Chapter 56 Valentina
FIFTY-SIX
VALENTINA
We should have visited long ago. Rafael’s done so much to help me heal. Being here, with him—it’s the least I can do.
I wish I could go back to that day and do it all over.
I wish Rafael’s family was here, and we could celebrate the holidays together.
I wish, I wish, I wish…
But then, would I have met Rafael? Would I have healed from old traumas I thought I’d drag with me like bricks through the frozen winter of my life forever? Would I have found love and joy and peace?
I hate that one had to be at the expense of the other.
“You okay?” I rub reassuring circles over Rafael’s back, the icy, salt-filled breeze sweeping off the tides cutting through my clothing like frozen fingers. He nods but remains silent, and my heart squeezes. “I wish—” The words die off.
I’ve no good words to say, no way to take back all the horrible things I’ve done. I do wish his family was alive, but I’d never wish he wasn’t in my life.
Healing these last months has allowed me to realize life is full of greys—bad people are good for the right reasons, hurting can result in the sweetest relief, and fear is the quietest form of bravery.
Life’s never black and white.
I pause my rubbing, staring out into the waves as they angrily crash against the shore. The ocean’s both powerful and unknown, and yet it never fails to greet the sandy shore with soft, loving waves. It’s fathomless and mysterious, yet beautiful beyond reproach.
I like to picture Jose’s ashes out there, dancing and shimmering with a light that’s untamable, just like the one shining within the man beside me—a lighthouse beckoning the lost and lonely spirits home.
If he was anything like Rafael, he’s a welcome sight, a savior wrapped in common clothing—approachable, warm, and kind.
“I can hear you thinking.” Rafael chuckles, his hands reaching back to intertwine with mine.
I grip his hand tightly, hoping to hold on to him and everything we’ve built together.
Being honest with myself, I was terrified to come here today. It felt a lot like dragging through old wounds, opening the healed flesh to see the festering beneath.
What if he remembers what I’ve done, how evil I truly can be, and leaves me?
“V, baby, talk to me.” His voice is calm, and I take a shaky breath.
“I should be the one comforting you.”
He shrugs, but waits.
Susan’s words come bubbling to the surface, and I’m reminded it’s not my job to always say the right thing. “I’m scared,” I admit, the words both terrifying and freeing.
His fingers tighten around mine, and I reluctantly meet his mossy green gaze. “Of what?”
“Losing you. Losing us.”
His eyes soften. “You won’t.” There’s such assurance in his voice, I want to believe him, yet the nagging whisper in my head just won’t let up.
"Doesn't being here bring up old feelings for you? I did this—” I sweep out in front of us with my free hand, and Rafael’s gaze hardens. “I—”
“Please stop, V. I understand your fears, but you’re not the girl I thought you were.
You never were that girl. What happened to Jose was an accident.
It was an unfortunate piece of a twisted, dark tale that you played only a small part in.
” His throat bobs as he searches for his next words, and I don’t so much as blink.
“Yes, it’s painful being here, but not because I miss my family, not really.
I miss the boys we were before the world destroyed us. ”
I bite my lip, tears threatening to burn down my cheeks.
Rafael drops my hand, and I instantly feel the loss of his heat as the chill coats my bones.
Once, I would’ve loved the icy breeze of the ocean, its cutting edge raking across my skin.
Now, when I’ve become so used to the warmth of Rafael’s embrace and my heart’s finally begun to thaw, the chill is more than I can stand.
I watch him reach around in his pocket and withdraw a small, folded piece of paper. He stares down at it for a long moment, his throat bobbing, and my heart threatens to burst. Seeing him in such pain is worse than any torture.
How can I fix this?
Finally, he looks up, extending the paper to me. I grip it tenderly, unfolding it to realize it’s not paper at all, but an old, tattered photo. I stare at the faces of the boys, their joy frozen in time. It looks happy and full of love, and grief strikes me like an ax, splitting me open.
The weight of everything that’s happened comes crashing down on me like a tidal wave, the pain and hurt I’ve both endured and caused as vast and dark as the ocean itself.
Unable to restrain the tears any longer, they burn my cheeks, dripping down my neck. I wipe them away, careful not to get them on the photo, but still, more come. With shaky fingers, I return the photo to Rafael, shame so hot, it threatens to consume me, burning through my veins.
“I don’t blame you, Valentina. I don’t blame anyone.” Rafael’s voice is hard now, and I do my best to understand where he’s coming from. Still—
“I don’t understand how you can forgive me. I’ve barely begun to forgive myself.”
He holds up the photo, the wind making the folded piece flap angrily in the wind.
“These boys died long ago. My father left when I was barely old enough to understand, and my mother was sick almost my entire life. Marco and Javier—they were rotten, spoiled by life and a deep hatred for the world, and Jose, as tragic as it is, was determined to follow in their footsteps. I don’t have to forgive you, because there’s nothing to forgive. ”
I meet his gaze, and there’s only love and adoration in the green pools.
My insides melt all over again, this time with a love so grand and deep, I can’t fully understand it.
This man—one carved from the same onyx stone as myself—has crashed through my wall of ice and made a home in my heart, and that’s the greatest gift I could ever imagine.
He’s everything good and decent in this world—love and kindness, loyalty and truth. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and I didn’t have to change myself to get him.
I wrap my arms around his waist, burrowing my face in his chest as a fresh wave of tears race down my face. This time, they’re not from shame or sorrow, but pure relief.
Today, I woke up, afraid of what the future might hold for us. Now, I don’t care.
No matter what happens, Rafael’s here, brave and sturdy—a force that’s flexible but unbreakable. He’s seen me at my highest and lowest and never once not loved me for who I am at my core—a broken girl who simply wants to be enough.
Rafael’s a sailor in the dark waters of my soul, laughing in the face of danger, daring me to do my worst.
“I love you more than you know,” I whisper into the hard planes of his chest. He chuckles, the sound rich and deep against my ear.
“I love you, V. And I love you for caring enough to be worried.” He presses a kiss to the top of my head before slowly pushing me back to look at my face.
I blink up at him, and he gives me a warm smile that instantly makes the bite in my toes lessen.
“But please don’t worry anymore. Not about this, and not about me leaving. ”
I nod firmly, forcing myself to accept his words as truth and let the rest wash away. I’ve allowed my trauma be a burden too long, and now, with this man, all I want to do is live—whatever life may throw our way, I’m ready.
“I’d never let you go anyway.” I half-smile, the admission far too true.
His head tips back in a roar of laughter, the sound so like the raging sea behind us, and I belly laugh right along with him.
He’s wheezing, his entire body shaking when he finally says, “I know you wouldn’t.
You’ve got a gun, and I don’t want to know what it feels like for you to actually threaten me with it. ”
I push off him, scoffing. “Faith’s taught me well, you know.”
His eyes widen. “Oh, I’ve no doubt. She’s terrifying.”
I grin. “I’ll tell her you said that.”
“You wouldn’t dare!” His hands squeeze my ribs, and I yank out of his grip, having no interest in being tickled to death.
I dart farther back. “You can’t tell me what to do!” I shout, turning and racing down the beach.
“Watch me, baby. First, I’ll have you on your knees, and then I’ll have you on your back.”
I squeal as he pursues me, my heart warm and full of more joy than I ever thought possible. If was going to wish for things, I’d wish for this man, and this life, all over again.