30. Chapter 30
My eyes feel like they’re swollen shut, and I’m covered in James’s blood.
All I’ve done for the last hour is cry. I’m currently sitting in the waiting room, waiting for news on James and Lennox, and I’m a fucking wreck. My siblings are here, but they are letting me have my space, thankfully.
I don’t even know what I would say to them if I could talk right now. All I keep thinking about is killing Tennison, watching the blood pour from his head after he fell, and then looking up to see James fucking stabbed.
I can’t even begin to describe the emotions I’m feeling. Everything from guilt to grief to pride fills me every second I sit here.
And fear.
So much fear.
My brain is coming up with every worst-case scenario for both of them, and none of it equals them surviving. I mean, a stab wound to the stomach has a lot of potential for things to go wrong. And Lennox? God, I don’t even know where to begin. I have no idea what shape he was in when Arlo brought him in because Arlo needed to rally with the Fugitive Task Force in a conference room in the hospital. I want to be mad at him, but I can’t because it’s his job.
You know whose job it wasn’t? James fucking Oakley’s.
And now he’s in surgery.
I’m not angry at James either. I’m just exhausted and so fucking stressed. I don’t know how to work through all these emotions right now.
A hand touches my shoulder and I flinch, looking up to see Ledger looking at me with concern in his eyes.
“The doctor wants to talk to us,” he says softly. I look around to see the rest of the family standing, waiting for me.
I didn’t even hear them call us. Blinking back the tears threatening to fall, I stand up to follow the doctor.
The paramedics that took care of Oakley on the way in talked to me about the effects of being in shock. I can recognize the truth in their words with how I’m feeling right now. The chill has taken control of my body, and the shivering won’t stop. I’m wrapped in blankets, but it doesn’t matter.
We sit in a bland conference room, one I assume the hospital uses for bad news, and it only makes the tears actually fall.
God, I’m a mess.
“So, an update on Lennox. He’s doing as well as can be expected. The main concern was getting more blood into him as he lost a lot during … the incident. Currently, he is in the ICU as a precaution, due to how susceptible he is to infection right now. I’m optimistic that he’ll be out by tomorrow and into regular hospital care, but we’ll keep you updated. Law enforcement is talking to him at the moment, but when they leave, you’ll be able to go visit him one at a time. Physically, he’ll recover fine. Mentally, I want to prepare you for a hard road. I don’t know many details, but I do know you’ll all need to be extremely patient with him. He could act completely fine but be drowning on the inside. He could show every emotion in the book and take it out on you. I just want to prepare you for a long mental battle for him.”
I cover my mouth as a sob breaks free. Ainsley is sitting next to me and pulls me into a hug as the others watch me break down. The doctor, God bless him, just patiently waits while I calm my shit down. It’s like I have no control over anything. My emotions, my body … all of it is working independently of my brain. And all my brain can think is that none of this should have happened. Logically, I know it’s a fucked-up way to think, but the what-ifs are adding up and are on a constant loop in my thoughts.
“I don’t anticipate Lennox being here for longer than a week. A good majority of the cuts were superficial and will heal in that time, and the deeper ones will have healed enough to let him go home. As long as there is no infection, it should be a relatively fast process.”
Ledger nods, continuing to listen. His need to take control shows, and I’m glad someone is able to fully listen.
“As far as James Oakley is concerned...” He pauses. “I’m not really supposed to be telling anything to anyone not family, but he said that Willow is his fiancé, and to talk to you and the family about anything happening.”
My heart damn near rips from my chest.
Pain.
I feel so much pain at hearing him calling me James’s fiancé because I have no idea if he’s even going to make it. And the thought of losing him when I just got him is too much, it’s too overwhelming.
“Is he out of surgery?” Rina asks.
“He is, and it was touch and go there for a little bit. The blade nicked his liver and some bigger blood vessels, so there was a lot of bleeding. We ended up needing to take a lobe of his liver before closing him up because it was too damaged. It’s still perfectly functional; this just decreases the risk after surgery. So, his risk of infection, sepsis, or even an abscess is drastically lower now. We had to give him some blood as well, but he should be fine once the anesthesia wears off.”
“And how long will he have to stay here?” Ainsley asks while still holding me to her side.
“We want to make sure the sutures are good and there’s no sign of infection. I’d like to keep him at least a couple more days, but I get the feeling he may fight us on that.” He smiles warmly.
Stubborn ass. I’ll make him fucking stay here.
The thought almost makes me laugh, but I’m just too terrified. Just because they both made it out of surgery doesn’t mean either are out of the woods yet. My pessimistic brain is throwing out every terrible thing I’ve researched for books as an outcome, and now I want to figure out how to actually shut my brain off. I don’t think I can handle my thoughts for much longer.
“I can take one of you up to Lennox right now, and James should be awake shortly. A nurse will come and get you when he is.”
The whole group looks at me, and I nod. I might be a mess, but Lennox is my best friend and I need to see the damage. I need to see that killing Tennison was worth it.
I stand up shakily as the doctor ushers me out of the room and to the elevator.
“Are you sure you’re okay? We can have a nurse check you out when we get up there.”
