Chapter 25 #2
Edith just shrugged away again. Her voice cracked and trembled with each word.
A dam broke inside her, and all her shame came rushing out.
“You don’t even know what I did! Do you know why we waited so long?
I was too scared to go on the quest. She waited for me and then died before I could muster the courage.
I—we were supposed to get here sooner. We were supposed to do this together.
Her last adventure, her lifelong dream, ruined because I’m a coward.
Serves me right that it’s a dead end.” Then Edith paused, met Thomasin’s eyes with grim determination.
“I don’t deserve you,” she said. The knowledge of that, and the decision Edith knew she had to make, cleaved her heart in two.
But she didn’t have a choice. She loved Thomasin, and that meant she had to do what was best for her.
Thomasin advanced once again, but Edith just kept drifting further from her as she continued to speak. “I failed my grandmother, and it’s only a matter of time before I fail you too.”
Thomasin threw her hands up. “Fail me all you want, that won’t change me loving you.”
“It will, though!” Edith shouted. “You gave up everything for me. You think you won’t resent me?
Think you won’t realize I was never worth any of it?
” Her mouth crumpled into a frown, and she felt the tears finally slipping from her eyes.
“I ruined my grandmother’s dream. I have to let you go before I ruin you too. ”
Thomasin grabbed her wrist, tighter this time. “Ruin me then, Edith. I can take it.”
“I can’t,” Edith said in a small voice. “I’m not being noble. I’m not being selfless. It’s just, you’ll realize I’m not worth all you gave up to be with me. You’ll fall out of love, but I’ll still love you, and I don’t think I can survive that.”
Thomasin’s thumb pressed into the pulse point of Edith’s wrist, the blood pumping at a punishing pace. “So you just give up, then?”
Edith smiled sadly. “We both knew I was in over my head anyway.”
Then she pulled away, right out of Thomasin’s grip. Her arm hung in midair for a second, like Thomasin still had her. At first, she couldn’t look away from Thomasin. But she had to.
She turned and fled. Out of the amethyst room. Through Merlin’s tomb, ignoring Thomasin’s shouts. She stuttered to a stop, one foot on the first step. Looking over her shoulder, she saw that Thomasin had followed her.
“Edith, please slow down. Let’s talk about this.”
The sight of her hurt Edith more than the sizzling blade against her open wound had.
It was a ripping, tearing pain, made worse by the fact that Edith was doing it to herself.
She didn’t have a choice, she reminded herself.
She had failed the quest, and she had to set Thomasin free before it was too late.
If Thomasin went straight to London, she could retake the syndicate, go back to her life.
“I’m sorry,” she said, the words feeble.
She spun around to face the stairs and began her ascent.
She stayed close to the wall as she followed the spiral up and up.
It felt like running away. But it isn’t, she told herself.
It was making a sacrifice. She could hear Thomasin’s light footfalls following her.
In any other place, Thomasin would have caught up to her.
But Edith’s feet were surer, faster, not hampered by fear of the drop below.
By the time she squeezed back through the tunnel, and out into the open air, her heart was hammering, and her chest was heaving. She hadn’t stopped to take a breath. Bending forward now, her hands on her knees, she gulped down air.
Then she heard the last voice she expected.
“Edith,” her father said.
She froze, lifted her head slowly, shock settling over her like a too-thick blanket.
Twilight had fallen, painting the forest in dark gray, and somehow, Edith’s father was there, looking so out of place in his fine clothes amid the overgrown foliage.
Edith’s shoulders were tense, her knuckles white where they gripped the strap of her satchel.
“Father?” The word was a shocked exhalation. She couldn’t wrap her mind around his presence. How had he found her here, on this forgotten island?
“Edith, thank God you’re alright.” He strode in her direction, arm outstretched, but paused when Edith faltered a step back.
“What are you doing here?” Thomasin was there suddenly, shouldering past her, positioning herself in front of Edith. There was mistrust and suspicion in every rigid line of Thomasin’s shoulders.
Though Thomasin stood between them, her father’s eyes never left Edith’s. “I’m here to collect my daughter.”
Edith touched Thomasin’s forearm, nudging her out of the way.
She tried not to think about the fact that this was the last time she would ever get to touch her.
Her fingers, having a mind of their own, refused to uncurl from Thomasin’s skin.
“It’s okay,” she said, stepping out from around Thomasin. “This is for the best.”
“Don’t tell me you’re going with him,” Thomasin demanded.
Each point of contact between her and Thomasin burned. The Excalibur inked on Edith’s arm stared up at her, mocking her.
“He was right.” Edith shrugged helplessly. “I don’t belong here.”
“It’s alright. We’ll be home soon, and we can forget all this ever happened.” Her father’s voice was soothing, and he crooked his fingers as if he were coaxing a scared cat toward him.
Edith dropped Thomasin’s arm and forced herself out of reach. “I’m so sorry, but I need to go where I’ll be safe.”
“Fuck safe! We love each other. We could be happy.” Thomasin kept her voice low, but every word was urgent.
“I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me.
” Edith smiled sadly, her features on the verge of crumpling.
But she kept stepping backward, toward her father.
She had tried, and she had failed. Now it was time for her to go home, where no one would care if she was unworthy.
In fact, they would expect it. She could handle those low expectations.
What she couldn’t handle was watching Thomasin grow disappointed with her as she slowly realized that Edith was indeed unworthy.
“Don’t say goodbye.” Thomasin’s voice rose. “Edith!” she called after her. “Please, don’t do this. You deserve more than that small life you had!”
Edith hesitated, every part of her wanting to believe that Thomasin was right.
But if Edith had been meant for more, then she would have been able to make it to Avalon.
A small life was what Edith was destined for.
It was time for her to stop imagining more for herself.
“I’ll have my family,” she said, as she joined her father.
She was still utterly confused as to how he’d found her, but confusion was safer than fear.
“Don’t you want more?” Thomasin said, as if reading her mind. “Stop accepting the crumbs of affection your family gives you, and let me give you everything that I am.”
Edith’s father began to guide her away with a hand on her back, but her footsteps stalled, and she turned halfway toward Thomasin. Tucking her hair behind her ear, she said, “My family will always love me. You won’t.”
“You don’t get to decide that for me!” Thomasin growled.
“The quest is over, Thomasin. Without an adventure, you’d get bored of me sooner or later.”
“But the quest isn’t over!” Thomasin shouted.
Edith forced her eyes to go distant. “This isn’t a fairy tale, Thomasin. I was wrong.”
Tears slipped from Thomasin’s eyes, and Edith felt them like a physical wound. With every one that fell, there was something vital being yanked from her chest.
“It’s time to go,” Edith’s father said to her, his arm tightening around her shoulders. She almost stayed. She almost ran to Thomasin. Almost wrapped her arms around the only woman she had ever loved, would ever love.
Instead, Edith let herself be led away.