39. Jonah
39
JONAH
Three Months Later
My knee bounces up and down as I sit in the lobby.
I stare at the Welcome to Tranquil Waters sign on the reception desk while I wait. The first time I stayed here, I laughed at that sign. White lotuses floating on a clear blue stream under a red and purple sunrise, the slogan from struggle to strength, your rebirth awaits written in flowing script underneath. I thought it was cliché and tacky. I thought it was too much symbolism. I thought it was trying too hard.
Now I might get part of it tattooed on my neck.
I check my watch again, then I check the clock on the wall.
This fucker is late.
I wait ten more minutes, then pull my phone out of my pocket and call him. It starts to ring just as Torren walks through the door. He hits me with a grin.
“Impatient?”
“You’re forty-five minutes late.” I stand, shove my phone back into my pocket, and haul my duffle bag over my shoulder. “I think that warrants a phone call.”
“Sorry. Traffic.”
I shake my head, but I don’t bother fighting the slight upturn of my lips as he pulls me in for a hug, patting my back the way a big brother would .
“Good to see you.” He releases me and looks me over. “You look about a hundred times better than you did last time I picked you up from this place.”
“I’d hope so. I was high when you picked me up last time.”
Torren’s eyes widen. “You dickhead. You were lying to all of us.”
I shrug. “If it’s any consolation, I’m not high now . It’s going to stick this time.”
“Thank God.” Torren smirks and turns toward the door. “This place is the most expensive treatment center on the West Coast. Wouldn’t want you to have to go through it a third time.”
“Right,” I deadpan. “Thank God.”
“Still surly, huh? Sobriety hasn’t perked you up any?”
Torren climbs into the driver’s seat of my sports car as I slide into the passenger seat. He starts the engine, then waits until I’ve done my seat belt to put the car in drive. I’m glad he’s driving. My head is spinning too much to focus on the road, and since Callie’s accident, he prefers to be behind the wheel whenever possible.
“Sorry.” I release a slow exhale. “I’m nervous.”
Torren hums, and I glance at his profile. I’m grateful he’s not making a bigger deal of this, and he’s not treating me with kid gloves, either. I don’t know which would bother me more.
I just want to feel normal again, but I don’t know what that means anymore. I have to discover it as I go, and that task feels daunting.
I flex my fingers into my thigh.
From struggle to strength . One day at a time.
“I wanted to talk to you about something.”
Torren pulls me from my thoughts, and I glance at him.
“Is it something I want to hear?”
He smirks. “I’m going to say it regardless.”
I wave my hand in the air. “Carry on.”
He swallows and purses his lips, pausing for a moment as if collecting his thoughts. He never takes his eyes off the road or his hands off the wheel while speaking, but I feel every word as sincerely as if he were making eye contact.
“I’m sorry. I should have recognized that you were struggling. I should have seen it when I picked you up the first time, and I sure as fuck should have seen it since then. I let myself be na?ve and saw only what I wanted to see, especially after Callie came along. I dropped you, and even though I could tell it bothered you, I ignored it. I’m sorry. It was fucked up, and you deserved a better friend. I won’t let it happen again.”
I exhale slowly, my forehead creasing as his message sinks in. Then I huff a small laugh.
“You didn’t see what you wanted to see, Tor. You saw what I wanted you to see. I’ve spent my entire life observing and analyzing people, then over a decade perfecting how to use what I learn to my advantage. I didn’t want your help. I didn’t want anyone’s help, and that’s on me, not you.”
Torren shakes his head. “No, Jo. You’re my best friend. You’re my brother. I should have been paying better attention.”
“You can’t put that on yourself, Torren. You all tried your best. But until I wanted it, it wouldn’t have mattered.”
Briefly, he flicks his eyes to me. “But you want it now?”
“More than fucking anything.”
He smiles. “Good. I’m really glad. We want it for you, too.”
I nod, then turn my attention back out the window and sit with that truth. I do want it more than anything. I want it for me. For Claire. For our baby. I want sobriety for us , and I want it so badly that I’m terrified I’m going to lose it.
What if she’s changed her mind?
I thought about it a lot in rehab. If Claire changed her mind, if she doesn’t want to do this with me, it will absolutely crush me. I’ll have to go through every raw emotion without a chemical crutch because I refuse to backslide again. I meant what I said to Torren. It’s going to stick this time. I’m staying clean, and so I’m preparing myself for the worst. It will be a heartbreak like I’ve never known. Worse than Theo. Worse than learning that my existence was solely for the purpose of keeping him alive. Worse than failing.
