and friendship. I don’t feel like I have to hide part of myself to protect it. Or rather, I hope I won’t.”
I turn to ask her more, feeling like we’re on the precipice of finally breaking through. This confession, coupled with the one earlier, feels like she’s beginning to crack, screaming from the void for help. I know that cry for help; I’ve been there my entire life.
More than anything, I want to be Faith’s hand to hold when she’s scrambling out from beneath her trauma and demons, the way she was mine.
Dale must hear the same thing I do. “Faith, talk to us.”
Faith stares into her glass. “I can’t.”
“Enough of the cryptic shit,” I snap, my fear for her outweighing my fear of pushing her. It’s a small step, but it feels huge. And even though I want to revel in my new found confidence, I barely notice.
Faith’s skin darkens, her eyes looking anywhere but at us. Finally, she whispers, “I care about you guys, and that’s why I can’t tell you. I can’t tell anyone. If you knew, you’d be in danger. I refuse to do that to anyone I care about.”
“What about McCrae?” Stetson and Dale nod, but Faith ignores us all.
“McCrae could be different, but he’d have to change.”
“For fuck’s sake—”
I’m cut off by a man clearing his throat, and all our gazes snap toward him.
He’s a glass of tall, tan, and deeply muscled water, with golden blond hair cut into a modern mullet, the sides tapered above his ears.
On anyone else, I’d think it looked ridiculous.
On him, I can’t help but think any other cut would look wrong.
He smiles at us widely, warm brown eyes softening at the corners as he sets down the tray.
“Jared!” Faith squeals, jumping up to hug the man like we weren’t just in the middle of talking heatedly about her life.
It’s like she can’t stand to think about, so she pretends it doesn’t exist. Faith’s the queen of compartmentalizing—having an ‘alter ego’ is proof enough of that.
She locks up every dark, undesirable, or painful part of herself, stowing it away so deeply, no one even knows it’s there.
I’m different. I compartmentalize but wear every emotion on my sleeve, unable to suppress even the slightest frustration. Faith does it, and it’s no longer even a thing. I envy her, but more than that, I fear for her.
One person can only take so much before they detonate. Will she explode outward, or will she self-destruct?
Jared smiles sheepishly at Faith before wrapping her in a quick side hug. His eyes snag on Dale, burning for a second before blinking away. “How’ve my best girls been?”
Dale flames red, but she smiles kindly at him. “We’re good. Better now that you’re back. We missed your bartending skills.” Jared shoots her a wink, but Dale ignores it. “How was Colorado?”
It’s the mention of Colorado, the repetition of his name that have me finally remembering why it all sounds familiar. He’s the man the bartender and Faith gossiped about months ago.
Jared shrugs. “Cold, bleak. Not the least bit what I expected.”
“Did I hear you have a kid or something like that?” Dale asks.
Jared’s face droops before he looks over his shoulder, nodding his head to the ‘kid’ in question. She’s a girl, almost a woman, likely fourteen or fifteen, with stringy, jet black hair and thick black makeup that matches the clothes cloaking her thin frame. She looks sad, tortured, angry.
“Where’s her mother?” I don’t mean to pry or sound rude, but seeing her defenseless is like witnessing myself twenty years earlier.
Jared, being as good as Faith assured he was, only smiles.
“She left Nat with me. I’m doing the best I can, and honestly, I think she secretly likes being with me better, she just won’t say it.
If you won’t corrupt her too much, I’d love for her to sit with you guys instead of at the bar.
I’d hate to get into another fight tonight with some random old guy who thinks he can look at her. ”
Stetson pats the peeling leather seat. “Absolutely! We hate men at this table. Bring her over.”
Dale and Faith both blush, but I crack a smile, unable to deny it.
“Well, not you, obviously,” Faith assures him.
Jared laughs, and it’s a pleasant, deep sound that reminds me of Rafael, just less flirty. “Sure. You gotta have someone good looking to provide the drinks.” He winks and walks toward the bar to grab the girl.
“He’s still so hot,” Faith groans, fanning herself.
“Faith!” Dale scolds, swatting at her hand.
“Seriously, don’t let McCrae hear you. He doesn’t share,” I say.
Faith just looks at me, a somber but knowing grin pulling her rosy cheeks upward. “I won’t let a man tell me what I can and can’t do. If he wants to be with me, he’ll have to change.”
But change how? I still don’t know.