Chapter 36
Levi
It’s crazy how fast your life can change. Mine specifically. I woke up feeling like the luckiest you-know-what in the whole world. I got the girl, I told Jan where to put it, and I’m in my hometown.
I reach up to scratch behind my ear. Everything is itchy and uncomfortable.
I feel like I need a Benadryl. Ever since a higher power got brought into our date, we haven’t said one word to each other.
It’s not exactly her fault. I haven’t thought of anything clever to say either.
The worst part is the day’s not over. There’s no lag time to process my thoughts.
Time to pick up the pieces after blowing up my life.
I have to drop her off to get changed and then we’re supposed to go to dinner and bowling at six.
I was going to take her to Love Circle to watch the sunset, but what’s the point?
We fundamentally don’t agree on a very large topic.
I slow the car along the curb of her Airbnb. I’m staring out the front window and so is she. A beat goes by, and finally I hear the click of a seat belt.
“Whelp, thank you for a lovely day. Franklin is such a charming town and I’m sure I’ll never forget it.”
“Yeah, of course.” I press my mouth into the best smile I can manage while feeling like trash.
She nods, opening the door. Once both feet are firmly planted, she grabs her bag of vintage treasures and steps back from the car.
There’s a weird ripping inside my chest. “Don’t worry about tonight.
I’m kind of wiped out from today anyways,” she says, her emotions pretty zipped up.
All but her eyes. The normal hazel has darkened from strain.
“Yeah, okay.”
The door closes. I stay to watch her disappear into the building to torture myself.
Man, why do I have to be me. A mess. A pessimistic jerk.
I know a good man wouldn’t do the things I’ve done.
Wouldn’t completely shut down at the conversation of God.
But if there is a God, where was he when I needed him?
Why didn’t he stop my dad from leaving? Hold my family together?
I slap the steering wheel hard. Dang it.
Once the door shuts behind her and I know she is safe inside, I drive. I drive and drive. I drive circles around this town until the hour comes to go bowling. Tim texts like he said he would.
Tim: Let’s have another good one, yeah?
And then he calls. A couple times. I remind myself it isn’t him who I’m mad at, it’s me.
Tim loves all that Jesus stuff. I’m sure they’ll all hit it off tonight.
Talkin’ about things I just don’t understand.
Never will. I pass the bowling alley. It taunts me with its retro neon letters overlaying a giant bowling ball.
My phone rings again. Hastily, I grab the phone from the cupholder, answering the call before pressing it to my ear, shouting, “What?!”
“Levi? You good? Tate just told me you weren’t feeling well. Wanted to check in. I know what a big deal this weekend is for you. How Tate is a big deal to you.”
The knife in my gut presses and twists. It’s over. I’ve lost her again.
“You guys have fun, okay?” I punch out, turning my car in the direction of my house.
“Thanks, man.” Pause. “I think I have a thing for Callie. She’s just so different from anyone I’ve ever met. She’s spontaneous and grounded. She’s easygoing but has great depth. She’s beautiful and beautiful—”
“Stop! If you’re writing a poem, I want off the call. Also, that last line needs work.”
Tim’s laughter fills the phone and for a moment I’m suspended outside of my problems. My friend is happy.
“I just pulled up to their place. Call you later.”
“Alright. Hey, real quick, do you still go to church?”
“Uh, yeah man. Every Sunday. Why? You wanna come?”
“No. Well...maybe? I don’t know. No.”
I hear the door slam and I picture him jogging up the steps.
“I’ll let you go.”
“You sure you’re good? I don’t have to go...”
“You’re good. Go.”
***
When I irrationally booked my flight back to LA for early that Sunday morning there were several things I didn’t consider.
The first one—Gabriella. My little performance with Tate made headlines before I even got up Saturday morning.
The trip to Franklin didn’t make it better, but it’s been eerily quiet on Gabriella’s end.
Not a text or call. She hasn’t blasted me with posts or profanities.
And for someone who has a flair for the dramatic, this is not a good sign.
Then there’s Jan. My love-conquers-all, puffed-up chest has deflated into what in the world was I thinking?
I feel like I was momentarily possessed by someone who is not me.
Someone like Tim who goes headfirst into a relationship.
Nope, I didn’t think about Gabriella, Jan, or the show the whole flight back.
I’ll tell you, when I kicked my boots out under the seat in front of me, I was thinking about one thing—getting as far away from Tate as humanly possible.
The first time, she left me. This time, I left her.
We’re even, in a sense, but I still feel like a steaming pile of dog poop.
I punch in the code to the door, clearing my mind of feelings and ready myself for the backlash I’ve put off till now.
The glass in the door wiggles a bit when I close the door behind me.
Everything is just as I left it. I stride upstairs, bag in hand, just as Gabriella rounds the corner.
I stop and so does she. It feels like an old western showdown.
A tumbleweed will roll by any minute now. Her face conveys no emotion.
“Hey,” I say first.
Her eyes narrow a fraction. “Hey.”
Another lengthy pause.
“Look, Gabriella, I messed up. I don’t know what got into—”
I’m cut off by a firm palm between us. “Let’s drop it. This was never real, like what you have with Tate.”
I was prepared to be called stupid. Reckless. Irresponsible even. I could take those. Shake them off. But that? That felt like a one-two knockout punch.
“Yeah, I don’t know about that,” I say, rolling my lips inward. I watch as she cocks her head to one side, eyes slicing over my face as she attempts to read the message under what I’m saying. Finally, she gives up,
“What do you mean you don’t know about that? There’s about a million pictures on the internet that suggest otherwise.”
I scratch at a spot on the back of my neck right below my ear. The weight of my bag is somehow lighter than this conversation.
