Chapter 40
Levi
As my teeth sink into the oversized sandwich I ordered, I have to lean forward so the chopped lettuce and end slice of tomato fall into the lined culinary boat it came in. My mom laughs before taking what she will surely describe as a normal-sized bite in which nothing falls out.
It took longer than I thought it would to get over to her hotel with everything that happened with Gabriella, and then traffic, but we’re here now. I stare at the fenced outdoor patio of the sandwich shop towards the Santa Monica Pier off in the distance.
“So...” My mom cuts through my thoughts.
“So?” I counter.
“I’m here! Did you ever think you would see the day?”
I open my sandwich in attempt to stuff some of the roughage back in, only to find there is roughage in excess. I level it and close it back up again. “No, I didn’t. Last I heard, you were afraid to fly, and now you just hop on a plane across the country all by yourself.”
Her mouth drops a bit before she quickly fills it with a sandwich.
We argued on the ride over that she 100 percent said Tim’s name.
She responded by telling me I need to get some sleep and maybe start to see what’s-her-name again.
Then I reminded her for probably the millionth time that her name is Tina.
Tina’s been my therapist since high school and has helped me navigate my crippling panic attacks, but Mom somehow still refers to her as what’s-her-name.
“Mm-hmm,” she says, nodding her head. “Wild.” Once she manages to swallow her food, she continues “What else is going on? I haven’t seen you in a couple weeks. How’s your fiancée?”
“An absolute nightmare, how about yours?”
“He’s great. Thank you for asking.”
For a minute, both of us say nothing. We watch the seagulls spin above our heads in swooping circles and the water in the distance.
I think what I’ll miss about LA is the smell of the ocean.
Something about the salt in the air feels almost therapeutic.
The unmistakable clicking sound of a camera goes off, before another and another.
I spy two guys approaching from the boardwalk.
My mom waves, not able to shake the Southern in her, but unfortunately, they take it as an invitation, coming up right beside the fence to the restaurant.
“Levi, is this your mother?”
I lean back and smile. “Yeah, isn’t she pretty?” My mom blushes instantly, tucking her chin to her chest, embarrassed.
“Stunning!” the man replies. “How do you feel about the finale in a couple days?”
“I feel great. Can’t wait to win and go home.”
“California isn’t for you, huh?”
“Nah, I’ll be buried in Tennessee.” I stand, collecting what’s left of my sandwich, which looks like a whole salad, and my mom’s plate once she signals that she’s finished too.
“One last question.” I stop, trying my best to be polite. “How does your fiancée, Gabriella, feel about your mom flying in with Tate McGregor, who you were romantically involved with during the first part of the show?” My eyes slide to my mom, who looks like she’s seen a ghost.
“Levi! Levi!” The man’s calling my name, but I feel like I’m being sucked through a vortex. And it’s confirmed my mom did lie to me. Again. I knew this, of course, but I was hoping she would tell me herself.
“Alright, boys, that’s enough for today.” My mom stands, and surprisingly, they tip an imaginary hat and leave.
“Look, Levi, it was supposed to be a surprise. Don’t freak out.”
“Mom, you’re my mother, you’re not supposed to lie to me.”
“It wasn’t a lie...it was an omission.”
I shake my head and walk to the trash to dump the food; she follows behind quietly.
I walk out of the restaurant onto the boardwalk.
I can still see the cameraman up ahead, so I walk straight, transferring from cement to sand.
I walk all the way down until the dry sand meets the wet, which is where I stop and sit. My mom takes the seat beside me.
“I know you’re mad.”
“I’m not mad,” I snap like a petulant teen. “I’m disappointed. Confused. I feel like I’m losing it.”
My mom wraps an arm around me, pulling me into her side. “Levi, I love you. I love you no matter what. Good choices or bad, I love you. Though, it might not be such a bad idea to start seeing...”
“Her name’s Tina.” I laugh and she does too.
“Seeing Tina again. Just to have a sounding board, and maybe, when you’re ready, you can call your dad too.”
“My dad? Why would I want to talk to him?”
She lets out a heavy sigh, eyes on the rolling tide. “Because he’s your dad. Because deep down, you love him more than you hate him, and because not forgiving him is starting to affect you.” We both sit with that for a long time.
“Okay,” I finally say.
“Okay?” she mimics, face unable to hide her shock. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thanks, Mom. We had better get you back.” Pressing my feet into the sand, I stand first and then help my mom up. We trudge back up the beach towards the road as I text for a car.
“So, you flew with Tate, huh?”
“I was wondering how long it would take you to ask...”
“And...”
“And what?”
“And what do you think?” I laugh, running my tongue over my wind-chapped lips.
“She’s really a nice girl, Levi,” my mom says, more than winded, coming to sit on a bench once we reach the sidewalk.
“Just nice?”
She attempts to playfully punch me in the arm, but I move. “No, she’s great. Confident, sweet, funny, pretty...the whole package! I can see why you’re so smitten with her.”
“Who says I’m smitten with her?”
“Just about anyone who has seen you two together.” Her comment gives me equal parts happiness and anxiety.
Butterflies and bees. Flutters and stings.
For the hundredth time, I wish I could just be a normal guy.
That I could like a girl, she could like me, and everything would work out.
But my anxiety undoes me every time I get close to someone. I can’t do that again.
I look up to see an unmarked black car in the distance and check my phone to see if it’s ours.
“The car’s here,” I extend a hand to help my mom from the bench. She laughs before telling me that she’s not that old yet. The car pulls to the side, and I hold open the door for her to get in.
“You know, she still loves you too,” my mom says, slipping into the car without another word. I climb in behind her and we drive the next fifteen minutes to her hotel in near silence. When the car stops outside of the big hotel doors, she says, “Don’t get out.”
“Mom, let me get the door for you.”
“No, I don’t know where Tim, Tate, and Callie are, and they’re dead set on their presence being a surprise, so you better not say anything.”
I toss my hands in my lap. “I won’t.”
“Okay, I’ll text you later. I love you,” she says, sliding from the car.
“I love you too.”
I check the time, it’s already past five in Tennessee, but once we’re a block away from the hotel I pull my phone out to call Tina. If I don’t do it now, then I might not ever. It rings a couple times and then she answers.
“Hi, Levi? You okay?” She probably thinks I’m in the middle of a panic attack, and historically, she would be right. I usually only call her when I’m so deep the only thing to pull me out is her counting backwards.
“I’m okay. I’m not having a panic attack.”
There is an audible whoosh of relief. “That’s good. What can I help you with? I’m just closing up for the night.”
I scratch at the incoming hair at the line of my jawbone. “I know that a while ago you said that if I don’t deal with the source of my panic attacks, they would never really go away...”
“That’s right.”
“Well, I think I’m ready to talk if you have time.” It comes out awkward and a little forced.
“I’m so happy you’re deciding to take this next step. I would love to help you. When would you like to start?”
“I’ll be in California for the next week, but if you’re open to it, can we start with a phone session?”
“Absolutely. I have a couple clients who are local but still prefer to do phone conferences. Are you available now?”
I look around at the empty cab and the driver. We’re about another twenty-five minutes—not accounting for traffic—from the house. It’s as good a time as any.
“Yeah, but I thought you were closing up?”
“I am, but it sounds like you’re ready to talk, so I’m ready to listen. Where do you want to start?”