Chapter 25
Elle
The next week sucked. There was no other way to say it except that.
I was back to asking friends to stay with them; I went home whenever I could and slept on the train or even in the library if I had to.
Luckily, there were only a few more weeks left in the semester.
When it was done, I could go back to my parents’ house and stay with them for the summer.
The plan was to get a job, work as much as I could, and hopefully be able to get a place in the city when the next school year started.
I avoided Sarah; it was easy to do, as she avoided me.
She sat as far away from me in class and wouldn’t even look at me.
Whenever I answered a question or made a comment in class, she would sigh loudly or roll her eyes.
I had told Gabe she would never forgive us, but I didn’t want to believe that.
I thought I could give her time to forgive me but I wondered if it was ever going to happen.
Concentrating on Sarah and getting her friendship back was easier to deal with than thinking about Gabe. I missed him like I was missing a limb. I woke up reaching for him. I dreamed about him every night. I thought about him all the time. I wanted to call him, see him, hold him, but I couldn’t.
I hoped Sarah would take the summer to forgive me and then hopefully when the school year started, we could rekindle our friendship.
We had known each other for too long; we had seen each other through too much to let a man come between us.
Granted, he was her father and the man that I loved, but even that wasn’t worth losing our friendship.
If she could forgive me and her father, then with time, she could see how great we were together.
She would see how much I missed Gabe and hopefully be okay with us dating.
Gabe and I would have to take it slow. We couldn’t jump into the all-consuming relationship we had before.
I respected Sarah too much to do that to her, but I wanted to be with Gabe.
Time and distance were not going to change that.
I was holding out hope that eventually, Sarah would be okay with it.
It was a plan that kept me going. The thought of never being with Gabe was too horrible to comprehend.
I wanted to believe that Gabe felt the same way.
He hadn’t wanted me to leave. He had wanted to fight for what we had, even if it meant hurting Sarah.
I knew he was just speaking out of worry and desperation.
It meant the world that he cared enough about me to even say it, but I knew he didn’t really mean it.
He cared about Sarah as much as I did and would never want to hurt her.
It didn’t make my living arrangements easy or my life for that matter. But I was the one who had caused the problems. If I was a little sleep deprived or uncomfortable, then so be it.
I had a few hours between lectures and decided to head to the library to study and maybe take a nap. I had found a quiet spot, one of my favorites, and had just closed my eyes when I heard Sarah say, “Are you done martyring yourself?”
My eyes shot open and I sat up. “Martyr?” I asked.
“Yes. This whole pathetic act you’re putting on making everyone believe you have nowhere to stay. We both know you’re still with my father,” Sarah said.
I said and looked at her. “No, I’m not. I left the night you found us. I haven’t seen or talked to him since.”
“Yeah, right,” Sarah said and looked away from me.
“Sarah. I love you. You’re my best friend. I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted you to find out about me and your father that way. You said you didn’t want us together and I respected your wishes.”
“You might have moved out but I’m sure you’re seeing Dad secretly.” She turned back to look at me.
“I’m not. I have never lied to you, and I’m not now.”
“You lied to me about being with my father,” Sarah accused.
“No. I didn’t tell you. When you asked me about the text message I got from a guy, it was your father.
I told you I was seeing someone but I didn’t want to tell you about them yet.
I didn’t know what we were going to be. I didn’t know if it was going to last. I didn’t want to hurt or worry about something if you didn’t need to. ”
“Somehow, I’m have difficulty believing that you thought about me at all when you got together with my father. My father,” Sarah emphasized.
I looked around the library and was glad to see no one was around us.
“Yes, and no. I didn’t mean to be attracted to your father.
Sleeping with him just happened. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.
We get each other. And it isn’t just the sex but how we are with each other.
I have never felt so connected, so in tune with a man the way I was your father.
“But even as I was falling for him. I was worried about you, about what you would say, about how you would feel. We agreed at first it was best to keep you in the dark. I could see how you would think that was us lying to you, but it wasn’t how we thought it. We thought you were protecting you.
“It was only when it got serious, when I imagined and wanted a future with your father, and he did too, that we decided to tell you. And we were going to tell you. It was why he had asked you to dinner. We didn’t want to keep it from you.
We never wanted you to find out the way you did.
We never meant to hurt you or make you think you didn’t matter.
As soon as you left, I told your father I couldn’t be with him at the expense of our friendship.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that to you. I moved out and haven’t talked to him since. ”
Sarah looked at me as if she wasn’t really seeing me. I could see she was trying to comprehend everything that I told her. I didn’t say anything and let her process it. It was a lot to take in.
“You really haven’t seen or talked to my father since that night?” Sarah asked.
“No. And I won’t until you’re okay with me doing it.”
“And what if I’m never okay with you talking to him, much less being with him?”
“Then I’ll have to live with that. I meant it when I said you and your friendship mean more to me than any man.”
“You really cared about him, my father,” Sarah stammered.
“Yes,” I said and looked away from her.
“How much?” Sarah asked.
“What do you mean?” I looked back at her.
“How much do you care about my father?”
Sarah held my gaze. I opened my mouth and then closed it. I didn’t want to lie to her but I didn’t think she wanted to hear the truth either.
“Do you really want to know?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“I love him,” I stated.
It felt both good and wrong to say it. Not only because I was saying it to Sarah but I was admitting it. I hadn’t even done that to myself. I wasn’t sure how Sarah was going to take the revelation.
“Do you know how he feels about you?” Sarah asked.
“He never told me specifically,” I said.
“But you think he loves you, too?”
I thought back to how much he wanted me to stay with him. How he wanted to fight for me, for us, even if it was against his own daughter. I wasn’t going to tell Sarah that, but instead just nodded.
“Fuck,” Sarah said and turned away from me.
I stood up. “I’m sorry. I thought you would want to know. It doesn’t matter. I will get over him. Eventually,” I muttered the last word.
“Eventually? You don’t get over anything. It’s one of the things that I admire about you, as I’m the same way,” Sarah said as she turned to look at me.
“I don’t have a choice. It wasn’t like we were together for that long,” I said.
“But when you were, it was intense. I could see that. I saw how you two looked at each other. It was something special, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah,” I intoned.
“And you were willing to let him go. This man that you say you love, for me?”
“Well, yeah,” I said.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard you be serious, much less say you were in love with anyone,” Sarah said.
“It’s never happened before,” I admitted.
“I can see that,” Sarah said and then scrunched up her face before saying, “Shit.”
“What?” I asked.
“I didn’t realize how deep this had gotten. How much you two cared about each other. I was too hurt and angry to listen to you when I found out.”
“And you had every right to be. I’m sorry you found out that way. Truly.”
“I can see that now. And it isn’t fair for me to tell you who you can or cannot love or who you can or cannot be with.”
“He’s your father,” I stated.
“Yes, he is. But he’s an adult, and so are you. I might not like it, but it isn’t right for me to tell you how to live your life. Any more than my father has the right to tell me.”
“Are you saying you would be okay with me being with your father?” I held my breath as I waited for her to answer.
“Not exactly. I’m not saying that you have my blessing but it isn’t my place to separate you either. I might come to be okay with it, eventually, but you’re going to need to give me some time,” Sarah said.
“Oh course, whatever you need, I just want us to be okay,” I said.
“And to be with my father,” Sarah added.
“I would love that,” I said and smiled at her.
“Why don’t you come to my apartment and we can talk about it? Would you want to do that?” Sarah asked.
“Very much,” I said.