Chapter 21
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
I don’t go to my room or seek out the band. Not yet. I wasn’t lying when I said I couldn’t breathe. It’s been building since I got on the snowmobile, I think. This volcano of bullshit and baggage, just poised and waiting for a reason to explode over an unsuspecting Michael.
Familiar faces blur around me as I head back outside.
Faces I’ve seen at the pub over the years, or when I was visiting Bex at her complex.
I don’t want to talk to any of them, so I don’t even stop at the desk to find out where the hell Veronica took my jacket…
Or let her know Michael might need help in the kitchen now that I’ve run away from him like a coward.
What was it, twenty minutes? Was that how long it took me to ditch him when we got back to the lodge?
All because he was too perfect for me, and I remembered how many times my mother cried herself to sleep after one of her relationships didn’t work out.
After they left her or cheated on her. After they took our rent money.
Watching her curl up in a ball on the floor, forgetting to make dinner or shower or change her clothes for days? It burned into my fucking soul that no one should ever give anyone else that much power over them. No matter how easy or good it felt in the beginning.
I scoff at the direction my thoughts are heading. I’m in self-comfort mode now. Telling myself I was right about this feeling too easy. That I was flying high on a snowy cloud of sex and sweetness, and there was bound to be a sugar crash.
It just pisses me off that it was that moment. We’ve had harder conversations all weekend and it wasn’t like he blew me away with startling new information I couldn’t have guessed for myself.
I should have comforted him. Given him some sage advice about not choosing our parents but being able to choose what we take from them. What we learn.
How many children have I given that particular speech to over the years?
And what kind of hypocrite does that make me?
Because I’m still using what one woman did to me seventeen years ago as my permanent excuse to stay single.
My tear-soaked security blanket. The hall pass to get me out of even considering being in a relationship.
My students would be disappointed in finding out how not-together I am.
Zero aura points, Mr. Winston.
Michael kept that job and the connection to his father because he had hope for something more.
Something better. And if he gave himself a chance, he’d find it with his brother.
Clinging to my mother’s judgement and her absence is all about fear.
And it makes sure I’ll stay alone by asking one simple question.
What if you tell him how you feel and he leaves anyway?
“Fuck.” I scrub my damp face and lean over the snowmobile that’s still sitting where we left it.
If I knew how to drive it and wasn’t afraid of getting lost in the snow again, I’d be on my way home right now.
Back to my life with no vacations and no risks.
Where I tell children to stand up to bullies while backing down from my own.
Where I stopped singing and performing at Royale’s years ago, even though it made me happy.
Where I try to make sure my friends find people who love them while continuously denying myself. Where I’m safe.
If I hadn’t been physically trapped outside of my comfort zone, would I ever have let my guard down enough to see what could happen with a man like Michael? A Grinchy dragon. An adorable baker. A sexual demon in private and an introvert in a crowd. My favorite Christmas present.
He's not your anything at the moment. Not if you leave things like this.
A familiar truck pulls up, followed by another snowmobile with the lodge logo clearly visible on the hood.
“Winnie?”
Bex hops out of the truck and strides toward me. She’s beaming, the fresh pink scar that runs from her chin down her neck mostly hidden by her turtleneck and scarf.
She wraps me in her arms. “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you where I went. I still can’t, but you’ll find out soon and you’ll love it. You have no idea how relieved I am to see you.”
I force myself to smile. “Same here.”
Val is looming protectively over her shoulder, and Brady Finn—the only other giant I know—comes into view beside him.
“Hey Win,” Brady says with a wink.
Val cups the back of my neck and gives it a squeeze. “Hey, man. Glad you’re okay.”
“You made it back,” says a familiar voice.
I turn my head to find Ken Tanaka stepping up to stand beside me. He’s still got the same long dark braid he had when we met him. Flawless skin. Bright, intelligent eyes. Knowing eyes. Does he already know what a mess I’ve made out of everything?
“What’s wrong?” Bex asks sharply. “And why aren’t you wearing a jacket?”
Brady instantly takes his off and drapes it over my shoulders. Michael would have done that too, if I hadn’t just basically told him to hit the bricks. “Thank you.”
When Ken gives Brady a look, the ginger Marine flushes, his grin a thing of beauty before he nods. “Why don’t we go inside and let Batman and Winnie catch up for a minute?”
“Val can go inside with Brady,” Bex counters, her expression determined as she refuses to let go of me.
When it looks like Brady might argue, Val puts a hand on his shoulder. “You know how protective she is. Win doesn’t mind.”
She slips her hand in mine and I squeeze it gratefully. He’s right. In fact, she might be the only thing holding me together right now.
Ken waits for them to disappear through the door before leaning against Val’s truck.
“You should know Bex and Val have both forgiven me, though I still haven’t forgiven myself for what happened.
I doubt I ever will. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like you to accept my apology for putting your family in danger, Winston.
I’m not asking for it now, but I’d like you to think about it. ”
I look at the man I’ve trusted with my best friend for my entire adult life.
He’s human, even though we occasionally forget that.
He hacked his way into financial security and his happily ever after.
He’s a legend. And when he wasn’t paying attention, a few people who were scared of what that legend could do decided to send a message he wasn’t expecting.
“I always wanted to be a part of one of your schemes, did Bex ever tell you that? Not the dangerous bits, the ones she seems to be obsessed with. But the way you get people together and make problems disappear? I wanted in on that action.” Before he can offer, I hold up my hand. “Don’t worry. I’m over it now.”
His laugh is wry and a little sad. “I think I am too. For the most part anyway. The people I love are too important.”
He’s looking at me like I’m one of those people and my silent “Ha!” must show on my face, because his expression turns pained. “I care a great deal about all four of you, Win. I’ve always admired the way you stuck together and pulled each other up. I hope you know that.”