“Let me go put my bag down and then we can talk.” I make to move past her, but as I am about to, she stops me with a curl of a hand around my bicep.
“What happened?” Concern flashes over her eyes and I feel compelled to tell her.
“Can we at least sit down?” It’s a question, but I’ve already sat on the step and have my bag parked on the one right below me before she answers.
She takes a seat. “Spill.”
“There’s no good place to start. I like Tate...really like Tate, as you know. And I don’t know if I wanted closure or what, but whatever was happening is no longer happening. We’re too different. We want different things, and I should have just let her leave the first time.”
“Different how?”
“She believes in God and stuff.” I don’t mean to mumble it, but it’s how it comes out.
“What?”
I repeat. “She believes in God. And stuff.” Not sure what the stuff I’m referring to is, but the sentence also doesn’t feel complete without it.
Gabriella slaps her knee. “Well duh! You didn’t pick up on that?”
I turn to look at her. “No, did you?”
Her entire face glitters with humor. “The girl doesn’t swear, drink, or have sex. Did you think that was all a coincidence?”
The moments filter through my mind. All of them, cataloging first to last.
“Oh my... I am a complete idiot, aren’t I?” I whisper out loud to myself.
“You most definitely are,” she responds.
“That wasn’t a question, Gabby.”
“Gabby again? Really?” She arches an eyebrow.
Just then the door flies open and Jan walks in. Even through her cat-eye sunglasses I know she has her eyes locked on the two of us. The tips of her smile lift into something sinister.
“Perfect! You’re both here. Don’t move.” We both look at each other in confusion just as several camera people rush in and set up at the bottom of the stairs.
I spy Kim, and when our eyes meet, I lift my hand as if to say what in the world is going on?
She smiles before lifting her left hand in the same way I did but pinches her ring finger.
I squint, but not too hard as the diamond hanging onto her finger might as well be the iceberg that sank the Titanic.
My eyes slide back to her face just in time to catch her mouthing, PROPOSAL.
“Did she just say proposal?” Gabriella says, but it sounds far away.
I look to see if she moved, but she hasn’t.
The edges of her body are frayed a bit. Like I’m looking through a camera scope.
Oh no, it’s happening. I close my eyes, shutting everything out.
I try to picture the beach, the waves, the same imagery I’ve always conjured, but the noise around me is so loud.
“Levi? Levi? You good?”
“Yeah... Yeah, I’m good. Hey, can you do me a favor?”
“Now?” Gabriella questions.
I work to control my breath. “Yeah, it’s not a big thing,” I say in a rush. “Could you just rub circles, big to small, across my back.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
I scrunch my face, thinking to myself again that nothing is easy with Gabriella. I open one of my eyes to check my vision. Better but not clear. Gabriella’s staring at me, her nose scrunched at the center, her tiny freckles folding inward.
“I have panic attacks and I’m having one now.
Tate... Tate used to do these circles. Never mind.
I’ll be fine.” I let my head drop between my legs.
After about five exhales I feel her palm draw the first unsteady circle.
She gains more confidence with every lap until they dissolve into a palm at the center of my spine.
Without realizing it, my breathing has stabilized.
I lift my head to cameras on tripods and shoulders.
There’s a woman in a fire-engine red two-piece suit getting mic’d up.
“Better?”
“Yeah, thank you.”
“Of course.” She smiles.
“Alright, lovebirds.” Jan climbs the steps, Kim not far behind her. She pushes up her glasses and throws her hand on her hip. “Kim, throw Levi’s stuff in his room while I give these two the rundown.”
“Excuse me?” Kim says, but it’s whiny. A voice only used when talking to a parent, and I can never unsee the resemblance.
“Just do it, please.”
She redirects her attention to us. “Welcome home, Levi. I trust you had a good visit?”
“It was fine. Thank you.”
Her eyes narrow. “Is there anything I need to know that I don’t already?”
“Nope,” I -86 the P. I think the mental games are what I hate the most.
“Great.” She claps once, and Kim reappears. “So, here’s the deal. Levi knows he messed up, but during his time back home, he realized he truly wanted...”
Tate, something inside whispers. My traitor heart.
“Gabriella, you’re brokenhearted, but can’t seem to stay away from Levi. You guys agree to try and make it work one last time, but this time...” She clears her throat and motions for Kim.
“This time it’s permanent. Or at least, that’s what the audience thinks.” She pushes her hand towards our faces, fingers displayed like in Beyoncé’s performance of “Single Ladies.”
“You can’t be serious!” Gabriella chimes in, flabbergasted, and I’m grateful for once it isn’t me doing the complaining.
“That is the most beautiful diamond ever! Can I try it on? What carat?” My mouth falls open as Kim passes the ring over to Gabriella and she slips it on her ring finger.
“It’s so perfect!” she squeals. “What are the details?”
“It’s a three-carat Lorraine Schwartz.”
“STOP IT!” She reaches for her phone and starts snapping picture after picture of her hand. She faces her palm towards me and snaps a pic of me and her hand. I probably look stunned. I feel stunned.
“Not to, um, ruin anyone’s moment...but, Gabriella, you don’t want to marry me...”
She moves her hand out of my face and there’s an audible groan from the three women surrounding me.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but of course not! You have commitment-phobe written all over your face, amongst other things. You have a nice face though, and your body—”
“Okay,” Jan cuts in again. “What Gabriella is trying to say is that this is for the show. Nothing will be ordained, and the ring is on loan.”
“Right...”
“Don’t tell me you grew a moral compass while you were away,” Kim chimes in. It’s not malicious, but it hits like salt to a wound.
“Not a chance,” I say through a tight smile.
Someone in all black takes the stairs three at a time. “Jan, everyone’s ready!”
“Alright, showtime!”