Chapter 11
CHAPTER ELEVEN
“Falk tells me you’re doing well adjusting,” Dr. Bram hummed. The papers on his clipboard rustled loudly as he flipped through them, his pen clicking absentmindedly. “But how about you tell me how you’re feeling about it?”
“Well,” Ren said slowly, considering his words carefully. “I do think it’s going well. I’m still figuring a lot of things out though, especially with how the castle works.”
“That is to be expected,” the doctor said with a nod.
Ren licked his lips, fingers curling and uncurling into the hem of his sweater.
Dr. Bram was already jotting down a few notes.
Ren hadn’t even said anything yet—how was he already writing so much?
“But having Falk really helps,” Ren continued.
“Obviously he knows how things work and he’s been trying to show me everything, but…
” he trailed off, thinking again before speaking.
“Sometimes I feel like I don’t know anything and I’m having to learn how to live all over again. ”
“You were in prison for just shy of a year, Ren,” Dr Choi pointed out. “That’s a long time to be in the isolation you experienced. Plus, before that, you did not live in the castle. It’s going to take a long time to feel at home here.”
“I guess,” Ren mumbled.
“Is there anything specific that has been an obstacle for you?”
“The Alphas,” Ren said. “I don’t like to be around them—I don’t like them looking at me or talking to me or being near me.
” He pointedly looked at the several feet of space he had put between himself and the doctor for their session.
Ren had scooted his chair all the way back until it was against the wall of the room and made Dr. Bram back up his own until he was against the opposite side.
“There were Alphas in your village on the cliffs,” the doctor pointed out.
“I hated them too,” Ren said.
“Did you feel this panic before?”
“No, not before I was attacked,” Ren said slowly.
Dr. Bram glanced up at him and Ren squirmed under his gaze. “You keep using that word,” he said. “You keep saying ‘attacked’.”
“That’s what happened,” Ren said, “I was attacked.”
“You were sexually assaulted.”
“Same thing.” Ren breathed
“I think it would help your healing if you acknowledged what actually happened to you when you talk about it,” Dr. Bram explained. “I think it would be better for you to say you were sexually assaulted or raped rather than attacked.”
Ren stared at him blankly, making no move to open his lips to respond.
“How do you feel when an Alpha does talk to you or gets near you?” Dr. Bram continued.
“Panicky,” Ren muttered. “I feel… like I… I freeze—I feel like a weight is crushing my chest and I can’t breathe or move or anything.”
“Falk told me you ran one time.”
“That was the only time I’ve ever gotten myself to move,” Ren said. “And I… I ran—I needed to get away, and then I couldn’t stop running even when I was far away from them. I needed to keep going.”
“So, you weren’t running away—you weren’t running from Falk, right?”
Ren shook his head furiously. “No, I wasn’t trying to escape. I just needed to get out of that situation.”
“Do you still want to escape?” Ren looked up, eyebrows furrowing at the question. “From here—do you still want to run away from the castle? Like how you tried multiple times when you were in prison.”
“No,” Ren whispered, and found the word was true. “I don’t want to. I’m… I’m okay here now. I’m…” he trailed off for a second, debating. “Happy isn’t the right word, but I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.”
“What’s made you happy?”
“Freedom is nice,” Ren said, the corners of his mouth twitching up.
“Yes, but you barely have it still,” Dr. Bram pointed out. “You are under constant surveillance and are not allowed to be alone.”
“Sure, but I’m not in my prison cell anymore,” Ren said.
“You don’t mind that Falk cannot leave your side? You said you felt strange with how he was teaching you how to do everything.”
“Yeah, but I like him.” Ren shrugged. “I feel bad he has to babysit me but… I think I’d want to be around him even if I was entirely free. So, I don’t mind.”
“Wanting to be around someone and having someone guard you twenty-four seven is different,” the doctor said slowly. “People usually want their privacy—even if they like someone and want to be around them, they want breaks away from their friends.”
Ren shrugged again. “I don’t like being alone,” he admitted. “And I like Falk so I like him being around me.”
“You don’t like being alone?” the doctor’s eyebrows shot up, surprise coloring his features.
“No,” Ren shook his head. “Not recently. I think I’ve gotten used to having Falk around me at all times. He was always there even when I was in prison. Plus, it’s not like we are actively socializing constantly. We sit around in silence together a lot too.”
The pen moved frantically as Dr. Bram wrote down whatever he was thinking.