Bex’s hand tightens on mine. “You told me you were going to answer any question he had about Michael Demir, but you didn’t tell me why.
Is there something wrong with him? Is he a criminal?
A serial killer or a federal agent? You said he’s your friend, which means any and all of those options are possible. ”
I almost laugh, because wasn’t I worried about the same thing the first time I saw him? And the second time? “Tanaka doesn’t need to tell me anything.”
“I think you’re wrong about that, Win. And Michael Demir is exactly what he appears to be, Bex.
A good man who came to town to get to know his brother and found something he wasn’t expecting.
A man currently at a crossroads in his life, yes, but not the kind that should raise any red flags.
Someone who is just slightly out of step, and could use a hand with finding his rhythm again. ”
“What does that mean?” Bex says in what I imagine is my old cynical voice.
“I know what it means,” I say softly.
Michael is amazing and smart and sexy…and isolated and uncomfortable unless he’s alone with you or the little dogs that need him.
He doesn’t know that tea means gossip, or what he’s going to do now that he’s stopped doing what everyone expected him to.
He’s good to his mother, he can chop wood and cook like a top chef, but he’s awkward with strangers.
He’s never been awkward with me.
I know all these things about my mystery man after only one weekend together.
And I’m positive he knows even more about me, because he pays attention to everything I say and a few things I don’t.
He listens. He cares about me. I actually believe that.
How much more of a red flag does someone like me need?
You really are a mess, Winnie.
“He talked to me about you a few weeks ago,” Ken admits into the silence.
“I didn’t know it was you in particular, because I had a lot on my mind at the time and I wasn’t paying that much attention.
But I do remember what he said. ‘I think I’ve fallen for a man who sings like a siren and looks like an angel, and I’m not sure what to do about it. ’”
Fallen? Before the cabin? Before this weekend? I don’t believe that…do I?
“Win told me about him too,” Bex blurts. “While he was taking care of me. He called him a dragon. His pub beast. He couldn’t stop thinking about him either.”
When I give her a wide-eyed look, she rolls hers in response. “What? You couldn’t. It’s a special day. I’m not lying for you today.”
Why is it a special day? Other than the fact that it’s the Finns’ anniversary that I’m being paid to sing for.
“Let’s not get distracted,” Ken says with an amused grin. “Michael also called me the other night to make sure I hadn’t stuck my nose into his business.”
“He mentioned that.”
“Interesting.” His smile softens. “Realizing that he’d found you, or more accurately, that you’d found him, was enough to renew my faith in fate, Winston.
No one planned for that to happen. It’s important to me that you know that.
No chess pieces were placed, no palms greased.
And while it wasn’t impossible that you would meet him again—you know some of the same people—it was supremely unlikely.
And so the universe, seeing two people separately pining for each other, decided to give you both a little nudge. ”
We were both suspicious of the coincidence, weren’t we? How odd it was. How unlikely. If Bex hadn’t gotten a wild hair and asked me to come, or if Seamus hadn’t asked Michael to give this family thing one more chance before he left…
“What if he leaves?”
I don’t know I’ve actually whispered the fear out loud until Bex leans her head on my shoulder and repeats her words from the other day.
“We are not our parents, Win. We’re not doomed to revisit their mistakes, and we shouldn’t have to pay for them either.
If he leaves, you’ll hurt, but you’ll be fine. And you’ll never be alone.”
She nudges me gently. “You remember that Erin Hanson quote you put on my fridge when I was feeling down a few years ago? The one that inspired me to take risks, even if it was scary?”
Swallowing hard, I nod. Of course, I remember it. I’d printed another copy of it for my classroom cork board because it had inspired me.
There is freedom waiting for you, on the breezes of the sky.
And you ask, “What if I fall?” Oh, but my darling, “What if you fly?”
I must look like I’m going to cry again, because Ken straightens and takes a worried step toward me. “If you’re not interested in him, if I’m reading the situation incorrectly, we’ll just forget this conversation ever happened and I’ll make it all go away.”
My laugh is a little watery. “You’ll make it go away?
It’s your fault Bex talks that way, isn’t it?
You can’t just say things like that, Tanaka.
And you don’t need to worry about my happiness.
” I’m blinking furiously because the chill is making my eyes water.
“I’m not a Finn for fuck’s sake. What you should do is take your own advice for a change.
We say that all the time, don’t we, Bex? ”
“I never say that.”
I narrow my eyes at her. Why is she lying so hard?
“You’re not a Finn, no,” Tanaka agrees easily. “You’re a Winston. One of a kind. And I did.”
“You did what? Wait. You did?”
Ken winks at me and puts a hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. “We all deserve to be happy, Win. Our problem—yours and mine—is getting out of our own way so it can happen.”
Then he turns and walks toward the lodge, throwing over his shoulder, “Bex, you can show him, and only him, until it’s time.”
I spin around to face her, his mysterious words momentarily jolting me out of my pity party. “Show me what?”
She gives me a mischievous smile before following behind Tanaka toward the lodge. “I’ll show you as soon as we get you changed, and maybe put on some concealer before your performance. You’re covered in beard burn and Angelina Jolie would envy your lips right now.”
I chase after her. “Stop complimenting me and show me the thing. I need the distraction.”
“Are you going to stop fighting fate and make babies for Uncle Connor?”
“Rebecca, I swear to God.”
She stops and turns to me, suddenly serious. “You love him, don’t you?”
I don’t pretend she isn’t talking about Michael. “Is it that obvious?”
“Only because it looks like you tried to ruin it. Did you ruin it, Winnie?”
I sigh, thinking about his expression when I ran out of the kitchen like my ass was on fire. “I tried. I guess I’ll have to find out if I succeed or not tonight.”