46. Cassie
CASSIE
The sun is setting on the horizon, but the water is calm underneath my board.
My arm dangles in the water, the ocean running through my pruning fingers.
The waves have stilled enough that there will barely be enough to get me back to shore without effort, so I hover here, just out of sight of the shoreline.
It’s peaceful, with the waves lapping gently underneath my board and the occasional bird high in the sky. Out here, all alone, there’s nothing to distract my mind from wandering back to the way Robbie looked at me in his hospital room. Or rather, how he didn’t look at me.
I know I fucked up, I know I pushed him too hard, but there was a tiny part of me that forgot all of that.
Instead, I was distracted by all the blood and his loopy smile as he held my hand all the way out of the ambulance, awkwardly stumbling out after him as I kept up the pace with his gurney.
I didn’t even get a chance to apologize.
I didn’t even get a chance to say any of the speech I’d been rehearsing over and over again.
He didn’t want to hear it. I’ve already broken what we had and there’s no one out here to see the tears gather in my eyes or the ugly grimace that pulls at my face as I finally let a jagged sob escape.
I squeeze my eyes closed as I tilt my board and slide into the water, immediately enveloped in pressure and silence. My tears can stay up there on the surface, down here I can just exist. I stay under for a few seconds, just to see how long I can hold my breath.
Everything is quiet, the sun from the surface barely illuminating my way.
My board is still attached to my ankle so instead of surfacing I swim towards the shore, my board pulling along behind me.
I swim until my chest burns, and I breach the surface with a loud gasp, finally filling my lungs with fresh air.
I wipe my hair away from my face and just about hear the sound of my name being called.
“Cassie!”
I glance towards the shore, blinking through the fading light as I see the figure close to the shoreline. Fully dressed and up to his knees in water, Robbie appears like a mirage on the horizon. Maybe I deprived myself of oxygen for a bit too long.
“Cassie?” he calls again, his voice unmistakably hoarse. I blink the water from my eyes and swim until I’m close enough to put my feet on the sand.
“Robbie?” My steps are uneven and battered by waves as I stumble towards him.
“What the hell are you doing?” he bites out furiously.
I blink. “Surfing?”
“You fell off your board and were underwater for ten minutes,” he snaps. I’m close enough now to see the red flush against his cheeks and the bruising on his temple. I want to brush my fingers against it but keep my hands in the water.
“It wasn’t ten minutes.” I unhook my board and tug it upright as I get closer to him.
His jeans are soaked now, the water lapping almost to waist height.
His white shirt hasn’t escaped the shore’s torment, and it clings to his damp skin.
“You would have had enough time to take your clothes off if it was ten minutes.”
“Can you just—” He runs his hands through his hair before he cuts himself off with an incredulous laugh.
“What are you doing here?” I ask him softly. We’re both still submerged in the sea, the sun finally starting to dip behind the horizon.
He levels me with a serious look. “I shouldn’t have asked you to leave the hospital.”
I keep my eyes lowered as I helplessly shrug a shoulder. I know he had every right to ask me to leave, I know I dumped him, but the moment still stings like a fresh bruise.
I lick my lips, tasting salt. “Are you okay?”
“I’m good,” he says softly. “The concussion knocked my brain about a little, but it’s the humiliation that kicked my ass.”
“I’m sure no one noticed you go down,” I attempt to jest, even as my heart squeezes at the memory of how still his legs looked, even from the stands. “Yesterday’s news already, I bet.”
“Why were you there?”
My mouth dries and I can’t do anything other than shrug.
“You weren’t in the box.”
“No, I bought a real ticket and everything.”
He tilts his head. “Why?”
I adjust my board as a wave tries to pull it back with the tide. I guess that apology is about to come out now.
“I spoke to my Dad.” I keep my eyes locked on the cliff that leads to my house. The white glass mansion that I was so happy to buy as my first taste of true independence. “Turns out we were part of the plan.” I scoff dryly.
“The plan?” His eyebrows crease, and I have to take another breath to get through the next part.
“The parties, the ‘star power’. He wanted this to happen.” I gesture helplessly between us.
“Not so forbidden after all.” I can’t look at him as he rests his hands on his hips.
“So I left you for no reason.” I choke out the final words, more goddamn tears springing to my eyes, and I squeeze them shut so I don’t have to look at him.
His anger, his disgust at me for being so stupid.
I can hear water swish but keep my eyes closed tight.
“Cassie,” he says softly. “Can you look at me?”
I take a deep breath and lift my head. He’s so close now I can see the dark circles under his eye and the red bruising on his temple. Without thinking, I lift my hand and gently trace the mark. His eyes flutter closed, and he leans further into my touch until I’m cupping his jaw.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I wish I could take it back.”
His hand comes up to circle my wrist, and he presses a gentle kiss to the palm of my hand.
“Cassie, I love you.”
My heart leaps. “You do?”
He nods, his head still in my hand. “I didn’t fall in love with you because your dad made me. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you and you served me champagne in a rocks glass. I fell in love with you the second you dragged me out of my car and forced me to surf.”
“I didn’t drag—”
He laughs. “You did and I loved it. I love that you push me, I love that you want more for me than I want for myself. I love that you trusted me to take you somewhere where you could take a break and switch off. I want to be that place for you. I want to stand beside you when it gets hard and escape with you when we need to. I just want you.”
His breath is ragged as he finishes, cheeks flushed and eyes shining as a wave washes against us, as if the ocean itself is urging us closer.
“I love you too,” I tell him, my voice shaking. “I love you so much.” He steps forward until my body is firmly pressed against his. “You’ll get all wet,” I protest weakly.
“Trouble, I’m still wearing my trainers. I think that ship has sailed.”
I laugh as I wrap my arms around him, soaking in his warmth.
“Can you forgive me?” I gently brush my nose against his.
“There’s nothing to forgive.” He gently tugs my chin with his hand.
“I might push you away again.”
“I won’t move.” He tugs my wet hair into his fist. “I’ll be right here.” He finally claims my mouth with his. I wrap my arms tightly around his neck, tugging him closer until we’re so tightly pressed together I know I’lll never let him go again.