Worse than anything.
I flex my fingers into my thigh again. I focus on my breathing. On my heart rate. For the first time in a long time, my experience of the world is untainted. That fills me with just as much fear as it does pride.
I just have to take it one day at a fucking time.
I break the silence with a question. “She here? ”
“Been here, actually.”
“What do you mean?”
“She’s been staying at Mabel’s place since her lease ended.”
I turn and face him. “One of Mabel’s places on the East Coast?”
“Nope. Mabel’s place down the street from Sav’s right here in LA.”
Excitement stirs in my stomach. I didn’t think she’d leave New York. Not without me having to beg, which I was fully prepared to do. This is a good sign, but I try not to get too hopeful.
“Did she take the job offer from Sav?”
“She did. She’s already drawn up marketing plans for Rock Loveless and Caveat. She’s really fucking smart.”
I smile at that. “She is.”
She’s working for Sav now, so the move could have been work-related. But she’s here. She’s here in LA, and that’s one obstacle I no longer have to clear.
“And what about the other thing? Does she know?”
“It’s done, and as far as I know, she has no idea. The girls can keep secrets when they want to.”
I drum my fingers on my leg. “Okay.” I nod. “Okay. Good.”
“I know this isn’t going to help anything, but you don’t have to be nervous. She’s excited to see you. Everything is going to be fine.”
I don’t respond. Instead, I mentally run through every scenario.
I haven’t spoken to her in ninety days. I have no idea where her head is. I don’t even know if she still feels the way she did when I left her in New York. I begged her to give me another chance, and then I left her for three months.
A lot can change in three months.
I know because I’ve changed a lot in three months.
I told her she wouldn’t have to go through any of this alone, and then I left. I’ve missed so much already.
I’m sure I made the right choice for myself in going back to Tranquil Waters. I’m anxious and afraid, but I’m not running. I’m feeling, and that’s huge. If I didn’t fix me , I could never deserve her . I would never be worthy of us .
It was the right choice. I know it. I just hope Claire believes it, too. Ninety days ago, she said she loved me. I just keep replaying those words over and over in my head .
I love you, too.
Let’s earn it together.
She loves me. Ninety days wouldn’t undo that.
I glance at the GPS on the dash and my shoulders drop when I see a red line indicating stopped traffic on the freeway.
“Told you. I left at 8 a.m.”
Torren points to the ETA on the screen. Four hours. I groan and fix my eyes out the window. I don’t even have a book to read.
“Want me to tell you about it?”
“No,” I answer immediately. “I trust the girls.”
I see him glance at me from my periphery.
“You want to talk at all?”
I think it over. Would I have wanted to talk three months ago? A year ago? Should I want to talk now? Do I?
My lips curve into a small smile when I realize that I do.
“How’d the tour go?”
Torren returns my smile. “It went good. No issues. People were upset you weren’t there, but everyone for the most part understood. Ham’s been a puppet master with the media, thanks in large part to the groundwork Claire laid out. And it doesn’t hurt that Rock’s gotten himself a bit of a fan following. It’s that glittery pink Fender, I swear. People are obsessed with it.”
I arch a brow. “Is this where you tell me that you’re replacing me with Rocky Halstrom?”
He barks out a laugh. “Want me to tell you all the times he fucked up to make you feel better?”
“Hell yeah, I do,” I say on a laugh, and then I grin. A real, full-faced smile, and I feel lighter. I feel hopeful.
This. Speaking with Torren freely without having to worry about hiding my addiction. Laughing with him. Joking. This will be part of my new normal. I’ll create it myself. I’ll collect moments, piece them together, and rebuild my life from the ground up.
From the ground up, one day at a time, and with Claire front and center.
We pull up to Sav’s just before 5 p.m .
When Torren turns off the car, we climb out, but I don’t move toward the house.
“Are you going to come in?”
I shake my head. “No. Not yet.”
“I’ll send her out, then.” He holds the keys out for me, jangling them a few times before dropping them into my palm with a smirk. “It’s the new one.”
“No shit.”
Just before Torren reaches the door, he turns back around.
“Hey, at the risk of sounding like a complete asshole and making you extremely uncomfortable again...”
“Don’t do it,” I warn, but he doesn’t listen.
“I’m really fucking proud of you, Jo. I’m proud, and I believe you. I know it’s going to stick this time. You deserve happiness.”
I pause. I needed to hear that, and surprisingly, I believe them.