“I-I-I think it’s just shock,” I chatter and hiccup through the tears that won’t stop falling. “I’m not ph-ph-physically hurt.”
He looks at me with concern but nods anyway. I have a feeling he’s not just going to let that go, but I don’t care about that right now.
The trip to the ICU is a quick one, just a short elevator ride and then through the first doors you see when you get to the floor. Lennox is in the room immediately to the right. I stop outside the door, the huge window making it easy to see Lennox lying in the bed, hooked up to a million machines.
I feel myself weakening, starting to fall to the ground, but I straighten myself up. Attempting to wipe the tears away is much harder to do when they are still trailing down my face, but I take a deep breath, trying to stop the flow.
I need to be strong for him. Unaffected. Just like a regular day, except he’s stuck in the hospital. And I will push down all of my shit to make him feel some semblance of normalcy.
Rolling my neck, I finally feel calm enough, although the blanket is still wrapped around me because the chills just won’t fucking stop. I scrub my hand over my face one more time and walk into his room.
The smell and sounds will stay with me forever. Antiseptic. Melodic. So fucking sterile.
I walk to his bedside and gently grab the hand that’s close to me.
“Hey, Lenny,” I whisper. His eyes slowly blink open, and I feel mine well with tears again. “You look good.” I give him a small grin, both of us knowing it’s not the least bit true.
My eyes trail down his body; only his lower half is covered by a sheet, his legs out in the open too. Most of the cuts aren’t covered, left to do some good old-fashioned natural healing. The ones that are covered, I know are the ones that were especially deep. His thighs and torso have the majority of them, and it’s painful to see him so mutilated.
“I look like shit,” he says, his voice gravelly from surgery.
“You do.” I nod casually, trying to be my normal self with him. I know if the positions were reversed, I wouldn’t want anyone treating me differently, and I know it would piss off Lennox.
“Good news, though. Chicks love scars, so I think you’ve got this one in the bag,” I lamely joke. It falls completely flat, and when I look into his eyes, all I see is a vacancy.
I know nothing will be the same after this. I know Lennox will have the hardest road when he leaves here, but I was hoping so damn hard that his light would still be there. His mischief would still linger in his eyes.
And finding it all gone? It’s like a knife to the heart. I don’t know how to help him. I don’t know how to act or what to say. I feel like one wrong move, and it will make things exponentially worse.
“None of this was your fault, Will. Or Oakley’s,” he croaks out.
I nod, not meeting his eyes because I don’t believe that. I feel like I could have done more. Hell, I could have warned Lennox myself instead of leaving it to the stupid Task Force. They couldn’t protect Lennox or James, so I’m not too fond of any of them at the moment.
“Willow,” he says, his voice stronger, adamant.
I lock eyes with him, his skin too pale.
“Do not put any of this on your shoulders. Take care of you. Take care of Oakley. I promise I will be okay.” He squeezes my hand tight.
I jerk my head in some form of a nod as the tears start to fall again.
This Lennox is different.
And I wonder if I’ll ever have the old Lennox back.
“Ma’am,” a nurse behind me calls gently.
I look back at her and wait for whatever she needs to tell me.
“Mr. Oakley is awake in his room. And your time is up in here too. We only let visitors stay ten minutes at a time—lessens the risk.”
I nod, squeezing Lennox’s hand again. “I don’t want to leave you,” I whisper.
“Go. I’ll be here.” His voice is dull and has no inflection. It’s painful. Something so simple, but it’s not the playful Lennox we all know and love, not the unserious and sometimes immature Lennox. I just hope once the bulk of his physical healing happens, he’ll be receptive to some help psychologically.
“I’ll come see you again soon.” I lean down and press a soft kiss to his hairline as the tears fall into his hair.
He gives my hand one last squeeze before letting go and watching me walk out of his room.
The nurse silently leads me back to the elevator and down two floors. It’s a totally different world down here, full of life. There’s a ton of people, mostly hospital staff that are running around taking care of a multitude of things, but it’s completely different than the ICU where it’s too quiet.
I’m led to a room around the corner, tucked in the back. There’s a handful of muscled men standing vigil outside of James’s room, and I can’t help but feel utter contempt for them. They should have been more help, should have protected both Lennox and Oakley.
I don’t look at any of them, just walk right into the room without thinking and then stop dead in my tracks.
James is lying in the hospital bed, looking weaker than I ever could have imagined. He’s hooked up to the same machines Lennox was, and he’s covered with a hospital gown. He looks like he’s sleeping, so I slowly walk over to him.
That fear when I saw him and Tennison fighting returns with a vengeance. It’s like my flight-or-fight response doesn’t realize it’s all over and now it’s time for healing.
I sit in the chair that someone left right next to his bed and try to work through my emotions.
I don’t know how to react, what to say, or how he would want me to treat him. And the memory of him calling me his fiancé pounds in my skull, begging to be true, even though I’ve never seen myself as the type to get married. It just means that he’s alive. It means that he’s mine, and I won’t lose him.
And I’m not sure how he’ll feel when he wakes up.
Carefully, I reach out—noticing I’m shaking worse now and my hands feel clammy—and slide my hand into his.
“Trouble,” his whispered voice hits me, and I completely break down.