There was a soft knock at the door before Dr. Bram could ask his follow up question. He sighed, placed his clipboard and pen down on the desk and stood. Ren got to his feet as well, keeping a wide berth from him as he walked to the door.
“Oh, Ren.”
Ren froze, but didn’t look over his shoulder at him.
“I don’t think I will get to see you until next week,” Dr. Bram hummed. “So, happy birthday.”
Ren glanced over at him. Dr. Bram was smiling softly at him—an almost fond expression on his face. “Thanks,” he whispered before opening the door.
Before he could even take a step out of the room, he was stopping in his tracks as something was shoved into his face. Ren went nearly cross eyed to be able to see a little white flower being held out to him. He blinked as he looked past it to Falk.
“What?” Ren asked, baffled, as he reached up and took the flower from Falk’s hand.
“How was work?” Falk asked as though nothing had happened.
Ren’s face scrunched up in confusion as he stared at the flower he twirled between his fingers. “Fine,” he said slowly, “but what is this? Where did you even get a flower?”
“I found it outside,” Falk said with a shrug.
Falk waved Ren along when he noticed he was still standing there, rooted in place.
“Do you like Dr. Bram?” Falk asked as they started walking back down the hallway.
Ren wasn’t sure where they were going today—it changed every day.
So, he let Falk lead the way and followed quickly at his heels.
“He’s fine for an Alpha, I guess,” Ren grumbled as he tucked the flower into his pocket to keep it safe.
Falk raised an eyebrow at him, “Dr. Bram is trying to help you. He’s not going to hurt you, Ren.”
“I know,” Ren sighed. “He still makes me anxious though.”
He had only seen Dr. Bram about a dozen times now—he had seen him every day for the first week he had been let out of prison, but now it was every few days depending on what else the doctor needed to attend to.
Every time he went, Ren felt his anxiety about the Alpha lessen.
Maybe one day he would be like Falk—an Alpha Ren felt comfortable around.
“Where are we going today?” Ren asked to change the topic.
“I have patrol duty,” Falk said.
Because Falk no longer had his every day job of guarding Ren in the prison, he was back to the never-ending rotation for young Warriors.
Ren had been forced to go with him to his training, hunting, weapons prep, and patrolling every day.
It was exhausting. Ren didn’t have the training the Warriors did.
And even though he was just expected to stand there and watch or walk with Falk, he was always tired as the sun went down.
Patrolling was Ren’s favorite—they got to walk menially or take one of the horses around the perimeter. He was sure it would get boring eventually doing the same thing over and over, but for now, Ren found it entertaining enough.
Today was a day they got a horse.
Ren grinned as Falk brought out the large, black horse who snorted in greeting.
Ren reached up to pet over his neck and then scratch down over his nose, cooing out about how pretty he was.
“What’s this one’s name?” Ren asked. He hadn’t met this horse before; they usually took out a little brown mare named Chestnut.
Ren would ride Chestnut while Falk held the lead.
“Walnut,” Falk said.
Ren raised an eyebrow, “Are all the horses named after nuts?”
“You catch on fast.” Falk laughed, waving a hand and motioning for Ren to get on.
Falk helped Ren get his foot into the stirrup. This horse was far taller and bigger overall than the one they had used previously. Ren gasped as he almost fell, his leg awkward as he swung it over the beast. He wobbled a bit in the saddle, head spinning as he realized how high up he was.
Just as he was settling into a comfortable spot, Falk set his own foot on the horse’s side.
“What are you—?” Ren squeaked a second before Falk hauled himself up into the saddle behind him.
He had thought the seat was quite a bit bigger than the one they put on the mare for him but he figured it was because the horse itself was bigger. Now he realized it was so the two of them could comfortably sit together.
Ren still felt squished as Falk bullied his feet out of the stirrups so he could have them instead. He tried not to squirm when Falk grabbed the reins, arms around Ren, caging him in.
“Good?” Falk asked.
“Yeah,” Ren muttered.
“Comfortable?”
“Sure.”
“Perfect.” Ren could hear the smile in Falk’s voice. “Off we go.”
Ren gasped as Falk kicked the horse forward, quickening into a trot that had Ren grabbing onto the horn of the staddle for dear life. He hadn’t ridden a horse before last week. But now he understood why so many Warriors complained when they had to ride for too long.
“Slow down,” Ren called out after situating himself.
“We’re going further out today,” Falk explained. “We have to go faster.”
Ren didn’t get any other warning before the horse was spurred on from another press of Falk’s heels into a canter.