“Thanks, Tor.”
He nods once, then turns and disappears into Sav’s house. When the door closes, I stare at it and start to count. At eighty-five, the door opens, and I hold my breath as she steps out onto the stoop.
She’s beautiful, and I lose my breath. Her curly brown hair is down, falling just past her collarbone. She’s in a plain black T-shirt and leggings, and when my eyes fall on her stomach, I start to cry.
Tears fall silently as she closes the distance between us. I dreamt of that beautiful smile every night since I left her in New York, but nothing compares to seeing it in person.
I expect her to stop when she reaches me, but she doesn’t. Thank God, she doesn’t. Instead, Claire wraps her arms around my waist and hugs me tightly. I pull her against my body and bury my face in her hair. I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with her. Lavender and sugar. It calms me immediately. She lifts on her tiptoes and lays her head on my shoulder.
“I missed you.” Her lips tickle my neck as she speaks, and my shirt dampens with her tears. “I missed you so much.”
The relief those words give me is unmatched. I’ve never felt relief like this. She’s not angry. She doesn’t hate me. I force a swallow and pull her closer.
“Do you still love me, Trouble? ”
“Yes. Do you still love me?”
“Endlessly.” I pull back and kiss her lips, tasting her tears as they mix with mine. “I love you endlessly.”
She laughs lightly and kisses me again. She missed me. She loves me. She’s still mine.
I cup her face in my hands, deepening our kiss. I don’t want to let her go. I want to stand in this driveway forever with her in my arms.
“You’re still mine.”
She nods, then wraps her hands around my wrists and guides them down her body.
“ We’re still yours. Both of us.”
The moment my hands are on her rounded stomach, my tears come faster. I press my forehead to hers, kiss her once more, then lean back and look. Her small hands top my larger ones as she gently presses my palms into her skin, and I’m in awe. It’s not a very large bump; my splayed hands cover it almost entirely, but it’s noticeable. It’s beautiful.
Then her breath hitches, and her eyes connect with mine.
“Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”
She smiles and shakes her head. “No...it’s...”
Her eyes flutter shut for a moment, and then her breath hitches again. Her shimmering gaze locks with mine once more, and she smiles brightly.
“It says hello, Daddy.”
“Did you feel it move?” I swallow back a sob and blink away more tears when she nods. “What’s it feel like?”
“Like a little flutter. Like a stomach flip.” She kisses me again. “Say something. Talk to it.”
I step back then kneel in front of her, putting my face level with her stomach. I don’t take my hands off her, though. I just lean in close and say the first thing that comes to mind.
“Hey there, baby Trouble.”
Claire laughs. “It likes you. It’s flipping around like a little fish.”
“Yeah?” I rest my forehead on her stomach. “I like you too.”
Claire takes one hand off mine and threads it into my hair. I tilt into her touch, then kiss her little bump.
“I love you, baby Trouble,” I whisper. “You and your mommy. I love you. ”
This feeling. This absolute, unconditional feeling of love. Me and Claire and this baby. This will be part of my new normal. This will be my every day from now on.
“I won’t miss anything else,” I say against her. “Never again. I promise.”
“I know. I believe you.”
She takes a step back and then gives my hand a soft tug. I stand up as she reaches into her pocket and pulls out her phone.
“Actually, I have something for you.” Claire glances down at the screen and scrolls before handing the phone to me. “It’s a little album. Some videos and pictures. Mabel flew home every other week between shows, so she was able to film the appointments. It was her idea, and I know it’s not the same, but I wanted you to have something.”
I hold my breath as I flip through the album, blinking rapidly to clear my vision so I can see through the tears.
There’s a short video of her first ultrasound. I saw the ultrasound images, but this video is a different experience. Then there’s a video of Claire and Mabel in a doctor’s office hearing the heartbeat. I play that video three times, closing my eyes so I can hear it better. So I can commit it to memory. There are pictures of Claire from the side with a progressively growing belly, each one labeled by the week of pregnancy, but it stops at twenty-one.
“Where’s twenty-two?”
She shrugs. “I wanted to take it with you.”
I hiccup on another sob and pull her back into my arms. “Thank you. Thank you so much.” I hold her until I catch my breath, then I step back and smile down at her. “I have something for you, too. Want to come with me to my place?”
She smirks and arches a brow. “Are you going to take your dick out?”
“Only if you want me to, but no, this isn’t code for let’s go have sex.”
“Okay,” she says with a playful smile. “I suppose I can go with you.”